Jealousy seriously struggling
Hi I am 48, I have 5 biological children of my own ages 27-15, 3 years ago I split from my husband, summer of 2018 I met someone and fell in love like never before, he has one daughter age 12, at first I thought this is ok he only has one child, I've never been in a situation where my partner has had a child from another woman, i started feeling jealous early on, of I saw them messing around, something quite normal I felt uncomfortable, things have progressed, he has her regular times a week and alternative weekends, I find myself switching off,. Y mood changes dramatically when she is due to come, I love my partner very much and I really don't know what to do or where to turn next I feel very selfish and am totally aware this isn't right.
I feel the same
I feel the same and currently in the process of figuring out if I should leave so don't feel guilty or abnormal.
Do you think he should be
Do you think he should be jealous that you have FIVE kids with someone else? If not, then what makes it different for you in his case? I'm confused on who you saw "messing around", him and the kid? So it's more the kid you are jealous of then the BM? (Just asking questions to help you think about the issue).
I'd let him go until you sort this out, because you are right - it's not fair to him or any other man with a child to be dating them when you feel this way.
It's not that simple
I'm not it stupid I clearly understand my feelings,
The fact that I have 5 of my own children doesn't Come into this because it clearly doesn't affect him like it does me, I'm simply saying how it's affecting me and trying to get support. Not looking for an argument.
I'm not arguing, I'm asking
I'm not arguing, I'm asking questions for you to think about.
Sorry, I thought you wanted to solve your problem, but it appears you just want people to say your feelings are okay - my confusion. I was trying to help you solve it.
Agree with Tog and sorry you feel this way
but I think your kids do matter in this, in the putting yourself in someone's shoes situation. It sounds as though this man accepts your 5 kids so maybe what we are saying is, you need to figure out what your problems are with his kid so you can address it and at the very least tolerate his child.
Relationships are about give and take nothing is ever perfect. So if you really care about this man you should try to get to the bottom of it. It doesn't mean that you have to love or even like his kid in the end if there are real issues, it just means you need to figure out what the problem is. It also means you may have to cut him some slack if he actually is openly excepting your 5 kids. I can't speak for Tog but I think Tog might have been going in this direction also.
I'm glad you posted this. I
I'm glad you posted this. I have no children of my own even though I desparately want them. My husband and I have been trying for over 4 years and it hasn't happened yet. I've always thought one of the reasons it's so impossibly hard being a stepmother in my situation (childless) is because of the intense jealousy that my husband had and continues to have all those wonderful experiences with another woman through their daughter. It breaks my heart. I always thought it would be so much easier if I had a child with another man because we would be on a more equal playing field. Don't feel bad about your jealousy. I think it's just human nature when it comes to step families. The man you love mixed his genes with another woman and now dearly loves this other woman's offspring. Would probably die for it (the child - I'm not trying to be crass by saying it I'm just trying to make a point). I will say one thing to think about is that you are so incredibly lucky to have five children. And...your husband may very well be having some of the same feelings you're having but may be good at hiding them or not acknowledging them because he also has a child.
Good point. OP has a DH,
Good point. OP has a DH, five kids of her own, and seemingly DH and OP can be all huggy, kissy, touchy, feeling with her five, but he can't be just that way himself with his one own daughter? I can't help you with that one. I don't see it as a step-parenting issue so much as a personal one.
Welcome to the site!
Unless he and the SD purposely exclude you, treat you in such a way that makes you uncomfortable etc when they are interacting, then I think that the issue lies solely with you - and maybe something that you could explore for yourself in counselling or just through a bit of reading and introspection. Things like this can reawaken old childhood hurts where we may have felt passed over, excluded or second best.
Hi kes
Hi, yes I agree I think it lies with me solely so need to see what I can do going forward, I am ashamed of feeling this way but it is how I feel so its real to me. Thank you
Me
If anything I find I take myself out of a situation to be away from it, which is so damaging, my partner is very patient and always conforts me (he knows how I feel) then I feel. Bad for that! So I think it's quite complex, it's really difficult to explain but I feel like if we're all together and things are good then I find myself cutting it short and then he will come to me, so in a way I get him on my own, I know it's wrong, I need to look at finding something tajt is going to change the way I think.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have struggled with the same issues with my husbands daughters for the past 6 years. They are sweet girls who have accepted me and yet I still struggle with them. Please do your best not to feel ashamed or beat yourself up. I agree with the previous reply that sometimes these situations reawaken some issues deep down from long ago. I know it has for me. I try to repeat to myself over and over again that my SDs are not a threat to my marriage. My husband chose me and he is being a good father by nurturing them. I also try to remind myself that in a prehistoric human sense, it is natural to not want to care for or have resources taken from you by someone else's kid. It's a rough road, but as I said, know you're not alone or a bad person!
Exactly. It's like you're
Exactly. It's like you're fighting evolution by supporting another woman's offspring. It's not easy. I know we're not animals and we move past these things but I think that instinct is hardwired into us.
I also think one thing you
I also think one thing you have going for you is having your own children. Maybe you could try reminding yourself that he's probably fighting some of the same feelings regarding your children. You may be able to be more sympathetic to that.
But maybe the way you are thinking is telling you
That something isn't right with this situation. Whether what needs work is internal or external, stepping back and getting yourself a good therapist to talk through it will be much more helpful than we can here ( as amazing as many of these folks are).
Staying and continuing to be unhappy about your BF and his kid will damage the relationship most likely in the long run. Removing yourself emotionally to figure out what is going on may do you some good.
Thank you guys
There alot more to the situation really, my partner brought her up from a very young age due to mum having mental health issues, my sc herself displays odd like behaviour which I simply see as 'not right'' if I do something silly to my partner she wants to do the same, she's also very rude and seems to have no understanding because she has been Co parented 3 ways (dad nan and mum) but they only came back into the picture when she was about 4 years old, they parent her in a way to just keep her happy, she is very immature for her age, I hate that feeling of rage that overpowering at what my sensible mind sees as normal things but my inner self feel differently, it's horrible to be feeling this way, I've tried walking away but I love this guy, but this isn't going away, do I ride it out a few years and hope things get better for me (not sure if I can) or do I try and un pick things, we get on so well we're like the same person, when it's just us it's amazing.
Baby
I also feel. If we had a child things may be different but at my age that is highly unlikely, also if he had another child maybe again would be different? The fact it's his only child and she's a girl, I will never have anything for us to share, his joy is my dread and that is so difficult and so wrong and I'm determined to find a way through this as much as I'm sure you can all see I'm struggling, your input is helpful and thank you.
Don't feel bad about your
Don't feel bad about your feelings. They're completely normal. They suck big time but they are completely normal. How old are you? You may still be able to have a child with him. I'm 40 and still have hope even after 4 years with nothing and it doesn't hurt to try.
Im 50 next march
Im 50 next march
READ and reread these boards
And continue to jounalise your experiences and feelings.
I read your initial post, then the comments and I know there is more to the story as far as complexity.
What I am getting from you is that you do not feel like you would get what you get from THIS guy anywhere else. Also what I am getting is that this child is way far off the normal curve, due to genetics and upbringing. If she gets worse, what will you do?
Is counseling something that would happen if you insisted on it? Is your partner not parenting out of some kind of guilt?
I normally dont say run, but from just your post and comments, thats the feeling Im getting.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. We are so in love with this person and find it hard to deal with the fact that they love someone else as much (and maybe more) than they love us. I used to struggle with that too, especially the first few years.
How did I deal with it?
I finally realized that even if he didn't have any kids, he wouldn't love me any more. He loved me like a girlfriend or spouse and loved his children in a different way. No way is better. They are just different kinds of feelings.
I hope
I have the strength to pull something out of the bag, I'm still wondering if some kind of therepy may help, I find myself staying away from my sc because it's easier for me to, I know it's not right but it helps, I wish I had something to share with him, something we both love the same, my sc is just his daughter just like my kids are just his s childen, I'm already fearing things like milestone birthdays etc and how I will deal with it because it won't be my joy it will be his and his ex joy, why am I finding this so difficult x really appreciate the comments.
Just noticed the
Other comments, I can't run, we found something some people wait a lifetime for and sometimes never get, maybe that will change I don't know, things no doubt will get worse as she hits the teenager years, my partner is actually very good to be fair and treats us equally, it's me that is the problem unfortunately.
And
That one comment just struck a cord with me, knowing he loves someone as much if not more, really gets to me (and yes I know that's how it should be) Yr comment about him not loving me any more if he didn't have a daughter has helped me think, thank you x
Just keep repeating. . . He
Just keep repeating. . . He loves me like a wife, and he loves his child like a child. Those are two different kinds of love. They cannot be weighed on some sort of scale. But equally important, he should be treating you like a wife and his child like a child. In step-situations, sometimes these roles get reversed, and it can cause many issues. That's where the mini-wife term, for example, comes from. If DH treats his child more like a wife, as in talking to her as such, agreeing with her as such and giving her the benefit of a doubt every time, and, meanwhile, he is ignoring his wife in more of a child-like fashion, next thing you know, wife and SD are equalized to basically be one in the same by DH (other than s-e-x, of course), and they wind up competing with each other, as if they are one in the same. DHs like to cry, "Poor ol' me. I'm stuck in the middle," but they are really the ones who set it up that way to begin with, by turning their own child into the alpha-female in the household. A position that the wife should hold.
Yep. I think sadly some men
Yep. I think sadly some men might actually enjoy the feeling of two "women" competing for him. It's really messed up.
What do you mean "they
What do you mean "they started messing around"? Who? The father and the kid? confused
I am not sure that's something you wanted for a life time. You aren't happy he has a kid so you might be better off with a man who has no children. It doesn't sound like dream come true
That man with no kids doesn't
That man with no kids doesn't want to have to suck it up every time for her five, that's for sure!
Its definitely me
Just really ean tto find a solution to my feelings x
Just really
Want to find a solution for my feelings x
I think you need to figure
I think you need to figure out what, exactly, you feel jealous of. The time he spends with her? The fact that he loves her? The fact that he has a kid with another woman?
A person has the capacity to love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways. He shouldn't treat the two of you as equals, you are his partner, she is his daughter. It's different. If it doesn't feel different to you, maybe that is the problem.
Agree. His daughter should
Agree. His daughter should not be "equal" to you. She is his daughter. You are his love. I agree with a previous poster about researching miniwives. It's not a healthy parent child relationship and it can cause so much stress on the partner. The father is basically treating his daughter as his wife in every way except physically. It can cause an insane amount of jealousy because it basically makes you the mistress.
This may be way out there but
This may be way out there but ... is it possible that your entirely different situations may be at the root of this? You raised 5 kids and you dealt with all of them (no doubt) equally, handling all the situations as they came along. He, on the other hand, has only one and has poured everything he had into her existence... I ask because I have twin daughters and have (despite myself) a certain resentment towards people who only had singletons - I never got to bond with mine in the way I could have if I'd only had one. Everything was urgent and I just coped as I could. Is it possible that, after having dealt with everything in the moment, you are just jealous of the fact that youi never had the luxury of being able to actually dote on a single child?
This comment
Makes complete sense to me x
Hi and thank you
Hi the last 2 comments make alot of sense to me, i do feel jealous he has a child with another woman and that it is only one so everything is focused so much more (yes i know i have 5 of my own) i jusggled bringing my children up and also was on my own for 6 years with all 5 so i think im beginning to understand where my problem lies, does he love her more because he only has one and how do i deal with this, if i could have a baby with him i would without a shadow of a doubt, he only gets one chance at birthdays, graduations, wedding etc etc, thats gonna be such a kick in the teeth to handle, i totally know it sounds god dam selfish and i don't want to be this way, i do feel he loves us differently when i said equal i meant he doesn't try to love one more than the other x
Thanks
My partner too has his daughter 50/50, i hate to say but if it was just every other weekend i think i could cope better, he has her Tuesday Thursday and every other weekend so i find myself geering up to have her, its not as if its too much hassle its just not mine unfortunately, how can u enjoy other children's milestones when its not your child and the fact he only has one makes it more important for him i guess, he has one daughter to give away when that time comes, this will kill me i already know but he should have his moment because he wont get one again because he has no other children.
So
Hrs left to go pick his daughter up, im feeling shit actually feeling upset and a little mad for some reason, ive been so happy for the last 4 days.
Is it her, her behavior, his
Is it her, her behavior, his behavior when she's there, does he treat you differently when she's there? Is it just the reminder of the BM? If you can figure out why you feel this way, you may be able to try to understand it and do something about it.
Sometimes
Its her behaviour, its always a reminder as she looks and acts exactly like her mother! I feel jealous someone else has a part of him i cant have as bad as that sounds and its his only child so no other focus.
Ok
Im Gonna try and work out what it is, here goes, its not her not her behaviour, not how he treats me when shes here, very little to do wuth the BM, ITS THIS intense feeling if not having something with him we both love, the thought that he loves and cares for something so much and it ahs nothing ti do with me, it really hurts bad, only way i can describe this, does any of this make any sense at all, im desperate , the bm doesn't realise how good she has it with him being such a good father and has taken the piss out of him over the years, although he brought her up from a baby to the age of 4 rhen shared care from n then on he always paid £200 a month in child maintenance, he ssid he did this to make sure his daughter was OK (he doesn't pay now and hasn't for a while), so some has something to do with her i guess.
But, you have kids with
But, you have kids with someone else, that you love and care for, that has nothing to do with him.
We all have a past, we all have people in our lives that we love, that our partners don't necessarily love - kids, parents, siblings.
Do the three of you do things together? Have you bonded with her, at all, even a little bit?
Helpful
Coming in here when things happen and airing my feelings are helping in itself and thank you to all of u.
Yes
We have bonded some and i know i have kids with someone else but that isnt a problem for him so there isnt an issue there, we dont do things together, we've tried it just doesn't work out too well because me and her tend to clash.
So
He just collected his daughter until Monday and i had a complete meltdown and couldn't stop crying, i mean what the hell! He cane back and hugged me and i feel better for now.
Through all of this don't
Through all of this don't forget that YOU are the priority and you need to take care of you.
Deep breaths. Good luck.
Realisation
Ive come to the realisation i either deal with it or we split up.
How i feel
How i feel is still unchanged, i feel i have 2 different lives, one with him and then one when his daughter is here(feels totally different) I've told him exactly how im feeling and that i feel guilty for feeling this way, if we stay together i have the thought that i will feel this way until she leaves home and at the moment she is 12 so quite a long time i guess, its such a shame and so sad because we are so happy together and connect like neither of us have before, i feel so bad for him to be in this position that he really shouldn't be in, time to make some really difficult discussions, im choking up just thinking about it.
Have you tried talking this
Have you tried talking this through with a therapist? Not because there is something wrong with your feelings, but because you shouldn't have to live with them. A therapist may help you work out if there is a way to see things in a different light and cope with seeing them together or if you would be better off out of this relationship.
Yes
Hi yes I have looked into this, i am currently on a waiting list to see someone.
Geesh, this blog has been
Geesh, this blog has been going on for four months!? Hopefully some progress has been made by now.