You are here

"You chose this..."

New_Wife71's picture

BM has said this to DH on many occasions during arguments about parenting time or money.

The last time was over the weekend when trying to figure out spring vacation. The parenting plan is very clear that she gets winter break and he gets spring break but she is balking at them spending all 5 days because the boys want to participate in non sanctioned sports activities over vacation.

These activities were put together by some kids who have gotten permission to use the school gym for the week.

DH is insisting the kids come and BM is not backing it. Her latest email basically said that this is what he gets because he made the choice to leave. 8 years ago.

I can only speculate the way the conversations between her and the boys go but am guessing it does not include her encouraging them to spend time with their Dad.

He gets them EOW and that's only when games and practices don't conflict. He does go to a lot of games but he doesn't see them nearly enough.

How have you all dealt with this if ever? The court order is clear but isn't necessarily being followed.

New_Wife71's picture

We just finished revising the parenting plan with the courts and traded vacation weeks because of basketball.

So basically BM wants DH to never have the kids to punish him for "leaving them".

It's extremely frustrating.

Calypso1977's picture

my BM never follows the parenting plan. my fiance has missed out on tons of visitation becuase SD "refuses" to come and BM allows it, despite a judge ruling that at the age of 13 SD has no say in visitation.

nothing happens. but of course if we witheld CS we'd be hung out to dry.

New_Wife71's picture

Thanks for the advice. I'll check out your blog. I helped DH write a letter but I don't think it ever got sent. I'll talk to him about it again.

I believe to my core that BM has some sort of personality disorder after hearing the stories from DH and my in-laws and then of course witnessing her behavior for the past 6 years.

ncgal1980's picture

Oh WOW! My ex STILL uses that line with me! We separated six freaking YEARS ago, and yes, he was abusive and yes, I DID initiate the separation.

But to this DAY, when visitation/custody stuff isn't going his way, he still throws that out there at me. "Hey, YOU'RE the one who wanted a divorce, not ME!" To him, that should win whatever pouty argument he's trying to start with me over our two kids.

I don't even know how to answer that. I really don't. The last time he said it, though, I shot back, "Yes, I did. That was a long damn time ago. I'm an adult, and leaving you was MY choice. I've never regretted it, and your present behavior is just a reminder of why I left you in the first place. Now we have THIS issue, which has NOTHING to do with that. So ex, let's deal with THIS issue. If you can't do that now, just get back to me when you CAN."

Some people just can't let go of the past and an instance where they feel you wronged them. My ex, to this day, thinks I had no good reason to leave him. It was a horrible, abusive marriage, and I've never for a single second regretted my decision to leave him. It's just so tiresome that he still feels that bringing up the fact that I left him should win him any favors now.

Ex4life's picture

Your SO needs to make it VERY plain to her that either the children are sent to him for his vacation time OR he will be filing in court for contempt charges to be brought on her. Then if she still insists that he not get his time.....DO IT. DO that enough times and she will stop or face the consequences. With Dad already losing time to other sports activities the court is not going to bang Dad for not letting them go. In fact, court would most probably bang Mom for even suggesting that Dad give up his time. Dad's time comes before activities.

Orange County Ca's picture

That school holiday/extracurricular sports activity might be a good time for Daddy to take a week off, take the kids to his home and (assistant) coach the team.

onthefence2's picture

Take the focus off the BM for a second. Obviously everyone here wants to do whatever will piss the bm off or not let her have her way. But what about the kids? They sound like teens? What do they want? Did Dad take off work all week to spend with the kids, or will they be hanging out at home all day alone? I think it's awesome that some kids got together to plan something for the week. Aren't we usually bitching about kids being lazy?

Kids tend to get their own lives/friends/priorities around age 12. It doesn't mean they love their parents less, but if we don't let them start thinking for themselves and making hard decisions, they never will. All you smoms trying to push the CO or using the courts to force someone to do something are wrong. It just reinforces that people are property, owned by the courts. BM is "off." But that doesn't mean it's in the kids' best interest to go against her wishes. There's more info needed here, and "do what the CO says" is hardly ever the best answer.

Imagine a kid missing his soccer game EOWE because Dad insists on having the kid because the CO says it's his time, and he doesn't want the kid playing soccer because it was the BM's idea. Sounds like a great childhood, doesn't it?

New_Wife71's picture

"Imagine a kid missing his soccer game EOWE because Dad insists on having the kid because the CO says it's his time, and he doesn't want the kid playing soccer because it was the BM's idea. Sounds like a great childhood, doesn't it?"

Where is that quote coming from? Not anywhere in my posts did I say DH was making them miss sporting events. Ever.

What I did say is that skids are on the EOW schedule but even then he doesn't always get them because of games and practices. Dad, in this case would never make them miss events like these. So most of the time he's getting them 2 or 3 days a month. He does go to any game he can if he's not working.

DH took 3 days off to take skids hunting and is working 6am to 2pm the other days so he has planned on actually spending time with the kids. I'm insulted that you would assume he's fighting for them just for the sake of argument.

Yes the kids are in their early teens but they still need to spend time with both parents. I would hope that any parent would agree with that.

"All you smoms trying to push the CO or using the courts to force someone to do something are wrong. It just reinforces that people are property, owned by the courts. BM is "off." But that doesn't mean it's in the kids' best interest to go against her wishes. There's more info needed here, and "do what the CO says" is hardly ever the best answer."

Here's some more information for you. DH already gave up his month in the summer due to summer sports leagues. He now gets them for 5 days in July. What else do you want to know? I'll answer your questions. For the record BMs like the one I deal with LOVE to throw out the court order when it suits her wants.

This thread is about BM telling DH that not being able to see his own kids is his fault for "leaving them". It seems as though you feel that is a fair statement... You must be a BM. :?

onthefence2's picture

Here is another scenario. Even during marriage, kids are involved in TONS of activities: baseball, football, basketball, dance, karate, gymnastics, etc. Both parents are good with it, no problem there. When they split, all of a sudden Dad has a problem with all the activities because it cuts into "his" time. He tells everyone how mom is scheduling activities to keep the kids away from him, or how they have too much going on to ever come for a weekend, etc. Forget that both live in the same town...where the activities are.

It is REALLY hard for a bm to use activities to keep dad away. More often than not, the kid is the one who misses out when the parents say "oh, you can't do that, it's your Dad's weekend" or vice versa. It's not the parents being affected. The kid usually wants to do the activity, or go to the birthday party, or whatever comes up. Would it be better for mom to say, "I'm sorry, you can't do that, because you have to go to your Dad's"? because you know...that's what the papers say. The papers written up years ago decided that you can't go to your best friend's bday party today because your Dad doesn't want to bring you back and forth... Then you get in trouble for "blaming it on Dad." (My ex and I don't do this).

There is a LOT of assuming going on between s/exes. Does PAS happen? Of course. But not EVERYTHING the bm does is PAS. TRUST ME, my ex was granted only supervised visitation, and if I wanted to, I could enforce it. He was suicidal and neglectful years ago and actually starved his dog to death. If you saw pictures of the house my kids were staying in with him you would puke. But I don't need the court to tell me he has improved and can handle having them weekends. When people say, "You must be a bm," it shows exactly how limited their scope is. And that's where a lot of problems start. I was a smom before I was a mom and I've seen LOTS of crappy bm behavior as well as crappy dad behavior. It's like there's a race to Crapville, and sorry, I'm not in it.

New_Wife71's picture

You keep coming up with scenarios that are not relevant to our situation. My DH does not run around telling anyone anything about BM. He's an adult that actually acts like one.

My DH does not have a problem with the kids activities one bit. He just wants 5 freaking days with his kids. Never have we accused BM of purposely planning activities on his weekend. Games and practices happen most weekends. That's just how it is.

Again he sees them 2 or 3 days a month due to sports and other activities. There is not one thing wrong with asking BM to back him on seeing them more. She instead tells him it's his fault because he chose to leave them.

My scope is not limited at all. I'm trying to pick the good advice out of your posts but I can't find it. All the instances you come up with make Dads bad guys for wanting time with their kids.

DH has conceded a lot when it come to parenting time.

onthefence2's picture

Neither of those statements were directed at you, they were general comments regarding the comments by other posters. I asked if Dad planned on spending the time with them because THAT is important, not because I was insinuating he was a crappy dad, as if he WAS going to work all week. If Dad took the time off, they SHOULD go to Dad's. If he was going to work all week, he shouldn't expect them to come. It totally changes the scenario. What the bm wants or is trying to do is irrelevant. What's best for the kids is what matters.