Hello from Pennsylvania...

I stumbled across your site recently and so much of what I read resonated with some of the things I've been going through as a step-mom. I don't know who devised this site, but I'm thankful to finally have a place to go and share experiences with others who are in the same boat. There really isn't a whole lot out there for step-parents that I've found.

Just a little about me... I'm 51 and a step-parent twice. In my first marriage I took on two little girls and raised them from pups. I'm the only mom they've really ever had. I get along with them both now as they are adults, married and have children. Their dad and I divorced years ago. They don't speak to their bio parent much but remain very close to me to this day.

Marriage #2.. it seems as though I got it the other way around... married a terrific guy and acquired two step-children that leave much to be desired. I got them when then were in their late teens so the damage had already been done so to speak. I didn't have as much say in their upbringing as I did in my first marriage with my two daughters.

In my second marriage I have a 22 year old step daughter and a 24 year old step son. My husband was a good father to both of them.. one of the best I've seen around. Their step-mother is a nut case... she spends her time resurrecting MySpace pages dedicated to hating my husband and myself of which we have never retaliated because in the grand scheme of things, she's just not that important. I helped raise my step daughter from the age of 15 until she moved out of the house two years ago. During that time, her bio mother had little to do with her. When my step daughter was raped, she lived 40 minutes away and couldn't be bothered to come and visit. We had a phone installed in her room for the purpose of her mother being able to reach her, but she never called. Finally, after two years, we took the phone out because her mother never used it to call her daughter. When I married my husband at that time he would drive his daughter 40 minutes each direction to visit her mother (who was living with her boyfriend)... after doing this for a year or so, he finally told his ex that if she wanted to see her daughter, that she needed to start driving down to at least pick her up... at least meet half way. Shortly thereafter, the visits stopped. I saw my step daughter agonize over the neglect her mother showed all those years.

Recently, my husband wrote his daughter an email over a posting we saw on his daughter's MySpace page about an engagement to her boyfriend. Of course my husband was upset because it seemed that her friends on Myspace all knew about it, but he didn't. He wrote her an email expressing his feelings about being left out of her life. She wrote back a rather nice note explaining that she posted that because since she moved in with her boyfriend there had been allot of inquiries from friends as to when they get married. She explained to her dad that they were not officially engaged, but she had just posted that to get a few people off her back so to speak. The letter was actually well written. We pretty much had considered the issue closed and were moving on, when we received a very insulting email from her boyfriend accusing my husband of all sorts of things that weren't true. Apparently his ex had told her boyfriend "her" version. The ex is spreading lies now that we "KEPT" my step daughter from seeing her mother.. tied her hands.. which is utter BS. It's easier to play the blame game rather then taking responsibility for one self I guess. She has launched a barrage of attacks on us. That part doesn't bother me, but what does is the fact that our step daughter seems to be listening to the other side. . . I know that if she stopped to think about it, she'll realize that never once did we discourage her from seeing her mother.. she's even stated that. I think she's been so desperate for her mother's approval these years that she's forgotten the people who have been there for her all her life and has abandoned us.

There is so much more to the story, but what has hurt me the most is the way my step daughter has treated me all these years. In an effort to "make-up" for the loss of her mom all those years, I put forth much effort on my step-daughters behalf to give her what her mother would not. She was one of those who rarely said thank you, was disrespectful, rude and only seemed to be kind to me when she wanted something. Never once has she ever owned up to, or made any apologies for bad behavior. Right before she left for Vegas, I threw her a going away party and invited all her friends. That week, she made time for everyone else in her life but me... her last day here, I had wanted to take her out to lunch and spend a little time with her, but she couldn't be bothered. Even after she moved away, her father called her and talked to her about her behavior. She told him she would straighten it out with me, but never did.

With the time and distance it seemed that our phone conversations were nicer. She had a short visit out here and we all got along well.. so I assumed that maybe she was growing up and tried to put the past behind.... but I'm realizing that that's far from the case... My mistake is that I made her priority in my life while she has only made me an "option" in hers. I guess the light finally went on recently.

It's a long, long story.. but in a nutshell.. my husband and I both are tired of being treated with disrespect and contempt by his kids. My husband is livid too because we received a letter from his son essentially blaming me for is poor relationship with his father. My step son threw away a collage scholarship to move in with a girl who we knew was bad news back then -- they ended up getting married and had a son. Fast forward several years.. and my step-son's wife cheated on him and left him for his best friend. He's very depressed because when he goes to pick up his son, the little boy doesn't want to go but would rather stay with the "boyfriend" of his ex. My husband tried to convince his son not to get married back then but to complete his education first... His son had wanted to move his girlfriend in with us, but my husband put his foot down and said no. In turn my husbands Ex in an effort to undermine him, offered to house her son and his girlfriend, encouraging him to skip college... which he did. He had a full ride back then but threw it away.. He since has finished his AA degree on his own but is $30,000 in debt to pay it off. The ex didn't have the same expectations that my husband had for college.. she has very low standards period. She's very trashy. It's difficult enough raising kids to be decent people, but when you have the other parent thwarting your efforts, it's miserable.

Fianlly... after years of disrespect and drama from his kids.... my husband and I recently made the decision to cut them all loose. . . to just let them all go and do nothing. Perhaps someday they will wake up, perhaps not... but in either case, we are moving on with our lives and just trying to be happy. We are amid redoing our will to disinherit his kids. I've never heard of any parent doing this and it's very painful for me because I had hoped for a better relationship with his children when we first got married. It's ended in disaster.

I'm so thankful for my other two daughters.... they are my breath of fresh air!

Just venting here...

Love, Jenny