Should I give our daughters clothes/toys etc to step granddaughter?
Just wanted your opinion on this..... DH and I have 2 kids, one boy who is 6 and one daughter who just turned 1. SD19 (only step kid) has a daughter 3 months old... He thinks or naturally assumes all our daughters belongings that she ourgrows should be passed on to his grand daughter..... I feel I don't wan to give to her for variety of reasons. No 1 reason SD has decided she wants nothing to do with her half siblings or me and cut us out of her life (leaving half brother hurt and confused over her behaviour) and she has never been very nice to me,,, she has met her half sister once. Our kids are her only siblings. Our daughters items feel precious to me and some of them I want to keep for HER kids to have/use. To be honest.... I would rather give to charity to help kids in need too!! What is your view/experience with /on this??
This is a tough one; if you
This is a tough one; if you say no, you're selfish, the money used to buy your DD's stuff was also DH's and so on and so on.
I would do as Sally says; sounds like the best thing to do. Good luck!
Keep it, donate it, give it
Keep it, donate it, give it to SD for her Spawn to use .. makes no difference. Do what you want with it.
We used to get calls from my Skid's Sperm Grandhag asking for things that she bought for him back. Sometimes many years after she bought the stuff. Never did we send it back. It would have cost more to ship it to her than it would cost her to replace it even if we had kept any of that crap. After SS was done with it we always donated his stuff to charity for the tax write off and to help someone who it would benefit. At least once a year we do a purge and donate the stuff we no longer use to charity.
When the Hag asked we always told her we had already donated it to charity.
End of discussion.
and hrnyc can you not
and hrnyc can you not understand a sm not wanting to reward sd rude treatment of her and her kids. If a stranger treated you like crap would you want to give them gifts?
Yes. I understand clearly. I
Yes. I understand clearly. I reference the only similar situation I have dealt with. My wife has on a few occasions wanted to give her sibs and parents some of our stuff. Nice stuff. I tell her sure, get a quote on shipping. }:)
End of that thought. It costs almost as much to ship furniture, kitchen equipment, etc.. as they cost new. Even when in a help her idiot family mood my wife will not waste money to help.
IMHO what happens to personal property owned by a couple is a joint decision and both have veto rights. If one does not want stuff to go to family then it does not go to family. In those situations it is kept, thrown away, sold, or donated to charity but it does not go to family.
Hubby and I have shared
Hubby and I have shared finances completely though..... So who gets to decide? I do choose all the stuff for DD..... Most of which has "sentimental" value to it. How about clothes and gifts from my parents?!!?
Not sure I'd like to
Not sure I'd like to encourage someone who has been mooching of others her whole life.....decides to have a baby while still having nothing of her own , I,e, living of her parents...... Sure I have given lots, incl crib, baby bath, clothes, not even one thank you.... Some of the stuff she even sold... After all this she cut me and siblings out of her life.... When should she learn , who will teach her not to live on "hand me dows" for rest of her life?!?
It sounds more like your hurt
It sounds more like your hurt feelings are surfacing. I'll bet you have lovely photos and video of your DD wearing and using it all. Save a very few items such as Christening gown, first birthday outfit, etc.
The rest is just stuff. Emotionally charged, perhaps, but it's still just stuff. (Watch some of those hoarder's shows or Dr Phil style shows and it's a wake-up call for those of us who load possessions with emotions! Laughing at myself.)
Clean it, bless it, box it up and send it out into the Universe.
Let DH decide if he'd like to share it with his daughter and granddaughter. She probably will not want the stuff, but you never know, it may be a good bonding moment for DH and his DD/GD.
And I agree with HRNYC, you're in a marriage not an OCD roommate situation. Compromise.
I'm not saying that OP cannot
I'm not saying that OP cannot or should not sell or give-away her DD's items if she wishes. We all know how if a friend is pregnant, we rustle through our stuff to offer things to help.
In this case, DH ASKED for a few things to give to his other DD.
^ Yep, this SD needs to learn
^ Yep, this SD needs to learn to be grateful and not take things for granted!
You are so very right
You are so very right LadyFace. Hit the nail right smack on the head.
Keep the few items that are
Keep the few items that are sentimental and split the rest between charity and SD.
She may never learn to not live on hand me downs, no matter what you give or don't give her, not your problem.
As far as her selling things you've given her, that would bother me, too, but my husband says what someone does with something after you give it to them is their business. Don't worry about it. I would not give her expensive items anymore, though. Clothes and toys I don't see as a big deal.
My SD23 made it quite clear when I got new furniture that she wants it when I replace it (yeah, it was brand new and she was already trying to claim it). Ha! Not happening. Her kids can have all of my nieces toys from my house that she's outgrown, but SD is not getting my furniture.
When trying to help SD get on her feet and get a job, I was met with resistance and my DH told me, "I don't think she wants your help, she has some anger towards you." Oh, but she'll gladly take my furniture!
Anyway, try not to get caught up in the small stuff; outgrown baby clothes are just not worth it.
Passing on used baby clothes
Passing on used baby clothes is not "gift-giving" to me. It's getting old crap that you're not going to use out of your house. Whether it goes to SD or to charity is completely irrelevant to you, but it will make your DH happy. So. Which is more important to you? Making your DH happy, or not making SD happy? Which one of those two people is your priority? Focus on one, forget the other.
I would give the stuff you
I would give the stuff you don't care about it. Most of it is that way. Keep the good stuff in a bag. I have a bag of my favorites in the attic for BS when he has his own kid. Nothing wrong with giving her the stuff, odds are good she won't want anything from you. But, make the gesture for peace with your husband, just don't give away the stuff you like. But, there is now way you like it all.
Just tell him your DD threw
Just tell him your DD threw up all over everything and are not fit for giving.
I'm not understanding where
I'm not understanding where the idea comes from that used baby clothing is crap/not worth giving/etc. I understand stains and such, but where I live if you have unstained baby clothes there are facebook groups for selling them, consignment sales and stores...you can make money off them pretty easy. Basically you sell them and use the money for clothes that fit, often at the same consignment sale. My kids have grown up off consignment sale items and Goodwill finds. As a matter of fact, when we sold their ill fitting clothes last spring, we made enough to purchase a used trampoline.
Anyway, you have already given her enough. If she needs something, she can ask. Do what you want with the stuff and say whatever will appease your dh because he clearly isn't taking the initiative to get anything to his daughter. That he expects you to take care of it is laughable after the way she has treated you.
I agree with AllySkoo. Save
I agree with AllySkoo.
Save what you really want, and if you were going to donate or throw out the rest anyway, just give it to DH to give to SD. You look like a hero to DH. There will be bigger battles down the line, but this one seems small to me. And who knows, maybe SD will come around someday?
If you need to sell stuff for the money, then tell DH as much and do what you need to do.
OP - That is tough. I would
OP - That is tough. I would pass on the items that need repair, stained, etc. and keep the good stuff that you want. Make a big deal of it in front of your hubby so he knows you are passing the clothes down. Should she complain, tell her, in front of DH that they are hand-me-downs not new.
It is one thing if she is nice to you and they are participants in your extended family. But if she is being nasty, then the heck with her.
I wouldn't give her a thing!
I wouldn't give her a thing! She has nothing to do with her siblings or you, she doesn't get anything from you. I think your DH has nerve to expect you to!
I wouldn't give her a thing!
I wouldn't give her a thing! She has nothing to do with her siblings or you, she doesn't get anything from you. I think your DH has nerve to expect you to!