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SD engaged -- Let the games begin!

2Tired4Drama's picture

Boy oh boy, fun times ahead!

SD26 met a guy on-line in March, he was living with her within three weeks, she then went out and bought a huge house (for them) in a family-type subdivision a month later, and now we just got word of engagement! No date set yet for wedding but I wouldn't be surprised if it will happen in the next few months. Also wouldn't be surprised if a baby would be in short order, too.

My SO's only met the fiance a few times for a total of about six hours. I've met him twice. He is a cordial enough guy. But we've learned enough bits and pieces about his family's history for red flags to be flapping in the wind. His family issues are: both parents have criminal histories, domestic violence, significant substance abuse, assault, civil lawsuits, liens, insurance fraud, etc.

I think some old adages apply here, from two perspectives: While you can't judge a book by it's cover, you also can't ignore that the nut doesn't fall far from the tree. As far as we know, the fiance does not have any criminal history himself outside of one DUI.

The fiance does work but the job is not one with a future nor does it pay enough for him to be self-supporting. He lived with a relative in a spare room before meeting SD.

Fiance also has a taste for expensive "toys" of which he's purchased a few since meeting SD, so imagine that's where most of his income goes. (SD has complained that he has not been paying anything towards the household.)

The one thing that raised a red flag for me personally is that during the SD & BF visit once, my SO and I briefly mentioned a piece of property. The fiance's eyes really lit up and he interrupted us to ask, "You mean you guys own a such-and-such!?" It raised the hair on the back of my neck, to be honest, and I thought he was showing a bit too much interest in property that was very casually mentioned.

It also bears mentioning that SD is a trust-fund baby and has a high-paying professional career. What she sees in this guy is her business, and she will have to live with any choices she makes. No one has a crystal ball about how a relationship will or won't work, and they may be a perfect match and live happily ever after. But this can also turn into a huge financial train wreck for the SD, with this guy possibly taking her for quite a financial ride. Her choice though, and her consequences.

As an adult, this is entirely her decision and my SO really can't say much except "congratulations." He is quite unhappy about her choice and due to his Divorced Disney Dad syndrome, he probably won't be articulating his concerns to SD. I did suggest to him that there is a way to have a conversation with SD carefully and lovingly, and let her know what some of his concerns are about her choice for a life partner ...yet still let her know he will ultimately respect her decision. But I doubt he will.

IMO, the SD is behaving exactly the way BM taught her: love can be bought, and once you do, you get to call the shots with the guy. BM has had quite a string of live-in men she's footed the bill for, all of them much younger and in day-labor type jobs with extremely limited ability to support themselves. BM seems to relish the power of being a sugar mama.

SD's situation is not entirely the same, since this guy is a different breed - he's savvy enough to know what legal rights he has once he gets married. Therein lies the danger, IMO.

This situation is yet another reason I am glad I am not married to my SO. Many people on these boards talk about how they can't wait till skids are 18 and gone. Not so fast!

Even when skids appear to be successfully launched, there is ALWAYS the chance that a bad life choice can send them right back to their parents for help in getting bailed out - no matter how old they are. It's somewhat understandable that many parents will choose to help their adult kids, but in my case I'm glad that my financial security won't be impacted by it.

I know that if SD ever wound up destitute and broke, my SO would absolutely do everything within his power and budget to help her.

Lesson learned: Thank God I never got married to someone with kids. And never will.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Nope, you're smart and practical! And being a true PARTNER in a relationship is what it's all about.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I already told SO he should at least talk to her about a pre-nup, but the gift of it with a bow would be a nice touch! }:)

And I do agree with you ... I think parenting "adults" is telling it like it is, providing your opinion and guidance - and then let them make their choices with the understanding that if they decide to go forward and screw up, it's on them. That's how it worked in my family, anyway.

I will indeed be disappointed IN HIM if he doesn't at least talk to her about his concerns. It's amazing how a guy can be so good in business and a shrewd negotiator, but becomes absolutely weak-willed when it comes to (necessary) confrontation with his own kids. Classic Disney Dad syndrome.

2Tired4Drama's picture

That's so funny you mentioned the ring! Because I am quite certain she is going to buy it herself, if she hasn't already - because she will want significant "bling" and he's a cubic zirconia kind of guy!

catsmom01's picture

Ugh.

catsmom01's picture

Oh my. I agree with everyone else...PRE-NUP!!!! I'm guessing the house is in both their names...I'm wondering who contributed to the downpayment the most (if not totally). Ugh. What a mess...both names on the house? Ugh...

2Tired4Drama's picture

As far as we know, it' s only in her name. For now, anyway. I'm sure if they marry he will push to get put on it.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Operative words here, "truly in love" ... anybody can act that way as long as it suits their purposes.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I believe you are right on about those red flags on his side of the family. Remember that old adge....apples don't fall far from the tree. If that is the kind of environment he grew up in that that is what he knows to be normal.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Well, that's my gut instinct too, CM. But I don't think he is willing to do anything that might appear contrary to what SD wants. He's now already demonstrating that he is on board with whatever she has decided and is "going along to get along."

I think that's a shame because sometimes, adult kids may actually want the truth from their parents even if it is unvarnished. I think he has a responsibility and owes her that much, as a father.

SD is an intelligent girl. I cannot think for a minute that she doesn't have some doubts about this guy - although it may still buried in her subconscious right now.

Oh well. I am now in my keep my mouth shut mode and will disengage as best I can from all the ensuing engagement/wedding antics.

Sit back and enjoy the show, is my motto. But will continue to share it with my fellow Steptalkers! Lol

2Tired4Drama's picture

Oh and as for the BM, you were right on target with that one! Although after the last one I got a look at, it's getting a bit ridiculous. He was more than 25 years younger than her, about six inches shorter and about 75 pounds lighter! I don't even think the guy needed to shave every day yet.

So much for a "bad boy" - if she has to buy the merchandise, at least she should have tried to grab someone with a bit more ... uh, testosterone, shall we say! }:)

notsobad's picture

I wonder what BM thinks of this guy? Would she warn SD off marriage? Or maybe he'd see BM as a bigger sugar moma and better catch (for his purposes)? }:)

Acratopotes's picture

I will make sure SD gets a pre nub..... believe me and it will state that Mr Big Spender will get nothing of hers before marriage date....

That should cover her trust fund and house.....

This is about the only thing SO can do for her.....and maybe post pone trust fund payout date, she can get monthly income but not the full amount

Rags's picture

Daddy needs to have the Pre-Nup lecture session with his daughter. This guy screams WATCH OUT!!!!!!

If she chooses not to listen and to go forward unprotected.... then she will have to learn for herself.