Better but...
I've posted in the past how my 22 yo SD won't cook because she may cut her fingers slicing vegetables. A week ago we went down thinking we were moving her from one university apartment to another and instead found out we were moving her to our house for 2 weeks until she can get into her new apartment...so in other words, we'lll be renting a U-Haul a second time and repeating the whole process. DH is VERY busy at work and we're building a homsestead with many animals to take care of. Moving her a second time that we didn't expect also involves hiring someone that day to take care of all the animals while we're gone.
That aside...he told her she'll be helping cook and she was very agreeable and cooperative and sliced onions as I taught her and more. I thought we were off to a great start.
Next thing I know...she's once again doing nothing to clean up after meals, leaving her dishes in the sink for me to put in the dishwasher, helping around her but only if asked, asking her dad to pay her living expenses because supposedly it takes 20 hours a week to work on getting into grad school (he told her no).
This weekend friends of mine stayed with us. I believe it's because she feels insecure and wants to be part of things. Regardless....I can hardly get a word in edgewise with MY friend and suddenly at dinner I hear my 50+ friend sayng sure she'll go out tomorrow with my 22 YO SD. And SD is talking so loudly with my friend's son that I can hardly hear myself think to make conversation on my own. And every time I ask my friend or her son a question about their interests and their doings, SD jumps in and answers and somehow makes it all about herself and I never hear their answer.
I GET that SD is trying to be part of things and not a third wheel. I get that things have changed since I was her age--a time when at 20, 22, I would NEVER have been welcomed in my mother's social circle let alone have been allowed to just barge in and take over conversation and make plans to go out with HER friends without her....
How do I deal with this? Is SD in the wrong? How do I deal with this?
Weird. When I was 22 the last
Weird. When I was 22 the last thing I would have wanted to do was make dates and hang out with mum's friends! WTH.
Did you ask your friend in private what the hell is going on? I would have.
There was nothing going on
There was nothing going on per se. SD suggested it and my friend made an off-hand response in the moment. My friend saw the shock on my face and immediately said, "I don't need to go."
I think SD picked up on it because she spent the next day up in her bedroom; never came down until dinner, while my friend and DH and I spent hours working around the property.
Bratty McBratFace
Invited herself to my friends' mother's house in Mexico when she wanted to vacation there with a friend.
She had met my friend exactly twice, and had never met her mother.
Kids these days lack boundaries and think it's fine to do this. Very wierd and no it isn't fine.
Sounds like one parent was
Sounds like one parent was too lazy, and another parent too fearful to teach SD how to act right. Now she looks like a social idiot.
I had my boyfriend's kids, sister, brother in law and his mother to my house for a cookout years ago when I still did that sort of thing. His 15 y.o. daughter sat right in front of his mother, her chair facing her, literally two feet in front of her so she had to focus on her the entire time. Everyone else including the other kids, were in a normal. large circle. It was bizarre. The guilty DADDDDY was of course too afraid to say anything. His daughter looked like a maladjusted idiot.
Her mother died when she was
Her mother died when she was 13. There has been upheaval in her and her dad's lives for what that's worth in this regard--but just saying one parent wasn't there and a lot of distraction for the one left.
She has been 'in therapy' for 8 years, the therapist can't legally tell him anything about what is being accomplished, SD tells him 'yes, it's helping,' but he's starting pushing her on the fact that it's been 8 years, he's paying monthly with absolutely no idea what this money is doing to help her, and at 22, she needs to start taking on some of these bills herself if she wants to continue.
How old is your friend's son?
Is he close to SD's age or is he just a kid? You've described your SD as very socially awkward so if she felt some sort of connection and was comfortable around these people, she probably overstepped without realizing it. Not saying it isn't annoying but there is a difference between inserting oneself to purposely cause conflict, and unintentionally overstepping because you don't fully grasp social cues.
I understand losing a mother at such a young age is a huge trauma that she will never fully get over. But. She is into adulthood now and after so many years of therapy she should have enough skills to cope with her grief now. I am wondering if the therapist may be part of the problem. If your DH is still covering all the bills for SD's therapy, what incentive is there for therapist to cut-back or curtail treatment?
I would suggest that your DH tell SD that since she is in grad school, it's time to adult-up. That means no more open-ended therapy sessions BUT he will pay for a certified life coach who will put her on the path to SUCCESSFUL adulthood and her eventual career. No more hand-holding, hand-wringing or coddling.
Your SD will always be (subliminally) carrying the loss of her mother, like millions of other people have had to do. The key is that she must learn to do so without stagnating the rest of her life and future.
Yes, she had a bad experience with the other SM but that's over. The woman is gone. Time to move on and realize that YOU are not that woman, this is a different situation, and she needs to adapt to it.
Yes, the boy is really close
Yes, the boy is really close to her age and they had some interests in common. I do agree she oversteps without realizing it (rather than deliberately being obnoxious) and I don't know a 'polite' way to point this out to her.
DH has been pushing her on how therapy is helping, if it's helping, what the end point is, and has told her she needs to take over her full apartment rent and her own therapy bills. She has been telling me how she'll go through her savings if she continues with her current hours/spending, in 'only' 9 years and saying she 'can't' work 40 hours a week because she also has to do laundry and grocery shopping, etc. I reminded her every adult works 40 hours a week at a job (or more) and then takes care of everything around the house.
I don't know if she thought I'd sympathize with her but I was fully independent at 18 and raising 2 children at her age so I guess it didn't go as she hoped.
I think she IS realizing she's going to have to take over some bills and start deciding what she really wants and needs.
The Rabbit Food
I'm keeping this with the 'rest of the story.' I'm really beginning to wonder if she's deliberately or subconsciously trying to convince us it's easier not to expect help. We all went on a very long hike yesterday and DH ended up hiking 3 miles out with an injury.
I had to help him when we got home and the animals had to be fed and watered immediately. DH needed me to help him (as he had to shower) so told her she would have to take care of the animals.
Last night after helping DH I went out to see how things were as it was dark. She 'couldn't' figure out how to toss chicken food in over a fence. (...a college graduate.) Even with my instructions. I did it myself.
This morning, I found all the rabbit food under the cages (they hang 2 feet above the floor), the entire length of the long row of cages, probably at least 8 cups of it, completely wasted and way more than could have fit in their three bowls anyway. Since the rabbits have never knocked more than a few pellets through their cages I find it impossible to believe they did this. I'm also wondering if they got any food last night. And the thought of her throwing that much food across 3 feet of floor is kind of disturbing.
I mentioned it to DH this morning, didn't blame her, just said this is very weird, how did so much food end up under there? He sort of said, "hmm, odd" and went about his busines. I don't want to outright accuse her but I also don't see any other way that food could have gotten under there.
As someone who lives on a
As someone who lives on a farm with animals, as an animal lover and as a responsible adult who cared for animals as a child...this enrages me. I would be seriously pissed off.
My SO's kids had rabbits and they literally forgot all about them. He continued feeding them and after a couple of weeks asked them one day, "so, how are your rabbits doing?". Their jaws dropped because they realized they hadn't fed or watered them in weeks and could possibly be dead.
That's awful.
That's awful.
I've talked with a friend and as much as SD annoys me, I don't think she'd deliberately be cruel to animals. Given that she panics over every little thing herself and exaggerates every miniscule 'injury,' literally 'cuts' on her finger from weeding that are completely invisible, my best guess is that one of them jumped a little and she panicked, jumped herself, scared them, and resorted to just throwing a huge amount of food in their cages and running.
Although I'm still struggling to even make that work in my mind. I truly do not believe she'd be deliberately cruel to animals. But I'm also struggling to understand how that much food ended up on the floor under their cages. I've been watching in the days since. Yeah, they knock some out of their bowls...but I can't even comprehend how THAT much ended up on the floor under their cages. It was ten times more than you'd even put in their bowls.
The upshot: SD is heading
The upshot: SD is heading back to her new apartment tomorrow after 2.5 weeks with us. She has spent most of that time doing her own thing while we work 12+ hours/day, showing up only for the dinner we make her and doing chores IF her dad asks, and then managing to break dishes or spill tons of rabbit food and scaring the animals and telling me about every tiny little 'injury' she gets in the process of helping.
We were supposed to help her move into her new apartment early tomorrow. I told them at dinner I didn't have time to find someone to take care of the animals *because I was too busy working today* (which I was) and that I simply have too much to do tomorrow to spend 6 or 8 hours helping with this move. (I specified things she could have helped with and let her make that connection although I'm sure she didn't.)
It brought up a discussion about her friends who 'couldn't' help move her in because they'd worked so hard for the last two days (DH said, yeah, I've worked hard for the last 7) and weren't sure they could be up that early (we're talking 10:30 or 11 am we'll get to her new apartment) and I said, tell them to set an alarm just like DH and I will have to do to be up 3 hours earlier than that.
She said, Be fair, my friends are doing me a favor and I said, So am I and DH backed me up, saying Me too.
Upshot is, a couple/few of her friends will help her and DH move her stuff into the new apartment. Since he got one-way rental on the truck I still have to drive a couple hours to pick him up and drive him home, maybe have dinner with her/him/some of my kids.
But I think I've made my point, I think DH totally gets it, and I think our conversation at dinner tonight will percolate in SD's head.
I do believe that DH knows she has some growing up to do, there are a couple of my own kids who have their own issues and growing up to do, and I have great hope that he GETS exactly why I'm not helping her move tomorrow and that bit by bit we'll both help each other's kids grow in the way they need to.
Next thing I know...she's
It's unfortunate some of these adult kids grow up to be so darn pathetic and lazy. You are her SM, not her maid. Your DH is her father, not her man. Smh
I really think she's still
I really think she's still trying to retreat to/stay in childhood when her mother was alive. On the bright side, DH is asking her to help out, he's starting to tell her to do the cleaning up after dinner (when she was here; she's back at her apartment now) and he did tell her she's out of college and she now has to pay for her apartment and her therapist herself.
He is definitely pushing her to stand on her own two feet.