We agreed on things, he's not following through. Do I confront him (again)?
My husband and I have six kids between the two of us, none together. I think he is a great father but I noticed early on in our relationship that he had double standards and different expectations for his youngest daughter. She is even treated different than his three older children, as well as my two.
She's 10, btw, so not a baby.
It has gotten a lot better but having to constantly work on this has taken a toll on our relationship and right now, I feel like I am towing a fine line between saving my marriage and saving my sanity.
Nonetheless, there has been progress. He no longer babies her, makes her do chores, says "no" to her. But we sat down a few nights ago and wrote down some issues we've been seeing with the kids and agreed on how to fix it. I followed through, he did not.
We agreed that when we give the kids a chore, we will check their work and make sure they did it properly. We also agreed that the kids will have their room clean and all clothes put away before they go back to their mom's house. My kids have to clean their rooms at the same time, and have the same expectations for cleanliness and laundry. One issue we've seen is that my step daughter "hides" her clean clothes instead of putting them away.
We actually cleaned the house for two days straight. I checked my kids rooms several times, even made them do certain things over again. I thought he was checking his daughter's room, too. But after saying our goodbyes, I noticed the lights were left on in her room and when I went to turn them off, I noticed her closet was empty. She hadn't hung up any of her clothes, she just hid them in a basket in the corner. If he had truly checked her work, I don't see how he would have missed it. Her room isn't what I thought we considered clean, either.
Now I feel like I have to bring this up to him...again...risk having an argument...again. Do I just show him what I found? Do I suggest we both check all of the kids rooms? Do I just leave it like that and tell the kids myself? (They don't really listen to me and are disliking me more all the time).
Take the basket of clothes,
Take the basket of clothes, Set it on top of her bed and when she walks in the door, tell her that she has to put them away before she can play or do anything else. OR have your DH do it.
One thing you need to realize to save your sanity...Things are not always going to be fair. That is just life. It doesn't make it right nor does it make it easy. But kids also need to learn, things are not always fair.
You can harp and harp and harp at your DH to treat them all equal but if he refuses, you need to let it go. Teach your children that you have expectations of them and you cannot control what DH does with SD.
I fought that battle with my DH. He was way harder on my BS then his own. I called him out on it, told him he was to never tell my BS what to do again if he wasn't going to enforce the same rules on his boys. I parented BS and He Disney dad'd his boys. My BS is launched, has a career and is doing amazing. His boys are rude, inconsiderate entitled brats who will never fully respect DH because he never demanded respect.
Take it from me....parent your own and let him parent his.
This is a pick your battles
This is a pick your battles issue. At the end of the day if the room is dirty and clothes are sitting wrinkled in a hamper, who does it affect? SD of course. She gets to wade through the mess, she gets to rifle through a pile of clothes to find something to wear. Since DH is already in charge of overseeing her room I'd also let him be in charge of washing and putting away her laundry. Make a pile and let DH deal with it. No clean clothes? go talk to daddy. Can't find your favorite shirt? "DH, SD needs help sorting through her piles to find her shirt."
Shut SD's door and let DH deal with it.
I don't think you can really
I don't think you can really win the battle by nit-picking. Yes YSD skirted the requirement...but she wouldn't be the first kid who shoved things under a bed or in a basket instead of doing it properly. (ask me how I know this..ahem former underbed hider)
I think mentioning to him that SD has a bunch of dirty clothes that need to be done in a basket might be all I would say.
If she is making attempts at cleaning her room.. she should be praised for the effort and perhaps just given a hint on how to do better.
Like: SD, thanks for making your bed every day... it really looks so much nicer. Oh.. if you have laundry that needs to be done, don't forget to let us know. We might not find it if it's stashed somewhere.
Do I just leave it like that
Do I just leave it like that and tell the kids myself? (They don't really listen to me and are disliking me more all the time).
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Do not do this. I agree with picking your battles. If they are staring to dislike you more now, I would back off on everything to do with disciplining them.
If it bothers you that bad….I would just tell DH that you went to turn off the lights in SDs room and her room was not clean so maybe he needs to check it better next time. Then leave it at that. I myself would not say anything. But I don’t really care if kids rooms are clean or not. (But no food in rooms)
It sounds like from the tone of your post, you are really hounding your DH about his child. I would stop now and disengage.
Stick the basket on the SD's
Stick the basket on the SD's bed and ask DH to go check her room again.
Lather, rinse, repeat until he steps up.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.