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How to Rebuild Relationships with Young Adult Children

Horsey Mom's picture

SC continue to reject their father. He has not forced relationships with his children for the last 7 yrs. He has waited for them to make the choice to reconcile their relationships. Now that they are older it seems they are making the choice to reject him. I have encouraged him to make contact with them and as a result blatant rejection. SS25 has been in Navy and has had very little interaction. SD20 has become more distant in last few years and is currently away at college. Of which we do pay 1/2 tution. Has rejected any communication with her father. SS12 is caught in middle of BM and Father. Father stepped back because of the restrictions that were demanded on his visitation rights and of the turmoil that took place when he went to pick up SS12. Now SS12 is distant to father and we don't know how if he wants a relationship with his father. How best for father to approach and resolve conflict?

Horsey Mom's picture

We are fortunate that there are no major issues regarding the character or lifes of these young adults. I am a SM who wants their father to have a relationship with them. So there have been no major issues or fallouts that have caused these broken relationships...only the divorce and the relationship with me. BM has not remarried.

Horsey Mom's picture

yes but DH does not want to force any visitation. refuses to expose SS12 to more confrontation. DH makes request and BM denies. DH backs away. Last communication SS25 "advised" DH to see SS12 exactly on the terms that BM has made. Then DH can try to mend relations with SS25 and SD20...Yes, DH provides CS and even has continued to pay same amount after SD20 turned 18. As good faith effort I think. Doesn't seem to matter to BM.

Jsmom's picture

Is there a requirement to pay tuition for middle child. I would stop that. As for youngest he needs to force visitation or he will continue to be just a wallet to these kids...

Horsey Mom's picture

He wants to provide for his children. Children have never been denied anything. But then they dont ask for anything. They accept the gifts that he offers at Christmas and Birthdays. He doesn't want to use money as weapon. They flat just reject him as the Father. It just appears that they are punishing him for the divorce. The loyalty to BM is first and foremost. Core of problem is they reject me and their relationship with their father has paid the price.

Horsey Mom's picture

After reading about so many bad situations, I almost hear people asking me why I want DH to have relationships with his children!
My own experiences I had a SM and not a good relationship and was a SM. I have always wanted to be a "good" SM. Not saying I always was in last marriage. But to this day, I have maintained relationships with 2 SD from previous. Maybe some of it is guilt feeling like a large part of the problem. But also having lost my own father at the age of 12 I cant even imagine why these children refuse even a casual relationship with him. He is a good person. And is that really an option...WALK AWAY PERMANENTLY?
SS23 has recently married and has a newborn. This son has a relationship with DH as they have worked together since HS and he also lived with us while he finished HS. Both he and his wife are open to a relationship with both of us as grandparents. But we fall third after both Mothers so it is somewhat limited and somewhat on the quiet so as not to offend BM. Having a relationship with one son out of four children just doesnt seem right to me. As there are and will be occasions that all will be present for, ie...SS23 wedding this past year. All walk on eggshells to make sure BM isn't offended.

skylarksms's picture

If you figure it out, let me know.

SD had a baby when 16 last year. She's 17 now. We have not seen her or baby since Father's Day when she came over for a few hours.

She has not responded to any texts, emails, voicemail etc that we (both) have sent. Her brother comes every time but he just says, "I don't know" when asked questions.

I personally think that H should press harder to resolve this issue. I also think that H should have pressed harder to fight the BM's interference with his visitation. But he doesn't do anything. He is just happy that SS is still coming.

It's made me lose a lot of respect for him.

Horsey Mom's picture

I have told him that it does reflect on his character. I havent lost respect for him but it does cause concern. I want him to be respected by his children as well. So there is some battle within for him...he doesnt win on either side of the coin. I want to contact SS25 and encourage him to try and have a relationship with his father. But in doing so, my fear is making things that much more impossible. There has not been any communication prior between us. So do I or do I not...

Horsey Mom's picture

yes there is always more to the story. We have no idea what the BM has said to the children about me but I have heard that she has told an adult that she blames me for the breakup of her marriage. But regardless of the blame between adults, it has spilled over to the children. She has won their loyalty as she has made all of the sacrifices for her children. While the father has gone off and made a life of his own leaving them behind. So as the children are now young adults we hoped they would be out of the physical control of their mother, but still are in the emotional control. She has been very manipulative...she treats the father as one would a stranger and not as their father. And from where I sit, I see the children treating him the same. He is passive as he doesnt want to force himself on them if they dont want him. She has spent the last 9 yrs keeping them from me and as a result kept them from their father. But of course all blame is his.

I am in the middle of it and I feel like I am missing something!

Horsey Mom's picture

yes, that is what I believe as well. They are adults making these choices...and I believe they are very wrong for everybody. It is a sad situation.

I think I should continue to encourage the father to keep making attempts to communicate but it is very upsetting when he gets zero in return. I seem to react more strongly than he does but that is more like I am more verbal and expressive and he keeps his hurt and shame within.

Heartbreaking...

AVR1962's picture

Divorce and step family sitautions leads to lots of hard feelings all the way around. It's hard to say what the kids are thiking or what they believe, why their feelings are hard, and if that's the reason they are distant. What I can say is that there cannot be a relationship between any two people unless both want that relationship. We can be forced to feel to try for the sake of a loved one but unless it comes from within us it's not going to last. It has to be mutual.

Horsey Mom's picture

wow...thanks for all input. I guess I can be thankful that we havent had worse issues or at least a whole new set of issues.

I always say...careful what you ask for, you just may get it. So I should heed my own words.

We have a wonderful life together. My children are four-legged and they don't talk back! Well sometimes they do! Many days when I hear of issues with friends and their biological kid's issues I am glad we don't have those things to deal with. Maybe I am selfish...naw.

I hope to convince DH to make attempts to show up at SS12 sports activities this spring. It is a start...

nomorelies's picture

This is so sad that so many children refuse to have a relationship with one parent is to blame for all their problems. It's terrible that they don't remember the good things that parent did for them. Too bad the custodial parent can't see through the hate to see what an indelible scar this leaves on the children.