broken heart
I wrote a year ago and used to write often. But, someone hacked my email, so I was not able to stay current in many groups. It's now been many years and the disrespect continues. Hub not willing to discuss anything with 49 year old daughter. Long story short---I invited adult SD, her hub and children to our vactation house for a week. She came, but treated me coldly. I cooked for them, took them to exciting places, made sure they were comfy, but SD acted like I was not there. I invited her and her family with the hope of establishing a happy relationship as she has been agaisnt me since we met 30 years ago. After the vacation, adult SD wrote a special thank you note to my hub and had each kid write one to him, never mentioning me. I was heartbroken, Hub was afraid to say anything to her and never did. So, I had enough and disengaged. I never attended any graduations, nothing. I just couldn't bear being treated with such disrespect.
Fast forward---TEN years after this vacation, hub decided to text (sorry, but a text doesn't cut it) her about writing the thank you notes and she responded: "she is pathological" bringing this up years later". She was apparently thinking I was still talking to him about this, but I hadn't as I knew he would never say anything to her. I feel very hurt and so very disrespected by my husband; he just doesn't get it. He told me he is "afraid she'll be mad at him and not want anything to do with him", so that is why he never confronted her on anything having to do with being nasty to me.
I understand his fear, BUT, I am his wife and have always come last. I'm older now and I continue to feel the hurt. He continues to attend her gatherings without me. I'm perfectly fine with him attending her gatherings as he needs to be with his adult children. I guess I am tired of always coming last and his allowing SD to believe I am "harping" on the thank you notes---when in fact, I have not brought it up to him. Out of the blue, he texted her and when she responded that I'm pathological, he refused to explain to her that it is HIM who decided to finally talk with her about this. I think a text was cowardly. And, to not let her know HE was bringing this up 10 years later was also cowardly.Am I wrong to still feel heartbroken? I am distant with my husband now. Very distant.The hurt and resentment stings. Being older now and knowing life is so short, I just wish hub would stand by me. He would not acknowledge my hurt feelings. I'm now spending time with my wonderful group of friends as we do so many fun things together. After all these years of being put last, I just don't want to share with him. Please be honest. Am I wrong to feel this way? I appreciate all of you.
IMO, your husband jumped at
IMO, your husband jumped at the opportunity to play innocent and put you in the role of the bad guy. He should not get a pass on this. He deliberately chose you throw you under the bus by saying NOTHING.
It is never too late to disengage. If you plan to stay married to him, plan your own enjoyable activities with your friends and let him wallow in the stench of half-truths and lies and dysfunction with wretchedness of his own making. He should spend time with his rotten kids OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME. Make your own plans. If you can summon up enough grace to attend one of their dysfunctional events, treat them like crappy coworkers: be polite, but distant. Rise above their BS with the gracious lady act. Read up on the Gray Rock method.
These people have never appreciated. Don't let the opinion of low-grade people concern you. They're opinions are crap.
"He told me he is "afraid she
"He told me he is "afraid she'll be mad at him and not want anything to do with him", so that is why he never confronted her on anything having to do with being nasty to me."
Jeez. He's still operating out of fear with a daughter who's pushing 50. Clearly there is deep dysfunction in THEIR relationship. Them. Not you.
"I'm now spending time with my wonderful group of friends as we do so many fun things together."
That is wonderful. It's the best response you can have to the sh!tshow you married into.
"After all these years of being put last, I just don't want to share with him. Please be honest. Am I wrong to feel this way?"
Not even a little wrong.
What a spineless weasel you are married to.
I would nail his wrinkly sack to the floor over this if I were you.
Start making your best life for you. Particularly when he is on his scent tracking of his adult spawn trips. Post fun stuff you are doing. Go to a spa and get the full meal deal package for the duration of his trip. Meet with friends and do fun stuff and plaster it all over social media tagging him in it so he sees that you are very fully and in his face living well. His spawn will know.
Relish in that.
I have zero tolerance or use for a mate that would sabotage their equity life partner over having their own issues with their own toxic kidult failed family spawn.
Character counts. He has none.
DH is also afraid of his
DH is also afraid of his adult kids. That drove most of his behavior and I was expected to smile and go along with whatever they decided. And pay for much of it too.
I reached my breaking point over a particular incident. He had to decide if I was his full-time partner or not, and if not, then we were done.
He started to "disobey" SD by keeping commitments to me and not running after her whenever she told him to jump. She was not happy and did eventually stop contact. So, essentially he did lose her. That was HER choice. But he could have handled it better too. The parent-child dysfunction is deep.
DH still loves her, still contacts her to see if she's ready to talk, but she's rebuffed him now for three years.
I'm sorry for him, but I had to protect myself.