Vent / ranting: workaholic wife
I apologize in advance for this not strictly being related to stepkids, but I feel the need to vent. We are relatively recently married. My DW is a teacher of primary school kids. I do appreciate that there are times, exams for example, when teachers have to burn the midnight oil. However, my wife puts in working hours that are worthy of a stressed out Silicon Valley executive - often 100 plus hours per week, and this is constantly going on, not only during (understandable) times of pressure at school.
For example, it's not exam time right now, but 3 out of the 4 nights so far this week, she's been putting in 16 hour days. She also "has to" work this coming weekend. There goes Saturday and Sunday. When I ask her what the emergency is, it's always vague: "Oh, I'm a bit behind in my work." Does she ever catch up, however, despite these 100 hour weeks? Nope. And note, she's a primary school teacher with no extracurricular sports or activities on her plate.
When she's not working 16 hour days, she's exhausted, goes to bed early, takes a sleeping pill, and passes out by 8pm. Tells me not to expect anything as she's taken the pill. As a result, our sex life is, how shall I put this, rather limited. Either I'm asleep by the time she eventually comes to bed, or she's exhausted. She's even taken to complaining that sex hurts her, on the rare occasions that we actually get to do it. Funny thing, that - it didn't seem to hurt when our relationship was new and we were like rabbits...
Nagging and arguing her doesn't help. She just withdraws and works even more. So I tried negotiating, asking her to make half an hour just to be physically intimate with me, which doesn't have to be sexual, at night, out of her sixteen hour days. No go.
I've tried to be supportive. I'm the person doing all the cooking in our household, even when her kids are at our house over weekends, so that she can start working earlier in the afternoons, in the hope that she comes to bed at a reasonable time (i.e. before midnight - we both get up at 5am every weekday so we can hardly expect to bond at 2am in the morning and then have to get up 2 hours later.) This didn't have the desired effect, quite the opposite. Now she merely works from early evening till past midnight, and I get even less of her time.
I am increasingly thinking that this excessive workaholic stuff is about avoiding me and disengaging from me, rather than the work load she pretends she has. I'm starting to question her physical attraction and asking myself whether she shouldn't have (symbolically) had the school principal standing next to her the day we got married, rather than me. By being supportive and trying to understand, I'm probably being an enabler of her bad habits, much like an alcoholic's wife who enables his addiction by shopping for alcohol for him.
What should I do? Should I withdraw from our relationship, and go and pursue other activities when she's constantly working? I'm not prepared to be in a relationship where she's married to something else, in effect, and as a relative newlywed I certainly refuse to accept the lack of physical intimacy her working excessively causes. I've tried to tell her that she's placing our marriage at risk, that this kind of stuff often ends up in affairs or divorce, but nothing I do or say seems to help.
Agree!
First thing is stop taking care of HER kids. She is responsible for that. Don't argue with her, state it simply and factually. Tell her, "DW, these are your children and you are responsible for them on the days they visit. I will not be here to do so anymore. You will have to adjust your work schedule accordingly." And then stick to it. Leave the house, go for a long walk, to a friend's, to a movie ... whatever.
I also agree that badgering her about sex is only making it worse - whatever it is. She is certainly avoiding "home" for some reason - whether it's you or something else - and you will have to talk to her to find out what it is. Throwing in hints about divorce and failing marriages doesn't help either. To be honest, it appears most of your complaints about her are her not being available for sex. Most women are not interested in sex if there is something else wrong with the relationship.
Tell her that you desperately want to find out what is wrong because you LOVE her ... and then sit quietly and listen. Just listen. If she continues to avoid you and won't talk, then tell her you will be making an appointment with a counselor because you are terribly unhappy with the current state of your marriage and want it to get better. Ask her to join you. If she refuses, still go on your own.
It's not only about the sex
Yes, it's about sex too, but really, I miss having my wife around to just, for example, watch a movie with. One can't have sex for sixteen hours, after all, which is how long she worked yesterday - or at least I can't :-).
But surely it's just unacceptable to not at least a fraction of those hours, say 1 out of the 16, with your husband? And remember again: we're only recently married. We did live together before the actual wedding. Aren't newlyweds supposed to want to spend every waking hour together and yes, even have sex as often as possible?
Actions speak louder than
Actions speak louder than words. She doesn't want to spend time with you and she doesn't want to have sex with you. Sorry.
Is your wife working at a
Is your wife working at a school whose culture is crazy long work hours? As hard as it is to believe, there are lots of them out there. Principals hold renewal over their heads and, if you are not working insane hours, you are not renewed.
Crazy hour working teachers is such a problem that there's even an online support service for those trying to stop. Do a search for Angela Watson and 40 hour club to find out about it. You could gift your wife a membership.
I'm a reformed, retired
I'm a reformed, retired workaholic. I'm lucky that it didn't cost me my marriage, probably because my DH worked a demanding job with fluctuating hours. For me , it was a way to practice avoidance and gain validation without having to be uncomfortable emotionally. At times I even worked a second job, so it was always 50 - 80 hours per week. I was running away from a bad childhood, a toxic mother, skids, and a DH who wanted a lot of intimacy towards something that rewarded me financially for not dealing with any of that stuff.
Your wife has issues and needs therapy, but she may not want it or recognize that she needs it. I find it especially sad that she's neglecting her own children while obstensibly giving so much of herself to the betterment of other people's kids.
You need to have a serious dialogue with her. Maybe in a public place like a restaurant, where she can't avoid it. Are you prepared to issue an ultimatum? Because she will likely squirm and try to avoid facing facts. Your leverage is to stop caring for her children and ending the marriage, so maybe some shock and awe will compel her to make some changes. Insist on therapy (individual and marital). She'll either choose to work the problem of not, but she won't get better without professional help.
As another man I will side
As another man I will side with you on the importance of sex in a marriage, however I have to go with the ladies on this one that it sounds like something else is going on, be it depression, anxiety or as one poster said she just isn’t interested in having sex with you.
Being that you are recently married I would agree that this is odd behavior which is why I believe that something is going on.
How old is your wife? Could she be going through menopause? My wife had way less interest in sex when she went through menopause and she also has mentioned pain during sex since then.
She is avoiding you for a reason obviously what that reason is, only she knows at this point.
I suggest checking out One Flesh Marriage, it’s a Christian site but it is all about the marital bed, you won’t get preached at, you won’t have the Bible beat on your head what you will find is a lot of valuable information and a very caring community. I visit there quite a bit, I have never posted anything but I read a lot of the posts.
Hope you can find what is missing between the two of you.
Going back a fair few years
Going back a fair few years now (20!) when I was a teenager, my mum did the same thing to avoid my dad. A teacher (although secondary), would stay late at school and then work till past midnight every night, insisting she had too much work. We all felt she never made time for us and years later, after her marriage ended through my dad eventually having an affair... And the children were all grown up... She realised she needed to get help. She realised she was depressed, she realised she was full of anxiety and self loathing. She never took responsibility for her being so absent (even to this day) and I still don't think she is a particularly happy person. I question whether things would have been different if somebody helped her when she was younger, spotted the depression. Sex is a difficult one because of you don't want it, every touch is a road to a path you don't want to take. Men are very different to women, women need to be emotionally healthy and happy. Men have a funny way of reading affection as a 'go' signal and multiple times of affection leading to your other half trying it on means you learn to avoid all affection. I would back off completely from sex... Let her come to you. Try to understand what's going on from her side in a non threatening way and as others have suggested, seek counselling.