You are here

How do I accept her?

Lavenderpaw's picture

Now let me explain, first of all I am an adult stepchild. I lived with my dad and he got married when I was 17 and I moved into an apartment with a friend at 18.

I'm 21 now and I've never figured out how to make peace with my stemom. Please don't think of me negatively. I haven't really had a relationship with my dad for several years and I really do love my her grandson, etc.

I just want to understand her perspective and maybe a stepparent out there can help me. I can't ask another stepkid from another family because they have no insight.

You guys are the main source and you understand what being a stepparent means.

I'd just like to move on and love my dad no matter what. Heck, I tried to love my stepmom. She just never seemed interested.

neveragain's picture

Just accept her as your dad's wife. Not a subtitute mom. He can be in your life without you two having a relationship. If you can both just be civil, things may work out. What is your biggest problem? You haven't been very specific.

Lavenderpaw's picture

I sort of have a relationship with him. We talk and stuff.

Maybe I should just continue to talk to my dad and ask about my step-nephew, etc. He is a cute little guy, looks just like his dad. Smile

Shannon61's picture

Great. Also ask dad about SM and how's she's doing? Ask if you can take treat them to dinner and show geniune interest in their lives. Is there any friction between you and SM? If not, take the first step in building a better relationship w/them both. If SM doesn't want to be included, you can't say you didn't try.

Anon2009's picture

I'm an adult SD too. I know that, like anything else in life, it has its challenges.

What has helped me over the years is just being civil to my SM. Over time, being nice to her helped me to feel more peaceful about her.

What's your history with her like? With my stepmother, learning to forgive her for her mistakes and owning up to my own has been essential. She was the "other woman" my dad cheated with while married to my mom. She also bashed my mom to me. I think she might be BPD but she's never been diagnosed.

Jsmom's picture

I also have a stepmom. I really just think of her as the lady that married my dad. She is nice enough. Not really personal with me. I only have to see her once in awhile, but I do recognize her as just a nice lady...No more no less. I don't speak ill of her and she doesn't of me. Also, she and my dad had a relationship before my Dad was divorced from my mom and honestly I could care less. My parents should have divorced years earlier.

Don't be mean, be cordial and try and just be nice when your Dad and her are around. You don't have to be close, you just can't be hostile and expect a relationship with your Dad. He will protect her and do what is best for his marriage. As he should.

firefly39's picture

Smile Hi Hun!

Well from being a stepmother myself. Only thing I would like from my stepchildren is to just be respected ,understood & accepted,cause I know I will never take there mothers place nor would I ever want to,but just being a friend to them is what I feel my role in there lives should be & nothing more. To feel accepted by them for me would mean that they don't exclude me ,shut me out or make me feel what I have to say doesn't matter ,just them including me would be nice,but some Skids aren't that way & you seem to have a good heart so I commend you for wanting to show you care & to try with her that says a lot and like everyone said just by you being kind,civil to her ,asking about her on phone ,taking them to dinner may not seem like much ,but trust me from experience that means a lot to a SM . Its little things that go along way you cant go wrong. Even maybe finding out what things she likes & buy her little something for mothers day with card could be nice gesture to show you care,but your on right track.Those are things moms don't forget & with time or if not sooner it could make you both closer. I wish you luck!

Lorelai's picture

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Not as a SM, but as a SD.

It appears that your SM doesn't have much interest in forging a relationship with you. But...if there is a chance, you have to try, take the advice here and give it a go. Be the bigger person. If she is still not responsive, then I don't know what to say, all you can do is say that you tried.

I think that it's horrifying when a parent marries someone that doesn't get on with their kids. My dad did that to me, married someone who had NO interest in being there for me, helping me out, being a mother figure...and I desperately needed one. She was horrific and cold. She didn't deserve my dad and she realized it years later and finally left him. But, really, the whole thing was my dad's fault. He never should have married someone who didn't like or love me and vice versa. Bad Dad.

As a SM now, I would never even dream of being in the relationship I am in if I didn't totally adore my BF's kids. For me, it's one of those markers...it's one of the signs...it's "how you know". If you aren't trying for a relationship with your SD/SS, then you shouldn't be there at all. With that said, however, there are horrific children out there...and you might just have to ride it out.

Good luck...sounds to me like you are sad and afraid to be losing your dad. I feel for you and hope he wakes up eventually.

dodgegal05's picture

marrying someone that doesnt get along with a so's kids isnt always applicable. Adult skids usually are not in the picture very much and forging a relationship with the skid is impossible. Also forging the relationship is a two way road. A sm can try to connect with a sdult skid, but the adult skid can not care to as they do not have to be around eachother. while I do not hate my adult skids, i do not have a close relationship with any of them. we only see one of them maybe 5 times a year. The others never come around.
I dont feel its a parents job to provide a child with another parent. Personal happiness is what matters, not doing everything to make a child happy. This of course depends on the kids age, but with adult skids finding love is more important than a replaced parent figure. IMHO.

purpledaisies's picture

Hi I'm a step mom too and my dh has a step mom, technically her has 2 but one has always been his mom (his mom did not raise him).

All I want from my skids is to respect me as their fathers wife, I am not here to be a mom to them they have one.

The one thing to remember is that please do not exclude her on purpose. Like if you are having a dinner or bday or get together or event and you invite your dad you need to invite her too. She is his wife and she needs to be at his side.

Now remember it is ok not to have the love for her as you do for your mom. I do not expect my skids to love me like their mom but they do like me which is better then most on here. I am very fortunate that my skids really truly like me. But I think that is b/c when I noticed their mom freaking out and telling them crap about me I choose to step aside and not force anything on them. I was really concerned with them not having to choose that was not fair to them.

I'm rambling sorry. Above all be nice to her and expect that where ever dad is she will be most of the time. Smile

Disneyfan's picture

Has your SM reached out to you? If she has spent the last 4 years prentending you don't exist, then your efforts may not work. I agree with the things suggested here. However, I think the SM should have done/do these things as well.