Follow up to the "NO GIFTS" drama ...
For those of you who may not have read my previous post, in a nutshell here is the situation: My SO decided that he was not giving gifts to anyone this year, and didn't want to receive any from anyone either. He made this decision on his own and just announced it to me. This is after many, many years of lavishing time and attention on the skids over the years, since SO always wanted there to be lots of presents under the tree!
For those who might have been following along, here's how it all panned out.
So Christmas holiday arrives and my family comes over. We all had a nice dinner and then my siblings and I exchanged gifts. We had a fun time doing so, and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. My SO sat with us but of course he didn't have anything to unwrap. I did give him a "romantic" Christmas card which he seemed to appreciate but he didn't get me one.
Fast forward to today. On our doorstep arrives a box from SD. Inside of it are gifts for us. I asked my SO if he had explained HIS new "no gifts" policy to SD and if so, why did she send us this stuff? He said he did tell her that WE decided we were not doing gifts (BTW, note he said "WE" which is false - HE made this decision on his own!). But he said SD told him she had already bought something for us and the box was already in the mail. He said when she told him that, he sent her and her husband a check in a Christmas card he got them.
I. AM. F#CKING. FUMING.
I just laid into him and told him how crappy this whole situation was this year. I asked him that while he was at the store getting his daughter & son-in-law a card, did it even cross his mind to get me one??! Obviously not. I also reminded him about all the years of time, money and energy I spent on getting gifts for skids AND his family over the years.
Now that it's just me here, he doesn't want to bother anymore.
At first he tried to reason/argue his way out of it but I countered him on every point. He made a half-assed attempt to justify it by saying, "Well, it's my daughter and I decided to send her a check ..."
And therein lies the crux of the issue: He KNEW all along he could take care of SD & hubby by sending them a nice fat check which is what they really wanted. Anyone else he couldn't just drop a check on, and would take thought, time and energy to get a gift for (including me) so it was easy to say he wasn't doing gift-giving anymore.
Then he went to his exit strategy which was to apologize and then immediately assume the role of martyr. Now he will sulk and feel sorry for himself for "doing it all wrong."
What fumes me the most is did he really think I am that obtuse and stupid that I didn't see through this???
Oh, and I wanted to add
Oh, and I wanted to add ...
His "loving" daughter didn't even initiate a text or call him on Christmas. He texted her and got back a "Merry Christmas love you" in return. But could she call her father - hell no! That's too much time and energy.
That's just plain shi**y. I
That's just plain shi**y. I am so sorry for you. There is no way he can mansplain this awful move on his part.
I would be livid. He just told you where you stand in the "no giving gifts" order. Now he plays the martyr. He can go f*ck himself from now on.
What a jerk. Just love how he throws you under the bus with "we decided", because that is code for making you the bad guy.
Yep, that pretty much sums it
Yep, that pretty much sums it up. It really makes me look bad, because SD & hubby ultimately got a nice check from HIM. Which probably makes them think that it was really my idea to not do gifts ... since HE followed through with one!
Take away his martyr status
Take away his martyr status by telling him that he should feel like shite, he should be feeling sorry for himself because he is a sorry a$$hole and that he did do it ALL wrong. Then tell him to learn from his mistakes and figure out a way to make it up to you.
ACTIONS NOT WORDS!
^^^THIS!!!^^^ My DH used to
^^^THIS!!!^^^ My DH used to try the "I never do anything right" B.S. too - looking to make you look bad. I came back with, "You didn't do it right this time." The 'no gift giving' idea was your DH's idea in the first place. Let him own it.
I would be livid that he felt the need to refrain from giving you a gift but not SD. Like notsobad wrote, tell him to figure out a way of making this up to you. Maybe give him the choice of getting you something VERY nice or letting you purchase the gift to you from him - no cost limit. But what I think you really deserve first is a big apology.
Good luck with an apology;
Good luck with an apology; that never happens in our house. My DH is always right, it's always my fault when, in fact, he darn well knows he's caught in a sneaky situation.
I don't waste the words any longer; I give him that "I know you're lying" look and walk away without a word. Then if he starts a conversation to kids, and turns the "bad guy" to me, I just speak up and say "now if you all believe what DH's telling you, I have a $3 bill that's worth $1M." Men?????? Ugh!!!!
Ya, I wrote she deserves a
Ya, I wrote she deserves a big apology, and I meant it should be sincere - not that she will ever get it. I've never received a heartfelt apology - or thank you - from my DH either. I agree with Sammi - never allow SO to even think that you accept his lame excuses or false blame. "I give him that 'I know you're lying' look and walk away without a word." I say, "Ya, right", and walk away. I never take the blame for something I haven't done anymore.
One year I received an oil change and a can of coffee for my birthday from DH. I actually made a joke out of it to share with friends. DH learned very quickly not to do that again. But SD never seemed to learn that 'regifting' does not mean giving outdated items out of your kitchen cupboard. Like Sammi, it wound up in the trash.
Next year tell SO what you want for Christmas, if he wants to play that same game he can do it with the skids.
What I would do, in your
What I would do, in your situation Sandye, is go out and buy myself what I wanted, wrap them up and put them under the tree. In another box I would put the bills for them (receipts etc.), wrap it and give it to him with a note telling him he could pay for them, reimburse you, you will be taking it out of family funds, etc.
And make certain those gifts are very nice and expensive. Nope, no Lexus, fur coat etc, that would be going too far
but you get the idea.
The oil change gift was just
The oil change gift was just a few tears after we got married. He learned not to do it again and is now very generous and thoughtful. I make sure I ask him what he wants and tell him what I want plenty of time before Christmas. But I agree with you, SDM. If DH gets cheap get something you want and let him pay the bill. LOL
This is the best idea ever!
This is the best idea ever!
I got the apology but it
I got the apology but it wasn't big nor sincere. It was pretty much a prelude to his "Oh, poor me I did wrong" and a whopping case of feeling sorry for himself.
Oh yes. My DH always pulls
Oh yes. My DH always pulls that "I was trying to do right, so sorry".
OP let him feel sorry for
OP let him feel sorry for himself, he should. My guess is that he is trying to just make excuses because of what he did. Don't take any of the blame. When he gives you that "oh poor me I did wrong" carp just look at him and say calmly, yes dear, yes you did and you hurt me.
Forget the apology, I don't think men have been programed to apologize no matter how bad they acted. That is why you only see that that in movies or in fiction books.
If SO ever pulled this crap
If SO ever pulled this crap is be ticked off too.
WE chose to do this easily gets changed to SM in the kids minds. Even if he did take full responsibility for his choice (which I don't have an issue with) there's still a good chance you'd be blamed.
Like you said.... he's suddenly the hero when he goes back on his word because I'm sure he didn't make it clear that the card was from WE.
He should have let her know earlier or just said, "I'm sorry but this is my choice." Maybe offer to return the gift they sent.
Gifts aren't mandatory in families.
This year my family got very little from me and SO. I flat out told them that we wanted to focus on the kids and even that wasn't going to be alot. I recognized and appreciated that they were doing alot for us but we couldn't reciprocate nor did I expect them to go overboard like they did.
I felt bad for a moment she found out my sister spent over 100 on SO's kids while we spent about 30 on hers.... but we stuck by out decision and budget. If she changes what she gives next year I understand but then again I never expected it in the first place.
If you were betting on him
If you were betting on him not signing my name, you'd be winning big Trolls! I am certain my name wasn't on the card. And you are right that anything and everything the skids don't like or agree with will typically be blamed on the SM.
Just let it go and don't talk
Just let it go and don't talk about it this year. Just make sure you set boundaries for any future holidays, including birthday's and then tell your DH, "We WILL stick to them". If they give you gifts, except them with a smile. Just don't give gifts if you don't want to do so.
This is what happened in our household 5 years ago. The decision was made to give a small token gift for Christmas, because we have no small children in any households now. I turned the gift giving for skids over to DH. He gave small token gifts to SD, OSS, and YSS as agreed, with my knowledge. SD56 kept giving more and large gifts, to show me! I just let it go, never commented and finally she got tired of that game and now gives a small token "yard sale basket" of rancid lotions and rancid candy. She thinks she's "showing me" again. I just smile inside and throw it away, when DH isn't looking.
Seriously, this year SD56 gave stale popcorn in a can, outdated on the bottom of the can. She gave two containers of horrible flavored mustard, rancid smelling, all in a plain huge basket with no trimmings. It made the gift look very small in such a large basket. Yes, it's passive aggression and I think it's funny, because DH does notice. LOL I put the mustard in the pantry, it will be trashed in a couple of weeks. I opened the popcorn, DH tasted it and it is sitting in a corner, where it will stay for a couple of weeks and then to the trash. I won't eat anything she gives us, because it's horrid.
Just ignore the games and you and DH come to an agreement and stick to it. Just make sure your wishes are known, so there is no "gift in the mail" excuse.
Sammi, I just don't
Sammi, I just don't understand what is going on in your SD's mind when she gives you these gifts. IMO that isn't passive aggressive - it's outright aggressive. Kind of like taking a dump on someone else's desk at work, and then saying you just couldn't make it to the bathroom in time.
If I were you, I'd flat out say to her face that the food gifts she gave were outdated and may be dangerous to eat. Therefore, they are immediately going in the trash.
What's next - will she give you a bottle of arsenic with a coffee-flavoring label on it? These types know NO bounds, I think.
Sammi - After reading what
Sammi - After reading what your SD gave you I am wondering if Twit and her are really twins and got separated at birth
Not really, mine is psycho and dangerous. Always looking for a weakness so she can get what she wants and to hurt me.
I can still remember the filthy dirty napkins - yes, food stains, crusty stuff, etc. that she gave me one year because she knew I liked nice linen. Or the one that I finally blew my top on (after successive years of this type of carp, a cheap thrift store ashtray beautiful wrapped with a fantastic bow on it. Looked like it was going to be something nice...it wasn't. When I called her on it by asking just what this was and that I don't smoke, never have, Twit started bawling to DH and crying "It's the thought that counts". Which DH backed up...not the gift the thought, blah, blah, blah. I had to agree because I told DH Twit was right...since it is the thought that counts that the cheap ashtray showed just what she thought of me.
That was the same year she gave him that ratty well used, greasy grill set and told him that when he learned to use it she would sell him one that costs $100 from her pot and pan company!
Now I realize that a lot of the reason she does this stuff is that she is CHEAP. She expects nice expensive things as gifts from others. I guess for years people let her get away with it. Only her babies and hubby get nice things.
Once DH and I took them out for lobster, seafood, etc. buffet at the Casino (this was before we learned what they were like). Her only remark about it was that "there is nothing I like more than free expensive food"! Not a thank you, it was good, nothing.
I hate giving gifts to people
I hate giving gifts to people I don't see. I sent $150 to my sister's kids and I probably won't see them for a year. I think it's a waste and it becomes about the gift and nothing more. So I see why he didn't want to exchange with absent kids.
You, though, were not absent. What is there left of a relationship if the little special times are chucked? Paying bills, raking leaves, fixing the dishwasher. You become roommates. You need those special things to charge a spark.
On top of that, he pulled that stunt with making you seem the bad guy. Yea, I'd be mad too - we've had similar situations in our household and I fume. All I can say is disengaging stopped this stuff from driving me insane.
But that still leaves the fact that your SO feels you can be ignored at gift time but his kids can't. Maybe when you are not fuming (only simmering!) sit him down and try to lay out how this looks to you again. If you stop celebrating the little things, there isn't much left to look forward to. There's no opportunity to show someone you actually care about them. It seems he doesn't feel the need to show you he cares anymore and that's a problem.
You bring up a very valid,
You bring up a very valid, and painfully honest, point. Which I agree with. If you can't do something special for your someone special on special days, then what kind of relationship do you have?
Like I told my SO last night, "Do you think you made me feel CHERISHED by not even bothering to get me a damn card??"
Time will tell on this one ... it is one of those red-flag moments that bears close watching on how he behaves in the future.
Marble - I think when you
Marble - I think when you give people money they don't really appreciate it. Sure, they can use it to buy something they want, but the connection between an item and who gave it to them is, IMHO, lost.
My birthday is coming up in
My birthday is coming up in 10 days; DH asked yesterday, what would you like for your birthday. I told him I would like a "nap".
I pay attention all year to people I care about and buy gifts accordingly. I don't understand why people don't care enough, to know a person well enough, to get them a simple, personal gift.
I don't require "expensive", just "thoughtful".
I hate telling someone, "what I want". I just won't do it.
sammi sez: "I pay attention
sammi sez: "I pay attention all year to people I care about and buy gifts accordingly. I don't understand why people don't care enough, to know a person well enough, to get them a simple, personal gift.
I don't require "expensive", just "thoughtful".
Exactly. Twit would cry, after giving trashy garbage as gifts that she didn't know what we liked. Umm, pay attention Twit. Funny, we know what she likes and doesn't but that would be asking too much of totally self involved Twit to do that to someone outside her babies and husband.
And, she knows I like nice linen but who the heck wants old, dirty, stained and crusty stuff? If that doesn't show total lack of respect, caring, etc. then what does.
Most of the time I was in
Most of the time I was in luck - SD didn't get me anything. But when she DID decide to the last Christmas we spent with her 7 years ago, I received a minute jar of jam she had made and a bottle of out-dated syrup, and she used a gift bag from my wrapping supplies. I got the impression it was thrown in the bag in a hurry - neither thoughtful or expensive. Re-gifting to an unbelievable level. I had bought a beautiful pin for her which I thought she would like but when she found out I had purchased it instead of her father she was obviously not impressed, rudely turned her back to me and blurted, "Ya, I saw it!" By the way, that morning I was preparing breakfast and as I pulled out my home-made strawberry jam she leaned over the bar in the kitchen and snapped, "I HATE strawberry jam."
I am guilty of not paying enough attention to know what to get everyone but I usually know what DH and close friends would like but I still ask DH what he wants. He is not a demonstrative person and I want to be sure to get him what he wants. And there are years he is stumped about what to get for me and asks me what I want. At those times he shows he is appreciative of it. I guess it depends on the situation.
Don't know about you, but I think this re-gifting thing has gotten out of hand. This year I got a nut cracker from the 70's, a butter holder, candles, soap, slippers which are 4 sizes too large and several other items I will never use. I would have rather they just wish me 'Happy Holidays'.
Anyway, one of the best Christmas presents for me this year was knowing that I did not have to put up with SD. LOL
What is it with people and
What is it with people and giving others CLOWN-SIZED slippers!?? My SD gave me a pair last year; crap-brown with huge polka dots and of a size only Bozo could wear.
And I am with you, Sandy, that the best gift of all was not having to deal with SD (and her creepy husband) this year. Hopefully, it will be never again since we live over a thousand miles away now!
After all my DH gave me this
After all my DH gave me this year was a cheap box of chocolates for which I was blamed because I am 'difficult' to buy for, I wondered if he took note of all the lovely gifts I received from my family and friends- most of which were the simple but thoughtful things Sammi described. I will admit I don't like surprises, but after all the money he spent on his own family it felt like a slap in the face for me.
DH is not thoughtful- he will spend any amount of money if asked, but he lacks the imagination to buy a simple gift that would make me smile. I think his family are the same- it is either the latest craze in the shops or something big and costly. To them size and money seem paramount. What a sad bunch of people they are.
Yep, that supposedly was the
Yep, that supposedly was the crux of my SO's problem: He says it is too DIFFICULT to figure out gifts and he'd rather not try. Lack of imagination or refusal to do something thoughtful because it's difficult, well the result is the same. The truth is they don't have the emotional investment nor intellectual desire to WORK at thinking of something thoughtful. Thus, they'd rather be thoughtless.
And that's what we wind up with.
OK by me. That street goes two ways. My SO certainly enjoyed (notice I made that past-tense!) all the thought I put into him and his skids AND his family's gifts over the years. No more.