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Do I have the right to refuse 17SD moving in with us full time?

Two Skids Too Many's picture

Legally, is there anything I can do to keep her from moving in? Her dad wants her to, but I don't. She's disrespectful to me and my daughter and creates constant drama in our home. Her mother is moving an hour away so she is planning to stay with us all week to go to school. I want her to go with her mother. I can't stand the thought of having to deal with her all the time. 

tog redux's picture

Legally? No.  But you can tell your DH that it's unacceptable to you, and if the two of you can't work that out, then you can end your relationship.

beebeel's picture

If you had to use legal channels to prevent her from moving in, I can't imagine the relationship would survive anyhow. You can always take your daughter and move.

Siemprematahari's picture

Does your H know how strongly you feel about SD17 possibly moving in? If he doesn't, than you need to speak up now and let him know your feelings. If she's disrespectful to you now I can only imagine her living with you full time. It doesn't seem like its an ideal situation and you need to let him know this. Are their any other arrangements that can be made until she finishes school? Like after she finishes the school year she goes and lives with her mother? Your H also placing boundaring and expectations of what she is to do "if" she lives there.

marblefawn's picture

Assuming your husband knows how you feel, I'd take this approach: make him see not only how uncomfortable this will be for you, but also FOR HIM and precious SD.

I flat out asked my husband, "Why should I want to be around someone who treats me as SD has?" There's no arguing with sanity. You'd have to be crazy to want that treatment 24/7.

If how you feel doesn't matter, make it about how he and SD will feel. Paint a picture of a household in 24/7 conflict, which he will also have to endure, not to mention poor SD.

There's too much water under the bridge to expect anything but conflict. If he can't see that, you're sunk.

Letti.R's picture

Whose house is it?
If it is yours, you could ask DH to live elsewhere with his kid.

If it is his - you have no right.
You could move out if you feel strongly about it.

If it is joint - it is going to be a problem as both of you have the right to have someone - especially a minor child - become resident.

If I were you I would work on establishing ground rules for SD before she moves in.
You and DH need to do this together so that she does not disrupt the household.

However, refusing to let his minor child move in?
Not a good ending.

Thumper's picture

Your dh has no legal authority to force you to agree to anything you do not want.

Learn to stop playing denfense. 

I hope this makes sense.

 

elkclan's picture

Sure there's a legal remedy if you want to go that route. It's called divorce. And then she cannot move into your home. 

Two Skids Too Many's picture

It's looking like It will end in Divorce is he forces me to allow her to move in. We both own the home and at this point, I've considered moving random strangers in to make him see how it feels to have to pay the bills for someone who's using you and disrespectful! I don't mind his son moving in. He's never caused a problem and is respectful and helpful. But the daughter is hell on wheels! 

 

elkclan's picture

If she's in her senior year of high school then maybe you can suck it up til May? Just make sure it's clear she moves out when school is over. Unless of course she miraculously turns into a helpful angel. 

marblefawn's picture

I couldn't live with my husband if he did something this major without my blessing, even if it, by some miracle, ends up only being a year.

If I had a marriage where something this major was done when I don't agree, what the hell good is that marriage?

This was one of several things I made clear before we married -- SD never lives with us, period. "If you think you can't do that, I'll find a husband elsewhere." This was probably the biggest issue I negotiated because I would have walked then without an agreement. I just wasn't THAT into him.

secret's picture

Tell him to humor you by letting you treat him like she has treated you for a week or two....see how he feels after that

Two Skids Too Many's picture

I wish the end would come in May, but given her history, she won't be going anywhere for years. I think my only recourse is to refuse to help support the home financially if she moves in. If I can't feel comfortable in my own home then I don't feel obligated to pay for anything. 

 

marblefawn's picture

I think you're still playing defense: If he does this (move her in), then I'll do that (stop paying mortgage).

Even if you stop chipping in for the mortgage, she may still move in, so you're no better off. The money isn't the focus. Your goal is to keep her out.

To play offense, I think you have to make it clear that your answer is no, so it wont' be happening: "I've been thinking about SD moving in and it just won't work for us. I'm sorry, but I know we'll be able to find another equitable arrangement that works." Then see what he does. She likely won't move in without at least a few days' notice, which gives you time to take your approach up a notch if this doesn't work.

The next notch up plays on how you've historically made big decisions.

Have you had a marriage where one person goes rogue making major decisions without asking the other? Or is there a history of discussing and agreeing on major decisions, such as borrowing money for extravagant purchases?

If there's no history of coordination and agreement, you might not be able to prevent this.

But if your history is that neither of you goes against the other without discussion and agreement, you may have history on your side.

If you see he won't back down when you tell him it won't work, use that history: "We've always made major decisions after discussing them and neither of us has ever acted in a vacuum. Why should this decision be different? What do you think I should do if you make this decision without my considering how I feel about it?"

Just put it on him and let him realize your reaction will be big.

Don't mention divorce no matter how angry you are. I know from making this mistake that it just ramps things up too fast and doesn't leave time for more negotiations. In fact, it sort of shuts down all talks.

So, start with the (offensive) assumption he won't do this without your agreement. If he indicates he will still do it, move up to the reminder that this is unprecedented in your marriage and try to play on his sense of fairness.

And I don't agree that if it's "his" house, he gets to make the call. When you marry, it's "our" house, so both have equal say about who lives in it. If one doesn't agree, the change doesn't happen.

STaround's picture

So what if OP's DH says her kids must move out?  do they live there?

How does this work out if SD needs to finish school.?  Does she even have a car? Drive an hour both ways  Get a room in a boarding house?

 

marblefawn's picture

OP doesn't mention other kids, so I don't know if she has kids in the household.

SD can move with her mom. It was mom who decided to move during SD's senior year, so let her figure out where to put SD.

I wonder if BM decided to move after OP's husband agreed to let SD move in with him. I didn't even think that the deal might have been cut with BM before the arrangement was even presented to OP. Regardless, I don't know why BM is moving, but it could have waited a year if SD finishing in the same school is so important.

Ugh, this poor woman is up against it with her husband, BM and SD all wanting something she doesn't.

I'd raise holy hell if this happened to me.

And you know, lots of kids move when their parents move. It's only today's indulgent parents who let the kids dictate where they live because the poor kids can't leave all their friends!!! Army brats, kids with parents in financial distress, etc., all experience school change as a regular part of life. When my sister's husband lost his job and they have to move to another state for his new job, you should have heard the boo-hooing. Spoiled brats!

STaround's picture

You cannot force the other parent to accept kids you cannot stop them from moving, all that happens is they may lose custody.  

You can raise holy hell all you want, I have yet to see a solution that allows the kid to finish school.  Again, we do not even know if she has a car. 

Dad may have to decide, does he want to  help his graduate HS, or lose OP as a wife, if she refuses. 

ETA -- her bio says she has been married 2 years and has her own kids 23 and 12.  I would think the 12Yo lives there at least part time. 

 

Changing HS at age 17 can be tough.   Seems like DAD understands that. 

marblefawn's picture

SD will be fine in another school. In a year she'll be starting over in a new environment anyway if she goes to college.

I'd love to know why BM is moving now. That would maybe change my view a little...you know, like if it's to get life-saving medical care. But short of that, BM made this decision and she has primary custody, apparently, so it's on her. But that's just my opinion.

I waited to marry my husband until my SD was out of the house and independent. I think that's the best way to prevent this situation, and even then, it could backfire.

STaround's picture

New class schedule (maye they dont offer same classes), new guidance counselor, if out of state, maybe even different graduation requirements. Maybe new high stakes testing.   Maybe taking SATs soon, maybe in SAT prep class.  Nope, not easy.   Not even dealing with kid may not be able to continue sports or ECs. 

You can stomp all day that this is on the BM, but there is nothing DH can do to force her.  It comes down to whether he is willing to let his kid take it on the chin.   I wouldnt let this happen to my kid. 

You were smart to wait.  

fourbrats's picture

as a Junior or Senior. An hour away can mean different graduation requirements. In my area 10 minutes away (we live on a state border) can cause a child to not be able to graduate. They can also have different grading systems, classes, testing times etc. Plus the social aspects of this. This is a case of what is best for the child and it would be to remain with dad until graduation and stay in the same school. 

Two Skids Too Many's picture

My 12 YO does live with us 80% of the time. SD and SS have been with us 50/50. SD does have a car and drive. She would have to drive back and forth on the days she's at moms to finish school. It's actually only about 45-50 minutes to drive, so not the end of the world, IMO. I don't have any problem with SS staying with us. He's respectful, and helpful and doesn't create issues any more than regular kid stuff. I can get on to him and he will help out some.  SD, on the other hand, is mouthy and rude and always has an attitude with me. I can't have that nearly 24/7. None of them have the same standards as me and my daughters about cleaning and being neat. 

 

twoviewpoints's picture

The answers to some of your questions, OP had in her initial forum post last week.

The OP has a 12yr old daughter. Occasionally visits her bio-father, but spends most of the time with OP. 

BM and Dad have no CS nor custody order, they each have had the kids 50/50. The BM is moving for her new husband's job (so for financial reasons). It's too far for the kids to drive back daily for school. So SD17 and SS14 are to stay with Dad during school week and go to BM's every weekend.

To be honest I would not want my daughter already 1/4 of her way through her senior year to move schools either. Senior year is a big deal for teens. However, if she wanted to move in 22 days a month vs the current 15 days, I insist on major changes. 

OP's DH and his kids are lazy and quite content to live in a messy filthy home. Everyone kid and the DH would be assigned regular tasks. With three teens and two adults in the home, the house should sparkle.

OP currently goes 50/50 on household expenses/bills. I would insist on re-doing the finances to reflect DH has two kids in home vs OP's one kid. Maybe a 40/60 with both OP and DH paying clothing, school stuff , for examples, for their own kids. I might even approach BM about CS or more of the healthcare cost or something along those lines.

The topic of disrespect would be my make or break. If SD17 is not going to be expected to respect her SM an her father enforce it, out you go, buttercup. 

 

 

 

 

Kona_California's picture

Did you and your husband have any previous agreement to not allow her to move in? Being in a relationship with someone who has their own kid(s) comes with the assumption that this might come up. I would have an honest conversation with him and talk about compromises. Both of you opt to unilateral decisions, which isn't what you do in a marriage. Let him know he's making this call without discussin with you, and it's making you want to do the same by preventing her from being at your home. Tell him your fears and the reasons you don't want her there. Not only that, it sounds like he isn't open to including your opinions. If you went over all of the boundaries you would need from her, such as being respectful, and helping with certain chores, would you be open to allowing her to be there until she's 18? If so, I would lay out all those boundaries and say he needs to enforce them himself.

Two Skids Too Many's picture

DH has a huge issue with being a parent instead of a friend to his kids. IDK, daddy guilt for not being there 24/7. I have been on him to enforce that she be more respectful but it's actually gotten worse. I would be fine with her staying until she graduates HS, but that's not how this will go. She will be there until... She has no plans for college or life after HS. Her plan is to lay up and let her parents support her, and I won't be apart of it. 

Two Skids Too Many's picture

So this is it. This is the week his EX moves. We had a horrible fight last night because I insisted that he find out what the plans were with the kids through the end of the week and this coming weekend. He agreed to ask until he got on the phone with them and then it was a different tune. He said thy could just let him know. NO THEY CAN"T I am furious. I don't even have enough respect to find out when they are moving in!

 

Rags's picture

Of course  you do. As a partner in the marriage you have every right you choose to take and enforce within the bounds of hte marriage and that includes stipulating how any SKids will be present, or not, in the home.   IMHO a Sparent has veto rights to visits or residency of a kid in the marital home within a fairly broad definition of deviation from standards of reasonable behavior that the kid may have a history of perpetrating.  IMHO this extends to veto rights for the use of marital assets or finances beyond what is stipulated in a Custody/Visitation/Support CO.

The breeding partner in a blended marriage has complete control over managing the behaviors of their spawn to motivate the vetoing partner to remove their visitation/residential or finanancial support veto. If the breeder fails, tough shit and the veto stays in place.

It is your home as much as it is DH's. You can legally exclude whowever you want from the home. I am no lawyer but possession is control and if  you live there, you control access.