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Mother in law creates a bigger army of hate

Jackielynn2000's picture

Hi again. Im feeling so enraged. I thought after the blocking and zero contact with in laws that it was the end. My in laws all live over 1000 miles away and all moved within the last few years.

My sister in law whom is my husband's half brothers wife(also lives out of state very far) has kept in contact with me despite all the drama and hatred towards us. Shes told me a few times that she would like to not talk about other issues in the family and keep our relationship seperate and I thought that was so wonderful and mature of her. So that's what we did. She recently visited last week and she locked in lunch plans 3 weeks before her trip. She really wanted to see my Dd3(ours child) and hand made her all these doll clothes with a special doll for her. I thought that was so thought ful and kind and we all had a nice time at lunch!brother in law sister in law myself and my dd3. My dh did not go as hes alwsys had a weird estranged relationship with his half brother who's 14 years younger. They never fought but my dh was raised in a seperate state away from his sister and half brother with his father.

Anyway-long story short stepkids almost 15 and 17 have skipped visiting on and off for years-sd17 made up a false allegation that lead to cps in my home. I hired an attorney because I'm a pediatric health care worker and didn't need this nonsense to ruin my career or God forbid intrude on ours dd3 life. Ever since then my dh and both girls have barely seen each other. They have been so hateful and disrespectful and have given my dh altimatums  on choosing them or me. Or just plain nasty and tell him he's a loser deadbeat ect. Just random messages to try to hurt him. He's been there for them from day one. I used to be heavily involved and once saw them as my own. I met them at 3&5! Anyway sd17 who uses her autism excuse for every bad behavior in life has on and off apologized but now back to being hateful. Refuses any family counseling even without me. She's recently told my in laws that we refuse to speak to her and who knows what other lies. Yes there was a point my husband blocked her because of all the hate mail but we did try again about 3 months ago and went to a lunch even with my dd3!  Just nonstop drama. Bm could care less.

Anyway now my sister in law and brother in law who I just had lunch with suddenly blocked me after our nice lunch. I was so confused and hurt and couldn't for the life of me figure out why. My dh then said "it's probably my mom who got into their head". He unblocked his mom last night and said "I hope you didn't have anything to do with the sudden blocking of SIL and BIL after their nice lunch". And she said "they are adults and can make their own decisions. They are in the middle. How do you think it makes me feel that they get to see my granddaughter but I cant?". This is the woman who recently told my dh that the reason sd17 has problems is because dh "abused her as a child". This is the woman who told me several months back that I need counseling and was aweful to me. Does she really think she has entitlement to ours dd3 if she isn't good with her parents???

My dh then told her to loose his number and address and never talk to him again. Blocked her again.

I feel foolish. I let someone in on that side of the family. I never once discussed any family issues or even mentioned anyone's name. Never at lunch or any time we talked via text. I just feel hurt. One reason I'm so scared for my sds to see my dd3 is because I don't want to say "here's your sister's " and then they block and disappear again. My dd3 did mention the lunch to dh last night from a week ago. Hoping in time she forgets. 

I just dont understand how my dhs family can be so hateful and literally build an army of hate and blocking. 

Then my sd15 called my dh crying last night begging to see us again. Says she's sorry for not visiting the last year. Ugh my anxiety is up the wall the last 24 hours. This is why I love life without all them! I never ever have anxiety until one of them pops up with bs!!

shamds's picture

With no care or concern for your minor child who could have been taken away by cps and you losing your job and then has the nerve to tell daddy its them or you, pick one??

why on earth would any parent with a level head want to pick those horrible daughters who didn't care that their minor half sibling would be taken away by cps and essentially do not respect or care/love their dad if they're horrible enough to do that. Its fake love and more proving to them they mean more than you all.

my eldest sd pulled the same nonsense almost 4 yrs ago telling hubby he abandoned them to marry me and have 2 young kids with me yet in front of inlaws fake being great sil's despite meeting them only 3 times and completely ignoring the fact they chose to cut off contact for over 5.5 yrs with their dad which was 2 yrs before hubby even married me or even got to know me. 

we are always the convenient scapegoat

Jackielynn2000's picture

Trust me I'll never ever trust that kid again. I won't even consider lunch again. The last lunch 3 months ago was for my dh because again I truly thought it would change(she kept saying sorry again and wanted to make amends) then after lunch we get more hate mail. She seems very unstable and that scares me. My husband says he doesn't want to see her at this time.

Sd15 called last night crying her eyes out and told my dh to tell me she misses me and loves me. She stopped coming over almost exactly a year ago because we were "mean to her sister". Now she says shes her own person and doesn't think the same as her sister. I feelnlike they are both unstable and both very wishy washy. My dh says hes going to start doing lunches with sd15 but I'm very nervous to be involved. Right now I do not wish to. When cps investigated both of the kids the report made it look like both kids agreed they wanted no contact with me. I think she needs to prove loyalty to her mom so being friendly with me is too conflicting.

Winterglow's picture

Personally, I would insist that the lunches take place anywhere that is not your home. Do not go with your dh - this is his responsibility and his choice. Do not go anywhere near these kids. Besides, the chances are pretty limited that they'd miss you, right? Oh, and I would not allow your dd3 to be anywhere near then. 


shamds's picture

It happens time and time again where they say give them another chance, its in the past, lets make amends, be the bigger person, lets start a blank slate

hubby can claim x,y,z but "actions speak louder than words!!"

sd's had no contact with you, they did not personally apologise to you or put it in writing that applogy and you therefore put up a boundary and that needs to be respected. 

Hubby tried the above with me, it was very simple i countered every bullshit thing out of his mouth like when he said "they apologised" i would respond with "no they did not, not to me and our kids" or when he said "they are better they love you" i remind him it wasn't long ago they blamed and told you off for marrying me and having 2 kids with me.

hubby couldn't do anything or say anything and he certainly didn't try for recent holidays to dare bring his daughters along. The youngest sd is 17.5 and she rarely messages hubby and on fathers day it'll be "happy father's day" then no contact for months.

i told hubby to manage his relationship with them outside of our home away from us and to never dare behind my back try planning an outing/event with them attending knowing full well i will not participate.

He tried that 3.5 yrs ago, i knew something was fishy and saw the messages on his phone. Had alot of trust issues back those years ago and he never dared try that crap again.

CajunMom's picture

Bottom line is to take care of yourself and your child. I took way too much toxic behavior that made me seriously sick (within StepHell). Today, I'm better. Only took about 3 years of intense counseling, and learning to embrace new thoughts and mindsets to get here. I haven't seen DH's kids in over 4 years; nearly 10 years for the one who accused me of emotional abuse. Like you, her lies could have jeopardized my career and volunteer work, where I have multiple clearances. DH has seen his kids outside of our marital home.

While I have softened the boundaries and allowed one to visit, I still have not interacted. There is a chance 3 of his kids may visit him next week, including the skank who lied about me. I understand DH and I are aging, and traveling across the country to see them is getting more difficult (and expensive), so our home is where they will need to visit him. I will not engage with his kids. They are not allowed near me or my dogs. Their visit will be limited to a few hours. 

Your situation is much more "dangerous" than mine was. You have a 3 year old. I'd insist your DH see his kid away from your home and keep any unnecessary updates of his kid to himself. You only need to know of behaviors that directly impact you and your child. Be clear with him on that. As for your inlaws and the SIL/BIL situation, do the same. Stay away. It's clear the SIL has believed the lies. That's on her. 

One thing my DH told me years ago. The people that KNOW you, KNOW what is said are lies. Those who believe the lies don't matter anyway.

Big hugs. I know this hurts you.

Survivingstephell's picture

I have an ours child and 2 very toxic skids.  I keep coming back to : why would DH put  BD3 in danger of being pulled from your home?   Why!?!   Estrangement in this case is a good thing.  My YBD hasn't had to deal with any of this stress and you think you might be hiding it from her but kids sense stuff.  Settle this with DH and move forward.  Create that peaceful safe oasis to raise her in. She deserves no less.  

Jackielynn2000's picture

Because he is such a softy to when they call him crying. It's like he's forgotten everything within a few minutes of tears. I see through it. My dd3 and myself will remain seperate and we have talked about it. My dh says that sd15 says "she will do anything to fix it". She left 1 year ago and has talked a lot of junk through messaging the last year and now suddenly so sad? I dont believe it. As much as I'd love to just welcome her back with open arms it would be very dumb and too trusting.

Kaylee's picture

Exactly. You don't want CPS on your doorstep.

These ferals (sorry but they are) have shown you time and again that they can't be trusted...

"Crying and saying she'll do anything to fix it" ??  I would put it to your H that you want a written apology from both of them and BM, a written undertaking that they will attend group family therapy, and a public apology on whatever social media platform they use. That apology must include an admission to all H's family that they LIED to them about everything re you two.

Only when they have done all that, and only if you see any improvement, will YOU even consider speaking to them. As for your bio, well that's a bridge too far in my book. They will probably never be trustworthy around her.

Never risk it.

If H wants to go and see his offspring, he goes on his own, away from your home. 

Winterglow's picture


Jackielynn2000's picture

Although I don't need a written apology I do need a lot. I actually don't even know if I could mentally welcome her back in my daughter's life  Telling my daughter that this is her sister.. My daughter is 3 but she is very intelligent she has recently asked me for a sister. I have not told her that these 2 exist.  The younger one was around her the 1st year and a 1/2 of her life but my daughter does not remember. I'm really upset with my husband right now because it seems that he has just forgotten about everything and keep saying house sincere house sincere younger stepdaughter was on the phone. 1. I just don't understand how he can just be so trusting and naive Eve. I told him to go see her outside of the home whatever but I am not ready to join that period I don't know if he even cares about counseling like I do I feel like we are not on the same page at all.. I think hes been wanting to be connected to one of them for so long that it's like hes dismissed every negative behavior or every everything that has caused issues with our marriage our marriage. I've never actually heard him say that CPS being involved is really a problem. I'm just so mad at him right now I don't know what to think. All I can think of is that we ourselves need marriage counseling.

Kaylee's picture

Although you say you don't need it, I personally believe that having certain things in writing is necessary.

It's a record of things, very useful.

Mommymode1985's picture

Your situation is everything I forsee and fear in my own life. It's so damn sad you share a child with this man and can't trust him to protect his family and see danger for what it is. I am so upset at my own DHs inability to look at the situation and see it for what it is. These dads are all cut from the same cloth. It's absolutely sickening to watch the personality change when the steps are involved, rules fly out the window, logic is suspended, right is wrong and up is down. I know how you feel.

Your extended family - just cut them off. Weak minded flying monkeys of narcissists. They're literally parasites sucking you dry. As far as your steps, I'd just make it clear to DH that your first priority ALWAYS will be your CHILD who is still a child and not grown (let's admit it, 15 and 17 isn't adults per se, but they're grown) and you would love to have a relationship with them if they show maturity and growth. My favorite thing to say lately is I cannot care more then their own mother, don't hold me to a standard of behaviours you don't hold them to, and if they were strangers acting this way would YOU be behaving this way? I don't give a FLYING FUCK who you are, and I treat my OWN this way. If you present a threat, you're gone. If my daughter lied about my hubby and brought CPS our way, I'd tell him to NEVER be alone with her and get cameras. For some reason bc we're women it's seen as cruel when we set boundaries bc we're supposed to be Mary Poppins and fix all issues with a smile and a blueberry pie.


Jackielynn2000's picture

Thank you for reading and responding. It truly helps to be heard and know others can relate. I want marriage counseling but last time we went all he kept saying is "kids want to be invited in and know they are wanted". Well yea-but he didn't hear us. I am too scared to just say come on back in! There's a lot that needs to happen b3fore thats.

I guess my sd15 told my dh that she won't even talk to the in laws because she wants us. Wait what?? How does she even know we don't talk to them? They must have tried to get her to join the army of hate too. We haven't told them anything. It's truly sad my dhs own mother who has been sooo nice to us the last 12 years has turned on us and gotten involved. But time to let go. And that's fine with me. I have an amazing family here in this State and we don't have these kind of family issues! 

Anyway I jusy had another talk with my dh just now. He says he will be cautious and he isn't naive to the past-he just at least wants to give her a chance to prove herself and I said ok fine. So we will see.

Harry's picture

CPS on me. They would be dead to me. I would totally disengage from all of this. Would not care if they are alive or dead. Well if dead I would send flowers. To be happy it's over. Your DH created these kids his bad parenting cause it.  I would not feel bad for DH. He a bad father it's not your fault .  

I would make sure he does not do the same on DD.  You must work on him being a good father to DD. She is 3 so still young still time to parent her the right way 

Jackielynn2000's picture

Lol you made me laugh but I get it. I requested the full cps report and there were so many lies. Bm of course made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Idk if they will ever fully understand until they are adults with their own children. In laws have also told the kids cps isn't a big deal. Yea not to them! But they don't work with medically fragile children as a nurse or have a toddler. 

My dad says my heart is too soft and I'm too trusting. It's a blessing a curse that I give evil people so many chances.

Survivingstephell's picture

Step life cured me if that.  I was the same people pleaser too.  Not so much anymore.  I'm just so tired out from all the drama that now it's over, I don't want to invite it back in.  Boundaries are my mantra now.  

Rags's picture

lying Feral Flying Monkeys of Narcissism.  I liked that one and will use it happily... with permission of course.

I would drag their entire clan through a reputational assassination campaign to ruin them and make their mouths a very expensive liability until they learn to not let their lips outrun their brains.  All based on the facts of their lies and the behaviors they perpetrate.


Lather, rinse, repeat.


CLove's picture

Thats another level of betrayal.

Definitely go with your instincts on this and dont let the SDs in easily. Sure, you can say "oh they were JUST KIDS and didnt know any better" but that doesnt even matter, what matters is you dont lose your kid and your career. 

SD23 Feral Forger likes to rewrite history also. Constant accusations to different people. She gets away with it because she always has someone there to give her money, rides or whatever. I think she uses her body for enticing males to do for her. Right now, no car no license and no college. Working parttime and crashed on Toxic Trolls couch. She will call dear old dad for holiday or when she needs something and then no contact.

I walk eggshells with SD16 Backstabber/munchkin. Shes at  a place where she will manipulate with toxic passivity. Silent treatment. Basically shes turned in to a BRAT. Doesnt get her way or you ask her to help out, and pouty mc pouterson comes out. 

Definitely keep those boundaries solid. They will test them.

Jackielynn2000's picture

I love that you all constantly remind me of the life I want. I cant go back to the insane drama days. I remember when I couldn't sleep so many nights because I was so stressed and anxious. That doesn't happen anymore ! My peace is restored

There was a part of me that said "don't go to lunch with them, they are close to in laws-but she was soo kind and reassured me many times she didn't want to be involved with drama and just wanted to connect on a seperate level. It's not a huge loss. That'd the first time I've seen them in 3 years since they moved. She hasn't seen me since I was pregnant. She (sister in law) would just write me and call me often. Too damn trusting. I'm cutting off anyone who'd connected to them going forward.

Survivingstephell's picture

you can create your new normal if you can stick with the boundaries and the uncomfortableness that goes with getting there.  They will test them, just hold on to them.  Its your key to finding peace.  Hopefully DH will want to join you, mine did.  

Jackielynn2000's picture

You have all taught me to stick to my guns and make sure I don't get too soft-too foolish again. Even if they think im evil and horrible I know what I want my future to look like. It will be drama free and not feel like I have with th3se steps the last 5 years of constant stress.