This is probably going to be very long and I apologize for that in advance, but I have to give enough history for anything to make any sense. I have been reading posts on this site for quite a while and while reading does help me feel better I think its time to post my own story/problems and get some feedback.

I am 41 and a BM of 4, DD22, DS20, DS13 & DS12 and a grandmother to 2, I have been married to my DH38 for 8 months, whom has 2 kids of his own, SD13 & SD11. For the rest of this post when I say DS’s I am referring to my youngest two as my older does not live with us. I had/have primary custody of my two youngest DS’s and they and my oldest DS lived with me full time in the beginning and DH has 50/50 custody of his daughters with visitation being Thursday evening – Monday morning 3 weeks a month. We dated for 6 months before introducing any of our kids into the relationship and continued to date for almost a year before we decided to move in together and lived together for another year before we got married. When we first got together I have to say DH was the typical Disney Dad, BUT it always revolved around SD13 (at the time she was 11). If they were going to go out to eat she always got to pick the restaurant, if they were going to a movie she picked the movie, it was always what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. His youngest daughter would act out a lot but as an outsider to his relationship with his girls I could see why she did so, they never did anything she wanted to do. I sincerely tried to make this up to his youngest daughter by always making sure to ask her what movie she wanted me to rent or what food she wanted me to cook when they came over and it seemed like me and her really hit it off. But I do have to say both girls were very disrespectful to DH, they both would talk back to him, would both scream and yell at him, they would ignore him and were just flat out rude to him.

Before we moved in together we had several long discussions with all kids involved to make sure things would go smoothly, they all agreed that it was what they wanted too. But before we moved in together I decided to have a heart to heart with DH and discuss his Disney Dad habits and what I saw as him pushing his youngest daughter to the side. I really did not expect it to go as well as it did but I could see the wheels a turning during our discussion and it was like the light bulb went on over his head. He finally understood why his youngest acted out the way she did and what he was doing. He vowed to try to change things and turn the pattern into a new direction. So we moved in together…..

Things are great….well sort of, neither of the SD’s knew how to clean up after themselves, neither of them knew how to help out around the house at all, they were both slobs. I have always made my bio kids help, they are responsible for their own rooms, they help clean after each meal, they help with laundry, and every Saturday morning before we could do anything else we would all spend about an hour doing our Saturday cleaning (toilets, tubs, floors, etc). I taught my boys to do housework and taught my daughter how to change a tire, there is no reason for anyone to reach adulthood without being able to care for themselves. Now I will admit I am OCD when it comes to a clean house, no dirty dishes are allowed, if you dirty it you clean it. But I feel that if everyone picks up after themselves and helps out then there is no reason for the house to be a mess. DH says this is one of the many things he loves about me and agreed his girls should help……….that didn’t go over so well, especially with OSD. YSD actually started helping and acted like she enjoyed learning. OSD would give daddy those big puppy eyes and let a crocodile tear slide down the cheek and end up not doing anything. She would run back to BM and tell how horrible we were to her (have I mentioned that BM hates my guts?). And then DH’s phone would explode for days on end with nasty text messages about how he puts his whore before his kids.

And then OSD decided to start playing BM and DH against each other, but DH just didn’t think his princess would do that. She would tell BM how horrible we were to her and then come to us and complain that BM was horrible. She would come for the visitation and not bring her coat and then tell us that BM said she was not allowed to bring it to our house (DH bought the damn thing). After several similar incidents I decided to try something……”Really? Your mom really told you that you can’t bring a coat that your dad paid for to our house? Well let’s just call mom now and see what she has to say.” Her story changed very fast and DH realized his princess WOULD do that. Her life at moms was not horrible, the child had/has no rules to follow at BM’s, NONE, neither of the girls have to lift a finger, not even to do their own homework as their mother does it for them (BM’s sister has admitted as much to us). During all of this drama with OSD my relationship with YSD continues to grow and I fall head over heels in love with my new “daughter”. I did try to connect with both girls equally, I took them shopping, took them on a girls day to get our nails done and tried to bond with each of them but it just did not work. I have come to the conclusion that it did not work with OSD because she was the mini-wife. She thought she should be the one running the house. She always insisted that she be the only one to get to sit next to DH at the dinner table, he needed to go sit in her bedroom with her every evening instead of us all spending family time together, when she was speaking it was always directed at DH only and if anyone else said a word she would burst into tears and claim she could never have a private convo with daddy….. :sick:

After a while I guess it was not enough for OSD to bash me and DH to her BM she also brought my DS’s into it. She would tell her BM they bullied both SD’s, they called her names, they said BM was stupid. Of course my DS’s did say BM was stupid, right after OSD told them her BM hated them. And then one day all hell breaks loose, OSD and MDS gets into a disagreement before DH and I get home from work, so OSD calls BM to come get her and YSD, in which she did. I had major issues with it, that bitch had the nerve to show up at my house while neither me or DH were home and remove both SD’s during his custody period. And then had the nerve to threaten to make a police report against my MDS for a freaking child argument. So now it has been almost a year since OSD has come to see us, DH and BM have been to mediation and it was agreed that he cannot force either child to see him during his visitation (his attorney advised him to agree). He has gone to pick her up and spend a couple hours with her every now and then and always trying to convince her to come but she refuses. For a while she would say she would come as long as DS’s were not there, but since my ex is a deadbeat dad and hardly ever sees DS’s that wasn’t going to happen. She has given lame excuse after lame excuse as to why she won’t come, she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t feel safe in our house, she can’t do housework while she is there because helping makes her sick……..the list goes on and on. BM encourages her to not come, and tells her she doesn’t have to.

So during this past year everything went to hell with OSD and things seemed great with YSD, she continued coming during visitation, she went on vacation with us (me DH, DS’s), everything was great. Or so we thought, about 4 months ago her attitude changed drastically, overnight. She stopped helping around the house she started back talking and being very disrespectful. DH immediately put his foot down; he was not going to let this happen. The next weekend she was even worse, and DH stayed on top of it and did not let her get away with any of it. The next weekend she refused to come, and so on. When asked why she wouldn’t come she told everyone she didn’t like me, she told DH, MIL, FIL and SIL, she also told MIL that she didn’t like me because I would get mad at her and grab her by the arm, yank her across the room and shove her into the corner for time out. Now I will admit that I did send her to the corner at one point for screaming at her dad, but I NEVER touched that child and I know for a fact that if I had my DH would boot me faster than you could blink an eye. Now my feelings are hurt, very hurt because this child I have come to love claims to not like me, and is telling lies about me, but I deal with it and try to keep the hurt to myself because I know it can’t be compared to what DH is feeling when he isn’t getting to see his kids.

A couple of weeks ago YSD starts texting DH asking for money so she can go shopping, he tells her no, that if she won’t even come see him why should he give her money. So on the 5th of this month she sends him a text saying “You need to pick me up tomorrow I am staying with you this weekend.” Of course my DH is not going to say no but he did tell her he could not pick her up until Saturday evening because he was going to be out of town with work. None of this settled well with me, she hasn’t been to see us in months and now all of a sudden she is demanding he pick her up. Also, the weekend of the 8th was a mega important and busy weekend for us, we had plans that had been in place for 2 weeks. On Saturday my DH’s birthday, my daughter was being induced with my second grandchild. DH was scheduled to be out of town until that afternoon but then had plans to spend the evening with GD2, he wanted a fun GD2-Papa day, he wanted to take her shopping and to dinner and hopefully that evening bring her to the hospital to meet her new baby brother. Those plans were shot, totally because he had to pick up YSD and then go home, because we do not have enough room in our car for DH, YSD, DS12 and DS13 with a car seat for GD2……UGH. So anyway after my daughter delivered and my grandson was all settled in his mommies arms I headed home. Things seemed ok, the next day we loaded up into 2 separate cars to go see the new baby, and went out to lunch then back home. YSD then starts complaining about being bored and how boring it is at our house……..UGH again. I pretty much tried to ignore her the rest of the day. But I had a meltdown that evening, bedtime, everyone is heading off to bed, my boys hug me tell me they love me and then give DH a “slap” on the shoulder and tell him good night as always. YSD hugs DH says I love you and then attempts to hug me while saying “I love you”, nope I am not having this. I ask her “Why would you hug me and say you love me when you are telling everyone you don’t even like me?” of course she denies she ever said that, so I look to her dad, who says “You even told me that so don’t lie” of course she denies it again, so I told her “Your grandma told me you said it, are you calling her a liar”. Finally she admits to saying it, so I ask her why she said it, her response “Because I don’t like you and never have”. OUCH that hurt, I walk off, DH tells her how hurtful it was of her to lie to me for over a year saying I love you when she didn’t even like me, her response “ok”. I later went to her and told her that even though she didn’t like me I still love her, again her response “ok”.

Now here is my real question….Even with everything those 2 girls have put our house through, and trust me I did not even give the half of it, I still feel horrible for DH. I want him to have a relationship with his daughters; I see the hurt in his eyes all the time that they refuse to come see him. He does reassure me all the time that he does not blame me at all, that he blames their lazy self entitled crazy ass BM for it all, but I know he still hurts. So, next weekend my DS’s are supposed to go see their dad (rare occurrence) and I have been thinking about telling DH that if he wants I will go stay the weekend with my parents if he wants to see if the girls would come spend some one on one time with him. What do you all think? I really don’t want to leave my home so that they can come in and trash it, then me return to clean it up, but I want my husband happy and to have some sort of relationship with his girls. Help?!?!?!