Stuck with a child you BOTH dislike?
What do you do when you are stuck with a child that you AND your SO dislike?
A bit of background: I'm a 34 year old man who recently married an amazing 41 year old recently divorced woman who has 3 kids from her first marriage: son 17, daughter 11, and daughter 5, and now we are expecting a 4th child (my first!). I get along great with my stepson, and the 5 year old. They are both eager to please and very polite and friendly and communicative. My problem lay with the 11 year old. For lack of a better word, she's a bitch. Even my wife doesn't like her. According to her, they have always butted heads - she apparently came out of the womb angry at her mother, and it's just gotten worse from there.
I was warned while we were dating that she was a pill most of the time, so I kinda knew what to expect. But it's beyond anything I could imagine. She is fine at school and with other people - everyone loves her! She's smart and creative, and high energy - but at home she is rude and disrespectful, angry, insolent, argumentative, loud, obnoxious, etc. I could go on.
We both dislike her with the white-hot intensity of a thousands suns. Well, perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point.
Her dad is remarried and also has another child and blended family of his own, but he doesn't want her. So we are stuck with her. She's been in therapy, and it did nothing. She refused to talk. The only time she's friendly or cooperative is when you are buying her something she wants. And sadly her grandparents buy her whatever she wants. She doesn't even play with most of the crap she supposedly "has" to have. It's sickening.
I guess I should be glad that me and my wife are both in agreement about her, but it doesn't make it any easier. Does anyone have any tips about dealing with a child who you both can't stand, but can't get rid of?
And yes I have tried many many times to connect with her, to bond, etc. it's useless!
- Caleb
How horrible for the child.
How horrible for the child. No one wants her? I am sure she can cut the negativity with a knife.
Let's see both Mom and Dad are recently divorced. Both Mom and Dad have quickly moved on with new significant others, and both Mom and Dad have new children with said significant others...all this is what kind of time frame?
Did anyone (the 4 adults) in this situation think about the kids at all??
I agree, like a self
I agree, like a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts...
Amen Tommar. What if she
Amen Tommar. What if she hates YOUR child with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns? I hear about a LOT of bratty skids on here who's step parents bend over backward for. Those are the ones I'll give advice to. For you , Caleb, I have nothing. I will pray for your SD though, for her to grow up and have a good life away from you people. Although good luck with your baby- hope either you or your wife don't "butt heads from birth" with him or her. Reprehensible.
Thank you for defending me.
Thank you for defending me.
Ok ok, calm down folks. It
Ok ok, calm down folks. It seems many of you are reading way more negativity into my original post than I was intending. Neither my wife nor I HATE her, or do we mistreat her in any way. We try to engage her, keep her busy with her hobbies and interests, I TALK to her constantly in an effort to get her to soften up toward us. I've never said anything unkind to her, or within earshot of her. I WANT to like her. I WANT to love her as my stepdaughter, but she just simply doesn't seem to want to be a part of our family. She refuses to follow any house rules, do any chores, etc. we've taken away almost every thing/privilege she owns at various times in an effort to get her to cooperate and give her consequences for her behavior. Nothing works. It's like she wont allow herself to BE disciplined.
I am NOT ok with this situation. I say "we are stuck with her", because that's what it feels like. I don't like that my wife and I find her so annoying right now. I'm TRYING to make this situation better for us AND for her. I know she doesn't like it here, but I don't know what else we are supposed to do? I've read book after book about child psychology and step-parenting. I'm setting a good example of open communication and sincerity, kind behavior toward my wife and the children, etcetera. But she doesn't respond to any of it. What do you do when your child simply doesn't behave nicely despite your best efforts? we can't let her walk all over us. And just so everyone knows - this is not simply our perception. Just this evening the 5 year old came up to me and asked "why is ******* so mean?" All I could say is "I don't know."
I'm not expecting a magical answer to my problem, but I am looking for some kind of assurance that I'm not the only person out there who has to live with a child who seems to hate your guts for no reason.
- Caleb
Boarding school is the
Boarding school is the answer. She needs to learn to follow rules of common conduct, express her feelings in a healthy way when dysregulated, and it is best that she not learn those things from you, but from a place where structure is superimposed.
If she is as smart and creative as you say, many schools will want her. Find some, apply and apply for scholarships.
I don't think 'lovin life'
I don't think 'lovin life' above stepchild example works, lots of stepchildren are instantly in dislike of their step parent. This one doesn't like anyone in her family, Mom, Step, siblings. I assume Dad's in that group also. Sounds like you've got one smart kid on your hands, she instantly stymied her counselor by the simplest tactic around. Silence. I like the boarding school option and it's worth discussing with her as she may jump at the chance. Unless her parents options are financially limiting let her pick the type: military or civilian and if civvy what sort of curriculum?
In school you're reporting her perfectly normal, to her teachers, peer group, et.al. She's not destructive, she's doing her share of chores as asked. Apparently its all verbal. Sounds to me like you've come to the correct conclusion: you're stuck.
You would be amazed by the
You would be amazed by the power an 11 year old girl can hold.
The skid in my life was 11 and pulling this same shit with H and I. She went from kid to teen in 3 seconds flat. Uncommunicative and completely anti-social. She was also in counseling and had her counselor completely fooled. Told her what she wanted to hear and ended up pulling the wool over her eyes and our eyes.
Oh she was an ANGEL with Uberskank (BM), her friends, her teachers, etc. But around us, it was she was the female version of Hannibal Lecter. Cold, snarky and only nice when she wanted something.
All you can do is set a standard, hold her to it and stay consistent. If she acts out, make sure the punishment fits the crime. Don't over do it or over react. If you are removing electronics or privileges and she acts like she doesn't care, don't worry. Something will come up and she'll start caring. Don't be fooled by any nice act, which will strictly be manipulation to get what she wants.
Try not to be negative around her, don't overly praise her when she's behaving appropriately because sometimes she may not realize she's doing it. If you point it out, she'll clam up again. Instead, treat her as pleasantly as she's treating you and your W.
However, keep her in counseling. There have been huge changes in her life in the last few years. The middle child can take it the hardest because they tend to be forgotten emotionally. They are not the oldest, who is assumed to know what is going on at home. And they're not the youngest, so they're not being protected. She probably feels very alone and now a new baby is on the way. Something else to make her feel insignificant.
A lot of parents don't like to acknowledge that divorce is difficult for the kids, even in the best of circumstances. I'm not talking about coddling them but I am talking about finding out what her feelings are and acknowledging them. Not kowtowing to her or treating her with kid gloves. I'm talking about plain old compassion and understanding.
Good luck. This is a tough age to figure out with girls. They're neither fish nor fowl and they often act out because they don't know where they're supposed to fit in with the family. Or with their friends.
ETA - I suggested keeping her in counseling not because there is something wrong with her, but to give her a safe environment to talk about her feelings. Something she's not able to do with her mother, father or siblings.
I feel for the kid. She's
I feel for the kid. She's been rejected by her own "dad." She's a preteen dealing with wacky hormonal changes. She might have something psychologically going on. I think your dw needs to take her to a doctor to start to see what's going on. The doctor can point her in the right direction. She definitely needs counseling to help her with her issues about her sperm donor.
Good point often overlooked
Good point often overlooked is a complete physical exam. Not just a pre-sports listen to the heart and lungs, but blood, stool, urine tests and x-rays as appropriate.
My short answer is you
My short answer is you haven't found the right therapist yet that can connect with her. Keep trying until you do and you see some sort of progress. In the meantime, do your best to show her how wanted and loved she is. Even when it's not easy.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the reasonable advice. We're not giving up on her, and I do sincerely hope it's just a phase that time will remedy. I'm just impatient. We all have to grow and learn at our own pace, and I need to accept that. In the mean time all I can do is try to set a good example for everyone in my family.