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why does she hate me?

Blueberry's picture

My boyfriend has a 3 1/2 year old daughter. He was only 17 when she was born, and has been separated from the mother for 3 years. I started dating him when his daughter 18months old. He used to see her monday-wednesday, but anymore he rarely sees her. his daughter's mother is a royal pain, and not nice to anyone... She throws tantrums like a baby.
When his daughter comes over he usually falls asleep and i am the one that watches her. when we go places with her it's usually my idea, and i pay for everything. i buy her things all the time and i'm really trying to have a good relationship with her. but every time shes around all she does is whine that she wants her mommy and her mothers boyfriend. She clings to her father when he's awake, but hardly even looks at me. i've been a small part of her life for 2 years and she acts like she doesn't wan me around. i know she's only 3 1/2 but it really hurts my feelings when i'm trying harder to provide for her and teach her things than her parents are, and she wants nothing to do with me. we went to chuckie cheese where i payed for tokens and pizza and kept trying to play with her and win her tickets, and when her father went to the bathroom she walked around yelling "daddy daddy?" everyone looked at me like i was trying to kidnap her or something. Or we went to walmart and she tryed to stand in the back of the cart and when i told her no she crossed her arms and said "(mommie's boyfriend) would let me. i want (mommie's boyfriend). neither of her parents are very good with children and i really want to be a part of her life. i don't even know what to do. i hardly see her anymore because her father's work schedule is crazy and he doesn't get her very often. Also, when her mother come to pick her up, the little girl won't even look at me. i can not figure out what to do to get this little girl to like me. is her mother telling her to act cold to me? am i trying to hard? i just don't get it. Does anyone have any advice?

sbplus3's picture

Hi.... I totally feel for you because I came into my SS11 life at that exact same age. He is almost 12 now, and I tried soooo long and sooo hard to get that little boy to love me. We get along now but it is nothing as i ever imagined it would be. I even had a similar "walmart" experience...but he was out of control back then, forget sitting in the cart at all! LOL All I can say is DON'T TRY TO HARD, because you will never get the gratification or rewarding feeling you may be looking for. Step parenting is a thankless job. She may grow to love you in time, just treat her as if she is your niece for now. BE who you are with her, not who the child wants you to be. She will like you more if she knows she can't manipulate you...& yes, in my opinion the BM probably is talking crap. Don't get sucked into this if you can help it. Run Run Run why are you paying for his kid? doesn't he work? maybe this is why BM and he didn't work out?

"To win one's joy through struggle is better than to yield to melancholy"- Andre Gide

Angel72's picture

I honestly think she is too young to realize or even believe if bm is manipulating her. I think she is just acting like any toddler is and she is asking for her dad for good reason. Sounds to me , even when he does have her, he sleeps or doesn't pay enough attention andyour left holding the bag. Its not the she hates you...she wants her dad. Its naturally. She wnats the attentionof her dad and she is not getting it.
She doesn't spend enough time with you to form this bond you want. This is hwy she asks for mommies boyfriend. he's connnected because he's there 24/7.
Another piece of advice. Stop spending the money. you will resent it , in the long run. Its fine for bday etc...but not for everyday outtings. DAD is the one who should cough up the money AND he should spend more time together.
I think by getting her dad involved with things you are doing and increasing the amount of visitation will help this situation.
Now if bm is poisoning her against you, there is nothingyou can do about that. you cannot control what bm says or does under her household but you can control what yousay and do.
What does your bf do? Can't he pick her up more often?