Pathological liar/attention seeker SS, help!
Hi all, I'm really hoping to get some advice here, or just to know whether this is common or not and to see if anyone can empathise with my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has a SS aged 11 and all the SS does it cause drama and grief. It's been going on for years. He lies and lies and lies all for attention, it doesn't matter how much trouble it gets him in, a month or two later and he'll do something drastic again for a bit more attention. Firstly, I feel it's very important to mention, he is an only child, he sees us (dad and SM) 3 times a week and is with his bio mum the rest of the week. He has an amazing life, he is treated with care and respect, he is showered with praise etc. His lying and manipulating started when he was around 6, when he told his teacher at school that his dad hits him (he has never and would never lay a finger on him, he is the most gentle and loving father ever.) Then a few months later, he moved schools because his bio mum moved a bit further away from us, and then he told his teacher that his mum hits him all the time at home. He again, got in a lot of trouble, we explained the very serious consequences of his lies, he admitted that he had made it all up and we tried to move on AGAIN. Then he would come to our house and make up lies about his mum, go back to his mum's and tell her lies about us. He is very very manipulative and knows exactly how to make my fiancé (dad) and his bio mum fall for his bullsh*t! It makes my blood boil. So again, a few months go by, and he tells school that he "hears voices in his head" and they "tell him to do things and they have names", again he admitted to making it all up, we tried to move on. Then he told school that he "wanted to k*ll himself" and that he "hates his life" again, admitted to lying and we got the usual tears and apologies. There's been other things in between but I feel like that paints the vague picture, so that brings us to now, his bio mum has just had another baby with her boyfriend (they've been together for 4 years also) and he is no longer an only child. Bio mum called my partner this week to say that SS has out of the blue told her that he "wants to wear a dress to school" which was really shocking to us. We are as big an ally to the LGBT+ community as you could imagine and inclusivity and supporting individuality is so so so important to us, but SS has never ever shown signs of having identity issues, wanting to do anything girly, has always just been your typical boy who likes playing his consoles and sports. Naturally this made me furious because I can see from a mile off that he's just doing his usual routine of saying something shocking just to get a reaction and attention seek as per usual, especially considering that he said it to his mum who has probably not been putting him front and centre now that she's got a newborn. So my question is what do we do in this situation?! Do we believe him and encourage him to follow whatever feelings about his indentity that has having? Do we buy him a dress and call his bluff? Do we talk to him yet again about lying and attention seeking? We don't want to not believe him and do any damage to his self esteem, but my GOD am I sick to death of his lies and manipulations and I don't want him to think for a second that he can just keep saying things and getting away with it because it just seems to be getting worse rather than better. I'm also desperate to know, are other children this dramatic and attention seeking?! I don't have children of my own but I have nephews and nieces and they don't seem to do any of this sh*t. I know it's probably not fair to compare, but I feel like I've ended up with literally the worst stepchild on the planet :(
Some kids are more of a "challenge"
Than others.
Honestly, I'd have a phone conference or email (actually, have SO do it) school about the situation....since they are familiar with his deceptions, they may understand where y'all are coming from with suspicion that this is another "crying wolf" moment. Then I'd get a dress at the thrift store and a matching bow and Mary Jane shoes and tell him to enjoy. If he's sincere, time will tell. I think going along with what he has stated is true might show him there are consequences.
I'd also revoke all privileges when he lies and let him know truthfulness and proper behavior over time is how he earns them back. One at a time.
No plush life with comforts and luxuries when you can't be consistently honest.
My YS hasn't played a video game at my home in years, as he plays far too much at his biodad's. He can say I'm mean all he wants, I don't care. My job is to raise a decent person, not pamper him.
Stop praising him. Stop
Stop praising him. Stop anything extra for him. Strip his room and only leave the bare necessities: bed, sheets, school clothes, shoes, hygiene stuff. If he's really terrible take his door off the hinges too. This is what prisoners get and make him earn it back with good behavior, a long period of time with out lying and causing drama. 11 is old enough to start experiencing hard consequences for this. If BM doesn't join in , that might be ok , then SS will stay there and you get a peaceful home.
I agree
I agree. Take away all priveleges, and let him know what he needs to do to earn them back one by one. Explain that if you cry wolf, no one will believe anything you say. Those are the consequences for being a liar. He needs structure, and rules, and consequences - not praise.
I would also let his teachers know about this, so they know to take anything he says with a grain of salt. You might also put cameras up in your home in the common areas - not the bathrooms or bedrooms. This way you have some defense if he accuses you of something terrible to get back at you for taking away his privelges.
Its time for boot camp for the kiddo. Life is hard and he needs to learn the rules.
No cameras in his bedroom but
No cameras in his bedroom but one focussing directly on his door so you have proof of who went in and when.
Don't tell him they're there.
Don't tell him they're there. Let the authorities catch him in a lie, it will damage his credibility.
Therapy
In addition, SO and BM should get this kid into therapy.
11yo's don't know if they want to wipe their ass much less
do they know anything else.
My vote... set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance. Bring a life of escalting misery down on him like the raining fires of hell for any violations of those standards.
Particularly for the lies and manipulation.
In addition to the escalating state of abject misery, get this kid in intensive pshyco therapy and get him medicated. Even if this is just toxic evil manipulation of others, medicating him into a state of semi catetonia to protect him from himself until he hits the age of majority is far better than taking even a slight chance that he may actually hurt himself.
This kid can identify as they wish... once they turn 18. Then they can figure it out on their own time and their own dime... after they are past being able to destroy anyone elses lives with the manipulative toxicity.
Remember. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of toxic behavior.
IMHO of course.
I get this is a tough call.
I get this is a tough call. Of course, if you truly believed he was tg...you would be inclined to be more supportive.. but based on your history.. it feels like another attntion seeking gambit.
I've read that there is currently a large surge in young kids claiming they are tg.. and there is some school of thought that says this really isn't TG.. but more a mental health issue with the kids.. they don't know "who" they are at those young ages.. they are easily swayed by social media and peer influence.. and it's almost as if being TG is contagious to an extent.. a "cool" thing to claim.. that it makes you special.. just as kids now seem to celobrate their mental health issues. vs the old stuff it down and try to behave more to societal norms.
this is definitely an area where you need to try to seek therapy.. and one that will be open to allowing discussion that this TG request may not, in fact, be a real body dysm. issue.. but more of an issue of other lacking mental fortitude.
Why
do you need to bother will all of those things your step child does? I can advice you to disengage and let him be, he is not your responsibility, he is his bio parent's responsibility. I have step twins teenagers living with us everyday, bot just couple of days per week and they are also super manipulative, attention seeking liars. One day he came back from school telling his dad that he told everyone there that he gets physically abused at home, turned out it was a lie. He never even said that. I disengaged, even right now I am in my bedroom, so I don't have to see them in the living room. It's better like this.