Dealing with a criminal skid ... and now BM!
OK, so skid (in his late 20's) seems to be in a bit of trouble with the law as well as a related medical problem.
My SO went to a counselor today who gave him good advice on how he can address the situation with his son. I was in sync and supportive of everything the counselor told him, except one point which my SO said I would not like: Counselor said it was important my SO should "work together" with the BM in helping the adult skid through his troubles.
Practically, I can certainly understand that the first priority for parents is helping out their kids when they need it - especially now during a time of crisis. And I understand that there needs to be somewhat of a united family effort in doing so.
When BM called to give SO the bad news about skid, she didn't tell him about legal troubles up-front but first asked my SO all kinds of detailed questions about skid's possible relocation to another country. My SO had to really press her to get her to admit the skid was in trouble. (I personally think she may have been exploring options for skid to flee.) Thus, I don't trust the b!tch as far as I could throw her.
Now my SO says the counselor wants him to "work together" with her! I am troubled by this but tried to hold it in as best I could. Eventually, I later did calmly tell my SO that I had concerns about it - not because I don't want the best result for his son, but because I think BM may cause problems down the road as he tries to "work together" with her.
By way of background: My SO and I have been together more than a decade. During this time, SO and BM have had very little communication. BM, in fact, has a very long history of lying and passively manipulating the skids to be alienated from my SO and his family. It worked well - the skids have very little contact with their father or that side of the family. BM also had completely opposite ideas from my SO regarding parenting, discipline, etc. while the skids were being raised. SO, like most weak-willed placating fathers, refused to address any of this and let BM get away with it for years. (IMO, that may be part of the reason the SS is in his current situation.)
How these two are now supposed to "work together" towards a positive outcome under these circumstances, is beyond me!
I am truly emotionally venting at this point so please take it for what it's worth. I know this is all beyond my control. I do truly want the best possible outcome for the skid.
I also readily admit that some of my feelings are coming from selfish jealousy. Because during a significant life crisis for my SO, I will be relegated to the back burner.
Sigh. The joys of being in a step situation NEVER end. No matter how old the skids get.
Well, that is my thought too!
Well, that is my thought too! I can understand a parent assisting an adult child who needs help, but don't know why a counselor thinks it needs to be a team effort when the parents are long divorced. BM can assist him, and my SO can assist him. Separately. Maybe someone who has more experience in this kind of thing can weigh in if this is the "norm" for these kinds of situations. Or is this counselor living in an idealized dream world where divorced parents magically cooperate when clouds roll in?
Plenty of skids get into
Plenty of skids get into trouble between the ages of 18 & 21, and I can perhaps see bio parents coordinating some help. I mean, they're fledgling adults, their brains haven't finished developing, and there's potential to make mistakes with a far reaching impact.
But an adult nearing thirty? No way.
Right? That's my thought,
Right? That's my thought, too. On top of it all, the skid's troubled activities evidently started while he was still living with BM, and she chose to ignore it and did not even contact my SO about something so important. Just one example of how she marginalized my SO's role as a father. And now he's supposed to "partner" with her to fix the mess?!!
I think the excusing them
I think the excusing them because they are only 18-25 is utter BULLSHIT. I personally knew right from wrong at least by 14. I am of the "do the crime" do the time mindset.
I am older so I saw many men who were war heroes by 18. I also saw many people grow up with no fathers because they lost them during war years.
EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES - are just excuses. There is NO excuse for being a POS criminal.
I do believe in rehabilitation but it has to come from within. It's sort of like addiction - no one can do it but the person who is involved. No external person can MAKE the criminal/addict learn how to walk the right path. No external person (even a parent) can "fix" a broken person.
IMO, the first step in this
IMO, the first step in this process is for the skid to step up and face the consequences for his actions. I agree with you that any movement towards facing the music and subsequent change/rehabilitation needs to come straight from skid himself, not mommy and daddy coaxing him (in stereo) to do so.
But what COUNSELOR would advise such a thing? Especially when they don't know the family history?
IMO, the first step in this
IMO, the first step in this process is for the skid to step up and face the consequences for his actions. I agree with you that any movement towards facing the music and subsequent change/rehabilitation needs to come straight from skid himself, not mommy and daddy coaxing him (in stereo) to do so.
But what COUNSELOR would advise such a thing? Especially when they don't know the family history?
I don't think he did. He
I don't think he did. He still doesn't think that she would have been intending to help skid flee. He thinks she was asking because eventually skid will need to "start over" somewhere once this challenge is over. Can we spell denial?
In any case, I do think he intends to let dust settle a bit. Maybe that will give him time to thoughtfully reconsider this BAD advice to work with BM ...
Thanks to everyone for your
Thanks to everyone for your comments! I am glad to know that my instincts about BM's involvement (as well as his own) have been validated. I know time will tell what the eventual outcome will be, but in the interim I will continue to share my perspective and opinion with SO.
When in the world will "work
When in the world will "work together" with the ex EVER end? My SS is constantly in trouble and I believe always will be. Soon to be ex DH always believed he had to work with BM to rescue said SS. It will NEVER end. That's why I'm out.
Do tell! What's been your
Do tell! What's been your worst horror story?
I have a feeling that this rat-hole the skid dug for himself will keep expanding until it's the size of a sinkhole. And I have no intention of getting sucked into it! My SO will have to figure out for himself how to handle BM.