"Never sit at a table that your wife is not welcome at even if that is a family table."
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With the number of STalkers that are burdened by a mate without the testicular fortitude (whether those be man balls or lady balls) to make this a hill to die on with their family's treatment of their life partner, this made a strong point with me.
It was part of a Reel I saw this AM.
I hope that I would not tolerate it even if it cost me any contact with my own children or GKs. Though I have no BKs or GKs.
I also do not tolerate being excluded from a table that my wife is at with her own family. I am confident that she would not tolerate it her own family tried to exclude me.
What is it about so many failed family refugees that they have no balls to take this stand?
I've always been of the mind
I've always been of the mind that you have to have your spouse's back. It's a basic rule. While DH was in early-days denial about his daughter's very nasty passive aggressive behavior toward me, the skids knew, I think, that they might lose their dad if they crossed certain lines. One of those lines was excluding me. But I knew they, especially SD, hated me, so I excluded myself. I never attended a graduation. I did attend that horrific wedding (mistake, but I needed to go to support my husband).
I have been fine with DH seeing his kids without me, outside of our house, because I could not tolerate their behavior in our home and I really don't like them.
This works for us. Had his kids said, "She's not invited" or "We don't want her here," I think fireworks would have ensued.
The weird thing is their behavior was still horrible. There were times I did tell him that if anyone in my family treated him the way his kids treated me, I'd have told them to go get. . . . They just knew where the line in the sand was and they expertly danced around it.
I think tolerating bad behavior and allowing your spouse to be a victim of your kids' bad behavior is rooted in a deep fear of losing your kids, something I think these guys should face,
The caveats on how to deal with it all are nearly endless.
I applaud that you established and enforced boundaries and that your DH made it clear to his baggage children that there was a line that they dare not cross.
Not all Skids are baggage. They are one of those you know them when you see them topics.
I took the "I'm the bear, poke me and it will be a FAFO lesson." position. Fortunately the only people who poked were the SpermClan and it was my pleasure to take the nuclear option when they did. It did not take too many years for my bride to come to the position that she would vaporize them before I had to.
MorningMia said "I think
MorningMia said "I think tolerating bad behavior and allowing your spouse to be a victim of your kids' bad behavior is rooted in a deep fear of losing your kids, something I think these guys should face, "
This is what is behind their spineless behaviour. But like Mia, I have excluded myself and have gone no-contact with SD30 after months of insults and name calling from her in 2022. I have no desire to be in the company of someone who hates me, even though I probably could continue to see her, I choose not to.
What we will and will not tolerate is our choice.
What infuriates me is the simpering failed family breeders who keep begging back to these noxious spawn leaving their spouse behind. Tolerating this from their baggage even once is too much and the quality adult partner to a a new SPartner would and should never do it and should never tolerate that crap from their children or extended family.
Neither partner in the new relationship should.
That is where the not sitting at a table that your wife/husband is not welcome comes in. I do not give a crap if a Skid likes their parent's new spouse or not, or if the IL clan likes the new spouse or not. They for damned sure treat the spouse withrespect or they will suffer to the fullest that the newly partnered person with the baggage can bring to bear.
Though my default would likely be that my wife and I will sit at that table together and anyone who takes exception to it can F-off. Deliverying that message should be so pointed and brutal that the noxious spawn or any other form of baggage would go to the ends of the earth to avoid a repeat of the choice they made to test the repartnered person on the topic.
Not withstanding any influencing history of course. No doubt there is much of that in many blends.
Agree...
and for the most part, my DH has had my back, though it did take a few years. I've never been excluded...well, that's debatable....but for the most part, if DH was invited, I was, also. And I agree with MorningMia...deeply rooted fear of loosing his kids is the answer for my guy, too.
Yet here I am with MorningMia and Kes....in that I made the choice to stay away. Going to any events where SKs were present was horrible; the fake niceness, the Passive Agressive remarks and behaviors were just too much. I prefer sending DH and I stay home with my pups and a peaceful home.
But there is another layer of my disengagement. I do not do anything for DHs kids or grands. Nothing. I do not buy gifts, entertain, babysit, send greetings, etc. I am simply DHs wife and mom to my bio chidlren. If I can't have the respect of being a SM or a SGM, then I'd don't do SM or SGM things for those humans. Again, simply DHs wife.
And there you have it - you
And there you have it - you cannot FORCE a SKID to behave nicely to you, nor can their father - nor can you demand that your spouse cut ties with his children. So it comes down to a choice between suffering horrible behaviours towards you - or opting out and your spouse sees his children without you. We seem to have reached an accommodation with DH seeing his adult kids every couple of months or so, and I don't go with. It's not perfect but it is OK.
For me, a child, even a kidult, does not get to dictate to their
parent(s).
I cannot imagine being disrespectful to my fathers bride. That, in my case, my fathers bride is my mother did not prevent that message from being clear. The same applied to my mother's husband.
Many of my positions are based on that history and example. I have done my best to use that example that my parents have lived as the foundation of my own marriage. Fortunately, my bride is in agreement. We have used this model in our journey from our beginning and raised SS to use his intellect and respect his parents and adults in his life. Even the SpermClan. We did not badmouth them, but neither did we tolerate any crap migrating from SpermLand to our home and life together. When SS would come home loaded with SpermGrandHag crap, we sat him down, explained the facts and truth, showed him relevant documents, and answered his questions.
So we have not had this type of thing to deal with.
*Kindred spirits*
*Kindred spirits*
Funny enough DH quoted this
Funny enough DH quoted this exact quote from a reel he saw too when SD was refusing to come to our house and demanding she see him without me. Dh always had my back and SD now shows her face here and acts civil and respectful toward me.
I did absolutely nothing for her birthday this year and it was evident as DH didn't make much effort as we normally do as I would do most of the work (cake, dinner and present shopping) so maybe that's why she's trying to be nice to me again lol.
Great man brains work alike.
I'm glad that he has character and confidence to be your best partner.
Good men partner with good women/partners.
Yeah. I can't believe some of
Yeah. I can't believe some of these weak d-bags will actually go to dinner with their kids and exes while their wives are left at home because the ex or skids will "get upset." Why get married at all?
Respect your spouse and respect yourself
My Dh struggled with this over the years just trying to make SD happy not the ex. The only time BM wanted him to herself was during her divorce. She told DH he needed to make "their family together" a priority by spending time alone with her and SD. She asked for dinner dates, lunch dates, and weekend trips just the 3 of them. My only response to this was I wouldn't be waiting at home while he played house with his ex. Dh knew it wasn't appropriate and wasn't going to entertain her dumb ideas. Dh let BM know he is not court ordered to spend time with her and wanted nothing to do with her.
My SIL is currently having her life ruined by her husband's BM. Her Dh makes her do whatever BM wants. This man will actively make time in his and her schedule to accommodate BM with anything and everything, regardless if it involves the kids they share together. The youngest is 16 and the other kid is an adult but they are still jumping through hoops to please this woman. SIL said it's easier to do this and she let's them have the kids more if they just keep her happy. Keeping her happy involves babysitting her 5 other children, driving them to their extra curriculars, and running errands for BM. I couldn't imagine being a slave to another woman just because my husband procreated with her 20 years ago.
Yet, SIL won't stand up for herself she stays being a door mat. This last incident should have been the end of catering to their BM. SIL planned a huge event for her step son (my nephew). She paid for everything and planned it all. It was thousands of dollars and months of work. Her husband's BM didn't contribute anything but took credit for the whole event. BM had an attitude the minute she arrived and continued. Her jealousy brewed all night and at the end in front of 150 people she had a complete melt down. She cussed out SIL, screamed at her in front of the entire crowd, threw soda cans. She threatened to beat up SIL and BM's husband had to physically drag her to the car.
SIL's husband blamed her for everything and told her she ruined his son's night. He refused to talk to her for days until SIL apologized to his BM who instigated the whole event. To make peace SIL and her Dh offered to take 4 of BM's kids on a camping trip for the weekend. BM was happy and came over for dinner at their house that night. Instead of saying to eat she left her kids and took off alone saying she would be back later. Well one of BM's kids was hurting the family pet pulling his ears and banging on his back. Naturally, the dog nipped. BM came back guns blazing with police and animal control. SIL's dog was taken away for 2 weeks and they were fined. It was a surface abrasion and didn't require antibiotics or stitches. BM filed a lawsuit for compensation for damages and emotional distress. Medicaid paid for it all so it didn't cost her a dime.
Yes, SIL and BIL are partly to blame but it wouldn't have happened if they put BM in her place and quit letting her back into their lives. Yes, they share kids (even though the are pretty much grown) but they didn't have to become a door mat to BM.
Oh my goodness....
I feel like those only in stepland truly understand this type of situation.
I am empathetic to your SIL's plight; however, like some have mentioned, you can not make people treat you with respect. What you can do, is set limits to what you will or will not tolerate. She is treated this way because she allows it by coming back for more. One must love and value oneself for others to do the same. I truly hope she figures this out.
Your SIL should post here.
Your SIL should post here. She could use the support if/when she decides to stop being a masochist. Bending over backwards for BM sure is "keeping her happy." I hate to think how she acts when she's mad if that's her "happy."
Babysiting BM's 5 unrelated vagina varmints? Really?
My flabbers are fully gasted by this.
Your SIL, is a moron and so is her DH.
Time for SIL to take this POS for everything and get on with her life. If I were her, I would start by pressing charges for assault at the event dragging all 150 witnesses including her own idiot DH to the stand. If SIL's DH says a word about it, she needs to rekey the locks, cut off his nuts, and send him crawling back to BM. The cutting off of his nuts is figurative of course. Unless she can get away with going Elena Bobbit on him.
Grrrrrr!
If I were her I would also try to gain custody of her SS to save him from rotting in that fully shallow and polluted gene pool. There is little chance of that but I would make the effort so I could drag the idiot husband through that ringer in court and have documented records to engage the SS after he ages out from under the CO he is currently cursed under.
Wow!
I agree...
...with the general concensus of removing yourself from the situation. I have never been excluded from events, but I find myself not interested in attending. They talk about me behind my back but play 'kiss kiss' to my face. Yuck. No, I do not want your hugs. I want to be treated with respect. In addition to the unhealthy stress, they are not people I would choose to spend time with. I spend my time and energy on those who are genuine, kind, and loving, not those who won't talk to me but talk about me. Life is way too short for that.
Agreed, it does seem like fathers are afraid of losing their children. From the beginning my husband knew I loved him and wanted him in my life, but I did not need him in my life. I think knowing that I would walk was what opened his eyes to the fact that, yes, he did need to show up for me and support me in all ways. This was never a threat, but an unspoken understanding. I am self-sufficient and I have worked too hard to get healthy and whole to let his family dysfunction interfere with that. The bottom line is that we are both 'givers' and by the grace of God, he and I will grow old together and take care of each other. I think he saw the writing on the wall and has realized there are a lot of 'takers' in his family. Many times the truth is painful; I know, because I have experienced the same with my family.
From the beginning my husband
Yes, yes, and yes! I just worry about the SMs who do feel they need their DHs, primarily because of finances. It's got to feel like a caged place to be: disrespected yet feeling you cannot easily escape the situation. . . or, worse, that you somehow deserve it or "asked for it." ("You knew what you were getting into!") Or even feeling emotionally entrapped.
How do we support them?
???
That is a great question! No, they do not deserve it nor did they ask for it! First, I believe we need to empathize with where they are at, while understanding there are countless reasons for why they may be there. Maybe they grew up in a dysfunctional family and do not know any differently, yet they do know their situation 'does not feel right'. Maybe they are financially dependent. Maybe they cling to misplaced hope that their spouse will change. Maybe...just maybe...their spouse will change. (Though the longer one is in a dysfunctional dynamic, the harder it is to change that dynamic.) Maybe they do not believe in themselves and their power to write their own story. Maybe they have not hit rock bottom. Etc. There are so many reasons....
1. Meet them where they are at. No judgement, just love and understanding.
2. Hear them. For many, this is enough. Being seen and heard is comforting, and can lift the weight of feeling alone.
3. Offer a different viewpoint, but understand that they may not be willing to 'hear it'. That's okay, the seed is planted. Sometimes that seed needs to be planted over and over again.
4. Present options. Understand, though, that what works for some may not work for all. Assist them in defining their viable options.
5. Understand that it may take time...sometimes, a whole lot of time...to implement changes. Cheer them on when they make those baby steps, because those baby steps can turn into big steps and pretty soon they may be running. Not running away, but running toward something better. Running toward self respect. Running toward freedom. Running toward a healthy, new way of life.
6. Celebrate the 'wins', no matter how big or small.
To those who may be living in stephell, see no way out, and need to hear it: You matter! As Mia said, you do not deserve it nor did you ask for it! Do not suffer in silence. Reach out to a trusted friend or a qualified therapist. Vent here on StepTalk. You can rewrite your story and become a cycle breaker. Yes it's tough, but it's worth it.
Remember, you matter and you deserve all the blessings life has to offer. Reach out and grab them.
Though I am the SP in our marriage...
Even at the very beginning of our nearly 31 year marriage, I was adamant that my then teen single mom bride and I were partners. Though mine has been the primary income for most of our marriage, her education and mine was a key priority for me/us. We invested many years in her university and graduate school and in my grad school as well. Then in professional certifications for each of us and prioritizing careers based on opportunity at any given time.
As the SParent I did know what I was getting into. I was getting into an equity life partnership where we build a life of adventure and love for the ages together.
So many in blends for some reason fail to recognize this. On both the breeder side and the SPartner side.
It is very sad to me.
For the past two years, for two years during peak COVID, and for a year when the semiconductor industry imploded hers was the primary and sometimes sole income. I worked intermittent consulting while her career was the stable one.
She does not need my income, I do not need hers. Though we have never had her income and my income. We have always had our income. We have built our life, our careers, and our resources together. I cannot fathom a situation where my mate would feel secondary or held as beholden to me. We are in this together.
Neither of us would have it any other way. In large part due to the experiences we each had with relationships prior to ours.
@Rags it's very interesting.
@Rags it's very interesting. Because my DH told me he's having dinner with the SKIDs and indicated I am not invited. I shrugged my shoulders and went about my day. While running errands I got a little sad and felt left out but then thought...why? To go there and be treated like I don't exist and have forced conversations that they want no part in? Is that a good use of my time?? So I made other plans with girlfriends.
Later that day DH turns to me and asks what my plans are. I tell him. he then peddles back and tells me "there must be a misunderstanding" and that I am invited to join him and his regal bunch after I just coordinated a nice evenign with friends. I choose to be direct- I said there was NO misunderstandign on my part. It was very clear I was told I am not included. I moved on, made plans already and not changing them. I had an excellent time.
Love to get your reaction to my DH's behavior.
!
I would love to hear your husband's reaction to you making other plans. Kudos to you for doing so!
His response was "I would
His response was "I would love you to come to the dinner."
My response: "That was clearly not an option yesterday, thus I made plans."
His response: "There must have been a misunderstanding.
My response: "No. Your communcation to me was clear."
His response "Oh. Well, it would be really good to have the family altogether."
My response: "That should have been clearly stated before I made plans. I now have 6 friends meeting me and we are going to have a blast. I've made a dinner reservation and I am very excited to see them"
Silence.
!
Well played! I hope he will think twice before excluding you again.