You need to get this marriage annuled if possible and the sooner the better. Both parents have dumped their responsibility off on you and 5,10 or 15 years down the road you will have the same complaint about the same people.

That sucks and it's DH most certainly HAS dumped it all on you. I'm with everyone else, send the kid to is grandparents since they are so willing to just hand him out keys to houses.

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

OMG !! What a terrible situation !!! I would be all over DH a**e to get him out !!! What was he thinking ???
DH needs some tough love, I would be putting him on a no sex diet until this was sorted while dropping heavy hints after some canoodling, like you feel uncomfortable and don't feel sexy with SS in the house, etc.

Then the second part is for some tough old rules.....SS must have a time limit to when he is leaving, lots of chores, etc, and start controlling all of the things he takes for granted.....internet access all night, nuh-huh, will he sit up all night like my SD21 and then play the tired card at midday!!?? If he's using your p.c etc, lock it up tight, does he buy his own food ?? I guess not.....

You need to act hard and fast or he'll be with you for MONTHS!!! I know from experience......good luck !!!

Hi! I agree with NancyL....I would have it annuled immediately. I mean he just moved him in?? No discussion-end of story?? Oh Hell no }:)

OMG is your step son blonde and named Mark? I swear you have my youngest SS. LOL

Same thing happened to us but 18 yr old moved in with his breaking and entering bad stuff so we had police visiting often. It drove me mad and even worse he was sleeping on a mattress in the only living room we had in a small town house. In the end we bought a rental and husband and son moved in. My kids did a dance when they left..... I felt so relieved. When husband lost the will to live with on going issues he moved him out to a flat and we moved back in together. Your husband needs to take responsibility. You need to get a job where you travel so you can't look after him. Take care good luck.

It never fails to amaze me how the KID can do no wrong, as they lay on their ass, eat up all your food, dirty stuff, and don't exchange anything with you like money, help, or even a real relationship! The BP would let them keep that up forever. Someone has to put their foot down and be the voice of reason. All you can to is stand up for yourself because no one else will, and fight till it changes.

Then there comes a point where you can't fight the fact that the kid will always come first. hopefully order will arise before that reality is staring you in the face and driving you insane. Used and abused people typically either become real good doormats, or really pissed off people.

So, if your DH is not willing to step up, and stand up for you, if it were me, I'd get my ducks in a row to leave because you can't change them or the situation. And I wish you the best - hoping that cool heads, and love, prevail.

Give the kid 30 days to LEAVE, then change the locks and do NOT give gramps a key. Hearing all this makes me sooooo glad I refused to move my 19 yr old stepson in-even though he is homeless now. I figure he brought it on himself. When dad mentioned going to a shelter he goes "I'd rather jump off a bridge than go to a shelter." When dh mentioned that to me I said "he's just being manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty". Now that I think about it, it's sad how he wants all the perks of his own place but none of the responsibities that go with it. He does security work, but I think only cuz either A)his food stamps aren't enough to cover what he eats, though he said if he hasn't eaten much for 2 days he'll eat people out of house and home or B)he knows that biomom or dad aren't gonna hand over money like its candy, so its either work or have zero money.

irritatedgal my 23 year old SS is doing the same thing. He lives in a tent but refuses to get his own place out of choice. He works f/t and has the option of weekend work if he wants it as well. He made over $3000 during the month of July yet has nothing to show for it because the majority of it goes towards drugs. He comes over to our house regularly to shower, wash his clothes, make phone calls, surf internet etc. I don't like the fact that he's being allowed to do this but his dad keeps letting him - typically when I'm at work. It bothers me because not only is he wanting and getting all the comforts of home when he needs them but it's costing us money and he doesn't offer a single penny. He'll buy his dad a case of beer as repayment but I get nothing out of this except my share of the water/electric bill which is considerably higher with his presence. I've voiced my disapproval several times, but nothing changes and all it ever leads to is arguments.

I'm still thinking the same thing - let the kid move in with is grandparents and whatever he chooses to do after that is HIS choice.

It's unfair that he was dumped on you. Get his SS started, find out what his passion is and get him enrolled in school. If he's slightly disabled, he should qualify for some type of subsidized housing, search for suitable places and put his name on the waiting list. In the meantime, give him chores and don't make things so cushy for him that he'll never want to leave.

Your DH needs to step up because this is his adult child. He's putting the burden of his care on you it's causing you to resent them both. Have a long talk with DH and voice your frustration. Then have a family meeting w/SS, get a strategy for his future, set expectations for him and execute the plan. SS needs to know that he's not going to live there open ended. The free ride is over. Good luck.

My brother refuses to get a job, too. He's 21, not in school. Can't handle school, honestly. Fails everything. If I didn't love the kid so much, I'd kick him out, but he wasn't getting anything done with Dad because Dad was perfectly content to just keep feeding him for free until someone croaked! I took him in and I kick his butt out of bed every morning to take care of the dog. If I'm going to feed him, he's going to do stuff around the house.

Took a couple weeks, but I've gotten him into the habit of feeding the puppy breakfast and lunch. He takes the garbage out, and he mows the yard, and he runs errands. He's up to once-a-week showering, which is an improvement for him. I'm hoping I can get him transitioned to actually working soon. Slow process, but progress is progress.

Part of the thing is creating boundaries and enforcing the consequences of not doing stuff to help out. You married his father -- it's your house now! Make him do stuff. If he doesn't, think about what he likes the most and make it... unavailable. Hint for internet addiction: passwords on routers are awesome and easy to set up using the admin control panel. Also, you don't have to buy his favorite snacks. My brother works very well with 'to-do lists' because his memory is poor and he's very ADHD, but I don't know how your step-son would do. If he whines, don't give in. My mother always caved with my brother when he was a kid, and that's part of the reason he never learned to do jack.

Your house is his roof by necessity. Doesn't mean you have to make it a pleasant freebie. Good luck finding a way to get your husband on your side, though. D: Maybe float it as a compromise, to keep your stepson around but make him earn his keep?

Furbabie,

Marriage comes first. I don't care if you just dated for that whole time, or lived together - once you sign that piece of paper the game changes and there are adjustments to make.

I just got married 6 months ago and we dated for 5 years. Because he wanted to be on a certain financial footing, and for the kids to be away at school. There are a whole WORLD of things to get used to that are different now. You throw an adult kid in living with you on top of that...we are having our challenges, and that's why I ended up on this site. 20 year old SS is with us on summer break and it was driving me nucking futs watching him lay around, eat up all my groceries, mess up my kitchen, wreck the back bathroom, and until paid, not life a finger to do a damn thing. Did not want to have a job for the summer so said he was unable to find one. It's hard to find something you don't want. But that is not my problem.

Back to marriage. I will keep repeating this as I'm just learning it and is so true - man suffering from guilty dad complex cannot hear his wife or back her up. The kid needs to be a contributor or he needs to get out. I am sure the dad will not see it that way. But then you have a choice in how you want to be thought of and how you want your life to be. All this coddling of adult kids, skids, whatever is just a bunch of bullshit. Yes they may need coaching and help to get on their own but no one can do it for them. They MUST step up, and they must have consequences for NOT stepping up. Either you pay more than your fair share and suffer, or you deal with a bit of tough times and require equity in your household. Kids throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. Adults make plans to take care of themselves and leave. Whether that is skid getting it together and becoming a contributor in life, or you packing up to leave and go make a sane go of it under your own steam is your choice.

Well said TheStepwife! Yes indeed, the marriage does come first. The minute I started making things difficult for SD (27) she started looking for a new place to live. She was the same as your SS . . didn't do any chores and always left the bathroom/kitchen a mess. DH coddled her and never demanded anything from her so I demanded more from him.

I made him more than double her rent, set her straight everytime she screwed up such as forgetting to turn on the security alarm, not washing her own dishes in a timely fashion, and picking up after herself. It took a while, but soon SD grew weary, started looking for a place and recently moved out. SD's coddled "daddy's little girl" and he does everything for me. . days are over! Sometimes you have to force them to grow up!

DH and I have been having this discussion as SS may move down to be with us for a while. He's 18. We're on the same page that it will be time limited, there will be rules (no girls over no parties) and he needs to save to get out on his own. It can't be too comfy, like their own place or why would they leave? A hand up and a hand out are two different things!