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Room sharing on holiday with step-kids!?

Fleet123's picture

Hi,

Please help - am I being unreasonable? My lovely boyfriend has booked ONE hotel room for us and his two children aged 8 and 10 to share for a weeks holiday in Sardinia and I'm not happy with this.

I've been with him less than a year, his kids are lovely, he is a devoted dad who likes to devote all his time and attention to his kids 200% of the time, but I like a it of privacy, a bit of alone time, and dont share the same enthusiasm to entertain his children from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed.

I wanted him to book a family room with a private bedroom and a lounge area with beds for the kids to give us all a bit of privacy and space - is this unreasonable?

secret's picture

I'd be leery about separate rooms with kids that young. A separate bedroom with another part of the room like a lounge, would be much more appropriate - they're usually more expensive, but not by all that much.

Have you told him you'd really prefer not to all be in the same bedroom? Have you offered to pay the difference?

Monchichi's picture

I could afford a holiday to Durban, 2 years ago. I however could only afford one large room with a king bed, kids single bed and a camp cot. If numpty had an issue sharing a room with Polly he had 2 options. Either pay to upgrade the room or not come at all. If I cannot afford more for a holiday and I am the person paying, then it is what it is.

OP does not state who is paying for this holiday.

secret's picture

You're right - it's not her job to make sure his kids have appropriate accommodations. He's already done that. He's also offered HER appropriate accommodations, but she's not happy with them.

It's her job to make sure she has accommodations that are to her taste if she doesn't like what's on the menu... If he takes her out for dinner and says he has a 50$ gift card to use... should she order the 40$ surf and turf and expect that he will pay the difference, should she keep her costs under 25$ to be fair, or should she just offer to pay the difference over 50$? She could always also...refuse to go... lol

ESMOD's picture

I believe her options are fairly clear.

Yes... she could refuse to go on the trip with his kids.

Given the ages of his children, it would be pretty clear that he would normally share a room with his kids when they traveled.

Another option would be for her to book her own room and then he books a room with his kids. (each pays for their own).

If they are trying to keep things affordable, perhaps the suite option would work, but she should be willing to pay more to get the privacy she wants. Of course, he should be willing to share in that extra cost, but he may not be able... as it is, he is already paying for 3 people to go on vacation, so it might not be manageable.

That leaves her with the decision on whether she wants to try this "family" vacation or not.

secret's picture

Exactly - you're the one who needs the alone space.... so pay the difference, and use the room to hide when you've had enough. That's when your boyfriend can take the kids on a super special daddy/child fun time while you crash out and watch sh!t tv in the room for half an hour, away from the kids. A week is a looooonggggg time to spend 24/7 with an 8 and 10 year old.... heck I hide from my own kids sometimes! lol

secret's picture

You're both correct - but he's taking the kids on a vacation - she's the one who is the tag along. She can take it or leave it.

If he wasn't bringing the kids, she'd have the privacy - but if he wasn't bringing the kids, they also wouldn't be there to begin with. But the trip is for them... so he'll likely go without her, anyway, because this trip isn't about her.

hereiam's picture

My lovely boyfriend has booked ONE hotel room for us and his two children

I did not read that she's the tag-along and that the vacation was for and about the kids.

secret's picture

I didn't specifically read that either, I read it in between the lines.

he is a devoted dad who likes to devote all his time and attention to his kids 200% of the time, but I like a it of privacy, a bit of alone time, and dont share the same enthusiasm to entertain his children from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed.

If he's always devoting his time/attention to his kids 200% of the time, and he's enthusiastic about entertaining his kids from wake up to bed time.... it's, I think, a pretty fair assumption that this trip is about them, ad she's welcome to go... but this isn't a trip for her, it's for them.

Disneyfan's picture

Since she is the only one uncomfortable with the accommodations he booked, then paying for a more expensive option is her responsibility.

ESMOD's picture

If you are willing to pay extra to make this happen, fine. I personally have shared a room with my SD's a few times because we didn't have the option of a 2nd room. Either it wasn't available or it wasn't financially a possibility.

I understand how you would want your own privacy but getting more space does cost more money.

Rags's picture

Far from unreasonable IMHO. I would say in an intact initial family it might be more appropriate than with a Bio Parent/Early Step Parent situation.

My wife, the SKid, and I shared rooms several times on holiday over the years and occasionally still do depending on the situation. But, his mom and I married when SS-24 was a toddler so our situation was far different than yours currently is.

Good luck.

hereiam's picture

Personally, I would not be going on a vacation with a BF of less than a year, with his 2 young kids. Just the two of us, sure, but not the kids.

And if I were to go, I would pay the extra to have a suite. If I couldn't afford it or BF wouldn't pay for it, I wouldn't go.

But if I were you, I would re-read your post and really think about this relationship and if it's what you want long term. Right now, a devoted dad who likes to devote all his time and attention to his kids 200% of the time, sounds like a great dad, however, down the road, that "devotion" turns into something else and it makes for a really bad partner.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

If it is affordable then I would get the two rooms or whatever also. Even if they were biokids. It's just nicer when there is a bit more space.

This is a week long vacation. Even he's gonna be tired after 2 nights of no privacy and being up the second they are. Or having to sneak around so you don't wake them up.

Acratopotes's picture

Nope you are not being unreasonable..... you are being daft....

you've met this man and you are only dating a couple of months now, not even a year, already he's out of being in love with you and see you only as a carer for his children... hence the one room for all 4 off you...

Simply tell him you can't go on holiday with them anymore due to a work deadline, project dead line, what ever reason you have, tell him to enjoy it with his children.... then enjoy your week off at home.... or go somewhere else...

belief me if I dated a guy for a couple off months and he wants me to spend a week in a room with him and his kids... he never would've seen me again

twoviewpoints's picture

I 'get' why this would be uncomfortable for you. Your bio states your age and no children. So yeah, you're looking at this as WTF and he looking at it as routine what's the big deal. I imagine his get-away trips when he has his kids have always been smash the little darlings in.

You have to talk to him. What's been normal to him is going to have to change up a bit now if he expects you to be comfortable and participate. Otherwise he can take the kiddies on a kiddie vacation and separately take you on an adult only vacation. His choice. Accommodate your needs and you'd like to join them, forget your needs and consideration and no thanks.

I don't think it's intentional, I just think he doesn't see this from the angle you do. The suite with pull out or cot in the livingroom area for the kids and a private bedroom for the adults would be fine with you. Yes, you could offer to help pay the difference (how do you two normally do your finances?) , while some men may be offended by that offer.

The kids are too young to be in a separate hotel room (yeah, I know, some would think that's fine and their kid could do it blah blah...I'm speaking for me, and I would not book a separate room for two children 8 and 10).

Get this addressed and settled now, then go and have a lovely vacation. After a week with two young kids, you'll need another week to yourself after to recuperate Wink

twoviewpoints's picture

I read she wanted him and he did different. I didn't read she asked prior to. Maybe I'm not taking what she said correctly.

If she asked and he ignored, I would not be going , period. I'd book myself a room elsewhere (another vacation spot with just me in mind) and have my own genuine holiday.

A guy who didn't give a hoot of what I need and feel can go rot. I do do compromising and working together. I don't do my way or the highway...I'd just take the highway. The guy isn't worth having if he can't consider more than himself and his kids. When four people go away together, four people must be taken into account. If not, I'm not going. *shrugs*

ESMOD's picture

If he was footing the whole room bill, then it's his choice. If he was expecting her to pay a portion... then he should have taken her needs into consideration and they should have sprung for the suite room instead.

I am guessing a guy with two kids to take on vacation might not have had money to spring for the suite room.

Peridwen's picture

I think a lot depends on who's paying, what can be afforded, and how much communication happened beforehand. Having grown up in a family that traveled a lot, there was never any question that kids and adults stayed in the same room. Any adult who wanted privacy on a family vacation had to pay for their own room. Part of the reason is that my mother always said "This vacation is not to sit and enjoy a hotel room. It's to enjoy the location. Get your behind out of the room except for naps, bathroom, and sleeping! If you complain about the size of the room, remember every extra dollar spent on a larger room is a dollar you can't spend on experiences and souvenirs.'

Ninji's picture

As someone who has endured the Hell of sharing a room with skids, I suggest paying the extra expense to get a suite and save yourself. I refuse to share a room with skids now. We get a suite and even then sharing a bathroom is not fun but doable.

SM12's picture

I planned a long weekend trip for my DH and Myself to go visit my BS out of state. We took along YSS. I decided immediately that I was going to book a suite so DH and I could have some privacy. The cost wasn't any more that a regular room. I would NEVER in a million years go on a vacation with all of my SS's nor would I stay in one room with them. I can barely be in a car with them for longer than 15 minutes. Ummm No way.

Fleet123's picture

Hi....thanks for everyone's comments. Very interesting!
A few extra facts:
- A suite or large room with a separate bedroom and beds in the living room for the kids would have been perfect (I would never suggest having separate rooms for a 10 and 8 year old!) but all these other rooms are already booked up! An extra single room for me would be too expensive and I doubt it would be available.
- He booked it back in February as he has other family friends with kids staying in the same hotel but a mis-communication happened whereby I was under the impression we were staying in a villa and he only let me know yesterday it was, in fact, a hotel and we are all booked in the same room!So it all came as a bit of a shock!
- The four of us have been on a family holiday before (staying with his relatives with our own rooms) and his kids interact very well with me and seem to adore me - the slight problem was with my boyfriend who only seemed to want to interact and play with the kids while on holiday (and not with me that much!). I think he tries to make up for all the lost time he has with his kids now that he is only co-parenting for half the time - so consequently he sees them less and misses them. I understand this but I dont like being ignored or feeling like the third wheel when I make so much effort.
- He is paying for the hotel and I wasn't involved in any of the initial arrangements. He very much wants me there and we've spoken about how I felt ignored during the last holiday.
- We have been together for nearly a year.
- I like his kids and get on very well with them but dont want to be surrounded by a 'helicopter' dad buzzing around his kids 24 - 7...it's too kid-centric! Where do I fit into all of this?

secret's picture

OK, so it's the result of a miscommunication.

He knows you felt ignored the last time. Is he prepared to be conscious of this, this time around?

You can choose to go, or not to go. Do you want to go?

ESMOD's picture

So you say an extra room for you would be too expensive... for who? You ? Him. Certainly he has made it clear he was willing to put you up for no cost in a room he was booking with the kids. Since he was paying, he went for the most economical option... a single room that could accommodate you all.

Right now, you say no suites are available, so you can try to call the hotel to see if any single rooms are available. If there is one, you can book it for yourself at your own expense.

Alternatively, you could just go for a couple days and stay in the room with him and the kids.

Or, you can not go at all... because it sounds like he will be busy with the kids.

Peridwen's picture

These two lines concern me:

The four of us have been on a family holiday before (staying with his relatives with our own rooms) and his kids interact very well with me and seem to adore me - the slight problem was with my boyfriend who only seemed to want to interact and play with the kids while on holiday (and not with me that much!). I think he tries to make up for all the lost time he has with his kids now that he is only co-parenting for half the time - so consequently he sees them less and misses them. I understand this but I dont like being ignored or feeling like the third wheel when I make so much effort.

I like his kids and get on very well with them but dont want to be surrounded by a 'helicopter' dad buzzing around his kids 24 - 7...it's too kid-centric! Where do I fit into all of this?

Here's why: Fleet, you have stated that your BF loves spending all his attention on his kids when he's with them. Last time you were on holiday he didn't pay you the attention you wanted. You've admitted in the original post that BF likes to spend all his attention on his kids. You know this about him and he's demonstrated it to you before. You say he knows how you feel and what you wanted (suite/villa) but he ignored that desire and didn't bother telling you about it until it was too late to change it.

You also say that you don't like how kid-centric he is. You want couple's time. You don't mind spending time with the kids as a family, but need privacy and adult time as well. Can you see how this is at odds with what your BF has already demonstrated as who he is? Neither of you are wrong in how you feel about vacations. But you are opposites in a way that will be difficult to compromise. Unless you are both willing to bend a little, you may want to sit down and really decide if this relationship is meeting your needs. Your compromise should be one you are both happy with. Perhaps this holicay is a kid-centric one due to the other families, but the next holiday is couples-only. Or most of this holiday is with the kids, but see if one of the other families will watch the kids for you for a private dinner. Whatever works for both of you.

Now I very specifically did not mention finances, though that may be an issue with the two of you. Only you and your BF know, though as you are unmarried and not co-habitating (to my knowledge) I would suspect your BF might see it as he's paying so he has final call.

Fleet123's picture

Hi,

I'd like to go but I'm angry about the room share situation. I think he just booked it without giving a thought that this might be an issue for me. It's heaven for him - having his kids so close - but not much fun for me!

Cover1W's picture

I agree with TX.

Can you go for a shorter time? Maybe not the whole week?
I wouldn't agree to too long in a hotel room with the SDs. I've done a maximum of 6 days (and that's now that they are older) with set rules that BOTH DH and I use. NO longer. AND I get some "me time" by booking a massage, pedi, or alone time by a pool.

Disneyfan's picture

*****

Fleet123's picture

Hi,

Many thanks for everyone's advice - much appreciated
BTW, the family friends are not actual relatives - just long term friends of his - and I think the suggestion of staying a shorter time is a good one.

I've really appreciated all the comments - except for imaSom, who seems to be the only idiot on board this forum. Just to clarify, as this issue isn't about money or finances I haven't felt the need to go into exact details - however as your response was rather rude - I'm actually paying and 'contributing financially' in other ways that aren't relevant to this particular posting. Also, just to clarify (as your imagination seems to be jumping wildly about my apparent financial 'expectations') I never expect anything from anyone - so I'm often beautifully surprised! You should try it sometime Smile