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Pointless arguments

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Sometimes I think my wife just likes to stir the pot.

So her daughter is all of 6 years old, and she asks these questions, and tries to put me in hypothetical situations.

The argument was a doozy, because of how I responded to this one.

"When my daughter has children, are you going to go visit them like you visit your own grandchildren?"

I stick to my guns in situations like this, and responded with a "why in the world would I do that?"

I saw a post of "grandchildren" from earlier and it made me want to share the craziness of bio-mom's (my wife in this case) pertaining to these sorts of things. I'm not the child's father, I never established myself as the child's father, I don't plan on paying for a wedding/college, I don't plan on walking her down the isle, I might not even go. I don't get along with the kid who takes after her dad, and I don't get along with her bio-dad (who's in prison atm). The house is normally just a quiet stalemate where we all do our own thing. I actually prefer it that way.

I feel that things like this are 100% on her. I was very upfront about the relationship and responsibilities I wanted to have with her child before we got married. Now that we have one of our own, and another on the way, I can 100% confirm that we live in 2 different worlds.

Who else gets nailed with this pointless crap?

-Other common arguements-

Why didn't you cook my child dinner before I got home today? (we both work)

Why didn't you spend more time downstairs today?

Why did you buy BD x, y, or z?

Why does your family ask about BD more than my daughter?

Why don't you want to take my daughter with you when you take BD out?

Why don't you bath my daughter with BD when you do it?

missginger's picture

I can't relate to much of what you wrote becuase my DH does not do this excpet for one thing you wrote: "The house is normally just a quiet stalemate where we all do our own thing." THIS is exacatly how I feellike our home is when SD16 is here. I actualy hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. Its like DH stays away from me becuase he knows the second hes near me SD will want to be in the room with us. So Dh goes and does his own thng which leaves me to do my own things which leaves SD in her room. 

justmakingthebest's picture

The kid is 6, not 16. She doesn't have any ability to control that she takes after her biodad. She doesn't understand that you don't like her. Why her sister gets a toy and she doesn't. 

I really think you are being a jerk here and playing your insecurities out on a young child. It's pretty wrong. 

I am not saying the kid isn't a PITA, I am not saying she isn't annoying. However, she is 6. She needs to be cared for equally as the other kids in the home. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ehhh... The kid is 6. You don't get one kid a toy and nothing for the other. I get that his wife has ISSUES. However, he had sex with her AGAIN and now has another on the way. This child had no choice on her parents. She got thrown into this situation where she is despised by her stepdad. It is really sad when you think about how young she is and how she is going to have 2 siblings that will have everything their father can give them and she just gets distain. 

The wife really needs to step up but at the end of the day how can you blame a 6 yr old? 

tog redux's picture

I wouldn't blame her - but where is the line drawn? That's how women on here end up doing all the parenting for their stepkids, because the bio parent won't.  It's a slippery slope.  Also, it doesn't seem like he has much relationship with her at all.  It's an odd situation no doubt. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

There is certainly no line.

The relationship I have with SD is a non-factor until it's a factor with my wife. The kid doesn't care. At all. She's flooded with Ipads, atv's, a television in her room (at 6), a cellphone (at 6). Totally and completely spoiled, which is fine, and my wife has agreed with me that our shared children will not be subjected to the same.

My only complaint comes when her daughter is sitting on her $400 tablet, and I get questioned on why I bought my 11 month old a mickey mouse teether, or that I take her out to go grocery shopping with me on Saturday by ourselves. (The only day I can be absent SD.)

It's odd, but the explosions are not at all as big as they used to be. It's just irritating that the bickering doesn't go away. I do a lot for my preggo wife, but I wont be replacement daddy.

ChzyBob20's picture

Life isn't fair. Dude's wife needs to step up for her eldest that she created with a dirtbag serial felon. The eldest isn't OP's problem or responsibility.

Jcksjj's picture

I buy things for just one of my bios at a time all the time. I mean, they all get stuff, but it's not always at the same time. SD I only buy stuff for holidays. I dont see why the mom cant by her daughter stuff instead.

ChzyBob20's picture

I don't do anything for my husband's other kid. I do for my bios. It's normal and OK.

tog redux's picture

OP, get one of the many books on Borderline Personality Disorder and how to deal with a loved one who has it.  Some of them are kind of "enable-y", so pick one that isn't.  You will have to learn to avoid and deescalate these kinds of provocative comments.

ESMOD's picture

The first one is a bit odd.. I mean, I would assume that if you and your wife are still together.. that you WOULD likely make visits with her to see her relatives (ie her daughter and grandchild).  I mean, would you on your own go out of your way.. no... and you don't have to get into the minutae of would would you go with her "every time".. but what is the harm in saying you would probably go see them with her... it's not like it's an obligation you have to meet tomorrow.. and not one you have to hammer all the details out on right now.  

I think the answer to some of those other more day to day questions can be situational.

Why didn't you bathe my daughter?  Because I don't feel comfortable bathing a child that is not biologically related to me.

Why didn't you cook her dinner?  I would assume that you WOULD cook her child something if SHE is home.. and you are also cooking something for your daughter.  I think it's a bit petty to not throw some more nuggets in the microwave and make the child watch her sibling be fed when she is hungry.. but that does beg the question.. where is your wife if her child is home.. are you being asked to watch your stepchild?

Why do your parents ask about BD more?  Well, probably because she is their grand daughter and your other daughter isn't.  They don't outright exclude her.. but bd is their blood relations.  Or you can do a "shrug".. I don't know.. ask them?

Why do you buy for BD and not SD?  Because BD is my child and SD is not.. I figure that you buy for her.  Of course.. again.. it's not your responsibility to buy for her kid.. but if it's a cookie or piece of candy and it won't break you to treat both kids.. why not do it.  I mean... I certainly have bought things for my SD's... to be a nice person and all.

I worry that your attempt to separate your household by staying to yourself won't be a good thing for your marriage... but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to stay sane.

 

ChzyBob20's picture

I don't cook for my husband's other kid. My DH has to do everything for him. Laundry, rides, food, expenses etc. It's been this way for a long time and it works in my household.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I do free babysitting for 3 hours a day, every day of the week.

She cooks her child dinner when she gets home, and I don't normally eat dinner during the week (noodles in the microwave, or something like that), and her daughter gets what she wants out of the pantry until her mom gets home to cook for her. My own daughter drinks milk and eats what I give to her (usually fruit + whatever it is that I decide to eat.) She's under a year old.

I don't feel that the separation that goes on in my house is nearly as extreme as what I read here, it's just different because she lives under the same roof as me.

advice.only2's picture

After everything you have been through with this woman...you are having another!!! FACEPALM! Dude seriously!

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Accidentally. 

But hey, another baby is another baby. I love kids. 

Totally my fault that it happened, but I'm not going to let myself be depressed. I see it as I'll have twice the joy as I currently have with my baby daughter.

Crspyew's picture

Your kids won't see it as twice the joy.  As someone who grew up in a home with a bipolar father I spent many years angry with my mother for subjecting me to a childhood that was full of dysfunction.  You can't hide the crazy from your kids and sadly they are going to pay the price because you love kids.  Such a selfish perspective.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Wait. Are you accusing me of being.. bipolar? Or is it crazy?

For what? Not wallowing in despair that my wife is pregnant again? If you always focus on the negative, you'll never get anywhere.

Also, I don't think dumping my time and energy into my kids is a selfish perspective.

I can 100% guarentee that there will not be a single day in my children's lives that they don't know that Dad loves and supports them. Sorry that you had a Dad that didn't do the same. I need to be a role model to my own children, and I am. If not actively engaging myself in the stepkid's life makes me a bad role model, I guess my kids are going to see that, and be raised to not take on a step-kid. Good call, in my opinion.

I would recommend that if you grew up in a home of actual abuse, that you encourage your own children that ACTUAL abuse is not ok, and to tell a teacher or someone similar if they see it.

ESMOD's picture

I may be wrong, but I think she meant that your wife may be the one with issues.. just in her case it was her father in your case it's your wife.. and your kids may be angry that you didn't get them out of the situation?

tog redux's picture

But - your wife is abusive to you. So your kids ARE growing up in a dysfunctional home, where they are witnessing abuse.  And it's highly unlikely you two will stay married long-term, so they will likely also experience a high conflict divorce and subsequent custody battle. 

ChzyBob20's picture

Wtf? It's not wholly your fault unless you impregnated yourself. It takes two to tango. It is also your wife's responsibility.

At any rate, congrats Dad. 

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

I just want to say... don't give up on your SD quite yet. She's only 6 and they are pretty moldable still at that age. Maybe I got lucky but my skids learned not to f*** with me very quickly and that I'm not their mom, no need to throw a tantrum because they will not get their way with me and it's amazing how different they are. Even their grandmother admitted to my SO that depend if they are with their mom or us, they do not behave the same way. If your SD is a PITA, tell her to knock it off. You mentioned the the dad was in prison... must not be easy for the kid. Maybe try to find something that you both like to do, watch a tv show, read, teach her a sport, puzzle, idk! something to try to bond together. You can't possibly love her like you love your BD but you can be a male role model she can look up to.

ITB2012's picture

or extremely insecure...or both.

If she's baiting you, do you have any insights as to why she might be doing that?

To keep the battles to a minimum some easy answers could be:

-I will happily go with you. (like as a response to the grandchildren question)

-They are so far apart in age, one of them will be bored.

-Shouldn't she get some one-on-one with you?

Evil3's picture

It's not normal to constantly put your spouse to the test with questions like that. Is your DW BPD? They constantly test their loved ones and it can be exhausting for the people who have to constantly prove that they're still there and still love the other person. Exept in your case, your DW is asking these questions in relation to your SD.

I don't know what to advise, because responses for a person with BPD just do not work like they would for those without. My mother was BPD, so I understand the exhaustion and pure hell living with someone like that. Hopefully, your SD doesn't end up as another BPD woman that you have to live with. If she's being parented by a BPD and her dad is in prison, the odds are stacked against her for turning out OK. The odds are stacked against you for living in peace for a long, long time. Make sure you parent your bios and model as healthy of a human being as possible so that your bios have a good model to copy and not turn out disordered. As a child raised by a BPD mother, I can tell you that being raised by one is what Christina Crawford, author of Mommy Dearest, called an "unspeakable tragedy."

Rags's picture

On a personal level I understand your perspective. I would not want to deal with a difficult child or difficult SpermDad in a blended marriage.

But... I did chose to raise SS-27 as my own and to mitigate the crap that his SpermClan perpetrated against my SS, my wife and our family together.

My situation is less complex than yours. My SS is an only child in our marriage.  We married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo.

Fortuneatly my parents accepted SS as their full meal deal GK.  He is the eldest of their 4 GKs (27/25/22/18).  They have never treated him differently than my brother's 3.  If he were to have children, my parents would fully accept SS's kids as their GGKs.

I would suggest that your write off of a 6yo is premature.   Taking this stand injects tension into your marriage that really does not need to be present.  Your wife should have your full support with her prior relationship child and in dealing with a convict X/Baby Daddy.   Supporting your wife and protecting your SD-6 is also protecting your marriage, your family and your own young children.  Parenting SD-6 will be critical to establishing a strong family as an example for  your own children.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I feel like that stance that you took with your last paragraph completely disregards the fact that I inject every ounce of my time and love into my own child.

Like credit shouldn't be given, even though I'm the best dad on the planet to my daughter, but not her's. 

That's a very common feeling that I get.

(And it's my biased opinion that SD's dad should be able to be present and see her. He does want to. He's in jail on assualt charges against one of his brothers, not murder. I feel that the child being alienated from her father, even if he is a peice of work, is more harmful than me asserting that I'm not her father.) <--- I understand that this paragraph is me deflecting, but I feel it's also relevant.

Rags's picture

Even if the BioDad was not in prison, you are the primary male example for not only your own children, but for your Skid.  BM's tend to get primary custody and be the CP of most CODs or kids that are the result of unwed pregnancies.  Because of that StepDad's can more often than not be the primary male example and male influence in a Skid's life.

You are modeling a man, husband and father for your kids and hers.  If you are not acting as a parent to a child resident in your home, you are not modeling male adulthood as well as you could be for your own children.

I do not believe that treating one child differently than the  other children in the home leaves any children in the home unscathed,  Age of the kids not withstanding.

I get that you love your kids and try to be a good father to them.   It is the passive things they witness that can generate life long baggage.

Just my thoughts of course.

 

tog redux's picture

Wait - so stepmothers don't need to be engaged, but stepfathers should be? I don't agree with that. Some of these fathers on here have primary custody and I don't hear you saying the stepmother is the "primary female role model" so she should parent the kid. 

Rags's picture

I never said that.   The SM in the CP household is the primary female role model just as the StepDad in the CP household is the primary male role model.

However, the sanctity of the role of BM seems to make the primary female role model status of the SM in the CP household something that would be tantamount to throwing gas on the flames of BM sanctity. Even on StepTalk.

As for me not saying that the SM is the primary female role model, wrong again.  I can't even count the times I have said that "equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in their marital home regardless of kid biology."  If that is in the CP household, then the SM is the primary female role model to Skids.

 

Evil3's picture

I get it. Being in a blended family is a whole other dimension than in other types of families. Then, if you add the BPD aspect, there's a whole other dimension on top of the blended one.

I went back and read your previous blogs and totally get why you do not want to have a great bond with your SD or want to parent her. Her behaviour is hard to take and the way she's parented is hard to take. You will hear that she's only 6 and not to give up on her, but I say the opposite. Keep that distance. You have a DW who is likely BPD. At some point, should you decide to leave for good, you do not want to allow for any room whatsoever for your DW to be able to coach her kid to say you abused her. Stay strong on not bathing her. Do not get baited into that. You do not want to have to answer "yes" when asked by police if you were ever alone with your naked SD. Supervising her in the bath gives police, your DW or whomever to see that as the opportunity that you could have touched her inappropriately or even ogled her naked body. In fact, I'd say to go as far as making it that you're NEVER alone with your SD. Do not take her with you when you take your bio out on Saturdays. Not taking your SD is a wise choice. It's amazing what crazy BMs can coach their kids to say to get revenge on divorcing spouses.

Head on over to https://shrink4men.com/ for knowledge. Maybe join those forums. There are lots of men who are in similar situations as you and can understand and support you. Feel free to PM me.

 Good for you for recognizing that your SD's dad is her dad even if he's in jail for assault. That's good that you acknowledge that your SD should have her dad even if he's not that great. He is still her dad. However, if your DW is anything like my mom, your SD's dad will have to go through hell to be able to be a part of SD's life.

Kelly_thestepmum_in20s's picture

Eish 

People have a way of doing things but I wouldn't like it to have such a separation ever in the same house when it comes who cooks for which kid.

Kids are blessings whether planned or not. Congratulations on the expansion of your family. 

shamds's picture

Were out for lunch, he’d had enough of how they treated me and they’re half siblings. Hubby told them that since they kept saying bio mum was about to drop dead from her imaginary I can’t walk syndrome, that when hubby is no longer alive, all they have is me and they’re half siblings 

the way they behave now alienating us, treating us all like shit doesn’t make us want to be anywhere near them so they’re doing themselves a disservice behaving this way. They already aren’t on good terms with bio mums family who have shunned them all because bio mum is a psychotic unstable biatch. 

Hubby told them that once hubby and their mum is gone  they will have no one. That it was time for them to do better. That was 15-16 months ago and they have remained the same behaviour and i have disengaged completely. Its of their own doing.

warranted sd here is 6, but is her mum enforcing and encouraging a healthy respectful relationship with the stepdad?? Because if she hasn’t and allows the kid to behave disrespectfully and choked it down to “oh she’s a kid” and now hypocritically says to op that there is a double standard then tough, she needs to set an example and model good behaviour for her kids. Miracles don’t happen on their own...

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

It's almost crazy how well disengagement solves problems.

I'll be in my daughters room, messing around on the floor with toys, and I'll hear the house coming down - downstairs. (From stepkid losing her absolute mind "playing"). When I enter the room, it ALL stops. I don't even say a word. I've never punished, it just takes a look of "wow, what a freakshow", and it's over. I don't treat the child poorly, I would compare it to how I treat the students that I teach in my classroom.

Others have said here "It's not the kids fault!". That's fine. I'm aware. It wasn't my fault either. That's why I'm not actively pushing the kid out the door. I guess it would be different if I wasn't upfront with my wife about my expectations/the reality of her child NOT being my child.

I feel like a major bias/double standard exists within some stepparents, espeically ones that bring their own kids along for the ride.

Husband&#039;s wife's picture

When you bring troubles into the household, you tend to be more tolerant toward the same troubles brought from the other side.

I personally didn't bring any, so why should I manage the troubles that I have not created ? The boy has his mom and dad and all the best to them for dealing with him. 
Now my child also has mom and dad and we both are dealing with her. Yes, she has a more expensive vacation, better kindergarten, food and clothes. But this is also due to the fact that I am a CFO and his mom is a cashier. Nothing wrong with this profession but of course it generates a different type of revenue and I am not to compensate in any way, there is no law that could eventually force me to do so. 

Husband&#039;s wife's picture

It is me provoking these discussions. One day the boy will be old enough to travel by himself and later he will have a wife and the kids. So, the risk is high that he wants to spend vacation or bring his kids to our house and I want DH to know that it is not going to happen. He has some time to prepare the ground, to tell the boy that he misses the ILs or other friends so he prefers to fly where himself. I am not ready and was clear from the beginning of our relationship to have the boy in my house. It was a long discussion before the wedding, if he wouldn't agree with my request, I would look for another guy.

However, since we had DD together, DH started to negotiate  on this request. Which is understandable, our passion is a bit calmer and he knows I am more attached to him having a common child. Well, it is my job to remind him our pre-wedding discussions and tell him I am not and will never be ready to change my opinion on this issue.

Harry's picture

BIG HAPPY FAMILY,  Like the ones on TV and lifetime movie.  You really can't blame her for that.  But because she has a child with a loser it's just not going to happen,   That is what you have to deal with.  She is not going to change. You just better start think about the future. 
you will be taking SD to Disney, legoland ect.  You as a person just can't leave her home.  Your DW is going to draw a line someday. 
if the bio father is doing nothing, then you will be force to have some interaction SD 

Husband&#039;s wife's picture

People tend to complicate things that are not complicated. I never understood why it is forbidden to tell the SK that he or she is not going to the Disney with the SP because the SP is not their parent. As simple as that. 
 

Yes, honey, the SP is buying gifts for your step sibling because she or he is his or her child and you are not. I buy gifts to both of you, because you are both my kids. 
Easy!

I had fights with the ILs because they all buy too many gifts for DH's boy. I am against it and I formally requested them not to do the same for DD. And last Christmas guess what ? They finally realized it was too much, they have noticed that the boy does not even enjoy any of these gifts. He opens one present, through it away and says "next". No "thank you", no nothing. 
At the same time DD gets one, maximum two presents from what she was hoping for and she enjoys them. I had to explain, yes, why she doesn't have as many as the boy. Well because his mom doesn't see the problem, but I do. I pointed to her the fact that she is enjoying much more her presents, because she was waiting for them, asking for them and she has exactly what she was dreaming about. Period 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Lol, wow. I saw the same thing at christmas. 

A pile a mile high for the "poor stepkid", and the few gifts that I bought for my daughter in front of her.

The stepkid didn't even bother to open half of them, let alone see who they were from.

My daughter was freaking out over her few new toys.

Night and day living in the same house. I find it weird that people want their SO's to pretend that their kids are somehow equals.

MissJulsie's picture

I'm sorry to say this, but I am so disappointed in you. You had the chance to escape from this nightmare.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

To be fair, the arguments are much farther between, and there's no absolute insanity anymore.

I'd wager to say that escaping would do more harm than good at this point.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Why did I have sex with her?

She did what I asked her to do, and she is my wife. We sleep in the same bed. She and her daughter both went through anger management. Her responses to my refusal to be dad aren't extreme. Yeah, she still starts irritating little arguments occassionally, but that's about the extent of it, nothing escalates anymore.  My complaints are much lesser than they used to be.

MissJulsie's picture

Yeah but she's violent....