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To stay or not to stay?

Perryslady's picture

Part 1( total time including marrigae of this relationship is 7 yrs)
~I'm to the point to where I feel like ending my marriage.
~I have dealt with alienation for 5.5 years and not sure if I can take much more.
~My husband is a sweet loving man, been so good to me, better than anyone, but when his kids act up and refuse to accept me and changes he reacts badly because he can't handle them not wanting to be here.
~The BM has helped them not like me, nor ever accepted me.
~She has never helped them accept new things/changes nor me.
~They did like me for awhile then it stopped. ~I went from being cool, to phony and fake. (Age 8 and 11at the time) mmmm,
~Bm starting changing times with my DH and his time with the kids. If we were running late the youngest girl would start rubbing her tummy and saying she doesn’t feel good and say to her dad to hurry back to her moms. SO he would, instead of saying we are on vacation and I will do my best to you both back safely.
~Dh tells me he made her think she got her way, so in turn he could have the kids any time he wanted. But this was wrong because I feel that there were no boundaries and then she still had control of him like she did when they were married.
~Dh’s ex was controlling of him when they were married! Hated his parents, his friends, she told him numerously that if he did not stop his relationship with family and friends that she would take his girls and move away and he would never see them( his kids).
………………………………..
Just to clarify, I am not the other woman. My DH was divorced from his ex for 6 yrs B4 me! Get this: She was having an affair with Dh best friends BIL, her frnds brother. Then a few years she dumps this guy then goes with her best friend’s ex husband, her BF’s BIL! Then has boyfriends galore! But Dh cant have one woman in his life since the divorce?
…………………………………………………………………………………………
So my dilemma is: I love my DH with all my heart.
But my stress level is going bad, and crying and feeling hurt.
~The kids basically said the only way it would be better that if he divorced me, that would be the only fix.
~They have made up lies about me, then try to get my DH and to fight, and he thinks they won’t lie, well he has found out differently!
~There is so much more…I’m at my wits end.
~In process of finding a consoler that deals with alienation, will find out on Wednesday.
~My DH is hurting and can’t sleep….
~Doesn’t want to lose his kids but doesn’t want to lose me too.
~It is not fair to him to choose.
~Nor fair to me to be punished for being in love with him.

losingmymind's picture

I think that you need to make sure that you have explored all avenues before you just throw in the towel. I think by what you are saying that your DH needs to wake up and smell the poo on the floor.

Counseling? That would help I think.

Have you sat him down and let him read this or maybe some other posts on this site. They can be eye opening if he is receptive. It would at least show him that we all have these issues and just have to find the common ground together.

Perryslady's picture

i know.

it is just hard. and i hate to see him down. he loves his kids so much that losing them to him is like they died.

i just want the crap to stop. i could see it if was wicked and evil. im just different than the BM , diferent rules, different ways, thats it. everyone is diferent!

Most Evil's picture

It is up to him. But there is no way I would throw in the towel if I were you. They are children and should not be given the power to control his or your life. If he breaks up with you that is one thing, but I would flat out refuse to leave to make everyone else happy, that is BS.

Stand strong, together - if they don't want to see him, it may be more peaceful for you both anyway. I know it is sad but you cannot fight a rising tide of hate from the kids and their BM. Then the kids will bear the consequences of their actions and will have to decide - and maybe not getting presents, vacation, etc. unless they contribute to maintaining your relationship, politely spend time with you and treat you with respect may change their mind.

This is all just a power play on the kids and BM's part anyway. Don't fall for it, you giving in to this emotional blackmail will hurt the kids development in the long run too. They need to know they are not the center of the universe.

Most Evil

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

sixxnguns's picture

I had the same dilemma. Fiancee's son is a spoiled, over codded brat who thinks everything should be handed to him, his exwife is a selfish. manipulative, sh*t-talking poor excuse of a human.And I was going to move out and get my own place. This woman slandered me on the internet, starts arguments with my fiancee in front of their son, and SS hasn't changed a bit since we got together, mind you fiancee's family are small minded bigots. I was sick of being the afterthought in every situation. My fiancee decided to give up 50/50 custody and let her have SS fulltime because of the drama he AND his mother cause for us. And believe me it hasn't been easy for him. He feels guilty about it but I told him, he'll still visit and we'll have some sanity at least. And SS will have more stability WITH instability by not being carted back and forth every other week. SS hasn't changed for the better in this situation so he's going to live with his mom and will see us twice a month on weekends. And it's been agreed that if he's still going to be a butthead when visiting on weekends he won't be allowed over here until he changes his attitude. It's not always about the kids, you two deserve to be happy also! Smile I understand it will be hard for him to choose but these kids have to realize the world doesn't revolve around them and their father deserves to be happy too. It's sad that these BM's can't grow up and show their children the mature way to deal with things but thats the sad reality of things. We're sick of being partially blamed for her being a crappy parent so she can do it on her own and when Child Services shows up at her house we won't have anything to do about it. I know if I was in the prediciment I would have my daughter go live with her father fulltime. But she has adjusted to this situation alot more easily then SS has...he's spoiled by everyone around him which doesn't help us on this end.

NaturallyMom's picture

I agree with Most Evil too. Look, in the end it is you and him. It is so hard to not quit but maybe YOU are HIS consoler which would stink for you. Did you marry your best friend? IF so, this is one of the horrible parts about marrying your best friend.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln