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As a parent, how much $$$ would you give to an 18 year old?

Monsterchick87's picture

Guys I'm going crazy!!!! Please help!!!! 
I normally post about my boyfriend's 24 year old son but this is about his youngest son who turned 18 in July. 
He's about to start his first year of college and he's going to a school in another city so he has to stay in a dorm on campus. He will need money for his dorm, food, clothes and whatever else he needs. Luckily he got part of a scholarship so that will cover for some of his tuition. The thing is that my boyfriend wants to cover for all his expenses. It's not a bad thing but he simply can't afford! My boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck and he never saves money. His son needed clothes for college and I think my boyfriend gave him his entire paycheck because his son likes expensive clothes. And because of that, he was late with his part of the rent and the electric bill. He split the bills 50/50. I always have to step in and help him when he doesn't have enough. 
 

I have told him that his son could get a job because he's old enough to work but my boyfriend wants to coddle him and support him financially. The son has a girlfriend too and that's another expense because he has to take her out. My boyfriend has given his son money to take her out. One time his son came to visit us for a week. During that entire week my boyfriend would spoil his son buying him food from outside every day. Taco bell, KFC, whatever his son desired until he ran out of money and guess what he did??? He asked me if I could lend him money to please his son instead of being real and telling him he doesn't have more money. But seriously, would it be bad if this kid makes his own money or gets a summer job at least??? My boyfriend thinks he's too young to work. As a parent, what will you do if you had to live paycheck to paycheck? Would you be real with your kids or get yourself in debt for being a Disney dad? 

Winterglow's picture

He pays his bills FIRST and if there's anything left over, he can give it to his son. It's all a question of priorities.

FWIW, one of my daughters is 18 and has been working at McDonald's for over a year... while going to university. She passed all her exams and has not asked for a penny while at university. Time both he and his son grew up 

hereiam's picture

my boyfriend wants to coddle him and support him financially

That's great...except that he can't afford it.

If not for you, who does he think would "step in" and help him when he can't pay his bills because he's trying to do more than he can afford for his son? Expecting you to do this, is not an attractive trait in a partner and there is a name for it - using or taking advantage.

There is nothing wrong with his son working for what he needs. Certainly, your BF should not be paying for his son to take out his GF.

Kaylee's picture

Yeah his son is PLENTY old enough to work. He doesn't because his dad (and you) are enabling him. Stop giving your BF money to buy his son clothes, go on dates etc. Stop it now! 

My son worked all the way through university. Various jobs including a year working every Saturday and Sunday at KFC. He hated it, but you know what? He stuck at it.

notarelative's picture

Stop helping BF out. If you have to pay more than your share of the bills, it's a loan. Make him sign a promissory note. Next paycheck he pays his share of the bills and pays you back before he has money for himself and his son.

BF thinks his son is too young to work. When does he think his precious son will be old enough to work? Plenty of BF's son's contemporaries are building their resumes with volunteer stints and work. A stint at Taco Bell or McDonalds may not be exciting, but it builds work skills necessary for future jobs. 

What are you getting out of this relationship? What are you and BF doing as a couple?  How long are you willing to subsidize BF so he can be Disney Dad? Through college (aka minimum 4 more years)? Until he gets a job after college? 

Dogmom1321's picture

Your BF is finanically irresponsible. Normally, as long as it doesn't affect you or the bills, he can spend his money how he chooses. That's obviously not the case though, so bailing him out needs to stop ASAP. 

Loxy's picture

You do not have to step in, it's an active choice you are making and it is enabling your boyfriends irresponsible behaviour. 

I think you need to seriously consider what you are willing to do if your boyfriend continues this behaviour - are you willing to walk away? If you can't say yes to that question then there is no point setting boundaries and sticking to them as your boyfriend will no doubt sense your lack of resolve and exploit it.

I personally think you deserve better than a man who is happy to use you so he can spoil his son instead of actually being a proper parent. 

hereiam's picture

You do not have to step in, it's an active choice you are making

I guess it depends on whose name the bills are in. But, if this is a constant reoccurrence, I would get my own place and just pay my own bills. BF can deal with his own shit, on his own.

He's doing this because he can. He knows OP will pick up the slack, rather than let the rent or utility bills go unpaid or not be paid in full. I don't blame OP for making sure the bills are paid, but like I stated, I would rather just be responsible for my own place and my own bills, then.

Findthemiddle's picture

No way would I participate in this and I would lose the boyfriend.  He is showing off and spending money- trying to convince everyone that he is such a great dad.  He had years to save money for the kid's schooling- he didn't - now he is using you.  You aren't married to this guy- he is overstepping majorly. 

CLove's picture

Your Boyfriend needs you to stand strong.

Right now you have no claims on his assetts other than he MUST cover his bills firstly.

As to how much - well that varies but it looks like hes covering way too much for your comfort...time to talk it out.

ndc's picture

It doesn't matter what others would do, as everyone has a different financial situation and a different kid.  My dad sent my sister to college with a credit card that had a limit in excess of $10,000, which he paid every month. He's wealthy and she's frugal, so no issues. 

It sounds like your BF can't afford to subsidize his son and also cover his own obligations, so he shouldn't be giving his son much. 

I would not be covering BF's shortfalls.  If the bills are in your name and so you have little choice but to pay them,  then you'll need to make some changes - either put some of the bills in his name or don't share a household with him anymore. If they're in his name, pay your share and not a penny more.  In any event I'd let him know that you won't be making up his shortfalls and he needs to pay his share of the expenses in full and on time. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

he needs to hand over his paycheck to you as soon as he gets paid.  You can arrange the budget and give him the left over money to spend as he pleases.

If he won't do this, then seriously consider breaking up.  Don't let his foolishness drag you into a financial mess.  It is very easy to create a financial crisis but remarkably hard to fix it.

Harry's picture

He gives his DS all his money and you support your BF.  If he's not paying basic bills like rent , electricity,  who buying the food, other normal household things ?  He then doesn't take you out? No dinners ?   Why do you need this boyfriend?

I am sure if you want to support some one. Yoi can do better.

you must have that talk.  Figure out your monthly bills, including money for date night, vacations ect.  He must put his part in weekly or by weekly first,  Any money left over he can support DS 

Monsterchick87's picture

Yes, all the bills are in my name because BF was the one who moved in with me. He pays his share but doesn't know how to prioritize what's more important. He puts his son on a pedestal.

I forgot to mention that he was also struggling the past two weeks with buying the groceries. He normally buys the groceries and I pay other bills. Since he only had $100 for groceries, I had to put the rest, which he said he'll pay me back. But he got mad because he said it was my fault that we were short!!!!!! That because I don't help him by giving more we don't have enough. I had already helped him with the electric bill and his part of the rent. He feels like its my obligation to help him. 
He put his sons needs before us eating and paying the bills. Actually, it's not like his son doesn't have clothes but I guess he wanted to look fancy for college. He could work and buy himself clothes. Heck, I started working when I was a Junior in High school. I don't even attempt to talk to him about making his son financially responsible because he gets defensive. I just stay quiet now and come to Steptalk to vent.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Okaaaaaayyy... He is NOT paying his share. Nor can HE afford to put his son on a pedestal. He is in serious need of a reality check.

  • Not enough for groceries so you "had to put the rest".
  • He said he'll pay you back. No, hon, he will not.
  • It's YOUR fault you are short because HE is financially irresponsible? How delusional.
  • He feels like it's your obligation to help him. Are you his mommy??

Hon, this "man" is using you and you are supporting him. While there is nothing wrong with partners who have different levels of income, he is not holding up his end of things. And now he expects you to foot the bill for his son? What a load of hooey!

Please love yourself enough to give YOU the gift of freedom. 

Winterglow's picture

Why are you paying for his son's whims? Why is this waster still squatting in your home after nearly getting you evicted due to his other son? Why are you putting up with a boor who has so little respect for you that he lets his son treat you like a maid in your own home? 

Dammit, woman, he's nearly 20 years older than you and treats you as if you should be grateful for being allowed to subsidize him/bail him out. Where is your self-respect? Where is your pride? 

Winterglow's picture

Seeing as he fritters his money away, does he expect you to finance his retirement, too? 

Merry's picture

So the son is going off to college with no means to pay for it? Whoooo boy.

I would expect him back after the first semester when the school won't let him enroll or renew his housing contract until he pays up. 

But to answer your question, I would pay what I can AFTER my own bills were paid.

Sounds like your BF needs a budget and a reality check on his own living expenses. If he continues to get mad at YOU for his own ineptitude, I'd be considering other living arrangements. He needs you way more than you need him.

hereiam's picture

I just stay quiet now and come to Steptalk to vent.

Why do you stay quiet? Why do you stay with him?

Winterglow's picture

Wake up, woman! You should be spitting mad! This guy is throwing YOU hard-earned money at his spoiled brat of a child! WHY are you letting him do this?