Step Children Returned
Hi All,
My hisband and I have been together for 13yrs and married 7, for 11 years of our relationship the children now aged 27 and 25 wanted nothing to do with their father or me. There was 3 3rd Child or so we thought but I'll get to that. I was the first person he was with after his marriage break up and the mother blamed me for him not wanting to give there marriage a go even though they had been seperated for over 12 months. The children sided with her and this lead to them cutting my husband out of their lives.
We ended up moving 500km away to start a new life and rebuild ours.
He always paid his child support for them regardless, my husband had questioned the DNA of the 3rd child due to receiving medical information, the mother moved house and wouldn't say where she had gone so we had to seek a location order for her where abouts and then seek a DNA tast through the courts, turns out child isn'y his and the court ordered her to repay supporrt paid for this child.
When the 2 eldest realised the mother had cheated within the marriage, fell pregnant and then lied about their father they decided they wanted to try and have a relationship with him which they have been doing for the past 18 months, then out of the blue with no warning he daughter and her partner moved to our small home town, this has caused Kaos in our lives as she has brought all the family drama with her, we have put up boundries to pit an end to hearing about the faily drama and ten she dropped that Mother and daughter would be coming to visit, I flipped out so did Hubby and she put a stop to it (only because she didn't want them staying as long as they wanted). This woman has wished us dead for many years and stated it again just months ago, the daughter is having a security guard at her wedding so her mother doesn't do us harm if she gets drunk! The mother is the worst human being to breath air and many have said regarding the way the kids were raised she should be in jail, everytime child services came she just moved or didn't respond to the letters or door.
Life is now a ticking timebomb, our amazing blissful and peaceful lives have been reduced to stress, anxiety and ill feelings, from a daughter I loved I now cant stand to be around them, the air is tense and even when I rasied with them what its done to our lives they said its our life too and we wanted a sea change and new start, (they never knew of this place outside of my Husband and myself, approx 15 nights spent here in 18 months) from there its been smug remarks about how great it is to be so close to you (they are a 2 minute walk away in the next street) so glad to be here as a family. It pisses me off and makes me sick because I now see just how like her mother she is, her wedding is in March (which we have paid $14K for her to have becase her mother wouldn't pay anything) and then I'm done. I want them gone and our life back Hubby is supportive and says he did without them for nearly a decade and can again but i feel for him being torn in the middle.
I wish that day she called I nevered encouraged him to allow her to visit, the situation with his X was quite bad for many years to the point it nearly drove him to end his life and he is on medication and seeing someone, we had this peaceful life we worked so hard to build and now she is the thing that is about to implode it all, I don't want to move this is my home town and we own property and investments here. I just don't know what to do but its eating us up and I know my feelings toward her aren't going to change as long as they stay here
Any advice would help greatly! Thanks for listening its trying to cram 13yrs of crap into a few paragraphs so thank you.
First, I'm so sorry you all
First, I'm so sorry you all are going through this. The first part of your story sounds so familiar. Although my DH had been divorced for 5 years, I was insanely blamed for "breaking up the family" (the ex had played a role in destroying his previous two relationships before me), and one skid was alienated from us for years while the others remained very distant. Lucky for us, though, the relationships were never fully rekindled, even after the skids learned that the narrative of their father "abandoning" them wasn't true; their mother had cheated.
THIS. You know the answer. March is just a couple months away. A couple weeks after the wedding, can you two sit down with her and explain that you are done--that she has brought too much toxic drama into your peaceful lives. THEN set the clear boundaries/rules and/or that you want her out of your lives (I've found that once you state what the boundaries are, the toxics run the other way). I'm predicting she will want to move away. Is that realistic? I'm so glad your DH is onboard with you about getting this mess out of your lives again.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words, I wish I'd never let her back in, I know I have to wait until March but then I will be letting her know whilst she lives her no I want nothing to do with them and will completely disengage which I'm pretty much doing until then, it would be realistic for them to move away if they weren't entitled narcissists as after spending approx 15 nights in 18months compared to our 10,000 + and a place they only knew about because we lived here they feel they are more entitled to a life here than the one we've built.
Ive never had such strong feeling of dislike boarding on hate for someone and the damage their doing to my life all because I was stupid enough to give a second chance to someone I'd never met for the sake of my husband, I don't like the person they are making me feel like and the way my heart feels. Thank you again it's just nice to know I'm not alone x
You're not alone - we are all
You're not alone - we are all looking forward to the day they are out of your house. Never again. I had that happen 2x with adult steps and they are never grateful to you, invade your peace and treat you poorly. There's no room for that and it is unfair to you.
Welcome to STalk.
There is a lot in your first post, and a lot to unpack. Fundamentally I'd say the best advice I can give you is this: disengage. Physically, emotionally and intellectually.
I'm confused by some of your background. If I read this correctly, you have been with your DH for 13 years, and you have not seen the skids for 11 of those years. Quite honestly, I am confused that you say you "love" SD like a daughter since you were only in her life for a couple of brief years, but haven't seen her since in 11 years.
At some point (how many years ago?) you and DH moved back to your hometown area. The adult skids just reconnected with their dad a year and a half ago, and like the area you live in. Adult SD and partner decided to move there. I'm not clear if SD/partner live with you or not.
The reason this is important is because if SD has her own house, then she has the right to have her mother and half-sister visit her in her own home. As much as you don't like the idea of their drama invaiding your peaceful life, there really isn't anything you can do about it. Consider this: Most families/steps do live in the same town and have to deal with each other all the time.
I'm not sure what your current relationship is with SD. It seems like you were somewhat close, but now that SD has moved to your town you say she is like her BM. Yet you (and/or DH) are paying a large amount of money towards her wedding. Including paying for a security guard to make sure BM behaves.
Back to disengagement. Bottom line is that SD is an adult, has her own home, and it is not unreasonable to expect that her mother will visit her there. Expect this to increase if/when grandchildren arrive. If this is something that YOU cannot deal with then you have to disengage and let your DH have his own relationship with his daughter, with limits that are reasonable. Like not having BM come around your home if she is in town.
Can you guys move again? Or
Can you guys move again? Or is your DH just thrilled with the situation?
No moving is not an option I
No moving is not an option I have 30yrs of roots here, this is my home always has been, DH is not thrilled as he never expected her to be here especially after she found about the truth of BM and all she has done
disengagement is your friend
Disengage completely. Dont get sucked into the toxic drama. If DH wishes to speak of them, ask him to take it up with his therapist. He visits them when he wishes, but not in your home. No more money spent either.
Spend time with your friends and family.
Welcome to steptalk! Vent as you need.
Thank you I really appreciate
Thank you I really appreciate your words I've gone from an amazing life to treading water this forum was great to find I don't feel alone and if we hadn't already paid for the wedding I wouldn't be now DH is questioning whether they reached out just to get us to pay for the wedding he feels like we've been played and so do I
Your husband got suckered
Your husband got suckered into paying for a wedding of his child who had nothing to do with him for how many years?? On top of all that, the blushing bride is having a security guard present just in case MOM gets drunk?
Sorry you are going thru all of this. Good Luck
Tell us again why your husband is participating in any of this ???
I'll let RAGS take over on this one.....Rags?
Oh don't worry we are on that
Oh don't worry we are on that suckered train and also the fact coming here is pay back to him, he is not on board at all and has ceased to bare communication with her which she is trying drama filled messages from everything to missing pets to flat tyres that are no longer flat when he doesn't respond and let's not missing but under the lounge she didn't see, thanks for taking the time to reply and let me know I'm not alone
At some point DH needs to
At some point DH needs to start holding his adult failed family spawn accountable for their adult crap. While their BM is shit, they are now adults and they need to be kept in touch with clarity that they will not be allowed to propegate anything remotely resembling BM behaviors. It is truly exceptional that DH let HIS kids know that their mother is a lying adulterous whore. That SKidult SD is clear that she needs to keep her own mother under the hairy eyeball of hired security at her wedding, indicates at least a sliver of possibility that she may be salvageable.
Now, daddy needs to bring that same level of accountability to bear on HIS kids. It is sad that the young/cheat baby knows she is not her half sibs' full sib. DH did the right thing in defending himself against BM's adulterous attempt to extort money out of him to support her whoring.
For sure, you and DH need to keep shredding the adulterous whore of an XW.... Never stop. Let the SKidults know the unfolding truth about their shit mother. Sadly with these types, there is always more.
You and DH keep defending your happy life. Even with SD as a neighbor, she needs to know and respect the boundaries that you and DH set.
Rags you are a god send!
Rags you are a god send! Thank you! It's nice to see my feelings are normal I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe with this family as XW. Is always forgiven and everyone else is shit the groom is not speaking to his mother because he didn't like the things she spoke up about but XW that needs a security guard to check her behaviour is ok and constantly gets a free pass bevause that's just the way she is! And they have brought that shit to our home seriously how did SD expect me to respond