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My third post

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Due to the never ending fight that seems to be my marriage. I found this place, and I really like it, I know that there's no accountability here, but the affirmation is really nice, and the criticisms give insight. 

In my last posts, I didn't give very much information about me, just about my wife and her ongoing situation. I actually do have a child with my wife, shile she has a daughter that she brought into the relationship. Like I said, not a bad kid. Just regular annoying kid stuff to deal with, not unmanageable. 

Most of the fights I have with my wife are centered around the (absence) of parental instincts toward my stepdaughter. I truly can't help it, I've tried, but it's just not there, at all. It's not that I despise the child, because I don't, but I also don't feel like doing the parenting stuff (going out, playing games, supervising.) Prior to us getting married, I told her that I'd try, and I really did, but the feelings never came, it was fake, and I told my wife that. I stopped acting, and then later we were married. 

There wasn't much conflict until my own child was born. Feelings came into play that never existed in me before. I am all over this kid, I do absolutely everything, I insist to, it just feels right to do it. I'm super protective of the child, and it's like I can't help it. I sometimes flinch when others go to touch her, and I don't enjoy it when it's not my wife or myself doing the touching. I feel like that will fade over time. My wife saw this new behavior, and found it appropriate to revisit how I am with her daughter vs my own child. I do still tell her the feelings are non-existent. I'm not mean to the child by any means, but I don't do nearly as much as compared to my own child, and I won't. It'd be fake, and who can live like that?

The arguments only escalate at this point. I am a calm person by nature, but I'm also a veteran, so I am in no way submissive. I'll argue with the best of them. I know I can't be the only one in this kind of situation. How have we at this forum handled this successfully?

flmomma08's picture

Well you've been honest with her about your feelings so she has to either accept things the way they are or move on. Most people never develop those feelings she wants you to have for your SD. She is not your biological child. My feelings for my BD are DRASTICALLY different than my feelings for SD. Aside from the feelings aspect, you have no responsibility or obligation to do ANY parenting of SD. It would be nice if everyone loved our kids as much as we (their parents) do, but it just isn't realistic.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Honesty is best, and I was honest coming in. In saying that, I didn't expect a free pass forever just because she knew. I expected arguments, but maybe not as huge as they've been. I'll chalk it up to stress from all of the court appearances, and the biodad sliding right back into the picture. (With the daughter, not with my wife. She insisted he only communicate through a proxy to her (changed cell numbers, no tresspassing signs in my long driveway - motion cameras to check and call the cops, etc.)

flmomma08's picture

It sounds like you're doing all you can do. The feelings she wants you to feel just aren't natural for the majority of people. As long as you treat her and her child well, she really has nothing to complain about.

Is she trying to replace the bio dad with you?

flmomma08's picture

Oh god. Maybe talking to a counselor would help her see her expectations are not realistic. Just make sure its a counselor who specializes in blended families! Sometimes they need to hear it from a neutral person.

Notup4it's picture

So this is the reason for all her alienation games (obviously!).... she has an “ideal” in her head for the type of life she wants to project and he doesn’t fit into the picture.  She actually probably in her head thinks that you would bond with her daughter if he is gone. 

No you aren’t going to bond to your SD the same as your bio (usually), but her pressure most likely isn’t helping that either.  I hope you do love her/grow to love her because she is your own child’s sibling and will always play an important role in her life.  But it has to come from within you, and not be an expectation. I think in steplife a lot of the bonding depends on personalities and how they click (or don’t)-  my DH and DD have very similar personalities and interests- he acts like a bio with her, and he is her “favourite parent” and when she needs something or has a problem she always goes to him first. But that is not something that has ever been expected. You guys might get closer as she gets older or you might not.

i still think though that you really need to set your wife straight..... you know what her motives are here and you don’t want her doing the same to you a few years down the road! 

bananaseedo's picture

Her expectations are completely unrealistic.  You need to have a neutral party/therapist explain that to her.  I think there is a reason they say most succesful blended families take at least 8 years to get to some kind of normal.  It's BIOLOGY that dictates the different feelings for our kids vs steps-it's just how it is.  Nothing will change that.

I feel as the bond that's missed for the kid being biologically yours- or being around since birth changes things....and then it takes quite some years to build a bond based on history- which takes a LOT longer then with our own...so yeah if I look back w/the animosity and disdain I felt for my troubled SD and all the crap she gave me-where now 10 yrs later we've built a bond based on history (even if most was unpleasant ha!)  and I do love her, I defend her even a lot when dh's family smack talks...I trust she cares for me too and we are at a really good place right now.

 

Rags's picture

You are an adult. You can make different decicions on how you act with your SD.  So, be an adult. Make different decisions.

If not... you are going to be paying CS to your XW and seeing your kid on a limited basis.  And... I think you kid would be better off with that than being with you full time in the event her mother chooses to limit your negative impact on her eldest daughter..  Particularly when you can't control yourself and act as adult with your child's elder sibling.

Take the actions of careing for and loving your Skid and the feelings will grow.  Just as importantly you need to model how to care about and for your daughters elder sister.

IMHO of course.

 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Criticism noted, however I don't know of a time that I haven't acted as an adult. 

I think that you feel that (accepting a child as your own) is synonymous with (acting as an adult). You are certainly entitled to that opinion. I would never give up custody of my daughter. There are several legal factors currently involved with her court battle with her daughters father, that she's openly stated that I can move with my daughter back to my home state with my large family. (I have it in writing, and I am the main caregiver of the child since birth.)

As far as my interactions with my stepchild are concerned, I feel it's pretty light after reading through a lot of these forums. I don't hate the child at all, there's no resentment, I'm just not her father. She's got a father. Could your opinion be attributed to something other than how you feel all step-parents could be? I seem to get backlash because I'm a man that doesn't accept children as my own.

Rags's picture

I am also a man.  My SS was saddled with an endless series of the flavor of the month SO's that his father paraded through his life and bred the next three also out of wedlock spawn by two additional baby mamas with.

He and I are extremely close.  I raised him as my own.  Early in my relationship with his mom I struggled with how I dealt with him and felt about having the child of another man in my life.  

His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo.  He is approaching 27.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

Long story short, I chose my wife which included her son. Who is also my son.  We do not have an ours child so I have not experienced that part of what you are experiencing.  Accepting my wife's child was a choice. When I chose to accept him and I chose to take the actions of loving him and being his dad... the feelings grew.

My comments are driven by extrapolating my experience and overlying it onto what you describe.  My son was never accepted by his SpermClan.  He was entirely accepted by my family.   My acceptance of him, raising him as my own, and my family accepting him made a huge difference in his life.  He is a successful man of character and standing in his profession and community.  The remainder of his SpermClan are all wastes of skin.

You can make a difference in  the life of your daughter's sister.  A big difference.

Just my thoughts of course.