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So tired

MayCorine85's picture

Does anyone else feel like they lose control whenever SK comes over?? I literally feel like the whole atmosphere of my house changes including my husband and I dont know what to do. I am at such a point right now. My SD has been with us the past month due to her mother being in the hospital. It has been hard on everyone and we have no idea when she will be out. I know I might sound selfish, but im tired. My DH works mostly all day, so its just SD, my 1 year old twins, and me all day. So all the responsibilities fall on me for everyone and with BM being sick, all the other stuff SD has to do falls on me too. I am a teacher and just feel I have been robbed of my whole summer and dont see a break coming anytime soon. I have such different thoughts on rules and consequences that SD, which is 12 should be doing all day. It mostly just games, phone, and and eating. When I try to give chores or implement consequences, ots really not enforced by DH which makes SD just not pay attention to doing it. I know its a difficult time right now, but this is too much at once for me. I need structure in my house. I just dont know anymore. My mind is so ready to just check out.


Katoglow's picture

I know what you mean about the atmosphere of the house changing. I have adult skids and they make me very uncomfortable. Whenever they call or come over I am filled with dread and anxiety. They are takers.. just take and take.. their dad, my DH, has always given them everything he can. I have had to remind him that things are tight and it really bothers the skids bc they are used to getting every last penny, crumb, drop, etc. They are very judgmental and make me feel very uncomfortable. Bc they are adults and are still taking, I feel there is no end ever in sight. They will be here forever. I have to clean up after them, we cook for them, we make car payments. I don’t have to change diapers but pretty close!! I’m so sorry for your predicament. You are not alone, and this is a great place to vent. Maybe speak to your DH and let him know how you feel. Bc BM is ill, things are especially stressful I’m sure. Good luck to you and hang in there.

SteppedOut's picture

STINKS your summer off and time with your babies is being ruined by a feral kid. 

She is 12, and should be capable of doing for herself. Leave as often as possible - go to the zoo, visit family/friends, etc. as much as possible---without SD. (Check laws on age kids can be left home alone.) Let her stay in her room and stare at her phone all day, who cares. 

As for any mess she makes or "thing" she doesn't do... make your husband deal with it when he gets home. He can do it or make her, who cares as long as you aren't.  But, I do get it. Working around a feral kid all day, everyday, is hard- sucks the life out of you.

Jcksjj's picture

Omg yes. I've said to DH so many times that I hate how the entire dynamic of the house changes every other week and how stressful that is but he doesn't get it at all. His response is just that I act different when shes there - yeah because I'm miserable and just want to leave.

Kes's picture

Being a mother to 1 yr old twins is a full time job and then some!  without having to also take care of a 12 yr old.  If I were you, I would take my twins and go and stay with relatives or just rent an Airbnb for a couple of weeks and tell DH he can make whatever arrangements he sees fit for his daughter.  It is really not up to you, to pick up the slack because BM is in hospital long term.  

susanm's picture

Sci-fi books and movies are full of mad scientists trying to invent weather machines to control the world.  Clearly they have overlooked the power of teenage girls to bring stormclouds gathering within seconds of their arrival.  Are there any camps or classes to sign her up for in your area?  Art or drama or sports or whatever she may find interesting?  If not, I agree with the other posters.  Just get out of the house as much as possible and let her wallow in her own hormones for the foreseeable future.

shamds's picture

tense and the home that should be your home you suddenly don’t feel like it is your home...

late last year i disengaged as i had reached my limit and this was 4 years after marrying hubby and having 2 kids with him... 

my dad always says the skids were effed up way before you. Your husband is so used to how dysfunctional things were that its a hard adjustment being with sane normal people meaning me and our kids

i know it hurts hubby when you don’t wanna be around his kids but end of the day a parent must understand logic. If you aren’t pleasant but instead rude and disrespectful well no one wants to waste their time around you.. 

you know I remember a moment when my daughter was maybe 2-3 months old and ss then 17 had a favourite steak restaurant he liked to eat so hubby messaged me and said hey if you haven’t started cooking dinner or can’t be bothered then come along. So i got bubs ready as we would leave right after hubby got home from work.

We get there, order food and ss disappears for like 20 mins and then food arrives, i was feeding bubs and she was comfy and hubby wanted to hold her so i could eat first since he knew I rarely got time to eat breakfast or lunch but i said its ok you go ahead first as bubs is comfy. Anyways hubby finished dinner in about 5-10 mins and takes bubs so i start eating.

I am literally on my 2nd mouthful when ss17 starts shouting at hubby “i’m done and finished dinner!! Come on come on lets go home!!” 

It was bloody obvious i was eating and ss knew this. Hubby looked at me, looked at his son, looks at me again and looks at his son and says “can’t you see your stepmum is eating still, she only just started eating so we need to wait for her to finish. Seriously can’t you see??”  Ss rolls his eyes and looks at the ceiling like he was playing dumb and didn’t see. Hypocritical thing is if he disappears for 20-30 mins to buy crap, and we have finished dinner, we have to wait patiently for him to finish.

it was one of my earliest moments where i realised there were issues and i had just turned s blind eye to it. Honestly when pregnant and after giving birth i would amp up addressing these major issues affecting family harmony at home, heck i could blame it on pregnancy and post partum hormones but these were legitimate issues.

my dad often said turn a blind eye to ss, ignore he is there and go about day as usual. That became easier to do when i started university studies again and i was busy reading, doing assignments etc... i zoned ss out and didn’t give a stuff if he came home or left. 

Its hard initially but you realise like there is a weight lifted off your chest that never should have been there in the first place. You have twins which is such a tough situation to be in. A mum once told me no matter what, take care of you first because if you aren’t ok, your kids won’t be.

you should be enjoying their childhood, so if you have family around ask if you can stay a bit. If not book an airbnb for a week to relax... i know it means hubby is not there to parent the twins and help out with bedtime but don’t ever think just because he works that he gets off scot free

sadly there are alot of idiots in the workd who think sahm do nothing all day and we get to sleep in etc. The laundry and cooking and housework doesn’t do itself, the babies don’t bathe and feed themselves do they? Mums have a 24/7 job while alot of men may just have a 9-5 job. They think they had a tough day at work and they come home and its sleep time.

i try my best to get alot of chores done but some days are just crap if kids and you are sick so not much gets done but you need to speak up for yourself and just say “hubby i know you are tired when you get home from work, but it would mean alot if you see a load of laundry needs to be done or hung that you do it, trash needs to be emtied everydayd” start off with 2 chores that he does eveyday then when he gets the hang of it then add another 1 or 2. Honestly these are things that takes barely 10-15 mins of his time which is way more productive that sleeping on the couch watching tv...

it takes a whole household to run a home. Sd should help out with chores. Heck there are 2-3 yr olds trained to help put dirty laundry in the washing machine so there is no excuse for a 6yr old to sit on her arse. Tell hubby it’s inconsiderate and she needs to pull her weight. Start her off with starting a load of laundry, she is taught to put dirty clothes in the washing machine, the right amount of laundry detergent and fabric softener etc and to hang it on the clothes line. When she does it hubby can say thankyou very much and reward her when she has done very well for a while doing chores... 

nothing pissed me off more than after giving birth and seeing a child/skid sit on their arse sleeping, eating and computer games all day when you are sleep deprived and barely any time to eat. And don’t start me on those people who claim well ss never wanted or chose to have kids so why should he help out when he never had to before, sad but these words do come out of fellow mums. as parents we teach our kids to be productive members of society and positive role models. 

What happens when they or their wife have kids, do you think they’d be happy seeing others sit on their arse? Of course not!

tankh21's picture

I feel the same anxiety is heightened when I know that OSS is coming over. I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but, I know once again that I would have to deal with OSS. I get so tired of dealing with all the crap when he comes over. I know exactly how you feel OP. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Other posters have given good advice. I would leave for the summer and let your DH deal with SD. I leave a lot and go to my family's house when OSS is there.

flmomma08's picture

I know exactly what you mean. My DD loves when SD is here, so I try to just remember that to get me through it, but your kids are probably too young to care whether she is there or not.

Did you and your DH agree that SD would stay with you all day every day for the summer? I would say that your DH needs to find his own childcare for SD. It is not your responsibility to watch her.

Siemprematahari's picture

When I try to give chores or implement consequences, ots really not enforced by DH which makes SD just not pay attention to doing it

Since you're the one mainly with her due to your H's work hours and he doesn't want to enforce your chores or implement consequences....then he should look for alternate care. He can't have it both ways. Either she follows your rules or he hires someone to babysit her. Plain and simple! You shouldn't be stressed because he can't parent and follow through, that's on him. Hope her mother has a speedy recovery and arrives home soon.