Desperate for help
Hi, I'm reaching out, desperate for help and advice... I feel isolated. I don't have friends who are part of a blended family and often feel like I have nobody to turn to.
I am the step-mom to a 5 year old. My husband and I have a child (1 year old) together. We co-parent our 1 year old with minimal conflict.
We can't seem to co-parent my step daughter sucessfully. We've gotten into several HUGE fights, and although I love my husband more than anybody in this world, the problems have gotten so big and unmanageable I think we have both questioned divorce. I knew going into this that being a step-parent would be hard, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I've questioned leaving my husband not because I don't love him, but because the problems have gotten so unmanageable.
The problems...where to begin... A lot of our issues stem from behaviors issues and our approach to discipline. If I just 'stay out of it', my husband gets mad that I'm not involved. If I get involved, I'm the big bad step-mom who has nothing nice to say. How do you handle discipline with your step-children? Does your partner (child's parent) handle it? Do you get involved?
I'd love to connect with somebody about step-parenting. My husband and I have only been married two years, we have a lot figure out.
Welcome to Step talk.
Welcome to Step talk.
If per chance you have watched dr. phil on TV discussing the topic of divorced then joined new families, or among other psychologists you would have heard the role of a step parent is to step back. Step back and do not attempt or insists to co-parent someone else bio child.
Your obligation is to your own bio child and dh is obligated to all of his bio kids. Regarding your step children... DH provides discipline, DH deals with school, DH runs the kids to activities, DH takes them to the doctors, DH makes their school lunches, DH grounds them DH, DH ungrounds them. DH washes their clothing, dh makes his kids rules IN the house...see what I mean.
DH job is to arrange babysitting when he is not around..YOU can offer if you want but frankly when and IF you want to.
Focus and put your bio child 1st always. Your child depends on and deserves YOU.
I always took on a role
I always took on a role similar to an aunt or babysitter. If I'm the only one around or if I see something that needs to be handled immediately I'd step in and resolve it but her dad always handled anything with punishment involved and basic behavioral issues.
SO was often defensive though so I did try to pick my battles.
Me too, with the aunt role.
Me too, with the aunt role. I played with SS and helped out sometimes with pick-ups, etc, but I never had to discipline. SS knew that I would let DH know what he did and DH would deal with it. He was a fairly easy going kid anyway.
He was eventually alienated by BM, but that had nothing to do with me or my role.
You can not live wugh SK
Not have power to discipline! You have to have the power to discipline on the spot. And then talk to DH about long term punishment will be. If you play games, with DH by having a list of problems every day you are not accomplishing anything.
The key stone to success in a
The key stone to success in a blended family marriage is a combination of the equity life partners being equity parents to any children in their home regardless of kid biology, and establishment and enforcement of reasonal standards of behavior. That makes you an equity parent to not only the BK that you share with DH but also to you SD.
The second key element is establishment and enforcement of the standards of behavior that will be held in your home. Once those are documented you can roll them up and beat DH about the head and shoulders with them when he cries either that you are disengaged or are the big bad mean SParent. This will as key to managing your DH as it will be in managing the behaviors of the children in your home.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.