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Valuable insight about OSD from YSD

Disillusioned's picture

YSD and I had a long talk this morning

She had stayed here last night after everyone went home, and DH had really vented to her about OSD and her treatment of me (I was not present for this discussion but heard about it) but as I was driving YSD back to BM's this morning (DH could not take the morning from work but I could) YSD and I talked about the upcoming wedding etc.. and then she started to tell me how BM is pulling her hair out with OSD right now

YSD told me that the 'hate fest' she has for BM's SO is back, and that there is no rhyme or reason that OSD treats BM's SO this way. YSD said she doesn't get it, one get together they will all have a great time and OSD and BM's SO are getting along fine, and the next one, OSD will bitch that she doesn't want to go, that she's not in the mood to see BM's SO, then will show up and treat him like crap etc..

This is of course exactly what I put up with from OSD

This was valuable information for me as I see it is apparently just the way OSD is :?

Between not so much as a text message of condolence when my brother died (although we had been as her place the night before spoiling her sons) no message to DH on his birthday, and of course the whole referring to me by my maiden name thing recently, I'm coming to realize that she really is just screwed up

Not even worth getting worked up about...she must be one very unhappy person!

I did take the opportunity to tell YSD that I love her, that she is a dream skid, and that I am grateful every day for her. She was very moved, and told me that it's mutual Smile

ESMOD's picture

Yep, it's hard to sometimes separate the issue of "Step" problem vs just a problem in general.

Disillusioned's picture

Yes jaspercat it was actually quite freeing to know that she just has problems...I knew this of course, but still feeling somewhat less burdened by it all

Amcc13's picture

It is good to know her vendetta is not just against you - perhaps it makes you feel less like the victim of her bully techniques??

Ps I know victim of her bully techniques is not right phrase but I can't think of better way to put it

Disillusioned's picture

Actually that is a really good way to put it Amcc13...she is abusive, but apparently not just to me!!

sammigirl's picture

This is exactly what I do; I began my disengagement six years ago. My SD will never let it go; she thrives on drama and gossip. SD lives one block up the street and drives by every day on her trip to the store, whatever. I have become very good at ignoring her and making myself busy, when she stops by (not often any more).

What you are suggesting "wineisthecure" works. It is an every occasion repeat, but it works. My SD gets absolutely no reaction from me. I act as if she isn't even in the area. My SD has gotten the clue, I understand her stopping to see her Dad, I have no problem with that part of it; with that said, she knows to leave me alone, thus that is all I ask.

Just yesterday, we are in the yard, she stops in the street and begins babbling, loudly from her car window, about when we are finished with our yard, we can come up and do her yard. I was working with my head down,, I completely ignored her, and didn't even look up. DH said a couple of comments to her; I can't even tell you what he said, and I don't care. SD drove off and just another day of working at my TOTAL disengagement.

Good advice wineisthecure.

ESMOD's picture

I think that kids will always have the most loyalty to their Bio parents. Just like most step parents on here say that they have the most for their own Bio kids. What do they say? Blood is thicker than water.

That being said, I just had an hour plus long conversation with my YSD18 last night. We talked about a whole range of things from her mom & dad's relationship to her sister to her grandparents to YSD's relationship with her BF.

Make no mistake about it, YSD loves her mother but fully understands her faults. Like we both said last night. Everyone did the best they could and people aren't perfect. She knows we love her and she loves all of us. Of course, she is always going to want to stick up for her mom and hates it when people put her down even though she knows her mother has serious flaws. But, she is also an adult enough person to realize that her mother hasn't always been a very nice person to her dad (or me).

How can things be managed long term? Every one has their own individual relationship with the other people. I don't need to get involved or be part of the family unit that includes her mother. That is and can be separate from me. It's like having friends that don't get along. You can have a friendship with both, you just can't combine them (or at least not for very I don't see any reason why the OP can't continue to have a good relationship with the YSD.

Disillusioned's picture

I understand what you're saying StepAside

It is a little difficult to manage having one SD who refers to you as her "other Mom" and treats you like gold, and another one that despises you and dreams up plots to hurt you every day

And yes I'm sometimes a little suspicious...that YSD may not like me all as much as she publicly professes Sad especially since DH confessed to YSD a couple days ago that he was very very fed up with OSD's behaviour and treatment of me, YSD suggested to him that he and OSD get together (without me) that he bring a notebook, and note all her grievances.

When DH said that he was sick and tired of those chats with OSD and that she needs to grow up, YSD told him that there are two sides to every story and he should allow her to voice her issues

And when DH said sarcastically that it better be one BIG awful thing I've done for all this stink, YSD said well maybe there is something Sad and when DH said what could that be YSD, she simply said she has no idea, she doesn't think or act like OSD, but that she should be able to have her say

I asked DH if he felt maybe YSD was siding with OSD (they are close and YSD usually defends OSD) but DH said no, definitely not, she doesn't understand why OSD acts like she does, but tries to give her the benefit of the doubt too...

sammigirl's picture

At east you know it's not just you. Keep in mind that these girls ARE SISTERS. You can be friends with YSD, but DO NOT say anything to her that you wouldn't say to OSD's face; it will probably be repeated. It's not a trust issue with YSD and you, as much as it is normal to protect your sister, and to have girl to girl conversation with your sister.

MY grown SS's will say, "grown SD is a witch"; but that is for them to say, not an outsider. If I was to say the exact same thing, SS's would defend SD; I would not expect less.

I have a good relationship with my grown SS's, but only because I never get involved in their relationship with SD or DH. I have always kept out of it; my grown SD just would not stay out of DH and my marriage; the SS's always have stayed out of our business.

You can have a very healthy relationship with YSD, but leave OSD out of your relationship. Disengage from OSD completely, which also means you never talk about her to anyone, except on this site of course.

Good Luck. You seem to be level headed; use your head and handle it all with class. It's not easy, a full time guard against OSD, but worth it.

Disillusioned's picture

Well said Plums, and great insight about YSD especially. Sounds like you definitely have experience dealing with a very similar situation!

Disillusioned's picture

Very true Plums, I normally don't discuss OSD with YSD, and no I would never ever bad-mouth OSD to her...that wouldn't go over well Sad