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Blowing off steam about SD

2Tired4Drama's picture

Many Steptalk long-haulers on here know some of my details but as background ...

SD has a significant auto-immune disease which she was diagnosed with as a small child. This resulted in her being placed on a pedestal. She has been completely worshipped, coddled and spoiled her whole life. IMO she is one of the most selfish and self-absorbed people I've had the misfortune to run across.  

Fast forward to now when SD is a married adult.  She is very much part of the Instagram generation where she likes to have the appearance of a perfect life - gets professional photos taken which show the beautiful couple, the beautiful wedding, the beautiful house, etc.  The next thing on the agenda is ... the beautiful child.

SD knows any pregnancy she would have would be high-risk. She already has health complications from her disease which make it even more dangerous.

As soon as she got married they started working on getting pregnant.

SD miscarried, wound up in hospital and had emergency surgery to save her life 

SD became pregnant again within months via IVF. Pregnancy was again considered very high risk for both her and baby

SD had significant complications during this pregnancy and wound up hospitalized for weeks 

Baby had to be delivered more than two months premature due to her life AND baby's life being in danger

Baby spent several months in NICU and was discovered to have a major organ defect

Baby underwent significant, serious surgery a few months later to correct defect and spent several weeks in hospital again

Thankfully, all seem to be doing well now and everyone considers it a great blessing that such dangerous circumstances have been resolved and SD and child seem to be doing OK.  Of course my SO (her father) was on pins and needles throughout all this, deeply worried about his daughter and grandchild. 

Then she talks to her father the other day. 

SD is in the medical profession and can get the Covid vaccine but she said she has no intention of doing so since she told my SO she's trying to get pregnant. (I imagine she's doing another round of IVF again as that's the only way it will happen.)  

Here's the stunner: She then told him she doesn't want to take any "risks" by taking the vaccine as she doesn't know what its long-term effects are. 

Is it just me or is this (supposedly grown) woman out of her mind?  Does she have a death wish?  

Of course my SO is both distressed and angry at his daughter but obviously he can't say anything to her as it's her choice.  He doesn't understand why she is in such a rush and is taking such risks to have another child, especially now. 

I am disengaged but when stuff like this comes up my SO has to vent to me.  I try very hard to avoid saying anything and this time I almost had to sever my tongue because I was biting it so hard.  

If I could, here's what I'd say to him: "Your daughter's desires and wants are paramount. She will do anything to get what she wants and in doing so, she doesn't care if she puts herself at risk nor does she care about her own innocent children and the pain they may suffer.  She also doesn't give a damn about hurting those who love her who have to watch the fall-out or potentially pick up the pieces. This is how you raised her and this is what you get."

I would also tell him that he needs to have a very frank discussion with her about her trust fund. I'm sure all her medical bills are astronomical. Her husband likes expensive toys and likes to gamble. She just purchased a second vacation home which was hundreds of thousands of dollars. That money pot may eventually run dry and when it does it is going to be a disaster. 

 

 

 

Merry's picture

All that drama brought her SO much attention. Still does, so she wants to double down for more. She probably believes on some level that nothing bad actually would happen to her and she is entitled to any number of medical miracles.

I feel sorry for her kid(s). Her DH must have similar narc tendencies?

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD's DH is a hot mess. Never graduated high school, no desire to get his GED and works for the same retailer he started working with as a teen. His mother died due to drugs, his father is also a drug/alcohol abuser as well as being a felon with a long rap sheet. His sister is regularly abused by her husband, including at gunpoint.

Speaking of which, SD's DH loves to collect guns as well as gamble.  He proudly says he has a whole gun cabinet full of them. 

When he met SD he was 30, living with an older relative and sleeping in a spare room. He had a car and that was about it. Since they got together I am sure he feels like he won the lottery. He has no problem spending her money money. Lots and lots of expensive toys (boats, new vehicles, ATVs, etc.) as well as vacations. Probably is supporting/helping his father too since he has regularly been arrested for DUIs, forgery.

He was living with SD within three weeks of meeting her, they were engaged at six months and married within a year of meeting. My SO tried to talk to SD before she got married about seeing a lawyer to protect herself and her significant assets/trust fund.  She blew him off.  The main home is in her name since she closed right before they got engaged, but she just plunked down several hundred thousand for the vacation home and put her DH on the deed.  

Initially I wondered what in the world she saw in him but I now realize it is because she can control him. He is a good-looking guy but his lack of education/career/life experience makes him a dull rock. She often speaks to him or about him in a degrading way, is very demanding and I believe he does most of the work around the house. He's definitely a paid man.

God help her if he ever smartens up, finds his gonads and decides he's had enough.  

 

tog redux's picture

This is the kind of person who will die young from her illness, and everyone will be shocked and say that she always did such a good job taking care of herself ...

JRI's picture

I understand why your DH is upset but she is an adult who makes her own decisions.  You are wise to maintain your disengagement.

2Tired4Drama's picture

She can do what she wants since it's her life. 

But when my SO is so upset and venting, it affects me too. It's hard to sit there and listen to an impending train wreck and not be able to pull him out of the way.  I know it's got to be bad when he actually says he is upset with her - most of the time criticizing her is taboo. 

Like many on ST I can't tell him what I'm really thinking.  That's why it's good we have this little corner of the world to let off steam. 

 

Lynneamay44's picture

I agree 100% with everyone's comments. 
Your SD is getting the attention she craves, even if that means putting her own life in danger. 
Unfortunately due to her need for attention she put her own child at risk. If she wanted to be a parent there were other ways to go about it. 
You have every right to feel the way you do, it sounds like your are the most reasonable one out of everyone. 
 

justmakingthebest's picture

It is her choice but I am really surprised that a doctor agreed to allow her to undergo IVF again. You would think that the doctor would be concerned about a malpractice law suit if she dies. 

I wonder why they just didn't try to adopt? You would think all the attention she could get by adopting would be just a big. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I guess it might be because she is a paying customer. I'm sure there are doctors willing to take her on for cash on the barrell head. They can always put plenty of fine-print disclaimers in the legalese. She didn't bother to get a pre-nup so I'm certain she wouldn't have anyone look at a fertility treatment agreement, either. 

still learning's picture

I was thinking the same thing. What doctor in his right mind would put a woman's life in jeopardy by assisting with a high risk pregnancy??? I know better than to directly comment on other people's family planning matters but as a parent I would ask her to consider her own health/safety and the health of her future child.  My cousin who is of a very slight build, 100 lbs at her average weight, was told by her doctor after 2 difficult pregnancies that she shouldn't have any more kids. Thankfully she listened.  

advice.only2's picture

I had a friend who was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder. She already had two children and was told it was best she probably never had more. Well a year or so after we stopped talking she got knocked up by one of the town baby daddies (he had several children with other women) and was all about the "Please keep us in your prayers, I could die, my baby could die!" I really feel for the kid, because her mom is a mess of nothing but medical visits and can hardly function...but hey she has all those thoughts and prayers to keep her warm at night.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Even if this weren't SD and it was just some random stranger I heard about, I'd still be angry. How can someone KNOWINGLY take such risks when it affects a child???  I just don't get it. 

Although he is physically well right now, the jury may still be out on SD's child. Since he had such a rough start, and the subsequent surgery, it isn't certain if he will have developmental issues or further physical problems in the future. 

Dovina's picture

The entitled self absorbed princess thrives in ANY type of attention. Be damned her health and the baby.

Kudos to you for staying quiet. Your tongue must be raw. You really embraced disengagement quite well!

2Tired4Drama's picture

But it's times like this where I am glad to be able to vent here on ST!  

ndc's picture

Sounds like whoever left SD this trust fund didn't keep it in trust for long enough, or didn't give the trustee enough power to protect SD from herself.  She certainly doesn't sound like she's making good decisions for either her finances, her health or her personal well being.  It's no wonder your SO is concerned.  I wouldn't want to watch and hear about it either, but what can you say?  Vent away!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It's hard to be so closely tied to people who are so self-centered and selfish. Especially when you have to bite your tongue for the sake of your relationship. It would be a lot less painful if you had the ability to speak your mind. I completely understand. Absolutely vent away. 

I feel for her children Thier future. She sounds like a morphed version of someone with munchausen syndrome and borderline personality. 

Catmom024's picture

Ugh.  What a disaster.  These self centered idiots have to keep everyone in a dramatic whirlwind of worrying about them, helping (enabling) them, and stroking their ego.

Ignore it and be thankful it's not your kid/grandkid.  Not your monkeys not your circus.  But unfortunately you have to watch your DH wring his hands with worry.  Oh well...he created the monster.

Floral_SM's picture

It's so sad in NICU, my baby was prem and it was a huge thing to go through and she was doing well. She experienced almost losing her life or her babies life, and that doesn't deter her at all?? I can't believe she's that self absorbed she is going to risk a baby's life or her life again without looking into other options. Surrogacy or adoption? She's very lucky to be alive and have her baby. It's so heart wrenching in NICU, these little bodies fighting for life. Your poor SO, has to endure all that stress again. Ugh I feel for what you are going through.