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Why don't I like my "good" stepdaugher? Please help me!

LeeBee's picture

Submitted by LeeBee on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 9:52am

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Brief background - I'm a new stepmother. I just got married 6 months ago. In July this year my eight year old stepdaughter will be moving with us. I will be a full-time custodial stepmother. Her BM is pretty much uninvolved and does not want any custody. I have no children of my own.

I have been reading through the forums and it seems like most stepmoms have bratty, ill-mannered and rude stepchildren and it seems pretty easy to understand why stepmoms don't love or even like these stepkids. My stepdaughter is very well-mannered, respectful to me, and seems to genuinely like me. Why don't I feel more for her? I hate myself for dreading her presence and feel like a witch for feeling this way. I have no legitimate reason for not liking her. I have been praying and praying that God would change my heart and make me more receptive to her. I don't think anyone knows I feel like this because I try to be affectionate to her so that I won't hurt her feelings or disappoint her about her dad's new marriage. And I know how happy my husband is to have his daughter with him, so I want to support him on this.

If I feel like this now, how will I manage having her full-time. I don't want to be this person. I want to love her and to be a happy family. But I don't. What can I do? How do I change this?

buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 10:08am

First off stop stressing yourself, you don't automatically love anyone let alone this child just because. Give it some time and try to start it out as a friendship, don't beat yourself up that you don't love her instantaneously it takes time for that love to grow, I'm sure given time you will accept her but realize you may never "love" her as your own and there is nothing wrong with that.
Second, try to realize she isn't going to instantly love you either. You are lucky she is well behaved for the most part. Just make sure your DH and you are on the same page when it comes to discipline because when you have her full time she may test the waters this is something kids do, its up to you DH to set the tone on what he will or will not allow with her. Most the time many of us are mad at our skids it usually is because our spouses have let it get to the point it is at because they do not want to be the bad guy.

mrsdavis10's picture

Submitted by mrsdavis10 on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 10:09am

I really think you are just over thinking the whole situation. YES, it can be stressful, but it is also very rewarding. I think once you get into the hang of it that you'll probably enjoy it. She doesn't sound like a bad kid with any ill will towards you and that's a definte plus. Try to kinda go with the flow and things will fall into place. Smile

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 10:14am

Does your DH act different when she's around? when I first started dreading the skids visits, it was because SO would act different. It wasn't their fault... at first.

LeeBee's picture

Submitted by LeeBee on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 10:35am

Things are definitely different when she is there. We have a very playful, affectionate relationship. But when she is there, he is not physically affectionate. The whole dyamic is different, as is only natural I guess.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 7:22pm

And there in lies the problem. You are projecting on to her what you should be on to him. Point it out to him. A lot of us here have gone through this. This is not natural and would not be the case if he were still with her mother.

My SO has done this to me for so long. I have found that reversal works best on him. I withdraw from him with the skids are around, he changes his tune quite quickly. When SD hit puberty he seemed quite strange around me and her together. Its as if he didn't know what to do-- and still can be this way. She mistakenly behaves towards her father as she would a boy sometimes. Not as blatant as others I have read about here, but she still does it. I have gotten to the point where I cannot be around the two of them and I'm not. Like I said though, this makes him very affectionate around me whether she is there or not.
http://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome-pri...

duct_tape's picture

Submitted by duct_tape on Sun, 03/04/2012 - 11:17am

You can't fault her for her dad's seemingly changed personality in her presence.
You are very lucky that she genuinly likes you. It's also not her fault that she's the product of him and someone else. She's there and you have a choice to make. You could potentially become a true blue "evil stepmom" if you don't check yourself. Sounds like you know this already. Your concious is already guiding you.

Like everyone says, don't pressure yourself or over analyze. She a little kid who deserves a fair shake. You are a grown up with no kids who deserves some space and time to adjust. Just don't make the mistake of finding things to dislike about her so that you can feel justified. I've done that myself, so I speak from experience on that one. Good luck.
When it comes to kids, the more time you spend alone, one-on-one the closer you seem to become. Get the dad out of the picture once in a while, that will help you immensly.