unsettling
where do I start I have been with my husband for 12 years married for 2years - I have two children a son 21 lives at home and a daughter 26 whom lives with her boyfriend - my husband has two daughters 17 and 19 nearly 20 - an ex wife whom feels she has a right to call the shots in our lives even though she is remarried but (not) happy !! 3 months ago my husbands daughter was thrown out of her home as there was conflict with her and her mother and step dad and we took her in - she always seemed pleasant enough - she had a small amount of debt and had no idea how to manage money etc - so myself and her father began to educate her - showing her saving money is a bonus and that you don't have to spend all your wages at once and be left with nothing - we have a lovely house myself and my husband work hard for this - on the other side of the fence at the mothers home they are always scraping for money and have no idea about working for what you want - Anyway - we decided that the step daughter should pay £10 a week so she could get herself on her feet and clear her debts - she works full time and can more than afford this and save as well - we do a lot of promotional work and organise events - the step daughter asked her father can her mum attend the event - and instead of saying I don't think that is a good idea he put the ball in my court to answer the question which I felt un supported and put on the spot for no reason - we had a terrible row and thus the situation continues - the SD - speaks to her father in whispers and goes quite when I walk in the room - she spends most of her time over her mothers - but sleeps at ours and we do all her washing - I feel we are being taken for a ride - as soon as my husband stopped paying child support that is when the nonsense started - she has come over on a number of occasions after falling out with her mother - We have never had to deal with situations like this before and I now feel like an alien in my own house - my daughter and son both have said that I don't seem happy - and I'm not - the dynamics of the house has changed I feel like our lives our under survillance and I am anxious all the time - Myself and my husband have always been open and honest with each other and I feel we have lost this as he is very defensive about the situation - he will get texts from her asking it she has upset me making me look like a bad guy - I just can't put my finger on it - I just want my life back but don't know how to explain to my husband the whole point of her staying with us was so she could save for a flat - that hasnt happen and she has not saved a thing I feel she is giving her mum money as last month she couldn't explain where £600 of her money had gone - I just don't want the hassle and I feel her mother who is very malipnative and cruel has hatched the whole thing - I just wish she would move back home - I just needed to get this off my chest - I don't know where to go with this I am so unhappy !!!!
Your DH should definately be
Your DH should definately be supporting you on this. I understand your position though, I feel like an ogre and nagging witchey-bitch most of the time when my DH is home and we have SS. DH doesn't follow up on ANYTHING and never disciplines. I hope something changes for you soon, before you start to resent your DH.
You just described exactly
You just described exactly how I felt when adult ss lived with my DH & I. Always the private, whispery conversations. WTF? I feel for you Jay01179. Get her the eff out of your house, or you will resent your DH, just like windee said. A man's children usually bring out the worst in him.
It's your home and she is an
It's your home and she is an adult. But then again so is your son who is also living with you.
A rather difficult position to be in. How do you toss the step while keeping the bio? Hmmmm is your boy saving for a flat? You didn't get into that. Full time college student?
Unless your son has a very valid reason to live off of his mother then perhaps its time to give both of them a shove. You're not doing either one a favor by supporting them when they should be supporting themselves. Perhaps they can find a flat and roommate with each other.
If the relationship has not
If the relationship has not got too sour, is there a point in talking to her direct and asking her if there is a problem? Sounds like your DH has clammed up and will not tell you the truth. Or has she said anything to your kids?
In a way who cares if she gives her mother money, so long as she pays her way with you? Something for your DH to discuss with her, not you? One thing a lot of parents do is take more in rent then put it into savings for a deposit for the young person so they can purchase independently in due course.
There are a lot of issues rolled up here, for example the involvement of the BM in the event is totally separate and a matter between your DH and you not your SD, looks like it might help to write out a list of the issues for yourself and DH to tackle separately? Once they are taken in small bite-sized chunks, they might be more manageable.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your comments - I really felt like I was on my own with this - gonna av to work out what DH/BM etc mean lol - but I get the drift - I love my husband totally and never had to deal with the situation as originally he moved in with me and mine when they were 11/16 and have leaved with my children longer than he has actually lived with his - I totally support his relationships with his daughters - But just hate it when they take him for a fool - example - Step Daughter - always inconsistant with what she tells him and I daren't say she is a liar -she said she was going over her boyfriends - I told my husband she is going over her mothers he said No - (as my husband and her had words) sure enough he drove passed and her car was at her mothers - which is fine but just say - this is just one occasion - I would be here all day if I carried on - My son travels away and works away - and uses home as base - 3 months on 3 months off !! - I was ready with my husband to start doing things with just us - and now we have this ugly situation which is sending me over the edge !! - it started off Step D was saving for a flat and now she's saving for another car - and she hasn't saved a thing - it is all lip service !! - now I have been frozen out by my husband and my Step D - - but it will all turn out as my fault - blame a side - I just what my life back as it was 4 months age - happy jokey household - looking forward to coming home - but know I hate it sorry av to go choking up !!!
(No subject)