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Is it normal to feel this way?

Cooke30's picture

Myself and my fiancé lived in to separate towns before we lived together so he knows his area more than I do and I know my town better etc. 

however, when the step kids come and stay, I find myself feeling a sort of way when they are talking to their dad about their home town, certain people from it etc. 

we have only been together 4 years but when the kids come and stay - they make me feel like I don't know my fiancé at all. They tell me stories about what he did in his past with their mum.. and he sometimes joins in. For example he got arrested for being drunk. Then she tried to get to him so she got arrested and put in a car... she somehow managed to get herself out that car to him bla bla bla. 
 

I found myself kinda annoyed/ angry/ frustrated. I even told him in private don't ever think il ever get arrested just to be with you like she did. His response was yeah I know  you wouldn't. 
 

im feeling like the man I thought I knew isn't him after all and I don't know who he is anymore.....

Winterglow's picture

Time tell him that you don't want to hear about the woman he used to screw - would he like it if you went on and on about your exes? It's also up to him to shut his kids up when they start on the subject. He shouldn't be joining in on the storytelling. Doesn't he understand how RUDE that is?

Just K's picture

I agree with Winterglow, your DH has to shut it down. If not, the skids will continue.  

Cooke30, it sounds like your DH isn't going to do that - because he enjoyed Crazy too much!  

My DH wasn’t that big of a fool to give YSD what she wanted – which was to excessively and obsessively talk (in a favorable way) about the Crazy-ass B*tch who bent DH over a divorce court bench and brutally divorced-raped him in his income/bank-account butt hole. To always be whaling, "Daddeee, please tell me a LOVE story about you and Mummy", how out of touch with reality (which shows just how much of a lack of emotional intelligence) these skids and BMs are. That is if the father has suffered enough to learn his lesson - don't mess around with Crazy. 

Cooke30, I don't think you SO suffered enough to stop his offspring from talking about the past!  Bad sign! 

CLove's picture

I did not like that at all.

How many times are we going to have to talk about that time you went to the snow with mom and dad and dad threw a snowball at moms butt?

I started changing the subject. "what are we doing for dinner?" Or I would bring my parents into it "oh my mom and dad would take us to the snow and blah blah blah".

Kids when they are young "want to share". Dad feeding into the walks down memory lane with his childen about the EX.

Put a stop to it and talk with your partner. Talk with a big sledgehammer because he obviously is completely oblivious.

Just K's picture

Cooke30 wrote:

I found myself kinda annoyed/ angry/ frustrated. I even told him in private don't ever think il ever get arrested just to be with you like she did. His response was yeah I know you wouldn't.

You held the mirror up to his face and he saw his past behavior as inappropriate and immature. 

Your SO is either clueless (doesn't know what his offspring is doing) or clueless (its rude to talk about a past relationship in company of the new one). In private, say this jokingly to him. 

"it sounds like your offspring are gunning for our breakup so you and Crazy can get back together.  If so, you know I WON’T get myself arrested for you – AND... I WON'T stand in your way when you and Crazy start playing (nut)house together again.  I’ll bring popcorn and might sell tickets to your sh*t-show!”

Your SO’s spawn, (maybe) it’s the egg donor –have an agenda here.  They are manipulating you – hoping to get an emotional reaction out of you, which you have provided.  Their mission is to make your life miserable.  Their best-case scenario for them is – they break up you and SO!  In their twisted minds, that would be a win-win for them and their Crazy-ass egg donor. 

My YSD is the most manipulative of DH’s offspring.  Her forte is relational aggression guerilla warfare.  Case in point: we are sitting at the dinner table and YSD sticks her nose up into the air (her tell) and puts on her ‘sweet and innocent little girl’ act.  Note, in your mind envision the most masculine teenage girl in bull dyke attire imaginable- trying to be feminine- and failing miserably. That's my YSD and when she does this she looks ridiculous. In her sickly sweet high, winey voice (which is like nails on a chalk board) she starts in with the leading questions:

“Daddeeee, do you remember when you and MY egg donor when to Hawaii for your honeymoon?”

YSD’s objective was to ostracize or shun me by starting a conversation about DH’s past with the BM (Bowel Movement) BUT, also to keep her egg donor ALWAYS IN DH’S MIND.  It could be a tactic the BM taught YSD or something YSD picked up herself

“Daddeee, I want to hear the story about how did you and MY egg donor meet?”

“Daddee, what did you get Mummy on her last birthday when you two were together?”

“Daddeee….?????”

 I realized what YSD was aiming for.  So, I acted like I wanted to hear all about it.  When YSD couldn’t complete the story she was telling (because she didn't think out her plan, and because she doesn't know what love is in addition to because she is completely devoid of empathy), I added to her story until DH told me to stop and asked me what I was doing.  I said, being a writer, I’m ALWAYS interested in new stories, and I can use this material in a book I’m writing.  I’m being helpful and filling in the ROMANTIC details.  YSD did not like this! It stopped her in her tracks. 

After that, ABOUT THE PAST, all I heard was crickets at the table – no more stories about the old times.  This sorry-ass excuse of a skid doesn’t like me and she isn't going to do anything (voluntary) to help me. So, I used this fact against her! 

HOWEVER, YSD can't help herself...she has to push until....

“Daddeee….????”

“Daddeee….????”

A few times, DH reluctantly answers her questions. 

BUT DH wasn’t that big of a fool to give YSD what she wanted – which was to excessively and obsessively talk (in a favorable way) about the Crazy-ass B*tch who bent DH over a divorce court bench and brutally divorced-raped him in his income/bank-account butt hole. To do a tactic like this "Daddeee, please tell me a LOVE story about you and Mummy", how out of touch with reality (which shows just how much of a lack of emotional intelligence) these skids and BMs have.

Word of Advice: Back to you...those skids are using relational aggression against you.  Your SO seems like he enjoyed his time with his ex-Crazy too much! Or, he's completely clueless!  As for the skids, once you learn how to handle their tactics – they will invent new ones to bother you.  It will NEVER stop.  You have to keep on your toes. 

If you aren’t married to your SO, please consider exiting the relationship while you can.  It’s been six years and if I knew then what I know now, I would never have married a divorce man with crazy, toxic-ass, skids.

PS I agree with RAGS 10000%  - You need a different SO!!!!! It sounds like Crazy is his kind of Crazy!  Kick this dude to the curve! 

Notthedoormat's picture

But my Skids are technically legal adults now who should know better.  DH shut SD22 down a few times when she pushed the boundaries with tiktok videos she  made with old photos of BM and DH...she would post them in our family group chat. 

Definitely make yourself clear on your need for him to shut it down when this starts.  If he refuses,  reconsider the relationship and never settle for 2nd place. Or even a tie for 1st.

Survivingstephell's picture

They do this on purpose.  To make you feel like the interloper.   Does SO know how you feel ?  Does SO like discussing his past life and remembering his ex?   You could always join in and ask questions for embarrassing stories of SO.   Nobody is perfect and I'm sure BM must have given the skids something special to share.  
 

Men tend to think if you are sitting there, that's good enough and they don't need to work hard at helping you fit in. You're sitting there! All is good.  But it's not and you can  either leave them to it or join in and change the subject/conversation.  You know what you can handle in the moment.  

Noway2b1's picture

These stories seem to require you being present to continue. Eventually they get the point. I always refer to these times "family reunion story time" as in DH will mention something that happened during the visit and I'll say "oh I didn't hear/see that because it was family reunion story time" It rarely happens any more. Partly because I'm so disengaged from them all I rarely see or interact with them any more.