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Need to rant! Need advice!

4_in_total's picture

My now husband and I began dating about 12 years ago. We each have 2 children, mine are 23 (girl) and 21 (boy), his boys are 23 and 20. We blended our families by living together about 2 years into the relationship.

My stepsons have always lived with us fulltime. They have little to no relationship with thier biological mother. My ex-husband and I co-parented, with shared custody of our 2 although my daughter did live primarily with our blended family for about 3 years. Everyone always got along pretty well although adjustments needed to be made. 

Fast forward a few years and my husband began a new job and works nights (which is more like an 'afternoon' shift) 50% of the time. My oldest SS was around 15-16 and I started to have some real issues. He wouldn't communicate, stopped being respectful and was neglectful of the rules. My husband turned a blind eye and would get upset with me when I would bring it up. My younger SS soon started to follow his brother and I began having problems with both of them. This was very upsetting to me and I had zero support from my spouse - it was always my fault for 'not letting things go' or 'overracting'. In addition to this, they were both getting older, louder and messier with no additional responsibilites - if I didn't do everything for them my husband would do it for them. My kids would get mad because I still expected them to function like young adults (change bedding, do your own laundry, make your own lunch) while the other 2 did nothing. Time went on, husband and I fought more and eventually I moved out (my kids were no longer living with us). 

We were broken up for about 4 or 5 months and then reconcilled but I remained living on my for another year before I moved back home. Things were going to change, he understood my point, older SS had moved out and younger SS was going to have some responsibilites and expectations. This went well, we got married last summer. Life was good. Then older SS decided to move home....

The first couple months were ok, then a little worse and now we are right back to square one! They are both finished college, younger SS works part time at a fast food restaurant and older SS (who has a 4 year degree) doesn't work at all. Neither of them do anything other than their own laundry. They are both incosiderate and disrespectful. Husband and I can no longer discuss it without fighting and the boys then see this and feel like they should react the same when I mention anything to them.

And the snowball affect to this is that EVERYONE is miserable all the time!

Am I crazy to think that they could do something around the house? Especially when they are home all day long? Is it wrong for me to think that if they don't like what I make for dinner that they should feed themselves? Because in my house that is not acceptable, I cook 2 meals after 10 hours at the office. Their bathroom (which is actually the houses second bathroom in a main area) is disgusting but nobody will clean it. They can't take a full garbage bag to the can so the can to the road is out of the question. I can't ask one of them to stop for milk if I don't reimburse them the 4 bucks! On and on and on...

I don't feel like I need to treat them the way I did 12  years ago. They are grown now. They live in our house for free.

I don't feel like I should be told that I am bitter and negative because the overflowing garbage bag set me over the top after finding my washer and dryer full of the same laundry that was in it 2 days ago and scrubbing lunch that wasn't mine off of the stove.

Does anyone have any suggestions? How can I make husband see that it is our job as parents to help them grow into functioning, resposible people. And, how can I make them become those things?

Survivingstephell's picture

My DH and I spent 18 months apart. It made such an impression on him he won't chance another separation.   Have you talked about that time in your relationship and does he need to revisit and or make it permanent this time?  Did he learn nothing ?   He has poor Boundaries with his kids and has his priorities messed up.  Your spouse comes first.  Before skids, in-laws and any other non friends of the marriage you two have.   

I don't have any tips, you just need to make it clear that this situation is unacceptable. Period.  He's an adult,  needs to live like one.  Both of them do.   Get your bi$ch boots out and start wearing them.  

CajunMom's picture

you have two "failure to launch" men living in your home with a Disneyland enabling dad. Your issue is NOT with those FTL's but with their father. Unless he does something, your only option is to leave this mess again. Time for a mediator (counselor) if your DH will go. If not, time for an attorney. 

DH and I had some similiar issues. I was clear...I'm not doing it. He knew I'd walk if things didn't change. I say this and I'll say it and good sex do NOT make a good relationship alone. You must have mutual respect of each other and have each other's back. Your DH does NOT have your back. Did he even ask you if it was okay for the older one to move back in?'s ???

Best to you...but it's time to be really clear with your will not tolerate this in your home anymore. "Launch your boys, DH."

Kes's picture

Agree completely with the above.  You should not have to cook separate meals for a 23 and 20 yr old who contribute nothing to the household, not even basic chores.  Time for an ultimatum to your DH, I think.  

Beautiful Bird's picture

I also agree.  Both SS should be expected to pay for and prepare their own meals and clean up after themselves.  I would not do that....  although I have seen my husband pay for my SS meals whenever we have gone out to eat.  It's sooooo enabling!!  

BobbyDazzler's picture

With this 100% Your DH doesn't want to deal with the spoiled brats he's responsible for creating but doesn't want you to deal with them either. I'm sorry but he's a coward. He has to man up and take control of his adult kids. It sounds like you've done more than your share to make things right. Best of luck to you. You deserve better.

CLove's picture

I have a really rude, disrespectful SD25 Feral Forger (no college, no license, no job I think currently). Loads of arguments over her disrespecting of me. Finally, husband is sort of having my back after latest drama.

Feral Forger texted husband for $$$. We had just finished paying prop taxes, income taxes, etc. He had no $$$ to give. She texted "you abandoned me for your wh@re of a wife!" etc etc...more pity me cr@p. Because he told her she would have to work things out with me, if she wanted to ask to move in (a few years ago near to Christmas)

Your rude a$$ SS sounds like he needs to get a huge dose of reality. And your husband? He needs to be referred to Rags burning platform launch plan...

MorningMia's picture

I don't feel like I should be told that I am bitter and negative because the overflowing garbage bag set me over the top after finding my washer and dryer full of the same laundry that was in it 2 days ago and scrubbing lunch that wasn't mine off of the stove.

Yea, that part would have sent me over the edge. There is a tinge (or more) of emotional abuse in that statement/those words. Or at least gaslighting. Turning the situation on you (there must be something wrong with you) rather than facing the truth. In one way or another, many/most/all of us have been there (I used to hear that I hated his kids and only saw the worst in people--hmm, talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy on that one). It's infuriating and WRONG.

Your story reminds me of what I have had to REPEATEDLY chant to myself: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's a b**** to be kind-hearted, forgiving, and hopeful, I swear! 

I guess one option is for you to ride these "kids." "Buffoon #1, you need empty the trash. Now. Otherwise, WiFi is shut down."  "Buffoon #2, you need to clean the bathroom TODAY or I'm putting a lock on the refrigerator."
You could also write down the rules as if these two are 5 (which is what they act like), share the rules/chore list with DH and see if he'll get onboard--or tell DH he needs to hire a house cleaner--and then hold the two doofuses to it. If they can't follow your rules, they need to leave. If DH doesn't want them to leave, I guess your choice is for you to leave again. So sorry you are dealing with this BS. It's got to be maddening. 


Harry's picture

Move out.  It's isn't working.  No one likes a bum. It's either you or his kids it's his choice, he has to make it,, him doing nothing isn't working fir you 

NotMeAnymore's picture

I completely understand you... it is very hard with these overgrown lazy chumps that have a Disney parent defending them ALL the time... it rankles!!! it feels like we are put on this earth to be those spawns' servants and having to bow down to their animalisitc behaviours!  And it's hard to walk and it's hard to stay... becasue a middle-ground of rules, courtesy and respect cannot be instilled into those uni-neuronic brains...

Just so you see what a pattern this is...

Last night at dinner time when the two SS spawns soon to be 20 were visiting (#1 one came for college summer vacation, the other #2 just lives with the other parent nearby) - a conversation came up that spwan #2 was too skinny and needed to eat better and gain weight. So my DISNEY SO said that I could provide a menu and cook my delicious food everyday (breakfast, lunch and dinner!!) for this SS MF! SS immediately took to it and said he would move back in to live here - and just go work out, eat and chill, OMG!!! An idiot that just dropped out of community college last week because he is soooo lazy and delusional thinking that his bouncer stupid job is going to carry him for life... (mind you I understand he has ADHD and dyslexia - but it sucks that this is used as an aexcuse ALL the time to justify his lack of drive and effort in life...)

I have a knot in my stomach... I haven't discussed this new cooking-maid role delusional expectation with SO because every time I say those idiots' names is like setting fire to the house with my SO... if this really is going to be asked of me... I'm out!! Because with these SS comes the baggage of laziness, no rules, and the I am the bit##, I am the neurotic, ,,, WHAT I AM IS TIRED!!

4_in_total's picture

Thank you! It IS hard to walk away but it IS hard to stay...

I appreciate all of these comments, I really thought I was alone in this blended family madness...

I guess I know what kind of discussion I will be having this weekend. Ugh... 

Winterglow's picture

Nope, your dh has no right to volunteer you. How about he cooks for his son if he feels so strongly about this? Give him the number of a good dietitian and wash your hands of the rest. Not your problem.  Give your dh a Gibbs-slap from me.

Beautiful Bird's picture

I hope he doesn't move back, and certainly do not cook for him!  That would just make life way too easy!!  I would absolutely refuse. Now.... if you felt like it, or there was a special occasion, that is different.  Some adult children absolutely take advantage of their biological and step parents' help.  I fell into that trap for a little while, but soon recognized that I was not actually helping, and relayed that to my SO.  HE still enables quite often, but I refuse to.  It's just not supportive for the SS in the long run.  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Stop cooking and buying food for anyone except you and your DH. They can buy their own food and cook it themselves. If they leave dirty dishes, but them on their beds. Then, have a "come to Jesus" with your DH and explain that if things don't immediately change, that you will moving out again and you probably won't be coming back this time.

Beautiful Bird's picture

I've had similar experiences with my DH and his adult children.  One SD is independent however, while the SS lives in separate quarters on DH property.  So... the financial enabling is only with one adult child.  The SS is 35 now and is still unable to live away from his father's home.  DH has made it completely too easy and comfortable for the SS to even initiate his complete independence, even though he is quite capable.  On top of that, he often resents his father and treats him very poorly.  Ours is a quite unusual situation, but I can absolutely relate.  It is the enabling which allows self-entitlement.  I remember when I was a very young adult (20), I had no choice but to work,and be responsible for myself.  All of your children are adults and should absolutely be expected to not only live on their own, but at the very least, go out of their way to help with everything they can while living with you.  I also believe paying for rent and food should be expected.  I see way too many parents (as loving as it seems) enable their adult children in this way.  It only holds them back, delays maturity and causes conflict in relationships.  I know every situation is different, but more should be done to help the SS and SD become fully independent...... especially if they live in the same house!!!  I am at least thankful I do not have to live in the same house as SS.  It would never work. I would certainly ask to have a serious conversation with DH about all this again.  I know it's so very hard.   

Rags's picture

You are not crazy to expect them to contribute. You are entirely crazy for allowing Skidults to move back at all.

Time to boot them both, and to boot their idiot father.  

IMHO of course.