Overstepping Boundaries
What is a foster parent supposed to do it how are they supposed to act after a child is reunified with a parent?
My husband and I have had custody of my stepson for almost two years after his mother lost custody of him to DSS and did not disclose information about my husband, so he could be contacted, thus my stepson was in foster care for about five months.
Former foster parent (single male) asked to continue relationship with stepson and us. We agreed. Regret that now.
FP had since gained custody of stepsons half siblings (all three are biologically the mother's). He has pushed back against our wishes dealing with the amount of time stepson sees FP and his siblings (this was an issue before FP had custody of the other two children). FP had gone behind me dropping stepson off at school and walking him to class (stepson and one of his siblings go to the same school). FP attended a school function that my husband and I told him he could not "because stepson asked him to stay". FP and stepson were at one point kissing goodbye on the cheek, which infuriated my husband and it took him multiple times saying it was to stop, to stop. Husband and I are expecting our first baby together and we simply want to be a family without catering to FP and feeding into his relationship with stepson. We will ALWAYS foster his relationship with his two siblings, but we've had enough of FPs behavior. FP now wants to meet with us to discuss these changes were wanting to make "because he wants to be a part of them". What can we do?! My family and husband's family are absolutely disgusted and have threatened to call DSS about FPs behavior. I'm not sure what is really going on, how innocent this all could be. We have NOT let stepson go anywhere besides his grandmother's during the quarantine (husband and I are both essential employees). FP has brought this up as well wondering why stepson can go to his grandmother's, but not to FPs house. Any advice is welcomed. I'm at my wit's end and husband is about to implode with anger.
FP is an idiot. Why can your
FP is an idiot. Why can your SS go to his GP's home where he is exposed to the same two people every day who are far less likely to violate self isolation than a FP with two kids?
Really?
For some reason the hurdle for becoming an FP is nauseatingly low, from my own knowledge of extended family who have become certified as FPs, and who I would not allow any child of mine anywhere near unless under my direct supervision or the supervision of my DW. Even if my kid's sibs were under the care of that FP.
Just no, I would not meet with FP at all and would go to court to get supervised visitation of my kid with his half sibs who are in Foster care rather than allow any interface with this stalkerish borderline molester FP. That FP would have zero unsupervised interface with my kid if I was your DH. DH needs to climb up the school's collective ass for allowing that to happen even once.
This kid has enough drama to adapt to and deal with without having this clingon of a FP causing even more confusion and drama for this kid and your family.
You posted about this in November
You posted about his situation with the foster parent in November and were advised by several people to report him and stop contact. What did your DH do about the situation then? Why is the foster father still involved?
Did you take any of the
Did you take any of the advice from your last post?
This has gone on an additional 6 months. Have you talked to someone with DSS about what are and aren't appropriate boundaries? Have you send FP a cease and desist order? Reported him to the foster parenting agency that he works through?
He's not taking the hint that not only is he not wanted, but he is being inappropriate. If he isn't going to take the hint and blantant no's, then you need to take it to folks who have authority over him.
Have you gotten SS into therapy for the loss of his mother and FP?
The advice won't change until the behavior does.
At this point, I'd consult a
At this point, I'd consult a lawyer. Enough diddly-daddling around.
Your DH does not have to
Your DH does not have to allow the FP any contact with his son, you were advised that before. Stop allowing it, and report him if he seeks contact without DH's permission.
It's ending now
It's ending now. My aunt had taken the responsibility of contacting DSS (she has a friend who is over the case workers). My husband and I are VERY nervous about meeting because it almost feels like FP is setting up a case against us for some reason. FP wrote us a letter about his feelings and took screenshots from previous conversations stemming back to October of 2018 and gave all of that to us. A HUGE RED FLAG. We honestly wanted to continue the relationship between stepson and his siblings but didn't know how to get around FP to do so, so we continued the visits, but cut them back. That is what FP is complaining about now. But his behavior has become increasingly shocking and the more that we've learned, the more uncomfortable we feel. Husband is very pissed and is ready to tell FP to fly a kite (but not as nice as that). We are so worried about the relationship between stepson and his siblings and in NO WAY want to sever that. Also, husband and I made it clear that change was to happen because we are expecting a baby and want stepson to have more time with us and the baby once it arrives. FP is NOT understanding this or even considering my health and the health of the baby during this pandemic. Again, no cares of any actions besides the fact that he wants to get his way. I don't understand why he can't explain the obvious situations at hand to stepsons siblings, he instead decided to complain and act like we we're the bad people.
Did FP adopt the siblings, or
Did FP adopt the siblings, or is he just their FP? If he is just their FP, DSS can establish sibling visits with SS that don't involve FP. FP can also be compelled to allow thr siblings to interact without him, either through FaceTime or at a visitation center. FP doesn't have any real say over his foster kids; he's more like a SP than an actual parent.
If he has adopted them, SS can send them letters or emails. He may have to wait until FP is not crazy or they all age out before they can have a real relationship again.
I have a friend that has been through something similar. She adopted two of four siblings. The other two were older and were either living with their dad or had been adopted out already to a aunt. The aunt and dad have reached out to my friend so that the kids can all be siblings, but since BM still sees one of the kids and the aunt is family to the BF, my friend has put the brakes on that interaction. She feels bad for her kids, but her job is to protect them because she is their mother. It guts her, and she questions if she is doing the right thing, but she knows zero good will come from intermingling the kids and families. Her kids already struggle with being adopted at times (and the BPs have tried to find the kids, which has put the school and daycare on high alert), so she keeps that tie severed for them until they are older.
Your DH may need to do the same. His job is to protect his son. It sucks that, in order to protect him, he may have to cut him off from his siblings. But if that's what he has to do, then he needs to do it.
And he needs to put SS in therapy. That isn't a "suggestion". That needs to be a requirement.
SS is going into therapy
We've already decided this and he will be starting as soon as the quarantine is lifted, enough trauma has happened on his life and I'm HIGHLY concerned he's being groomed. My Aunt did sit down and talk with him the other day just to get a feel of things. Unfortunately, he and his siblings are l Elementary age and I cannot see us taking them away from each other for the next 13 years...it would break our hearts. FP has officially adopted them, so he is their legal guardian. I ended up purchasing a laptop to start documenting our communications with FP. I was advised that we write down our concerns and give that to FP vs sitting down and talking with him. I've been advised by multiple people that FP is trying to build a case of sorts (not sure why, DH and I are not bad parents, do not use drugs, do not neglect SS, etc.). I'm five months pregnant and ALWAYS tired and this is wearing on my nerves and causing stress. All I want is for FP to honestly leave us alone and let us foster the relationship between the siblings without his interference. We're pissed that he's insinuated that he adopted the siblings because of the relationship with us. We had asked months before for a decrease in time, so this was not a surprise to him. This is a nightmare and we want it to go away because at this point, I'm concerned for SS and don't know what has happened or what could happen and it's ending now. On that note though, we're concerned about retaliation from FP. What a mess this is...