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Ostrization

Missingme's picture

Anyone else's skids dedicated to ostrisizing their father into compliance/so much misery that he dumps his beloved wife/SM? I've wondered of late how much longer my husband will last. He's never been one to not cowtail to their everything...until me. Watching and feeling his misery is causing me to seriously consider giving in for him and leaving myself. Thoughts?

(If you're a skid and reading this with glee that another SM may be biting the dust, try to consider how selfish you have been/you are that you would cause your dad to once again miss out on true love.)  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Its a shitty way to live wondering waiting to see if the skids "win".

Hun unless your DH is totally behind you he is not worth it.

Imagine walking away and the "winner" is you!  Disclaimer only saying the walking away part if your DH is not good to you as a husband should be. Making you and your life a priority and tossing away the people who actively ruin your marriage.

Tried out's picture

he's good to her when he's taking his pain from the estrangement out on her. 

Tried out's picture

He's in his own world with little/different communication with me except for some snide, hurtful digs at me.

I'd call this taking his hurt out on you which doesn't seem like someone who is good to you.

Winterglow's picture

Why is he allowing them to treat him like this? Has he no self respect? What have you done to deserve his appalling treatment of you. His kids are adults. It's time he got a grip and told them to stop interfering in his life. His marriage is none of their business and they need to get a life. Sheesh, how sad their pathetic little lives must be if they have nothing better to do with their time. 

They're just a bunch of sad losers who want everyone else to be sad losers too - it makes them feel not so bad, no doubt. 

Missingme's picture

The only way they're interfering is by mentally punishing their dad by being out of his life, sometimes months at a time. When they do grace with their presence it's the most amazing show of happy family (fake). Then months go by again without explanation or communication. It's an insidious thing they do to their dad. His not knowing if the holidays bring them around ruins every one of them--the brooding and moping before and after. He's in his own world with little/different communication with me except for some snide, hurtful digs at me. He knows that his world would return to business as usual if I was gone (They and their loser mom are jealous of me and we have nothing in common.), but he also loves me. 

Merry's picture

The way his kids treat him and you is absolutely not your fault. So why is he punishing you? His anger at you is totally misdirected. Have you asked him that?

My DH occasionally gets mopey--sometimes over his kids, sometimes over other things. I just go on about my business and leave him to his mood. There has been only one time that his kids actively ignored him for an extended period (2-3 weeks) because they were punishing him for not doing what they wanted him to do. That did affect me but we were able to discuss it calmly as loving partners should be able to do.

If your DH is doing nothing to address his adult kids' behavior or his own mental health so he CAN deal with them, then nothing will ever change.

Missingme's picture

I've recommended counseling to help him deal with it, but he won't. I'm going to renew my efforts. Thanks for the suggestion. 

Winterglow's picture

Then the next time he does his moping, hand-wringing, and snide comments number tell him to snap the EFF out of it! It's counselling or forever hold his ever-loving peace, dammit! Have you ever told him how totally unattractive he is when he behaves like that? Good grief, his kids could live on another continent, would he still put on such a performance when they don't show up?

Gimlet's picture

Are his kids making you out to be the villian in the story, or is he displacing his frustration on you? 

Cookieboom's picture

SS has told BF that he will never see him again unless he dumps that skank (me)...This has been going on for about a year, and BF has not seen SS in that time (I beleive it was BM's doing)....BF has never ever ever blamed me, and I thought about leaving him so he could see SS, but he disagreed as well as some posters.  I would not stick around if he blamed me or directed his anger upon me.  Good luck...

still learning's picture

Are his kids telling him to leave you if he wants to be a part of their lives?  I'll never understand why adult children think they can rule their parent's lives and be in charge of their happiness. I couldn't imagine making these kinds of demands with my own parents.  In my case I have a mid 30's SS who is very contentious towards me. I choose not to be in his presence whenever possible, but would never tell DH he isn't allowed to see his son.  Is it an option for DH to see his kids alone?  

SacrificialLamb's picture

I have two middle-aged adult SDs who have different approaches. OSD46 punishes her father on a regular basis by shutting him out of her and her children's lives. DH still goes to visit every few months. She is not overly warm to him but he doesn't care - he is there to see the grandkids and then leaves.

YSD44 knows that OSD46 is punishing daddy, so she is trying to be The Favorite Child, which she definitely was not before. He's the best daddy in the world, he's taught her so much, she loves him so much, blah blah blah. She lays it on thick.   These two girls are always trying to one-up the other, but love to unite forces in their game of Relational Aggression.

They are messed up and he knows it. He also knows he had a hand in raising them to be the drama lovers the way they are, given that his children were college age when their parents divorce.  He stood back and let BM mold them in her distorted, ugly-hearted image.

He has never been grumpy towards me because of how his children treated him, and he knows he would be out the door  if he did.  He's done (or not done) other things that I have not appreciated, but never that. 

OP, your DH needs to get religion that you aren't the one to be punished for how his kids behave.  That's called abuse, and you won't put up with it.

Hesitant to try's picture

that you feel this way? If not, tell him. If he thinks you leaving might be a good idea, you should definitely leave! If he thinks that it's the worst idea (and he'd better) then you two should get some counseling to help him deal with the ongoing manipulation of his children and his declining relationship with them.

It is their choice, they are causing this heartache for him. You should not be blamed. If he lets your marriage go to win favor with his kids, they will just do it to the next woman and the next and the next. His only chance at a forever, healthy marriage is to put up these boundaries and stick to them. I think counseling would help a lot. Good luck!

Missingme's picture

Seriously, should I ask if he'd rather I leave than suffer at his ingrates' hands? We don't really discuss what they're doing anymore. He once told me he knows they'd like to create a wedge between us and that they need to realize we're one. That gave me hope, but he still takes out his grief and anger towards them and me, on me. I think it was Merry above said her husband does the same moping and she just does her own thing ignoring it. Maybe that'll work for me if I can handle the lonely periods of his moping, digs and ugly attitude, or maybe it still won't be enough. The elephants are always in the room and none acknowledges it. 

Hesitant to try's picture

but I'm big on communication. If he's so miserable dealing with the elephant in the room, why is he so resistant to counseling? I don't understand why some people refuse to go. What's it gonna hurt to try?

Merry's picture

Except that he doesn't throw digs and ugliness at me. Mopey, yes. Cruel, no. That's why I can go on about my business  I could not ignore cruel. 

Rags's picture

He has no right to be miserable.   He is your husband and has the absolute duty to be all in on his life with you.  He is actively not all in on his marriage.  That is just wrong.  Regardless of what is taking him from being all in on the marriage he shares with you.

He needs a smack to the back of the head (figuratively) and a strong message to drive clarity.

Unsureofthis's picture

This is all within him and he needs to realise only he can sort this out and help himself. You cannot blame yourself, it is all on him. It is easier for him to blame you hence the snide remarks, but that is horribly unfair of him.

You can only control your own actions, not his and if he wanted to he could leave you. The fact he hasn't means he loves you and the only thing for you to do is focus on your great relationship. Ignore their manipulative ways and ignore his moping.

Missingme's picture

Thanks so much for the comment and encouragement. I agree with everything you've said and need to find ways to ignore the moping. 

shamds's picture

They are all complicit in making daddy drop everything at a moment's notice for them and toss us to the side when we have 2 kids age 4 & 5 now and did this even when my youngest was 1. 

Sd's were and are miniwives trying to be alpha female status and i told my husband nothing attractive about him having his 2 miniwives glued to him at family events or outings or them ranting non stop about bio mum and stepdad

my final straw was our 3rd wedding anniversary which we always do a mini weekend getaway just us and our then 2 toddlers for me time just because hubby is so damn busy with work. Ss was 20.5 and demanded dad take him and his sisters (sd's) for an all expenses paid fancy holiday during our wedding anniversary which fell on a weekend. It was intentional and ss knows our anniversary since he was at the wedding. He expected daddy take them on holiday and his wife stay home with our 2 kids aged 1.5 & 3. I told hubby he could go on that bullshit holiday alone with his kids but he wouldn't come home to a wife and i would be buying airline tickets back to Australia for me and our kids and didn't know when we would come back. Told hubby to enjoy his lonely holiday with his feral kids ranting on non stop about bio mum and stepdad. I told him he had lost if he thought that i would ever want to spend our wedding anniversary with his kids tagging along ignoring me and our little kids, disrespecting me and our kids and ranting on about bio mum and stepdad!!

hubby straight away told his son he wasn't available.

Eldest sd 2 yrs ago had told her  dad with fake tears on phone that he abandoned her for us and had 2 kids with me. The reality?? She cut off contact with dad for over 5 yrs due to bio ho pas and expected daddy be pining and waiting for them to treat him like shit!! 
 

and they wonder why daddy loves me and our 2 kids more? Because our love is genuine and not dependent on favours and daddy's atm!!

Disillusioned's picture

Oh boy have I ever been there, right down to an ultimatum from OSD to DH that it was her or me. 

And when DH refused to be manipulated by her at that point and did not participate in her extortion, we paid the consequences for a while

I was in your shoes and all set to leave as OSD wasn't content just to cut DH out of her life but started doing the same to dear FIL and MIL and it was killing them

She was intent to rip DH's entire family apart, until they got rid of me

DH had a very good point when he told me if I left what happens with the next woman he meets? That OSD would just do the same thing again, if she felt jealous and insecure about her too

DH made it clear to OSD that if she chose to walk out his life it was her choice to make, but remember that she would have to live with that decision

She did, as long as she thought she was destroying everyone's happiness. Especially DH and mine.The harder we tried to get her to come around to acceptance, the more she was determined to not give us what we wanted. When she realized one day we had given her what she wanted instead, and allowed her to make a choice she needed to live with, she started to waver. Especially when she saw that I was no longer shocked, hurt, confused, angry or even resentful but simply had moved on and was happily living my life with DH, then she seemed to reconsider

For a few years, until she went back to hostility

For a few years, then she tried somewhat again

And now, many years later we are back to the bad end of her cycles; because DH once again wouldn't give in to her extortion (if he didn't allow her to constantly lash out at him by targeting me and using her mother his ex as a pawn in this game, then she withheld the grandkids from him)

So we are at a standoff again. Two years of no contact from her. And DH not only not seeing her but his sweet grandchilden as well

DH is determined not to let his OSD run his life any longer. But yes it's tough and there can be harsh consequences. But remember, it is not you or your DH who made that choice. It's your skid and they have that on their conscience. 

Missingme's picture

Ugh, the cycle of ostracization. Quite punishing to all. No doubt to the skids as well Citing off their noses despite their faces. Still, while it's punishing, it's more peaceful without them and the idiot mother being thrown in our faces. You mentioned the grandkids. Can't wait for the breeding to begin so we can be further tortured. 

Other Dad's picture

Main thing is for the couple to be ok. 

everything else should have to fit in with that 

that's the theory anyway. 

I need to follow my own advice more at the moment I feel SD19 is sticking pins in voodoo dolls of me and her mom. 
 

if her mom said we were splitting up SD would just shrug and be happy. SS (Not living with us) would be happier so his heartbroken bio dad might have a chance to get back with his Bio Mom)

meanwhile, my kids like their SMom and would be sad for me if she left  

my partner is very kind to my kids. Her kids don't want any sort of relationship with me.

SKids have poured cold water on the blended family. 

but do the adult skids have to power to bring US to an end? 
and are we strong enough as a couple to withstand the Skids tying influence negatively or conspicuously showing displays of withdrawn support for us as a couple? 
 

time will tell  

 

 

MissTexas's picture

Adult SKs whine, piss and moan when daaadeee doesn't do what THEY want, when THEY want him to, which is rare.

DH is non-confrontational in every regard, so he tries to make everyone happy, (mostly 50 + year old SKs) and it ends up being a cluster f**k on steroids for all of us. 

The reality is: his kids have been spoiled wealthy and entitled brats {enter the next generation:grandbrats} all their lives. They've grown up knowing daaadee will pay for their college, buy them businesses, or whatever they crack the whip on his back for, figuratively speakiing. He is regularly verbally pistol whipped into submission, tarred and feathered, and whipped with the cat of 9 tails by them. But it doesn't stop him from pandering to their every demand.

There were several exes before me, of course I only heard his side of the story. It doesn't matter how thin you make a pancake it always has TWO SIDES. To hear him tell it they were all evil bitches from hell with fire up their asses. I wanted to be a positive force in his life; a soft place to fall and I opened my heart fully to him, and he took horrible advantage of that, solely to please his brats, who only see him as their multi-million dollar inheritance. SD even told me if he didn't have so many assets for them to inherit she would've written him off years ago. As soon as he gave them everything he owned while still living, she quickly exited stage right. 

 Interestingly, ex #2 reached out to me recently and we compared notes. She informed me he wasn't separated from BM when they met, despite telling her he was. Ex #2 found out from her yard/lawn guy (who also did "the other woman's" {who would become ex#3} yard) that he was spending nights at her house also. How humiliating is that? So basically, he was still married, living with #2 and screwing what would become ex#3! What a PRINCE! I blindly walked into this emotional trip wire.

Why am I telling you that? To tell you this: we are all fed up with his BS, Adult SKs included. He has pitted us against one another, told me negative things about them and vice-versa, so YES the silent treatment and withdrawing are very real, for obvious reasons. He has put us all in very stressful situations time and time again. 

My DH also mopes when they refuse to take his calls or come to visit. SKs live in the city and DH hates the city so he won't be inconvenienced by driving there.

What I eventually told him was this; "I don't love your "kids" like you do and your grandkids are NOTHING TO ME, but kids whom I tried desperately to have a relationship with in the beginning until YOU RUINED that for all of us. I have no empathy for you with regard to your kids and grandkids withdrawing from you, as you're the archtect of your own misery." 

My life doesn't include being his personal cheerleader, when he brings all this angst upon himself. I don't listen to it, and if he tries to bring it up, I immediately get up, take a walk, shower, or anythinge else I WANT TO DO. The "old me" would always try to console him and be his rock. NO MORE.

My aunt used to tell me, "Getting to "f" it is a bitch, but once you get there, it's ALL GOOD!" 

Get THERE!