I absolutely despise DH's BM. She is a total narc, just like you outlined above. Yet SS12 isn't at all what you outlined above. He is kind, respectful, loving and we have a really good relationship. You can tell that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease a custodial HCBM while trying to maintain a relationship with DH that BM doesn't want him to have. He is walking the fine line for both sides. I don't think there is necessarily a "biological ick" as you put it. I think if skids lean into all of the worst traits - rude, selfish, no respect, etc., then it makes sense to not like them. But not all skids lean into those traits. Some, despite their bio parents, can be good, well-rounded kids. 

I would love that! I don't think there is a negative biological factor at work. I was actually excited when I learned DH had kids. I was really looking forward to getting to know them. I had some reservations about BM due to red flags early on, but I was still open to getting to know her, too--and getting along with her. I had hoped for a peaceful life. 

Little did I know I was walking into a field of land mines. Everything exploded when we got married. BM was very upset that she felt she was losing control over DH, who I likened to her puppet. She behaved very jealously and aggressively and made our lives hell for a couple years. She PASed the skids, so, although I tried for years to believe the relationships would improve and that the skids "would one day see the light," I finally admitted to myself that they are just extremely damaged, rude, problem-ridden, angry, bitter, pathetic idiots who I cannot stand. THEIR LOSS. 

I think most women are hard-wired to "protect" their offspring. This isn't just a human thing, it's an animal thing. Even reptiles will attack something getting too close to their offspring.  Perhaps many BMs have reptilian blood, /S

Seriously, I do think that this is the primary, fundamental reason that stepparents, particularly SMs, will rarely be able to have a close relationship with skids. I don't know about statistics but I'd say that it's probably less than 5-10% of stepmothers will have a life-long positive relationship with their skids.  It's because at some point, BM will step in and exert her protective side, even if the skids are adults with kids of their own. (Think, BMs who compete with SMs to be sole "grandma" in kids lives.)

That is why I feel being a SM is a no-win game. Disengagement is the only solution. The alternative is to be constantly on alert waiting for the BMs attack, since you are too close to her kids. 

I think it is the rare unicorn of a BM who can be self-assured, confident, intelligent and mentally healthy enough to override that basic protection instinct, and allow and accept a SM in her kids' lives.

Understanding.  That SK have a BM. They don't want or need two mothers.  You are out.  No matter what you do you are out .   I am in that group where BF bad genes screw up SK.   Youngest SD totally crazy where most Dr. didn't want to deal with her.  Thank goodness she could not stay home and ran away. 
'Then the law tells you the crazy person bas rights.  If she actually stayed home it would of distroyed our marrage. I could not stand by and have my house and things get distroyed every day.  Things stolen, holes in walls,  running around the house at 2 and 3 am.  
I have to work, I have to sleep. I could not go into work looking like shi* every day.  Middle SD had something up her rear I could never understand.  She sick so you can understand any of this.  Instead of being thankful for a house to live in, food to eat,  name clothing, vacations. She could not stand it . Her BF.  CS was one $35 check.  And one Christmas some $ store crap.  What we could not give the kids. How do you put $ store gifts under a Christmas tree with 1000 of $ worth of gifts.? 

BMs for us were out of the picture - SKIDs were still not behaving very great. It seems that there's always an excuse for poor behavior for SKIDs, but what if just accepted that the SKIDs are responsible for their behavior and the choices they make? Of course parental alienation is real but there's a CHOICE in whether to accept that or not. Lazy, ungrateful and rude behavior continued into their adulthood and they are exactly who they are without the BM influence. 

Yes, most difinitely it would make a difference if the description of "if the BM was actually pleasant and things were amicable and if your skids were likeable, decent and well adjusted people?" is legitimate and not a manipulative facade to put one over on anyone else.

What you describe is what DW and I expected and hoped for from the shallow and polluted end of my SS's gene pool.  Though that end of his gene pool is so putrid that they are beyond salvage.

What you describe is likely what any SParent expects and hopes for from their Skids and their mate's failed family.

SS-31 on the other hand, is likeable, decent and well adjusted.  In the lexicon of STalker Skids, he has always been a pretty good person.  Nothing more than the occassional, usual, and customary teen boy brain farts.  As an adult, his single major irritating behavior is that he is not a great communicator.  About every 6wks or so we have to threaten to send a hit man to take him out if we do not receive proof of life from him. 

The SpermClan on the otherhand, are all anything but likeable, decent and well adjusted.

The adults are combative, manipulative POS people.  SS's three  younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas include spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.  My SS is the only one not raised splashign around full time in that genetic shit puddle and is thriving as a viable adult and a man of honor, character, and standing in his life, profession, and community.

Mammals are generally not behaviorally modeled to take on the offspring of others.  Certainly there are regular examples contrary to that premise. But generally mammals do not invest resources or effort in offspring not their own.  With caveats of course.

Early in our relationship I had what can only be described as a periodic visceral revulsion to my Skid's presence.  It was not a mental process. It was a physical gut wrenching thing.  It is generally not natural for some other person's kid to invade our lives.   I gained some clarity on all of this while DW and I were dating.  I was lying on the sofa in my place during a break from class one day dozing and watching Animal Planet. The show was on this topic.  Lions were prominant in the show.  When a male lion takes over a pride the first thing he does is kill the cub offspring of his predecessor. This puts the females into estress and shifts the efforts of the pride to providing for the new male's offspring.  There were other animals on the special that behaved similarly.  A few birds, etc.

Fortunately, we are not animals and have the benefit and responsibility of intellect.  I knew I wanted to make a life with an incredible young woman. To do that I also knew I had to be a dad to her toddler.  We figured it out as we went along and have created a solid family.   I took the actions of loving this little boy. I played with him, read to him, carried  him on my shoulders, we chased ducks together around the golfcourse that my then GF's apartment was on and around the lake my condo was on, we chased each other through McD's play scapes, his mom and I held his hands as we walked while he giggled "swing me!!!".  I love that kid beyond measure. Though at 31yo I am sure as hell not letting him ride on my shoulders nor are his mom and I swinging him as we walk around.

So, IMHO, there is a biological attraction/revulsion involved with acceptance of BKs or Skids in our lives.

The characteristics that those kids perpetrate, can either mitigate some of those feelings of revulsion, or build a level of acceptance. Certainly a crap BioParent can impact those feelings as much or even more than the kids actual behaviors.

In my animal planet informed opinion of course.

I can't claim to know what our BM has been feeling or thinking over the years, but she has always been fair to deal with. She comes across as confident and happy, and I think she just wants what is best for her kids. They have always had her "permission" to have a positive relationship with me, so we've been able to see the good in eachother, even through some tough years. So, yes I do care about my SKs but I think that was made possible by having a normal BM who raised normal kids. I can't imagine dealing with some of the lunatic BMs I read about here. 

I read every post with interest. Thank you for this thread. It's really making me wonder what it would be like if SS was genuinely easy to get along with. In the beginning, it did seem possible to get along. I made plans for us to do things together, we had eating competitions, game nights, movie nights, etc. The end came when SS realized that there were going to be times when he wasn't the center of our (especially dad's) attention all the time. He became extemely jealous and never gave me another chance again. But even before that, SS would complain, sulk, etc if he didn't feel like hanging out with us. He would only cooperate if he had absolutely no chance that a friend was online or something. But at the time, I made a lot of excuses for him. I do feel that had he been different, I would have gotten along with him easily. I've always gotten along well with kids, preteens, and teens among my extended family and church, etc.

BM in my situation is a narc to the extreme, but the way she exhibited it is that she didn't think I was a threat at all, not even a tiny little bit. After all, she is the most beautiful, the most charming, the mostest most of all. When I wasn't around, she tried to "hoover' dh. I suppose because she thought that secretly, of course, he preferred her. In a way, I do think when I met him, he was still a little under her trance. I think the same was true in regards to SS. She never even thought for a nanosecond that I could be a threat one way or another. Far from it, she was frequently pushing SS on us, partly for free babysitting, and partly to sabotage any plans dh and I might have. But at one point, SS was asking to stay with dh and me permanently (despite everything!!), and dh said that she looked really hurt. After that, she stopped pushing SS on us as hard, and now, apparently, she stokes SS's dislike of me and gloats about it. As for the biology, I feel like her narcissism makes everything more about aggrandizing herself rather than protecting her child (and she's done some devastating things to SS). So she's the exception?

Edited to add: Just to be clear, bjectively speaking I don't think anyone would agree that BM is the most beautiful of all. Just wanted to add that her grandiosity is not justified in reality if that wasn't already clear.

So interesting reading this !!! My partner doesn't quite understand why I don't bond much with his kids or even love them. I never had any maternal instinct and obviosly I am not going to have it with kids that are not mine. Sometimes I feel bad about it and even think that he might be better off with someone that loves kids more. And then sometimes I think I am too hard with myseld and what I feel is natural.

Reading all this makes me feel seen and understood, so thank you. In my case BM doesn't seem to care about her kids spending time with me, I am actually pretty shocked when they come for a week or more and she doesn't even call me to see how they are doing. I think she is more invested in looking for a boyfriend right now and any time without kids is welcome which I hate haha...

I do get on well with SD9, the middle one. She has the typical kids things like not listening sometimes or being too insisting, but I think I just connect with her for the same reason you connect with some ppl and not who other I guess. She liked me too. I don't feel too awkward telling her off and I actually enjoy her company. With the eldest and the little is different, it doesn't feel natural at all and it is a  effort sometimes to just interact with them. They irritate me often and made me wonder if I can do this. And they are not even horrible I just can't feel it.

I think it is natural to not feel that. I think we feel forced to connect and bond with someone and that is just not how love works. Ans the more our partner wants us to bond the more unnatural it feels, at least for me. We also have to deal with ways to raise kids that we disagree with and feeling powerless bc sometimes we don't really have a say. We basicly feel like we have to take other's ppl shit. If you add the space invasion and the jealously for both parts... veeeeery difficult. 

+ lack of understanding most BParents have with Sparents and external judgement from most ppl that have mo idea how this is.

YES! I was 25 when DH and I started dating and was totally naive. I DID think that BM and I could actually be friends. Turns out she couldn't even be civil. She has BPD and I'm starting to suspect SD14 does too. If they were decent human beings, then I definitely think things could be different. But if that were the case, the I'm sure DH and her would have never gotten divorced in the first place. Many HCBM also had issues while they were married, so not surprising that they continue to have issues when "co-parenting".

The "ick" most SMs have are when the spawn show the same characteristics as HCBM. SD14 is confrontational, high-strung, and causes drama. DH is laid-back, easy going, and has a goofy personality. SD14 just didn't take those qualities from him... the main reasons I fell in love with DH in the first place. 

I don't really think not being "blood" has much to do with it. I'm a teacher and LOVE kids in general. Obviously students aren't mine, but 99% of them have endearing qualities that make them enjoyable to be around. 

Yet I feel like she was manipulative throughout life and from beyond the grave. She insisted on having children despite being born with a terminal illness, lied through her teeth about how she's going to defy the stats and live until the kids are teens (who'd want to inflict that on kids of any age??), conceived on IVF (that she didn't pay for), had a grand old time using my BF as a nurse and a purse (she and her family were multigenerational welfare users), and on her death bed said that she expected him to "be able to raise kids on his own". 
 

She and her whole immediate family were walking bags of severe illnesses and disorders, all easily heritable. The kids are a handful, but at least we managed to get them diagnosed and medicated. A massive upside is that they've accepted me from the beginning, and that they do have kind little hearts. Nevertheless, there are so many issues to be addressed over the coming years that make me regret I never got to meet her so that I could give her a good shake.