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New step mother..seeking advice

Melly31's picture

:jawdrop: Firstly it's good to know by reading all these blogs that I'm not alone.. But sometimes I am alone in this journey. I'm engaged to be married who has 2 adult daughters. I've been with my man for 8 years.. We had the youngest living with us at the age of 14 at the time, her mother was having major problems with her so we decided to have her living with us.. It started on day one.. Oh my god... Had no idea what I was getting myself into., nor did my partner.. Which had a not so good divorce.. SD lived with us for 2years.. In that time she was totally out of control.. Getting stoned, disrespecting our house, drinking, running away from home for 2weeks at a time, lying, stealing from us, wouldn't go to school, calling me names, writing bad things about me and leaving it around her bedroom so I can read it.. Manipulation between her dad and myself.. It got to the point where her dad and I would argue so much.. He will get defensive when I would mention discipline.. One thing I hated was I was made out to be the bad one in front of my SD and this came from the love of my life saying this I was so hurt why I was getting treated like this all I wanted was to help.. I did everything..that's it no discipline no communication.. Nothing basically my SD did what ever she wanted.. Had no support from my partner use to ignore me when I got frustrated or angry.. Use to come home late from work, not having to deal with it ..He would ignore it and say well as long as she has a home to come to.. But as for me I was worried for her.. I use to sit her down had a one on one talk with her, ask her what's with all this negative behaviour.. She came out with it.. Angry at her dad for moving on and left her behind... So I said so your angry and you are taking this out on your dad.. So I thought it would be good to go into family counselling this is after my SD tried to take her own life by jumping in front of a train.. So we did that for 3 session which thought was good, then my SD didn't want to go anymore.. Thought it was pointless... So she took off again.. I had it.. I packed my bags.. But I didn't want to give up..instead I found myself smoking, drinking, weight gain to deal with all this stress.. Finally I told my partner that this is no good what is happening..she was 16 at the time.. I think she will have to go.. So she ended up living with her uncle in another state.. For a year then started doing the same thing.. So they moved her to another uncle in another state.. Now she's 19.. Just had a call saying my SD has been had up for assault charges against another family member.. Because of her drinking and drug abuse.. So now it looks like she's coming back to live with us again, my partner did not consult with me at all just made up his mind now I'm getting ignored.. Like it's all my fault why I don't want her back here...I totally understand she is his daughter, but I'm really terrified on what's going to happen.. I'm scared that this will end our relationship for good..

Orange County Ca's picture

He is now officially as insane as she is. What a pity another life destroyed by the parents.

She lasted a year with one uncle before going off the track again. Speaking of which its kinda hard to screw up jumping in front of a train. It was just a gesture. Anyway I assume there has been some sort of promise to get straight so I guess you're going to have to wait and see what happens. On the first day home she should be taken to drug rehab and in fact a live in one might be the best idea.

But at the first sign of drug abuse and the second sign of disrespect towards you I'd say its time to set up separate housekeeping. Tell Daddy when he's straightened her out to give you a call and you two can try again. Do not stick around for him to start blaming you again - just don't.

Tell Daddy its either that or she goes into live-in drug rehab. The Salvation Army runs a good one and its free - the "patients" work for their keep. But if Daddy takes her in again then its out the front door for you until he's over it.

stargazer0480's picture

I think you should leave. love of your life or not. he will never give up on her and she will never learn her lessons. tough love works for some and I see you have a done all you can to help her overcome issues. its hard to leave the ones you love, but you have to think about your self, your health and your sanity. and shes not worth you losing either of those things. she doesn't care about you and your feelings. and she will always be mad you replaced her mother.

tell your fiancé your feelings and make it clear that your needs need to me met and she needs help. real help, not just letting her get away with everything. shes a grown woman who is in charge of her own life and actions.

good luck Smile

whatamess's picture

Honey, please read the writing on the wall. Things will NOT get better. If your fiancé is disregarding your feelings now, he will continue to do so. Allowing her to come back to your house without involving you in that decision is huge. Please do not ignore it. All of us here ignored things before we were married and even after we were married and regret not addressing them then. We went along to get along. Please learn from our mistakes.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Something struck me as very strange ~ sending her to the uncles n then the other uncles is just ludicrous. I guess she's coming back cause either you have no more uncles will to put up with unbelievable behavior or it's time dad removes his head from his rectum. Either way ~ pack your stuff n run n run fast. He has no intention on disciplining or helping her ~ he can't parent beyond his guilt. He will start to n then he will lose the energy n the interest to help n she knows the game and what ate can get from all players ( how to manipulate them all)

He isn't gonna ask you if it is ok ~ it's his daughter n he is obligated to help her ~ the real question is ~ what is his plan ?? Having ok plan n flying by the seat of your pants is not a plan. Getting her into a structured NA program n possible support group for his as well. To teach him to STOP enabling her. Tough love ~ as parents we know what is best for kids. I say kids cause they say the for frontal cortext of your brain which mans decision making is not fully developed until 23ish. But she sounds like nothing matters to her ~ so you might be opening up a pandora box.

herewegoagain's picture

wow, no, just no. While parents do have responsibilities for THEIR children, they should NOT expect others to just "put up with it". The fact that he has allowed this to go on for so long says he will continue to do so. While she was a minor he had the right to put her in her place, put her in a home, get her REAL help not BS talking to her…he let that go. He can now live with the consequences but it is YOUR home too and NOBODY has the right to bring someone into YOUR home to cause this much chaos…nobody.

callmedone's picture

I agree with beaccountable. I don't care how much you love this man eventually this situation will literally kill your relationship and any love you have for him. The choices and decisions he is making right NOW gives you a clear picture of any future you might have with him. Cut your losses now and get out before things become even more complicated. Hard suggestion I know, but this man needs to make some major changes in his thinking.. and if, in reality, you don't feel he's capable of making those changes marrying him will only set you up for worse abuse and endless, relentless inconsideration. Don't allow yourself to be discounted. The fact he failed to consult with you regarding taking his adult daughter into the home (fully aware of the burden all of her multiple major problems will place on you and your relationship) tells you exactly where his head is. Believe what you see!

AVR1962's picture

Lady, this is way way too hard to deal with and all your love an strength cannot make it better. You must have hard feelings and are entitled but this girl is suffering from her parent's situation which is none of your fault but it is more than likely not going to get better for a long long time, the girl needs counseling, seriously!

Melly31's picture

Thank you for all your really good advice.. But the situation has changed and SD will be going back to her mother. phew I feel soooo relieved, I feel like shouting from the roof top, I know that's sad.. .. And after talking to my partner properly.. He was stressing real bad. I did ask the question what plans do you have for her, my partner had no idea.. But he knew I wouldn't put up with her shit again..I saw he was stressing out about that more....it would of turned out bad for everybody..I know that for a fact.. And my partner did to.. But the SD had to text her dad a nasty little message after she found that she was goin back to her mother..
I just hope she gets the help that's she needs to get her life back on track..she is a bright kid.. And that is a waste.. As for her parents get your shit together...

muscle mama's picture

Be prepared for the worst. The fact he didn't consult you about her living there again is a Big red flag & lack of respect for you. My partner also told me that "he will never choose me over his DD" (who has been bitchy & disrespectful to me from day 1.) My blood pressure was high, and I also gained weight from binge eating & drinking - It is not worth your health. And yes I am ALWAYS the bad guy - & I doubt that ever changes. Because my SO justifies all her behavior. If she had not moved out, my BF & I would have split, for sure.

K.C.'s picture

Oh THANK GOD she won't be living with you! Been there, done that. SS24 was at the Salvation Army but he only lasted a couple of months and then went AWOL for a very long time and now he is in prison. When SS24's mom was having a hard time with him, the phone calls started with her and my DH and I just "knew" it was coming. Came home from work one day and he had purchased a one way plane ticket for SS24 to come and live with us - he was 17 at the time. My husband's reasoning was that if nobody was around to watch him, he could do serious damage (from his alcohol and drug abuse) and that we could get sued since he was a minor at the time. Well my husband didn't do any "parenting" at all with him. He acted more like his best friend. There was no discipline. I was going crazy. I hated my DH and hated that kid. How sad. But we kicked him out once he turned 18. Moreso, "I" did the kicking out. I know it's my dh's kid but I could not live like that anymore. DH was mad because I was making him choose. Hey, if it were my OWN kid, I'd react the same way. What really bothered me was I was not kept in the loop at all. BM and DH would talk and then w/in a few weeks SS arrived. We went into counseling - didn't help much with DH but he does know how resentful I was for not being included. SS is going to be out of prison soon. I won't do this again. I will leave as I have no energy left to take care of another screwed up adult.