Instant reaction or not?
I was wanting to know your thoughts on if my husband had a quick reaction or what?
DH was laying in bed on his back and was like come here so I jumped on top of him and put my hands over his head, and he said ow. I lifted my hands and upper body off of him and said I'm sorry what happened what did I do? While I was saying that he grabbed my pony tail and snatched my hair and said you fucking pulled my hair. I said it was an accident you didn't have to do that, and left into the living room. He came out apologizing saying it was an instant reaction that he didn't mean to, he has 11 brothers and that I should be more understanding.
Do you guys agree with this? Do any of you raised with siblings do stuff like that? How would you guys handle the situation? Thanks.
That was not an instinctive
That was not an instinctive reaction. He pulled your hair to get back at you for pulling his. It has nothing to do with having siblings. I have sisters and male cousins that I played and fought with all the time, and we did not instinctively do things to each other; if I hit back after someone hit me, it was on purpose.
Your DH ruined his apology with the excuses and the bullshit about you being more understanding. He should have apologized for pulling your hair and left it at that.
If it's only happened once, I'd tell him he needs to work on his impulse control and "instant reactions" and let him know that you are not one of his brothers and that should be obvious to him. I'd also let him know that he should NOT retaliate for an accident by pulling your hair and that you will NEVER be understanding of that. And, I'd let him know that I didn't appreciate him dropping the "F" bomb at me. Then I'd accept his lame apology and move on.
This way too little for any
This way too little for any of us to give you the answer.
Was his behavior appropriate? Not really. Does it mean he’s an abusive f*ck who you need to run far and fast from? I have NO clue.
My partner has accidently hurt me many times and I’ve hurt him too. Hell I’ve flat out punched him in the nose. If that’s all you hear you’d think I was abusive. Trust me that’s not the case and he was more than happy to just “let it go”.
Have we ever hit back harder then we meant to in response to being hurt. Yes we have but again an outsider can’t judge those moments from just me writing about it.
There are so many things you haven’t answered.
Is this the first time this has happened?
Has anything like this happened before?
How long have you been with him?
How well do you know him?
How well do you know his past?
Does he have any trauma in his past?
Does he have a particular reason why hair pulling causes a major reaction?
How old are you guys?
Do YOU feel unsafe or do you think it was an accident?
Do you think he’s gas lighting you?
Instant reaction is when
Instant reaction is when someone jumps out at you from behind a door trying to be funny and you punch them instinctively before you even register who it is. Some people scream and cover and some people punch out in the seconds that something unidentified comes flying at them. THAT is instinct. Action after registering what has happened and who did it is not instinct. It is retribution. Your DH may think it is acceptable retribution due to how he was raised but that does not make it so. I don't think this one incident necessarily means he is abusive but, if you explain to him that you are not one of his brothers and it is flat out not OK for him to treat you like a roughhousing sibling after you accidentally pull his hair, and he doesn't grasp that concept then I think you have a problem.
I read your other forum post
I read your other forum post before reading this one, and honestly, your DH sounds like a POS & you deserve better than him.
He’s hung up on his ex, lies to you, gaslights you, takes your car for 3 days & comes back smelling like perfume & with his junk shaved, and now he’s getting physical with you in a negative way.
This guy is bad news. I hope you find it within you to pack your bags & never look back. He sounds horrible & nobody needs to put up with that sh*t.
I posted this on your other
I posted this on your other blog but wanted to be sure you read it:
Here are the classic signs of an abuser. Please read this and take it to heart:
https://www.womansdivorce.com/signs-of-an-abuser.html
PS - there is no way that was an instant reaction. None. This is not going to get any better. Please take care.
Hell no! Time for him to go.
Hell no! Time for him to go. That was abusive.... on his part.
My bride and I wrestle and get playful upon occassion. Sometimes she gets far more rough than I ever would with her. If it hurts I tell her it hurts and she backs off. I do not get angry and retaliate.
Shit happens and when it does adults keep their head in the game and behave as adults. Not like the little boy who was bullied by his 11 brothers.
Take care of you. Let us know how your search for a new BF with character and maturity progresses.