please advise - proposed custody, parenting time and support
Hello everyone - this is what BF and I drew up to start the process of negociating all this stuff with BM. We are asking for any and all suggestions and/or input. We are trying to be as fair as possible. BF and BM have to try to work this all out between them before using a mediator. I changed all the names. I know the child support is low balling her but we have to start somewhere and we have an idea of what it will be if the court orders it using the formula in our state.
Proposed Parenting Time, Custody, and Child Support
Custody
1. BF would like joint physical and legal custody of son.
2. BF would like to care for son if BM goes on school trips, vacations, if she is ill and unable to care for son ie BM has the flu, has to be hospitalized, travels outside the USA, etc.
Parenting Time
1. BF would like to have son every Sunday from 12pm to 4pm.
a. The number of hours per visit to be evaluated every 6 months to see if more time is feasible.
2. BM would supply a bottle of expressed breast milk or formula, if she stops breastfeeding for this parenting time.
3. BF will pick son up at BM's home and BM will pick son up at BF parents’ home unless other arrangements have been made prior to parenting time.
4. BF will supply diapers, wipes, extra clothes, car seat, toys etc while in his care.
5. BF would like every other holiday.
a. Holidays are Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
b. Holiday time would be for 4 hours or more.
c. BM would supply a bottle of breast milk or formula for the holiday time.
d. BF will pick up at his home and BM will pick him up from where BF is for the holiday or both parties will meet at a halfway point for pick up and drop off. This would be arranged beforehand.
e. BF will not have son on Mother’s Day, unless BM is okay with it and BF will have son on Father’s Day from 12pm to 4pm just like a regularly scheduled parenting time.
f. BF would like to take son to family events like birthday dinners, weddings, family dinners, etc.
g. Overnight parenting time to be discussed when son is 1 year old.
Child Support
1. BF proposes $200.00 per month child support for son beginning when all support, parenting time and custody have been agreed upon.
2. BF proposes to pay 50% of all non-reimbursed medical expenses.
a. Including co-pays and prescriptions and whatever insurance does not cover
b. BM would bill BF quarterly for these expenses with a copy of the bills and/or receipts and BF will issue her a check for his portion.
c. BF will get medical and dental coverage for child if it becomes available through his employer.
d. BM may claim child on her taxes yearly as long as he lives in her home for more that 50% of the time.
I don't think you're low balling her on money
I have fifty fifty custody and only get 200 a month for TWO kids. Of course you will have his child less, but I'm assuming it will become more as the child gets older and is able to spend more time away from his mother.
My question is, I understand why no overnights if she's nursing, but why only Sunday for four hours? I would try for Sat and Sunday for longer time periods than that. Remember, people leave infants in daycare for 8 or more hours five days a week. I would certainly think you could try for Sat and Sun or another week night for a few hours. I would attempt to get as much physical time as you can, or CS and custody determination may not be what you're hoping for.
Oh- and why do you need to propose BEFORE mediation? Mediators can help a ton and many counties supply them free of charge through the courthouse. Even the one we had to pay for only cost 30 and hour which we split. I would recommend a mediator first if BM is at all unreasonable (and I never was all that reasonable right after giving birth myself to tell you the truth!)
Peace, love, and red wine
PS just read more and...
I would go for every other year for taxes too if you ever plan on your time with his son to reach close to 50/50.
Do you have an attorney advising you?
Peace, love, and red wine
forgot to mention
BF and BM live about 60 miles one way from each other. BF takes baby to his parents house, brothers house or a friends house since with the time contraints we stay local. BF works 6 days a week and usually does not get home until after 7pm. So evening visits, during the week are out of the questions. BF's mom sees baby about once a week either she goes to BM's or BM takes baby to grandparents house. BM takes baby to work with her - she is a montissouri teacher and that's allowed at the school. Imagine nursing in front of a bunch of 10 to 12 year olds while teaching a class. Strange!
More time
More time like zenmom suggested b/c later as the baby gets older courts will see that you'd been establishing a relationship for a while.
It is easier...
To get more time in the original court order than to fight for more time later on down the line.
I'm not exactly sure where you live, but there are not a lot of states that will rule on 50/50 physical custody unless the main (custodial) parent agrees to it.
I suggest, if the court will allow it, a steps-type schedule. What I mean is a visitation schedule that gradually increases and changes with with the child's age. This should go for holiday/summer/expenses/etc. I would still request 50/50 physical custody, but it will be difficult to say that you have the child 50/50 when you are only getting the child regularly only 4 hours a week. I think you need to increase the time now before you try to bargain 50/50 in court---they might see it as a way to decrease CS but you don't want the kid. Understand?
There is a nice custody calendar schedule online that will show you generic visitation times according to age. You can download a free trial version at www.CustodyXChange.com but it only lasts for 30 days. At least this might give you more understanding of visitation times according to age.
One more tip, this may not be the case now but the BM may turn into the type of person that will try her best to weasle the kid out of the BF's life completely. I highly recommend EVERYTHING be in black and white in a court order. This should go for simple things to big things---even little things like where the child will attend school/doctors or where you pick the child up at. Leave no rock unturned, because one day you may regret the vague court order. Trust me, my DH does.
Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.
fifty fifty
Not sure if this legal definition varies state to state, but fifty fifty custody has nothing to do with time the parent sees the child. It has to do with all medical, school, religious, etc decision making. Definitely go for fifty-fifty. Our attorney told us the main reason we were able to pretty easily go for full custody was that we had fifty-fifty to start, so to tip the scale a little bit required less proof BM was unfit as much as proving SD would be best served in our environment and with our decision making ability. Basically, he said that fifty-fifty custody was a term regarding legal rights to decision making, and then companionship time (visitation) is totally different. He told us that we could have fifty fifty legal custody, but only see a child a few times a year. Hope that helps.
My other question was if you have an attorney helping since you're trying to do this without a mediator. An attorney is a must to explain your rights, and protect you from signing something that you think sounds good, but find out later was far less than what you're entitled to.
Goodluck!
Peace, love, and red wine
by the way about CS
Do NOT give any money until there is an order, but try like hell to get an order established through CS.
Any money your BF gives before CS is involved is considered a gift unless BM agrees that it counts. My ex had his tax return held up to go toward "arrears" or back support the county claimed he owed me since they didn't count any checks he paid me directly before the money went through CS agency.
I had to write a notarized letter absolving his arrears, stating he paid me personally. I am an incredibly fair rational BM and wouldn't have made an issue out of a few hundred dollars.
BUT....
How many BM's are out there like me!
Wait for CS order. Anything else is a gift in the eyes of the court.
Peace, love, and red wine
Couldn't agree with you more
Right after DH and I got married his ex decided to pursue a CS order through the courts. Up until then he had been paying her directly without a court order and had been doing so for several years. Long story short, she left a voice mail threatening to tell the courts that he had not been paying at all. Yeah, I taped that message for posterity. She thought he was trying to screw her but he had been paying according to the state guidelines and she must have thought she could get more money because I work. She kept telling him that he had more access to resources than she did, meaning since I worked he could afford to give her even more money. She found out real quick that it didn't work that way and in the end decided to drop the CS case. So now he's back to paying her directly. But that's good advice...do not pay anything without a court order. You will start out in arrears as the order is retroactive to the filing date. Put that money away in a savings account until the order goes into affect.
the divorce decree
The divorce decree states they have to try to work it all out between them before using a mediator. After that, a court order would be the next step. BM is very unreasonalbe and feels she is bending over backwards so BF can see baby once a week. Asking for more time during the week is almost impossible between both parties work schedules and the distance. I will have talk with his employer about getting off early one day a week so he could see baby during the week. We are not too worried about back child support. She only asks to discuss it when she does not get her way ex BF taking baby to his parents' home during his time. We stayed at BM's place for the first several visits just in case baby got hungry. BM hads a lot of trouble nursing in the beginning and each time we take him away from her home he smells like formula. We have also observed and taken photos of formula and freshly washed bottles in the kitchen. Exclusively breastfeeding - my a**.
BM just wants control and feels baby is all hers and she can do what she wants and it has to be her way. BF refuses to fight with her. The first proposal will be sent to her via mail or email - not sure which she prefers but will find out tomorrwow - in the next couple of days. BM knows its coming. We are just waiting for her to calm down a bit since BF refused to let BM get baby a passport.
Thanks for all the great advise. Nice to have suggestions from others who have been there.
Certified mail
We sent everything certified mail. I suggest you do the same. Then you have a signature that she received it, and if she refuses to sign you can use proof of that in court as evidence of her not cooperating.
Peace, love, and red wine
did not think of that
It is a very good idea. A little bit of a pain, since I will be the one sending the letters and picking them up if BM responds or if the letters are refused.
No, decree does not give her a time frame to sell the house but I have suggested to BF to try to "encourage" her along. We may have to get the definition of the term and then use that to court order her to move it along.
BM owes BF money
I forgot to add BM is supposed to be getting the marital home ready for sale. BM agreed to this in April 2007 and some of the work has been done. BM paid people to do it or got people to do it for her. Poor BM, pregnant, her husband left her - pity party for her, so folks feel sorry for her and help her out. Neighbors are getting sick of her only calling them when she needs something.
Its in the decree that she is to do this as soon as feasable. I understand winter is not the best time for the housing market but she has not done anything to the house since before Christmas. Plus the 2 car garage is plum full of junk. Once the house is sold she has to give BF a lump sum. Wonder how long we will have to wait for this to happen?
Goodluck on that one
Didn't they give her a time limit and alternative? Like either sell by such and such or buy your BF out?
Peace, love, and red wine