SD 36 acts like brooding teenager, affecting my marriage
I'm having real issues with my SD who is 36. She is making life so difficult for my husband and I that my husband is tired of being put in the middle and ready to leave me. DH knows daughter has issues with me but doesn't seem to know how to stop the problem.
Background, I have two grown kids, each married with two children and skid has a live in boyfriend and a kid. I include her in all family functions, but recently an outing I'd planned didn't coincide with her daughter' swim lessons, so I told my husband I couldn't rearrange schedule bcc grandson's nap time conflicted. Next day she get snarkynon Facebook. It is ignored. A few days later I send out a text to all trying to set up a family trip to amusement park, she doesn't respond. The next week my granddaughter graduates from Pre k and DH doesn't seem interested, no problem, I go myself. The next week skid's daughter graduates from kindergarten, I don't really feel like going because of behavior, but I would've gone, until a work meeting saves me. Over the course of the day DH tells skid I'm not going because of meeting and all hell breaks loose. I wouldn't miss my own grandkids, I treat she and daughter like 2nd class family, etc. she doesn't speak to DH at the graduation , because he called her on her bad behavior. A couple of days pass and then I send a text explaining, my reasoning for not changing times on earlier family outing, and that I really didn't feel the need to talk to boss about skipping meeting because, I had not received an invitation to the graduation, And snarky comments had left me wondering if I was even welcome. I told her I made no apologies, only to her dad who had to take the brunt of her anger. Her response was to tell me the first thing step granddaughter said on graduation day was she was looking forward to seeing me, and then asked why I hated her so much. I told her I didn't hate anybody, that she should have let me know how step granddaughter was looking forward to seeing me and I would've talked to my boss. And that she needed to turn that hate mirror inward. And that I can't read minds. Her response was "leave me alone, I'm no playing your games, you win, you can have my dad and your perfect grandkids. She proceeded to restrict me from Facebook, but husband keeps bringing up things she posts. I told himfor about the 4th time, I don't see her posts, she has restricted me, and he get mad. I'm so frustrated. She is punishing her dad and he doesn't see that, and I just want her to go away. She ran into my son and family at fireworks and posted the photos to dil's facebook page, with a comment "always good to run into our people". Who is playing games here?
She said "you can have my dad
She said "you can have my dad and your perfect grandkids". Did you ask her why you needed her permission to have her dad? And that is the crux of the problem , and you will see this if you stick around long enough. In her mind, her dad is her possession. She lost control over that possession. Now her dad is spending time with someone else's grandchildren, not just his own. And it's all YOUR FAULT. Otherwise she would have daddeeeee all to herself.
But why is your DH ready to leave YOU over this? Tell your DH you support his relationship with his daughter, but you want to bow out for awhile to let things cool off. Tell him you want them to have the opportunity to repair their relationship. What will happen is she will likely turn on him and punish him for being remarried. And you stay quiet; do not discuss her at all.
Many of us have SDs this age, even older, who act like petulant children because daddeee brought another woman into the Original Family.
Get the book StepMonster and read it. Then give it to DH. And like it or not, DH IS in the middle. SD's can be very competitive with their SM's (and vice versa ). DH has the relationship with his daughter but also his wife, two people who otherwise would have likely never met. He facilitated you being in each other's life. But he wants to have his cake and eat it too and not get his feathers ruffled, like so many DHs we have seen here.
SS tried to tell DH I drag
SS tried to tell DH I drag him around by the ba$$s once. My response was I prefer to play with those not drag him around by them. }:)
So disrespectful. I can't
So disrespectful. I can't even imagine saying something like this to my father about his private parts or chosen partner.
Yeah, she nailed it.
Yeah, she nailed it. Possession.
The beautiful grandchildren
The beautiful grandchildren as weapons ploys. My SD tries that occasionally. Talk to your DH and let him know from now on you will let him coordinate and talk with his daughter that way there is no misunderstandings or hard feelings. When he mentions stuff she post on Facebook say "oh that's nice" and promptly change the subject. Don't remind him what a brat she is because then he can turn that anger on you. Don't be an easy target or give him a reason to deflect that anger towards you instead of where it belongs.
It happens to a lot of
It happens to a lot of us...we start off thinking we can be one big beautiful family and then after even a few years, the light switch is suddenly turned off... And, we finally see a bright light (in the darkness), illuminating our reality, our real life, oddly... yes, I took a serious beating for a long time until I saw the light.
If your husband is like most of ours, one who has zero backbone and enables adult kids to be nasty (all their lives and with all parties), it will not change...because HE is not likely to change. I cannot blame them for what HE allowed, but I can stay away from the exclusionary family party and set my own rules for my life. It is not easy and has never been perfect, but it gets easier with each passing year: it is the best thing for ME...for a change. I control what happens to me now.
Once things went downhill, they stayed that way; I believe it is now hopeless. There is no way I can control or fix any of this: it was never about ME anyway... But, I am hopeful because I have connected with women like myself who have guided me and strengthened me with sound advise on ST. Until I found ST, I questioned myself and my feelings; I no longer doubt my actions, I know I am the right path to maximize my own happiness now. If I have a question I ask it....i
My views, emotions and reactions have improved, given the experienced advise of posters here on ST. While there is always room for improvement, I could have never come this far without this site. Only people in the same situation can fully understand.... Here you find others..who it seems also married your husband...LOL
I am certain ST will be equally as valuable of a tool --to you too!
Thanks everyone. We have
Thanks everyone. We have been married going on 18 years, but split up for about 18 months after my mom died and an old flame turned up. Anyway, she decided to move to our location when she was 19, I even had a job waiting for her, site unseen in the same office. That lasted about 2 years, but she was so "perfect" in her own mind I had transferred to another office. Shortly after she left our town and went with the then boyfriend to live with his parents and go back to school. I think there was too much partying and the parents kicked them out. The boyfriend ended up leaving her And relocating 1000 miles away. Guess what, she came back to us. I have always tried to be as supportive of her as I can, but over the last couple of years her "poor me" and pouting have really turned me off. I think DH is frustrated, same as me. He knows his daughter is being unreasonable and I seem to remind him off that. I think the advise about just backing away is a good one. I'll start reading the book stepmonster as soon as I can. My daughter calls her ridiculous, and wonders why someone so smart could have such a low emotional IQ. You guys know what it like. It's funny because my DH had been divorced five years before we met, and how he described his ex, is exactly how I see his daughter.
IGNORE THE WHORE! SM motto.
IGNORE THE WHORE! SM motto.
Your SD is not a person who deserves to be in your life. So KEEP HER AWAY AND IGNORE HER. Do not badmouth her to your DH. Do not restrict his access to her. Just keep her out of YOUR life.
This is not anyone related to you.
This is no one that wants anything good for you.
This is no one that you need in your life EVER.
She is your husband's adult child. period. dot. No more. No less. This is not your child. You owe her nothing. She is not your family. She is not even your friend unless you choose to pick her to be.
Simply disengage from her,
Simply disengage from her, block her from ever contacting you again, and live your life with your husband.
If he talks about her pretend to listen and change the subject after 3 minutes.... keep in mind SD is not your family neither is her daughter..... so you owe them nothing.
just as DH owes your kids and their children nothing.
I thought I had everything
I thought I had everything covered before I agreed to even date my widowed husband with adult children. Now, 6 years later, I was asked for a divorce because his oldest and youngest daughter decided that for him. When they get together all hell breaks loose on someone. The oldest is so manipulative (hubby's) words. All I wanted was to live happily and die with a peaceful mind and heart. I tried and tried every way I could. But I stood dumbfounded while they abusively screamed at him a week ago about how much they hate me. He actually apologized to them. I had to be told by other family members that they had been getting worse toward me over the last few years. I am far from stupid, but I never noticed. My hubby has never stood by my side when they are around and will cover for them with made up lies of his own. He says he wants them in his life when he dies. I couldn't even cry for my marriage ending. All I feel is relief! Since the youngest is going back home from vacation in a few days he actually tried to be nice today. The whole family says he will change his mind about the divorce when she leaves. I got news for all of them. I AM NOT CHANGING MY MIND. They have never been there for him over the last six years and he just turned 63. He can live in the hell he created all alone! All I see when I look at him is a coward! I'm leaving without shedding one tear. That's how much I have put up with!
Agreed, why would you want to
Agreed, why would you want to be with a man who is such a coward his kids decide for him that he is getting divorced? He apologized to THEM because THEY hate YOU? Good riddance. Your life will be so much better without this!
Valerie, In another year you
Valerie, In another year you will be thanking your lucky stars you got out of 'Stephell'. And yes, he WILL be alone - and lonely. When you were in the picture the skids had an incentive to fight for ownership of DH. Now the thrill is gone. It's like trying to play monopoly by yourself. When he comes back begging, tell him no pity for self-inflicted wounds. You have many more years to make the most of your life. Don't waste one second of your time even thinking of this man - except to to use him as a standard for what you DON'T want in your life. DH did you a great favor. (((HUGS)))
You guys are cracking me up.
You guys are cracking me up. Approaching things with a sense of humor is always best. I think DH said what he said out of frustration. We both agreed we are frustrated. And it seemed to make sense to him when I said I couldn't reason with the unreasonable. I do think he feels somewhat guilty that the marriage ended badly, what divorced parent doesn't feel that. I think he was brought up in a home where unpleasant things weren't talked about, you just swept them under the rug and hoped they go away. I will mention counseling. DH knows this is not my fault, yet a daddy's love is unconditional, just as my love is for my kids. This skid is a narcissistic, she has all the classic signs. There is always drama whenever she is around because someone has slighted her. Last year at Eastershe pouted like a 3 year old when her Dad kept getting in the way of the photographs she was taken. Both enjoy the camera. This year when the kids were being gathered for photos she said "dad will have to take them, I didn't bring my camera". I replied, that might be a good thing since it frustrates her. Her reply was " no one wants my pictures anyway." This took my daughter in law by surprise, she was tongue tied. Her dad talks to her and she acts like she already knows everything. It is really disgusting to watch her. Father's Day happened after this last big blow up and she didn't contact him until we were having a nice brunch. Her text said "I have acted for you, I can meet you somewhere at 2pm." His response was that he wished she had contacted him earlier, and we were heading out on a day trip. We weren't, he was just put out she would wait until the last minute. Her response was "Fine, I'll put it in the mail." No card ever arrived. I think DH just wants a good relationship, and for his daughter tio be a bit kinder. All this seems to have come to a head because I wouldn't change time on an outing to accommodate her daughter's swim lesson schedule, and I didn't show up for step gd's kindergarten graduation. It just doesn't make sense.
We will survive. All your comments have helped so much. Thank you!