What age is best for this type of time sharing?
My SO has 50-50 custody with SS6. When the decree was finalized when SS was 4 they agreed to 2-2-3. The idea is that there wouldn't really be in-person exchanges since SS would just get picked up from school by the parent whose custody it is that day. BM is a general pain in the ass and looks for any and all reasons to engage with SO. Every day.... it's something.
Now that we're in isolation all exchanges are in person. On top of her normal BS, there are messages every two days/every day about the pick-up/drop-off. The time changed. The location changed. She expects SO to do all the taxi driving. It's caused soooooo much stress because SO wants to just give in to anything she wants to "avoid the fight."
I said to him I think he should push for every other week starting Mondays. BM suggested this months ago so I think it's possible... even though she could have changed her mind since then. I told SO that obviously it would be great for me since there would be less interaction, but really better for SS. Right now the time sharing isn't consistent and his environment has to change up so suddently all the time. I feel like at his age he understands he'll see his dad/mom again soon and it would be so much more stable for him. He would get to settle in and have a more predictable routine. I feel like SO not wanting it is really because it's about him not wanting to go a whole week without seeing the kid.
I'm curious to hear from other parents/step-parents thoughts on this?
I did 50/50 Week On/Off from
I did 50/50 Week On/Off from the age of 10 with my parents. I had siblings who were 12, 8 and 6 - so the youngest started at 6.
I know i was a fair bit older then your SS but i can tell you what i do remember from that time was i reallllllly disliked 2-2-3 (which i didnt even know what a thing then) which they did before they formally signed off on custody agreement. We all never knew when we were coming or going or why. Our parents didnt communicate so was a real nightmare. Week On/Week Off was such a relief to know 'Friday was change over day'.
I truthfully believe whatever makes both parents happier will make the children/child happier. If possible, facilitation of some calls/facetime between the SS and the other parent during the Week Off would be good - but if thats going to cause more drama or ability to manipulate then dont bother. I can tell you as a kid who loved both parents very much, i actually never thoguht to call my parents while i was at the others house, we just picked up where we left off each Friday - but i was also never blocked from doing so if i wanted too.
DH and BM have been doing 2/2
DH and BM have been doing 2/2/5 since SD5 was a year old. I think she was a bit young for the 5 day stretch at that age, but 2/2/3 was too disruptive and confusing, and if SD needed to see the other parent, it happened (DH and BM are cordial and cooperative). At 5 and 7 now, the SDs have no issues with 2/2/5 (and haven't for a long time). During COVID, DH and BM have moved to every other week to minimize exchanges, and that's working, but they really like 2/2/5 and will go back to that schedule when this is all over.
It sounds like your SS is in between my 2 SDs, so I'm guessing he'd be fine with an every other week schedule. They truly have no problems with it.
My SS had a long distance
My SS had a long distance visitation schedule from 2yo on. My DW was the CP. The SpermIdiot had 7wks of visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk Spring with an additional 10 days in Sept/Oct in the local where SS was living full time. The SpermClan never took that additional 10 days.
It was great for the kid. There was distinct separation between his two households. Fully regulated stability in our home 90% of the time and dedicated time of mayhem and foolishness in SpermLand during visitation the other ~10% of the time.
Kids are flexible and adaptable. Not seeing a parent for extended periods of time will not hurt them a bit. And an EOW schedule is a non issue IMHO.
I agree. I think sometimes
I agree. I think sometimes the unnecessarily frequent exchanges and facetiming and calls are more for the parents' feelings and less about what's best for the kids. Not that parents' feelings don't matter but people tend to do a lot of things in the name of "it's for the kids!" when it's actually all about them.
This is a really common theme
This is a really common theme in my situation. "It's for the kids" comes up but And BM says things are for her kid's best interest when it's obvious it's for her. Like the stupid tooth fairy thing in my other blog post.
We moved states when my sd
We moved states when my sd was 6. SD had 3 moths (september - december) then 6 months (January - July) stretches without seeing her mother. They would skype once a week (when BM could be bothered to remember). We are doing the reverse right now - sd lives with her mother for the accademic year and sees us in the summer/winter vacations. She can miss the parent she is not with, (which is normal) but is generally fine.
Ideally she would see her parents more frequently but a few thousand miles and school schedules make that unfeasable.
Kids are adaptable they get used to things if they are presented as neutral situations. Parents will get used to it too. There will be some transition time to get used to this and possibly even for a short while after changing homes each week but it will get easier with time.
Ultimately though it is up to your husband to do what he wants. I would be wary of pushing him to adjust his schedule. I might suggest it, but let him take the lead. You don't want to be the person that gets blammed should it not work out or should your husband resent seeing his kid less frequently.
My DW moved out of state with
My DW moved out of state with SS when he was ~13mos old. As a teen mom she had full physical and legal custody. There was COd visitation. The CO was issued a couple of weeks after SS turned 2yo giving the SpermIdiot visitation.
For the next 16 years there were several periods of a year or more that he refused to take his visitation.
The Skid was fine.
I divorced my ex when my kids
I divorced my ex when my kids were 3 and 4 yrs old. We always had summer visitation until they were in upper elementary school as 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I realize it was just for the summer but it wasn't the worst thing. The kids were fine, it was more me who was upset by it.
I would think that week on/ week off would be fine at 5.
DH had a 2-3-2 schedule every
DH had a 2-3-2 schedule every other week then a 2 schedule the off week. It was exhausting for everyone. I don't understand why the courts do that instead of week on/off.
DH and BM eventually agreed to change it to 5-2 and 2 week on/off. Much better.
Now with covid, they are doing week on/off which is even better.
So bf and BM separated
when SD was just a titch over 1.5 years old, bf had sd from 53% - 79% of the time every month from the time the child was 1.5 until she was turning 3.. At that point they did not have a CO and BM could not be bothered to see her child more than a couple times a month until her false CPS call when the child was turning 3. Then bf got EOWE from the court as a temp schedule. Now since SD was 3.5 it has been EOW and this will continue till she is about to turn 4. Then it should be changing to an out of state schedule.
I don't know if it is because all this started when the child was so young, but SD is totally fine with a full week without seeing the other parent. When bf went from majority to EOWE is when we saw some issues in regards to attitude, being bossy, etc. because BM does not parent or discpline and since going to every other week, we see that a lot less. Bf and I also try our best to bring her up with manners, rules, expectations, etc. so at least every other week she is getting structure when with us. SD is however generally a very well behaved child so that may also have something to do with it. However, if there is no attachment issues with one parent or the other, I think an every other weekend schedule is doable with a child that age