Failure to Launch Stepson Issue
Well I am new here and I read the letter from one stepmother whose adult stepson was still living at home, not following the rules, and enabled by biological dad.
Well my situation isn't quite as bad, no laws are being broken. However, this boomerang adult stepson went to college, totally funded by bio dad (my husband) Parent loans, and dropped out of school 75% of the way through because of high debt. After our marriage, I discovered that boomerang stepson has been with dad for TWO YEARS, and has achieved nothing except paying down his credit card. Stepson works only 3 days a week, only enough to pay credit card, car, and cell phone (a brand new Android!!). So nothing is contributed to home rent, etc. He does keep his area clean, but no other chores. Oh, and he brought 2 cats with him which makes 4 cats living here, which is sometimes intolerable to me. When boomerang stepson isn't working, he is in his room playing XBox. I see no evidence of job hunting, though he claims he is looking.
I have spoken to my husband, and he loves his son very much and wants to help him, but doesn't quite understand that all this enabling is NOT helping his son grow up!
I have suggested that any child of any age living in our home should be 1. Going to school full time or 2. Working full time. or 3. 1/2 school and 1/2 work or 4. working PT and job seeking 1/2 time. My husband agrees with me in theory but will not enforce it! He feels guilt about breaking up his marriage to son's mother, and is vastly overcompensating.
I see that I am in a lose/lose situation. If I speak up, husband gets frustrated having to try to keep his home peaceful. If I don't speak up, I burn with resentment.
I would appreciate any advice. I expected stepfamily issues, but an adult stepchild doesn't fit into the expected category, so I am at a loss to deal with it. I find it hard to engage him in conversation because I am so resentful and do not respect this stepson. My 2 son in laws are the SAME age and are both married, and productive members of society.
Thanks for this forum, its exactly what I need.
Signed,
New stepmom to an adult child.
I supposed I assumed it had
I supposed I assumed it had only been one, since they had relocated a year ago.
You know what they say. Love is blind. I assumed that this situation would only be temporary.
Shasta . .welcome aboard. I
Shasta . .welcome aboard. I can relate and understand. Your DH has to step up and encourage his son to get a plan for his life. DH needs to make HIS son get a full time job and start saving for a place, or go back to school while working part-time. Either way, the final objective should be for him to get his own place. How long does he intend to stay live with you? DH is indeed enabling him. Sit down w/DH and get a plan, then sit down with SS and enforce it. He needs to know it's time to stand on his own 2 feet. If you continue to not address it, you'll grow more resentful . .trust me. Keeping the peace is keeping you happy . .period. If you're not happy, there is no peace.
I'm telling you this because I don't want you to end up like me. My SD still lives at home w/us. She's educated and is working, but DH did everything for her . .including washing her clothes, until I put my foot down. She leaves her room like a tornado and could care less about the rest of the house. She's also unfriendly, moody, selfish, difficult to live with, petty and mean spirited. I've learned to accept this is just who she is because she's not my child and BM put her thru hell. She's also gettting married next year so it's just a matter of time now before she'll be gone. Before they announced the engagement, DH didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I told him if she wasn't gone in a year, I was leaving. I married him and didn't give up a wonderful single life of peace, order and fun to live with him and a troubled SD. And for the record. . .SD will turn 28 in a few months. In her case, failure to launch would be an understatement.
Stay encouraged and good luck.
This is one of my nightmare
This is one of my nightmare scenarios - a free-loading mooch SD that won't leave. She's only 17 now, and still in school, but I could easily see her "failing to launch" and trying to live with us forever. I have already told my wife MANY, MANY times that ths is not going to happen. I have tried to think through every contingency and option, from encouraging SD17 to move back in with her perfect bio-daddy before she graduates high school, to moving her in with my MIL.
If worse comes to worse, we also have the nuclear option: sell our house and maintain no permanent residence. I travel 8-9 months a year for work, and my company puts me up in a hotel when I am on the road. Once SD is out of high school, DW will quit working, and will travel with me. This option will be feasible, although maybe not comfortable during the time of the year we are at home (we would live in an extended-stay hotel while at home). I am not crazy about the nuclear option, but DW supports it and we WILL do it if necessary. We will NOT be enabling a life-long moocher!
Good for you!
Good for you!
how about just making it VERY
how about just making it VERY clear to SD that once she's 18, she's on her own and then changing the locks?
I doubt it would be that
I doubt it would be that easy. DW vacillates between being a child-worshiping "friend" parent, and a rational adult who says "I can't wait until she's out of the house!" Almost a split-personality thing. I'm just afraid if SD gets out of high school and has no plans, that DW's "child-worshiping" persona will allow SD to stay with us. If the house is gone, then this is not an option.
Paul you are so right on.
Paul you are so right on. And you have an excellent plan regarding selling the house.
It's not as easy as changing the locks and telling them they're out at 18.
Most young folks my SD's age have no desire to live at home at damn near 30. She's the by product of enabling at its best. And even with a plan, she prefers to stay here and mooch off/take advantage of us while spending her money on herself. If she weren't getting married, I think she'd try to stay with us another 3 years.
Sometimes you just have to
Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and lay down the law, folks. DW may not like the idea, but would you honestly rather deal with her for several more years and have misery 24/7, or a temper tantrum from DH? For my situation, there are nearly countless reasons(beyond just not wanting to be evicted because of some stunt steppunk is nearly guaranteed to pull) that he wasn't allowed to come live here. I realize though that bioparents are a huge part of the problem many times...and while steppunk is techically "homeless" he's managed to get by. Couch-hopping may not be the most fun thing in the world, but if he wants a place bad enough he'll figure out a way to get one. Paul--perhaps point out the fact that SD can be "making plans" now and ask her about her plans every chance you get....and pressure her to get a job and save up, etc.
We got Stain out last year,
We got Stain out last year, He was turning 20 wouldn't work an thought he'd play video games and watch TV all day while making messes. He is still pissed he had to move and work, but I don't care I'm done with the abuse. The thing that turned things around was Husband and I were both on the same page, I gently had to show husband that he was hurting his son by enabling this bad behavior, didn't hurt that Husband has a brother that was coddled and at 60 is lost now that MIL passed and he has to budget his money. There were a few in your face arguments with husband but I actually gained more traction remaining calm, besides we have 4 kids combined and husband knows its not fair to support one and not the rest and we were barely making it supporting Stain. And I made consistant boundries for what I'd tolerate myself . Key thing in all this is your Husband and you need to be on the same page.I'm not saying don't help your skids, I'm saying don't enable them and yes there is a huge difference
Buttercookie, You are so
Buttercookie, You are so right when you say that you have to be on the same page. I'm very happy I was able to get DH on the same page with me. I had to gently open his eyes to what was really going on with his daughter. I was lucky he accepted it and made a plan to be out from under her user ways, as much as possible.
Shasta, I promise you and
Shasta, I promise you and your DH that being a friend rather than a parent is HURTING your SS. THAT is what he should feel guilty about. I have done that as has my DH and we're still cleaning up.
The best possible way for your DH to help his son is to make him be responsible for his own life. Get a job, get out of the house, finish school, whatever. I would work out with your DH what you agree is a reasonable plan and timeline including what happens if SS doesn't live up to your expectations. Then enforce it.
Enforcement will be HARD for your DH. But I hope he'll know he's doing the right thing. Otherwise he'll be stuck with an unhappy wife and an adult child who can't function in the world. One way to present it is to ask what DH would like for his son, and then talk about the steps necessary to get there. Living at home with zero responsibilities will just lead to more of the same.
You need to take care of yourself, including making sure your DH understands what you need and what you will not tolerate in your home.
Well said!
Well said!
Even with a plan, these new
Even with a plan, these new age (adult/kids) don't want to leave. I've never seen anything like it. I couldn't wait to move. But my mom taught me self-reliance.
My SD is finally getting it .. it's not normal to live at home 28 . . unless someone is ill. DH has enabled her for so long, she still thinks she a child and acts accordingly. I had to set DH straight about her not having any accountability here, thus getting a free ride to do whatever she wanted. And spending her money on clothes and shoes, instead of paying rent and buying food. Those days are over. I demanded that DH set a rent amount and she's now paying it.
The sad thing is, they (DH/SD) act like I'm the one with the problem. Like it's normal for her to still live at home, and I know it most certainly is not. So of course this has caused me to resent her . .on top of all the other crummy stuff she's done. I've forgiven her, but still want her out ASAP! And since I feel that way, it's hard for me to move forward in a relationship with her because I feel like she shouldn't be here.
Please read my response to
Please read my response to "Quick question to those that live or have lived with steps"
Bizbear
I totally agree with your opinions of what a young adult should be doing. Time for tough love...PS, my SD is into the XBOX thing as well. I totally understand how you are feeling.