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Skids’ acceptance (or lack thereof) of SP influenced by other bio-parent having a partner?

MorningMia's picture

I always felt like the skids' resentment of me and our marriage was based on, first, feeling they had to share their father; and, secondly (and strongly), "protecting" their mother, who has remained single and has played the victim of God knows what. I used to wish so much that she would recouple so that her/their energies would focus elsewhere. She instead indicated to the kids that she sacrificed her own needs for them. Well, lady, they're adults now. What's your excuse? But I digress. 

Do you believe that the other parent remarrying (or not) impacted your situation? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think it has to do with feelings of security on the part of the BM and/or the skids. In my case, as a BM, i encouraged my bios to like and appreciate their dad's gf. If they said the gf did something nice for them, i made sure to comment on how nice it was for her to go out of her way. I've been divorced 14 years now, and sometimes i had a partner and sometimes i didn't. But i have always felt secure that i can't be replaced as their mother. This comes from knowing i've always done my best for them. I also have no desire to get back with my ex. Whether or not i have a partner, that doesn't change. My kids never had any problems with their dad's girlfriends. Also, though, i have to say, their dad didn't put the girlfriends in any position to have to do "mom" things. My kids had daycare before and after school and on school holidays when they were at both houses. The girlfriends never had to take care of the kids alone. My ex worked a regular 8-5 job. My ex also demanded my kids be respectful of all adults, in fact, he was more of a disciplinarian than i was. He wasn't afraid to be the "bad guy."

As far as my step-situation, i don't live with them so it makes it easier. I honestly feel that my SO and both BMs are still in competition with each other and there's a lot of insecurity as far as roles. TBH none of the parents are very "on top of things." I took the bait and took on a mom role with SS20, and it caused all kinds of hard feelings. I think BM2 must feel insecure in her role. I still have a polite relationship with the skids but it's because the SSs both are pretty respectful now. SS14 had some behavior issues when younger and i stepped WAY back. He didn't want me disciplining and I couldn't handle some of his behaviors, so i didn't move forward. And i won't, not until dealing with the BM and/or living with skids is off the table. 

MorningMia's picture

It had to be especially difficult being a NORMAL BM, likely expecting the same when you entered the relationship with SO, and then getting smacked with the dysfunction. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The part that got me the most was the lack of schedule. I thought for sure, if you have joint custody, there must be a schedule so the kids know where they will be sleeping on any given night, and everyone else does too. I didn't realize that some people have 10 conversations each day to figure out where the kids will sleep that night. And that the last consideration on the list was what's best for the kids. 

Elea's picture

These are probably the same people who had 10 conversations to figure out where the kids will sleep that night even PRIOR to divorce. The same type of parents that don't always even sleep in the same bed but they co-sleep with their kids until they're 12 years old. Some people are really strange.

Rags's picture

DW recoupled, with me, when SS was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.

The Spermidiot recoupled nightly if not more while he was still playing happy family with my DW (then 16-17) and SS (then newborn to 1yo).  Spermidiot was 23 when SS was born.  DW finished HS with SS on her hip and then moved out of state to attend Uni, also with SS on her hip.  She went on to complete a dual major undergrad, a graduate degree, a professional certification, and a successful career.

The Spermidiot went on to a serial statutory rapist career, spawned 3more oowl spawn with two more baby mamas, married a 16yo to stay out of statutory rapist prison, divorced her a few months after the custody hearing where SpermGrandHag tried to steal SS from my DW, and became a voluntarily underemployed licensed plumber to avoid CS as much as his idiot brain told him he could.  The three younger SpermIdiot spawn were raised by the SpermClan while the SpermGPs paid the baby mamas CS as long as the SpermClan could retain possession of spawn #2, #3, &#4.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.

Our son, my SS-31, is kicking ass in his adult life and is a man of character, honor, and of standing in his profession and community.

#2 detests the Spermidiot, #3 & #4 adore him and are living his dream of being gangbangers. Spermidiot is a gangbanger wannabe as no gang would take his Opie Cunningham Howdy Doody looking self.  His two youngest are biracial and sadly can be what gangbanger wannabe Spermidiot could not.

SS never expressed that he resented me. His mom would not have tolerated it he had. Neither would I.  Because we started out blended family when he was so young, this was not an issue.  SS is sharp.  He knew that what his Spermidiot was doing in his serially statutory rapist and other relationships was not anything to envy.  Even as a young pre double digit aged kid.  As an adult, SS has written off his Spermidiot and sadly his SpermClan half sibs and SpermGPs.  They make zero effort with SS, he reciprocates their effort after trying for some number of years to stay in contact.

MorningMia's picture

OMG, I am rolling. *ROFL*:  . . . no gang would take his Opie Cunningham Howdy Doody looking self
You do have a way with words. 

Your DW, as you well know, is amazing! Both of you took what could have been such a horribly difficult situation and made it work. 

Kes's picture

BM was a nightmare both before and after she found a new partner, about a year after DH and I got together- though probably worse before. She ruined a decade of my life. 

athena2776's picture

The BM has a partner but the skids are just as rude and unable to see their parents as separate entities who can and should move on. Of course, my partner and the BM have not done the work to do enable this to happen. BM's partner and me are treated like outsiders (oh we're invited to the family gatherings, but that's the issue. It's still THE FAMILY gatherings, like they never ever divorced. 
I wish I had never got involved. It's broken my soul. 

MorningMia's picture

I'm sorry! How old are the kids? What have the discussions been like between you and your partner? 

Harry's picture

Kids want both bio parents together, " Happy Family". Having those Saturday evening Post magazine picture of Christmas. They will never like the new person preventing this. You lost that war.  and because BM is nuts she can't find a person to have a relationship with.  She knows she lost her chance of a relationship.

This puts you in a no win prosition.  You must live your life with out SK being part of it.  They visit to see there BF. That ok. He should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, transportation ect.  You only do what you enjoy doing, as doing it for you,not SK. 
You can't fight the world, 

Rags's picture

Sadly, Norman Rockwell and all of those Saturday Evening Post moments are long gone. 

That art if done today would be of individuals in opposite ends of a house, one with drooling game face on wearing headphones locked in a stinky room surrounded by packaged food debris, one would be on their phone watching TicToc videos or making them, or more likely calling CPS to file a false report or abuse.  Any little one would be sitting alone trying to stick a fork in a power plug while anyone else was not paying attention because they never pay attention.  One would look shell shocked slouching hugging themselves shaking their head (that would be the SParent), while the last would have their phone to their ear read faced and screaming (that would be the partner who brought the baggage).  Regardless of the NCP or CP side of the world. It would be predominantly the same when paited at the other home.

Not much idealic about the modern version.  What where many of us thinking marrying into this distopian fantasy?


MorningMia's picture

Actually, if anyone "won," it was me. (So sad that these situations so often are turned into situations of winners or losers.) The skids (adults now) for the most part do not come here. I put my foot down about that. DH normally goes elsewhere to see them. That's the agreement we came up with 10 or so years ago. It has worked well. Change of pace for both of us...DH sees ingrates, takes them out for dinners and buys them things, gets reminded that he is treated like s*** for the most part, wakes up a little bit, and comes home more grateful for me and our marriage--his safe, loving space; I get together with girlfriends, have spa days, or maybe just binge-watch TV with wine. 

Rags's picture

We won too.  DW, SS, and me.   SS is a kind and high performing adult.  DW a truly exceptional person, I got a wonderful equity life partner and a son that I am very proud to have helped raise.

Blessedly, we did not and do not have the toxic Skid thing to navigate for life.  Our esposure to a toxic blended family opposition experience ended when SS-31 launched at 18.  We did have to intervene on his behalf with the SpermClan a couple of times in the few years after he launched. They were hell bend on guilting into repaying them for the 16+ years of CS that they were COd to pay on SS's behalf.  When he refused and we threatened court to go after the $10K+ they owed (and still owe us) for their half of med expenses not covered by insurance, they changed their tactics and just went to directly guilting him to help support his three younger starving half sibs who did not have his advantages.

At that point, he wrote them off.  Though he did attempt to remain in touch.  They made no effort at all once he shut them down on supporting his younger sibs. Over time, he started matching their zero effort. It has been years since he has spoken with any of them.

CLove's picture

My BM Toxic Troll, has ruined two girls who are now becoming women with stunted emotional maturities much like herself.

SD17 Powersulk has become her mini spouse because she has not repartnered. In conversation its hard to discern whree one begins and the other ends because its always we/our/us when speaking of her life "over there". SD ps has said shes had to "make" her mother do this or that, so maybe instead of mini spouse, shes the parent?

I dont think the "acceptance" that I recieved or did not recieve had much to do with the repartnering, but it certainly DID add to the major dysfunction.

MorningMia's picture

Yea, the enmeshment is big in this situation, too--BM and SD. BM's lack of identity is something she passed on to the skids. 

Rags's picture

What person in their right mind or having one iota of self worth would be a retread partner to that subterranean dweller of a POS?


It is sad that FF and PS will be her confidantes, care takers, and victims for their entire lives.  Hopefully a fortuitous meteor strike will vaporaze the TT and all of her kid polluting crap.  Maybe then FF and PS, or at least one of them, will see through the TT's noxious stench producing influence.

One can hope.


shamds's picture

With her married ex high school sweetheart. She played the poor single mother nonsense during the divorce proceedings to get sympathy from friends and ex coworkers from the same company she used to work with my husband before she married as she became a stay at home housewife minus the housework chores whilst my husband was sole income earner. 

moment divorce cert issued she married in secret that guy who left his wife for her. It was very hush-hush that skids didn't even know biomum was hobagging around. They came back from school and biomum was waiting and told them they had a new daddy and she got married.

you can imagine the shock and trauma skids were going through especially as divorce was just finalised. Add to that biomum went on a smear campaign that my husband was gonna be a lonely old man that nobody wanted him and she could get sny man at the snap of her fingers. That is what i call a woman with no standards. A narc who can't accept that she has to be financially responsible for her own self, so needs to milk any man.

anyways, fast forward 5 yrs post divorce, me and hubby were introduced by mutual friend and we hit it off. Got married just over a year later. Bio mum went livid telling a sil of hubby how our marriage wasn't gonna survive as we do have a bit of an age gap but hubby is young looking for his age. Exwife reckoned hubby hadn't changed his ways. Stupid sil bragged on our wedding day to hubbys sisters about the conversation she had with exwife thinking that almost 30 yrs into her marriage that maybe that would make her a member of the family as she has never been liked as her relationship was the product of an affair too. 

sil is bitter that i was accepted instantly by the family when she had been struggling almost 30 plus years. 

the hypocrisy is i saw sd's real motives early on but hubby was in delusional land. 5 plus yrs they disappeared and cut off contact only to contact hubby referring to us as his new family. Fast forward 1 yr plus and eldest sd calls hubby fake crocodile tears claiming hubby abandoned them for us. Giving him an ultimatum to choose them over us

whats laughable is that bio mum could have an affair, marry in secret and that marriage be accepted and they respect the stepdad as dad yet i was the other woman, demoted and disrespected constantly. 

i told hubby I and our toddlers aould not be made to tolerate this bullsh*t so he could go on meets with them alone. Took hubby another year to finally tell off the eldest he didn't wanna hear her mention biomum and stepdad ever again.

every conversation she would somehow make biomum and stepdad relevant to things like she needed to put them on a pedestal. She sulked big time when hubby put his foot down, in hubbys mind we had 2 kids together whilst biomum never had more kids. The stepdad along with biomum who kicked them out of their home at the earliest opportunity they respected as an authority figure yet hubby and me were at the bottom pit.

they played the victim and got shitty that hubby prefers spending time with us more compared to them and guilt him for it instead of taking a good hard look at themselves and changing their behaviour. Its been 5.5 yrs almost since i had any contact with them, its been the best 5.5 yrs ever.

ss has major resentment of biomum for disowning him in the divorce and has refused to see her probably 12 plus years already 

MorningMia's picture

Ok....our DHs' exes came off the same assembly line. BM had an affair with a married co-worker, told DH to get out, moved the married BF and the kids to another state, then imbedded in kids' minds that their father "abandoned" them because he didn't stay in the home state waiting for them to return (which they did after the love affair ended). 
DH and I met 5 years after the divorce, after BM successfully intervened in two other of DH's relationships (I didn't know that at the time) and he still had to tell the kids that I was not the other woman. WTF! 
Once we married, all hell broke loose (constant harassment, PAS, etc) and BM used the kids as her personal army. Our first two years of marriage were very difficult; we were in counseling within the first year. I finally made the decision to back the B up after one particularly vicious out-of-the-blue (email) attack on me. I was done. She stopped harassing us, but there was fallout from the skids (there had been, anyway), bad behavior during their visits, so they stopped (for the most part) being allowed in our house. 
One sad part is that SS and I got along well at one point, but he eventually got sucked back into the mommy-need vortex. Adulthood did not mature these kids (as we had hoped). We have given them chances and we have tried. They, too, are obsessed with talking incessantly about mommy whenever they are around us (some weird devotional thing), although that is by no means the worst of it. DH goes to visit them. Life is peaceful. 

Chalky.hands's picture

on their kids. Most kids will be loyal to their bio parents who can then easily manipulate the situation. It's called triangulation. If a Bio parent feels insecure or threatened by their ex's new partner, it's easier for them to hate the new partner than doing their inner work. 

In certain cases, bio parents who manipulate their kids against their ex's new partner can be child abuse. If the child has to cohabit with new partner, both parents should try to make it work for the sake of their kid to feel comfortable and have a good relationship with everyone in the house. Some Bio parents make it about themselves by setting kid up against new partner which affects the kid's well being and potentially their relationship with their mom/dad. This is not only damaging the new partner's relationship with child, it is also child abuse.

Dogmom1321's picture

BM was in a serious relationship, living with her boyfriend and his CHILDREN... but I was still blamed when DH and I started dating. That's how bad the PAS was. BM had OBVIOUSLY moved on first, but became HC when she found out DH moved on as well. Not surprising for someone with NPD to have this double standard though. 

MorningMia's picture


Rags's picture

I welcome a high conflict blended family oppostion. Those people tend to be intellectually and character deficient which makes them such entertaining targets when they do stupid shit.

If a kid worships a shit puddle element in their gene pool, that kid needs to see the shit puddle get boiled. Boiling is a key way to sterilize toxicity.

My job is to build the recipe and turn up the heat.  For the high conflict oppostion and so the kids see and learn that the shit side of their family is shit and ..... how being deficient of character and intellect returns painful results.

I advise to not overthink ... them.  Just end them. As quickly and painfully as possible. Unless you enjoy torture, in which case, make it as long and as painful as possible.


Why be the one to feel the pain?  It is far better to be the one to inflict it.

IMHO of course.