Adult Stepkids and Christmas "Joy"
I am new to this forum and just want to try it out before I tear my hair out!!!
I have 3 SS and 2 SDs. Their father and I have been married for nearly 8 years and are incredibly happy until we get to Christmas each year. The oldest SS is 45 and the youngest is 25.
Each year I try and make Christmas good for all of us. Neither my husband or I have wonderful experiences of Happy Christmases past and I want to do the best for all of us. I also have 3 children.
My own children live a long way away so we don't see much of them at Christmas. My husband's children all live locally so they are around us for Christmas.
It ought to be easy. 3 of them are married, the fourth is engaged and getting married next year and the fifth is single. None of them will join us for Christmas dinner. They all have excuses (some more valid than others). I can understand that when you are married you have more than one set of parents to please, but they NEVER want to come to our house. Some of them come round before Christmas to drop off presents for us and of course, to collect theirs.
I have tried various ways to tackle things but nothing seems to work. Some years we've had them ringing up and telling us that they are coming to tea/dinner/whatever they fancy at different times over the holiday. This is exhausting!! We then tried having one family party but that simply doesn't work. They don't get on well with each other and we end up with fights and arguments.
This year we thought we had it sussed. SD 2 asked if she could come to tea Christmas Day with Fiance. We agreed. Had a good evening. No problems. My BD came to lunch on Boxing Day and my son was staying with us for a week. All pleasant.
We had then arranged a party for Dec 27th. In order to minimise friction we also invited extended family and a few friends. I had hoped that they would be on their best behaviour with other people there.
SS 2 has a history of coming to everything that we arrange at least an hour early. The week before Christmas I sat beside my husband while he spoke to SS on phone. SS asked if they could come round half an hour before party was due to start so they could give us presents. I sat there saying "NO,NO, NO". Bearing in mind that he always comes an hour before this was asking for trouble. I also know that he does this to get one up on the rest of his siblings. "I'm here first because I'm more important than you!!!" I wasn't happy that hubby had said yes but hoped that he would just come half an hour early.
The afternoon of the party arrived. Party due to start at 4 and I am busy getting things ready. At 2.15 SS, plus wife, plus 4 year old son, plus SD all arrive together. I was furious and lost it with my husband. We have a brilliant relationship and never argue but I was absolutely livid at this total lack of respect.
I flew upstairs because I didn't trust myself to talk to them politely at that point. They came in, Hubby welcomed them and I stayed upstairs. 15 minutes later hubby came up to find me with his Christmas present. THey had all sat downstairs and opened their presents. Hubby could not understand why I was so upset!!! I finally pulled myself together and went back down. Grandson was playing with his present (that I had bought) and SD and SS had all opened their presents. SD and SS's wife then proceeded to eat their way through a large tin of chocolates that one of them had been given without offering to anyone else. They sat there for another hour and a half. By the time the party was due to start and other people were arriving Grandson was bored and wanted to go home.
I then had to go into the kitchen to prepare the rest of the food while they all sat and watched TV.
That night hubby and I had our biggest argument ever. I cannot believe that he lets them get away with this. It's not the first thing that has happened like this. It was also compounded by the fact that oldest SS had brought a Christmas present round to us so that we could deliver it to my husband's ex-wife. When I suggest to hubby that this wasn't really for us to do he got very defensive and said that it wasn't a big deal.
I am already worrying about next Christmas. Hubby doesn't ever say how he really feels. He hates Christmas, mainly because he is unhappy that his children won't come round on Christmas Day. He won't tell them, but gets really picky with me. He complains at everything I do to prepare for Christmas.
Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do to make things work?
Just off-loading this has helped but I 'd really like some answers.
I found this forum this week
I found this forum this week as well. It sounds like you had an xmas like I had. The DH just doesn't seem to care how or what you feel. Your feelings don't matter too much. It's always "not a big deal". Even tho it is to you.
This year was the first year that his kids came for xmas. For the last 10 years, they haven't given one hoot to see their dad. But since they ALL are not speaking to their mother (which should tell you something about them), they decided to make the time to come to our house out of town. I firmly believe that they expected to be treated like royalty because we were being blessed with their presence. AND, they simply did not want to share their dad now that they made time. My son and I took the direct hits of the SKIDS mouths.
Of course, a HUGE argument started between DH and I over the kids. We did come to realize that our kids can't get along and, maybe, just maybe, they were trying to break us up. Even tho DH sides with his kids on their behavior. So, our answer is to not have xmas at our house anymore. I feel really bad for my sons since they only have me. Their dad passed away when they were 16. One is married now and will have his wife's family but the other one is single. He will be the one that gets left out when he isn't the one that's acting up. I wonder if it's because he doesn't have any other parent but me? Therefore, he accepts the marriage better than DH kids? Anyway...
I would tell you that you need to make your xmas' happy. If that means you plan a holiday cruise or head to Hawaii or a cabin in the woods. Meet with the kids independently prior to get the gift thing over. Just Do it. You, like me, only fight with DH over kids. They are all adults and need to act like adults in order to be treated like adults. You have you and your husband now. I would just bet that none of the kids would be there when you need assistance after a surgery or something. His kids have proven that with me. They aren't there and don't call to check on him. Don't even come up and see him. We only live 100 miles apart. DH realizes that but still sticks his head in the sand.
LOL...oh that's good! I
LOL...oh that's good! I hadn't thought of that one!
Its good to know that I'm not
Its good to know that I'm not the only one. I had seriously wondered if I was over reacting. It all sounds really petty - "They were early for my party!!!" But it isn't the party, it's their attitude to everything. If anyone else turned up early they would do it accidentally and then apologise. The Skids just turn up cos it's their right and expect us to fit in. My DH really couldn't see it at all. He used to just 'drop in' and see his parents and can't understand why I have to invite them at a particular time. What he doesn't recognise is that they have an entirely different relationship with him from the one he had with his parents. The Skids don't just drop in unless they want something. We see the SD once in a blue moon. I've always said they are welcome at our house any time they want but because they won't come at Christmas we have to issue an invitation. I therefore expect them to respect that invitation. I wouldn't accept that sort of behaviour from my kids and my Dh won't either. He is fairly hard on them but won't do it with his own children.
We are seriously talking about going away next year but to be honest, I'm not really sure that's what we want to do. We'd be quite happy to spend Christmas at home on our own. We go on holiday a lot and Christmas is a time when we'd like to be just us and anyone who can be pleasant around us. I don't feel inclined to be forced out of my own home (it has never been their home so they don't even have that excuse) just because his kids can't be reasonable.
I don't think your answer would work for me A.Deville as I had a serious problem with my ex lying about everything and my DH and I pride ourselves on our honesty. I'd hate to lie to him about anything.
I am now delighted that Christmas is over for another year. My son has just headed off home and its back to the "two of us" again. Joy!!!!! He is a pain and my DH struggles with him a bit, but he is an angel compared to the others.
You have a point about being
You have a point about being forced out of your own home. I really hadn't thought of it that way but it is an accurate assessment. I probably tend to flee to avoid having to say NO to any of the kids. I think both DH and I are that way. I have a year to ponder that one.
I don't condone lying either. Although I am going to squirrel money away into my own savings account for that rainy day that I need money for myself. If I don't do that, then there will be nothing left. It will be spent mostly on the oldest SS and his kids. Not even the other grandkids. They get left out as much as I do! It's all about the oldest SS and his kids for whatever reason.
This forum is great for me. I really thought it was just me dealing with this behavior and that I had done something wrong! I realize that I didn't do anything wrong. It's the relationship that has been fostered between the DH and his kids over the course of time that I wasn't around.
My DH is good about money and
My DH is good about money and his children. We decided early on in our marriage that although we are reasonably well off we are not going to bankroll any of our children. We told them that we would not lend any of them any money for anything and that we were going to spend only small amounts on them for Christmas and birthdays. We have 8 children between us, 13 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren. We have both stuck to that in the face of opposition from several of them. My oldest son is not speaking to me at all because we wouldn't bail him out to the tune of £5000 when he had problems with his marriage. Because of that I don't have any fears for my financial security.
My husband is wonderful and I wouldn't change him for the world - except at Christmas!!!
We will look at going away next year but I do think that it will only put the problem off for a year - unless we are prepared to go away every year.
Oh well, 361 days until next Christmas!!!!!
I am also considering going
I am also considering going away next year for the holiday, my husband may not go with me but I am really thinking that is the only way I can preserve my sanity through the holidays. We dated but did not live together for 7 years prior to marrying. I always left Christmas morning or however my husband had to work it with his children alone.
Now we have been married for two years this year being our second Christmas, last year I planned a Christmas dinner at the end of everyone else's activities which worked out well and it was decided then that we would continue it that way because it worked best for everyone. Along comes this year and for some reason neither of his children could make but instead wanted to stop by and pick up thier gifts or have them delivered to thier house, dropped off not to watch them open them. I refused, they either showed up to receive thier gifts or they would sit there until they could find time. We all live in the same SMALL town. I have always went out of my way to find very special gifts for each of our children, something they wanted special for birthday's, graduation's,Christmas ect. I have never gotten a thank-you, a gift of any kind ever but it is just expected that I throw big birthday dinners and the such.
After Christmas this year, I decided that I just can't do this anymore. I spend so much money on trying to find something that would please them in some little way with no avail. My kids buy his kids very nice gifts but never get a thanks or a gift in return. They all have jobs and are able get a little something for everyone.....not ever going to happen. I do and do and do and try and try and try but get no where. They think it is funny to embarrass me in front of other family when we all get together, very condenscending toward me, I ignore it.....they think it is funny to throw away the pictures of my husband and I at his parents home. They talk horribly about me and my family around the community thinking I don't know but i ignore it. I am at the point where I just don't care anymore and i know in reallity my heart hasn't always been in it and it isn't now but I did what I thought I needed to do because i love my husband. He always make excuses for them or says nothing when I tell him how hurt I am. SO, I am taking it in my own hands now, I have no choice because I am tired of feeling "beat up" all the time.
My stepdaughter's birthday is coming up and like I said I have always thrown big elaborate dinners for them because it was expected. I am thinking I should have my husband just make an appointment with his daughter and take her to dinner by himself for her birthday. He can get her whatever gift he wants to and leave me out of it all together. She only comes to our home on Christmas and her birthday to be gifted. We only see her at his parents house for gatherings in between or she calls her dad to come there to see her, if she is wanting money or needs something.
Tell me what you think.....any ideas?
here's what i'm doing the
here's what i'm doing the first year all my kiddos are out of the house.........holiday's....we're going out of town doing things OUR way
i have spent the two
i have spent the two christmas's prior to this past year being a doormat of the first order. This year, I said no. My two SDs were not allowed to come over until Christmas morning, after 10am. I would not allow them in my home on Christmas Eve. This is my favorite night of the entire year, and the previous two years, they ruined the evening for everyone. I am no longer bending over backwards to accommodate their schedules, and I am no long buying gifts for them. My eleven year old BD has gotten both of them gifts in previous years, and they have not even had the common decency to buy her a small token gift. How do you even do that to an 11 year old little girl? But when it comes to them, there they are, hand out, expecting to be rewarded for their mere existence. I think what really did me in was my fiance's birthday in October. His 24 year old SD called last minute, invited herself out to dinner with us for his birthday, never even brought him a card, we had to listen to her screaming child throughout dinner, and at the end, I paid and not only did she not acknowledge the fact I bought her fat ass dinner, she did not even say THANK YOU. His 21 year old daughter didn't even call him on his birthday. Dispicable. He may be able to excuse their behavior, but I cannot.
So this Christmas, I put up with them for a grand total of 90 minutes. They collected their gifts, stuffed their faces, and left. My fiance made the entire breakfast. I refused to do anything for them. They were gone before noon, and the rest of Christmas day was ours, and it was wonderful.
Next year will be the same, that is if we don't take my BD and go on a nice trip to someplace sunny! Screw his kids, they are regrettable at best.