Dear Good meaning people on here
Dear Good meaning People who are not step parents on here...
Thank you for taking the time and being caring enough to write you comments on my posts.
When I met my husband I tiptoed for a very long time to make sure I was always in the background in my husband's life. I insisted when we bought a house it was just down the road from his 2 adult children (both have their own places) to make sure they didn't feel left out. This meant 2 hours a day commuting to work for me every day but more sadly, it meant a 3 hour public transport commute for my 18 year old to get to college (he was already there). All this so my skids had Daddy on the doorstep and they didn't have any feelings of resentment that Daddy had moved away.
I gave up my Mother's Day with my children and instead, visited his late wife's mother with my husband with flowers as it was always a difficult day for her (though she did have other children). My children never complained even though they were left out.
We didn't have a honeymoon as I didn't want his children to feel we were 'enjoying ourselves' while they were getting used to Daddy moving on. (we also ONLY had the children at the wedding as they didn't want other relatives there watching daddy moving on). I respected it may be difficult for them so adhere to their wish. our wedding photos and reception had 6 people on! My family all missed out being there but never complained as we all continued to tiptoe!!
The first time I sweated nervously cooking a meal for the Princess, she turned to Daddy and said how much she missed her Mums cooking as no-on cooks as good as she did. This started the table chat of how naturally mum cooked, always making her favourite dies with such love. I sat there and smiled politely.
We regularly and fondly talk about his late wife BUT when SD does this, she makes comparisons between me and her Mum. This is not acceptable.
After years of smiling polite at the manipulating games only a SD can think of, to save my marriage in the short term at least, I have disengaged from SD. This is not an easy option. It causes a lot of resentment from my husband, I am permanently to blame for princess having hurt feelings. However, I can no longer sit and listen to the bitchy chat and blatant games princess plays. if I don't speak to or about SD I am cold and heartless. If I do speak, it will result in arguments.
At the present moment, I am not sure my marriage will be able to cope with this disengagement. Dh has now completely disengaged from me, in support of his daughter. So I am preparing for the fact that I may be on my own in the future.
I genuinely hope that you are NEVER subjected to mental abuse from a Step family member. It starts SO subtle you don't see it. It slowly increases, during this time you wonder if it is just you - you doubt your own thoughts, making every excuse for their behaviour You always put them first despite the disrespectful behaviour, believing that love, time and patience will make things better. It doesn't get better because the longer you tolerate it and don't say anything, the abuse is escalated to eventually get you to react.
Sadly for many on here, this tolerance and keeping our mouths shut results in one day saying what we have been feeling for years. never a good idea to do this but everyone has a breaking point.
It's always easier to be a therapist than to live a life which has sleep deprivation, unhappy birthdays and Christmases, day after day of silence, atmospheres, a sick and churning stomach and the fear that al the effort, finances and love you have put into this marriage is going to result in pain, hardship and failure. ..... All because princess wants Daddy not to have a wife.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. I used to be that woman. I would pretend to be whatever my boyfriend wanted me to be so that I wouldn't be alone. It never worked because you can only wear a mask for so long before they notice.
And there are men that are guilty of this too. I can think of more than one woman here who was the victim of a bait and switch.
I doubt the OP was trying to be malicious. But in my case, pretending to be something I wasn't was wrong, deceitful, and desperate.
Troll, I don't often agree
Troll, I don't often agree with you but you are spot on here!
OP, I'm not sure what you expected to happen. People treat you as you allow them to treat you.
You catered to him and his kids, leaving your own family out in the cold. They thought that was the norm and you sat there politely while they did what they wanted.
People can't read your mind!
How on earth did you expect them to know you were upset about any of their behaviour if you never acted upset?!?
Your last three paragraphs
Your last three paragraphs are all so true. And, please ignore the above comment. Step or not, anyone in any marriage goes in with the best of intentions and trying to make it work.
Of course as a woman you are going to try to be accommodating. For whatever reason, it is in our job description, if not our DNA. Again, like any marriage that falls apart at some point, there was probably no deception going on from any one initially. Then, little things start to happen and you start to notice, and then over time things progressively get worse, and then, Bingo!, the recognition is right in front of your eyes. Again, this can happen to anyone in any marriage. In your case, it involved SK and DH. But, DH is the adult here, and yes it perhaps should have been brought to his attention and nipped in the bud or dealt with earlier. But, hindsight is always 20/20.
No one is so fortunate enough to be 100% in touch with themselves and know what they want every time and in every situation before getting involved.
Take care, and best of luck to you!
SA for the win...
SA for the win...
I'm going to give a high-five
I'm going to give a high-five to SA for that comment too. I hate to say this, but after two years of "investigating," I'm starting to agree with SA on the comment: "I think more stepmothers would be far better off if they never engaged to begin with," mainly because our society as a whole puts no value in SMs and minimizes them as much as possible. SMs are continually blamed for interfering with the family, when in reality, they are oftentimes the main one bending over backwards in an effort to keep everyone happy. Anyone in this type of situation (getting attacked for your good efforts vs. being appreciated) over time will get burned out and bitter.
There are other profound truths in SA's post as well. "I think I'll go over to a racquetball forum, and tell those people how they should be playing; despite the fact that I have never played." Also, just in the work place I have found millennials to be a unique breed. I am a baby boomer, so I'm two generations separated from them, but they have very little empathy for anyone other than their own, and pretty much think all adults (anyone over age 30) are idiots, I'm assuming largely because their parents let them act like they ruled the roost, so now they just assume everything is theirs for the taking. God help us all. I wonder what their kids will be like?
Do you think any non step
Do you think any non step parents would wast there time reading there boards ?? This would not have anything to do with there life ? I hope they make it mandatory for all future step parents to be to read it. But we would not believe it, until it was to late
You always put them first
You always put them first despite the disrespectful behaviour
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nope. Not in my world. I would have NEVER forsaken my bio family for step kids.
"It starts SO subtle you
"It starts SO subtle you don't see it. It slowly increases, during this time you wonder if it is just you - you doubt your own thoughts, making every excuse for their behavior."
Yes, this is the case in SO many marriages with steps - it happened to me too. Part of the problem is that society has been programmed to devalue and demonize the role of SM. Another part is the 'honeymoon' period before and just after the wedding with DH when DH and SD are on their best behavior. Surely, if SD had been her true abusive self and DH would have shown his 'Disney Dad' side before we got married I would have run for the hills. I also believe many of us were raised in a family where we had to beg for acceptance and approval. I have to admit I failed to set boundaries when I saw the first sign of abuse from SD and lack of support from DH. But as Ava wrote, it starts so subtle you just don't see it or think it is you.
Recently I found out that the average life expectancy for a woman in the U.S. was 86. I will turn 70 next month. This means I have probably 16 years to live a happy, productive life - free of abuse and strife. This also means that to do this SD will not be part of my life and DH will support me or he will have to leave.
Ava, I am so sorry your DH decided to throw you under the bus to save his image to other people. You tried. Exiting a relationship like this will most certainly be painful at first but no one is worth giving up the last years of your life for - whether it be 16 years or more.
"Yes, this is the case in SO
"Yes, this is the case in SO many marriages with steps - it happened to me too. Part of the problem is that society has been programmed to devalue and demonize the role of SM. Another part is the 'honeymoon' period before and just after the wedding with DH when DH and SD are on their best behavior. Surely, if SD had been her true abusive self and DH would have shown his 'Disney Dad' side before we got married I would have run for the hills. I also believe many of us were raised in a family where we had to beg for acceptance and approval. I have to admit I failed to set boundaries when I saw the first sign of abuse from SD and lack of support from DH. But as Ava wrote, it starts so subtle you just don't see it or think it is you."
Same thing applied to me. OSD was sickingly sweet to me in the beginning, basically buttering her dad up with what a good little girl she was accepting his new girlfriend, after she had hated the previous one. Since I didn't know OSD, I had no way of knowing what her behavior was really like. And since there was no conflict, I had no reason to think that DH would be such a wimp when a conflict did arise. He didn't act wimpy in other situations. But boy was I in for a surprise. I think it's hard to throw up a boundary immediately because we were first in shock with what on earth just happened? Then it became more apparent.
I was warned that my SO's
I was warned that my SO's eldest was a "pos" (his words, not mine), and he was upfront about her, for the most part. I was the one that insisted on including her in everything possible - until I saw how she treated her father and younger sister.
It remains to be seen if we can survive her narcissism and his blind devotion to his spawn.
Yes is most certainly does
Yes is most certainly does start off subtlety, and then grow into a nightmare!
My OSD also, my gut told me she was NOT happy about me in her father's life, but she was also just so overjoyed the EX (who she also despised of course) was gone.
Initially the big act with DH, that she was just so HAPPY the EX was gone and I was here. But then the issues started, oh so subtle and slow. Me always imagining that it was in my head, and me always falling over backwards, couldn't possibly kiss her ass or do more if I tried
I agree with StepAside that maybe it's better not to engage in the first place. A lot to be said for that (my BIL did that with my nephew and hey it seems to have worked - whole other post!) but on the upside, after many many years of trying so so so hard, when you finally do call it quits no one can blame you, and I definitely didn't feel guilty about it at that point - I had no choice, my SD and SIL made it abundantly clear they did not want any sort of relationship with me, so I have chosen to respect their choice
My heart goes out to you, preparing a nice meal for your SD, just for her to sit there and talk about how much she misses her Mom's cooking - it is abusive and sad. Seems a small thing but it really is cruel.
Remember it stems from her insecurity and sadness. Just don't let it get to you....
I'm trying to phrase this as
I'm trying to phrase this as gently as I can; I'm still new here, and I'm not 100% up to date on this particular forum's etiquette, so please bear with me.
Marrying a widow with children creates a much different family dynamic than marrying into a family where the other parent is alive and well. Much as we might want to convince ourselves otherwise, grief will always be present to some extent and there will inevitably be meltdowns even from adult skids (and every once in awhile, the grief monster will come out of nowhere and kick your spouse right in pleasure box, too. That's fun). Navigating a step relationship is tough enough when the parent is alive; when the parent is dead, it's an even more delicate sea-state that can quickly haul you out to sea in treacherous waters without so much as a broken paddle.
The skids are going to compare you to the one they lost. To this day, I know - because gawd only knows I've been reminded of it eleventy twelve hundred times - that Mama's butter potatoes are the best in the world. Mine are good, sure, but they're different. Store that one in the "I'll roll my eyes in private later on" file. I'm not Mama, and I'm sure as hell not going to try to replace her. That isn't my job, nor is it my responsibility. They need to know that, and actions do speak louder than words.
They'll press your buttons too, but I think the motivation comes from a different place; when Mama is alive, many skids are just going to wind you because kids can be dicks. But when Mama isn't alive, the button-pressing is usually a safety mechanism of sorts; they want to know if you're going to stick around through thick and thin before they completely invest in you as a parental figure. They want to know if you're going to bail if things get rough. They want to know if you're going to have pictures of their Mama up in your house or if you're going to hide her away. If they're old enough (mine were), they're also going to be making sure (in their eyes) that you're treating Dad right and you won't leave HIM alone, either.
I suppose what I'm getting at is that absence-by-death is not the same as absence-by-choice. What is is they say? Grief isn't loss of love. Grief is loss IN love.
Am I making any sense at all?
(I might have inadvertently widow-jacked this thread - sorry!)
They are indeed work. It
They are indeed work. It takes a whole lot of patience, a shitload of thick skin and, let's not deny it, usually a hefty shot of liquor at the end of the day.
Hi Putain, yes it is from a
Hi Putain, yes it is from a different place however that means stepmoms are even more patient, kind, sympathetic even when princess is nasty.
It also means dh is always thinking of princess in a sympathetic way rather than realistic way.
Family members including SS have told me she has always been a Disney princess always got her own way by having tantrums even when her mum was alive. She blamed the teachers for not doing well in school, the teachers at college for her poor results, the country for not giving her work, her genes for being morbidly obese, etc etc this was all before mum passed away! Dh tried to overcompensate for the loss in the family resulting in a woman in her thirties unable to accept boundaries and who feels life owes her.
I am sorry to hear you have also been involved in this crazy world of woe is me I am a victim and I LOVE the attention I get from it as it's a get out of jail card for life.
I'm not going to pretend it's
I'm not going to pretend it's been a cake-walk, because it hasn't (by any means!), but overall our family's path through grief has been positive; we all know where the lines are drawn and we all know which lines not to cross. We still mess up from time to time, too.
Grief should never be an excuse for bad behavior, and if that's what my message seemed to suggest then that's my bad. Nevertheless it does force you look at things using a different lens and that, I think, gives us the opportunity to sit back and examine how we've dealt with it as individuals, as a married couple, and as a family.
" I wrote it to ask you to
" I wrote it to ask you to teach your daughters self respect if you have any daughters. Teach them that even though there's no way to know an outcome, it simply isn't wise to give all of who you are over to a man." Yes!!!! This is SOOO important!!! When I was growing up the social norm was for a girl to grow up, marry and turn into June Cleaver. A young woman should begin her adult life with self respect and expectations of mutual respect. It would be absolutely wonderful if this message could be delivered loud and clear.