It is not your parents' responsibility to provide anything, gifts or otherwise, to your wife's children. She is just going to have to accept that.

Keep standing your ground.

Your wife is expecting you to replace her ex- no problem there in a romantic relationship when you vow to love and cherish each other etc etc. In the marriage contact there is nothing said about any children from previous marriages, hence your good move in getting a pre-nup.

You need to give this honest, blunt feedback to your DW. Your children are not hers, her chidren are not yours. Wishing things would change does not make change. She will just have to accept that your parents are your parents and your chidren's grandparents. What about her parents? Do they not give their grandchildren anything? I agree this relatiionship seems one sided and unfair to her children, but she married the dead-beat before you turned up and rescued her. She does need to hear that said until she accepts it or leaves.

You are right - you should have married someone of your financial strata.  No, it is not your parent's responsibility to provide for her children.  And you should not have to foot the bill to give her children the same standard of living that they would have had if she had procreated with a man with your money rather than a deadbeat.  (Of course, if she had married a decent guy first, chances are she would not be married to you now.)

If you are comfortable having 2 separate social classes in your home, OK.  That is fair.  But you know it is going to breed resentment.  That is simple human nature.  "My sister has a Coach bag and drives a BMW.  I have a purse from Target and drive a used Tercel.....but I feel completely loved and not embarassed at all in front of people who know both of us" said no poor relation ever.  I don't know what the answer is other than asking your parents to be a bit less obvious or you personally equalizing things out.  Or you can always get rid of them and find someone more on your level.  That might be doing your wife the biggest favor because no one likes being looked down on and feeling like some sort of charity case.   

I don’t think it is your parents responsibility to pay either, but I also think that you (and then) need to exhibit some compassion and understanding as well. 

This is your WIFE and I don’t know if you are looking at it quite like that. When you married technically you are supposed to be one, and that would include baggage, finances, etc etc.

You need to look at it from this angle too... what if in your old age you lost everything, and what if one of your skids became wealthy.... how would you feel if they said they would ONLY help Mom, but not you?

i actually have more money than DH, both in terms of income (my first husband is very wealthy and I have a high paying career and my own family who is well off), my DH has a high paying career as well but he has to pay lots out as well. But we do our best to keep everything as equal as possible because we are one family unit. 

I could see your current wife having resentment because your first wife received a great deal of your money, plus her kids that she feels are part of her family WITH you are somewhat shunned. 

Do your skids have grandparents on their mother's side?  If so, do those grandparents give your bios gifts equivalent to what they give the skids?  Not that we have any control over what our parents give to others, but if they don't, it may be something to point out to your wife so she understands that there's a difference between grandchildren and step-grandchildren you've only known for a couple years.

I do think that, especially if your wife and her kids have the idea that they should be getting equivalent gifts and are keeping track, your parents should give your kids their gifts when the skids are not around.  

Are things also uneven with YOUR resources?  I'm not saying that you need to support her children, but if you are buying your kids new cars and she's telling hers to take the bus, I can see where that could lead to some unpleasantness in the home.

FWIW, I have wealthy parents.  They are very generous to me.  I don't have children yet, so there's no comparison of gifts, nor is there any expectation on the part of my SO that his kids will be given anything by my parents.  However, my parents are inclusive of my SO's kids.  When my family (meaning my parents and siblings/SOs) goes to Disney or a beach vacation or whatever, SO's kids are invited and my parents pay for them.  If SO's kids are with my parents during the Christmas season, there are nice gifts for them.  SO's kids have received their nicest birthday gifts from my parents.  I think it probably makes a difference that SO's kids are young (3 and 5) so my parents are watching them grow up.  A really nice gift for a 3 year old is a lot less expensive than a really nice gift for a teenager.  By the time SO's kids are teenagers, my parents will have known them for the majority of the kids' lives.  So it's really not an equivalent situation (especially since my SO has no expectations and is extremely grateful for anything that is done for his kids), and even if it was, it doesn't matter because we don't control what our parents do.

Sometimes there are two separate financial situations in one family.  That's reality.

If your wife's ex ILs were giving her children expensive presents would she expect them to also give similar gifts to your children?  I doubt it.

My brother is uber wealthy.  His two step children have been able to travel all over the world, go to expensive schools, and have access to nice things.   Their bio father is very low income.  The child that he has with his current wife does not have access to any of this.   Does that mean that my brother should support any spawn his wife's ex husband later produces?

Also wondering.... how would you feel about your ex wife possibly having more kids if she selected a man that had lower income? Then child support money would be going to those kids too, and the new guy.... how would your current wife feel about that? So many dynamics to split families. 

Is the 19 yr old your biochild also?  You were married 14 ys is why I ask.

IMO: This is not about kids and gifts at all. It is about an overall tone to your relationship.

You were not ready to marry on an emotional level. You were still bitter that your exwife " cashed out her half!". This woman is now living with you and married to you but not enjoying nearly the same behavior or support your exwife had. She is also treated like a second class citizen because of her modest financial status. She might not know how to ask you to treat her as your equal because she is your WIFE. 

She signed the prenup to show you her intentions are not towards your money. You married her knowing she had kids who would be living with you. Yet you are not treating those kids with any kind of affection and treating this woman as if she is out to get your money while parading your great children with set futures in front of her all the while telling her she cannot have that from you or your family. 

When you approach her about the gifts I would keep the above in mind.

i personally would NEVER sign a pre-nup. My word is enough. I dont agree with Pre-nups because its a peice of paper stating that money is more important than someones word. Just like these first marriages vowed to love, honour and cherish each other!! but none of us would be in this step hell predicament if these first marriages had kept their word and their signed declation of marriage.

I think you didnt give enough thought to the issue of 'class'. It would be very hurtful to her kids if your parents were obvious about giving way much more to the other kids. I know this exact same scenario has split up friends of mine in the past,, so Id deal with it very carefully if I were you, or if you want a happy  2ndmarriage.

Here's some blunt feedback you asked for:  After reading your post, it appears to be all about "my money", and money being the most important thing to you. The detail about your wife's financial background is odd. Why is it so important about what her financial history is/was? People are people, rich or poor.

That said, your wife should not expect your parents to do anything for her kids unless they want to. You, on the other hand, sound like you do not want to spend a dime on your step-children. Do you not like them? Are they not nice to you?  Did your prenup indicate your wife was the only person to provide for them? Is your wife and her children not considered part of your family now?

If you make substantially more than your wife, why is your joint checking account funded with her almost 50/50? Doesn't seem fair. Just an observation.

Greed is a nasty thing. Just saying. 

Doesn't really sound as if you're the one with all the money. More like you've been riding your parent's coattails for years.

*shrugs*

No, your parents owe your skids nothing. No expensive gifts nor any college funds. However, I will assume your parents have enough class not to flaunt their cash nor gifts in the skids face while tossing it at your bios feet. 

While you seem to be belittling your wife's income and financial abilities , I can't help but wonder why you can't purchase 50/50 with your wife a nice phone for the skids for Christmas or a birthday.... you don't have to finance one for your own kids as your Mommy and Daddy do all that.  It's ok to buy a joint gift with your wife to give a skid for their birthday. Let the skids earn some extra cash doing chores and they can pay part of the price if it can't be a gift. 

You don't have to be their father or be responsible financially for them to once or two a year give a similar gift to what your own kids have received. If it's making resentment and problems in your household with your wife, what's the big deal of going half in n a nice gift? 

Nope, of course you don't have to, but you kind of sound like the guy who would buy steaks and lobster for your and your bios dinner while you buy hot dogs for your skids and sit and eat in front of them. Your wife is going to have to decide if this is how she wants her kids to feel treated in now what is their home. 

One other thing I'm thinking about, since the OP made a point of saying "I'm just waiting on her request to start moving college savings around (never going to happen)."  You do realize that if you're not willing to provide anything for your stepkids for college that they're essentially going to be screwed, right?  The way the financial aid system works, YOUR income and assets are going to be considered in determining what financial aid they're eligible for.  And if you're as well off as I'm assuming from your post, they're not going to be eligible for anything.  Had their mother remained single, on her modest teacher's salary, they would have qualified for some financial aid.  You, of course, are not obligated to pay anything toward their college educations.  But the system that determines who qualifies for financial aid and who doesn't is making an assumption that you will.  It's not a great assumption, and I'm sure a lot of kids get screwed this way, but it's reality.  Maybe, since you are in so much better of a financial position, you should rethink the funding of the joint account so your wife has some extra money that she can use for extras (or education savings) for her kids, since you don't want to provide them.

OP,  take some time and do search on here.  You will find plenty of blogs about stepmothers and their families having more money than their hisbands/SOs and bio moms.  

Read those blogs and you will see how the vast majority of posters suggest the SMs handle their money in regards to their SKs.  You would be hard pressed to find blogs that make a SM feel like she should help pay for college for her SKs. 

Or, revamp how household expenses are covered so that dad has more of his income to go toward college expenses.

OP, search the blogs for a user named Gunner.  He discovered that he was married to a woman who was greedy and entitled.  

1) You indicate that your parents were fine paying for your first wife, including allowing her to live without working post-divorce. If a pre-nup works for you, that’s fine, but you’ve already given your current marriage secondary status to your first. It’s great that you learned from your mistakes, but the way you’ve operationalized that is by making your current wife secondary to your children when it comes to your joint assets. That could be part of your wife’s resentment toward you, she’s not really your full wife, if she’s not entitled to the same thing your ex wife is entitled to. I face similar challenges as a second wife - with my DH and his family feeling that SKids should have extra entitlement to DH’s assets. The difference for me is that DH has no assets, so it’s an empty threat, but I’ve had to remind DH that he can’t promise to give SSs something he doesn’t have and then expect me to make up the difference. Also, MIL still gives money to BM (even though she grew up wealthy) because BM “needs it”, while MIL expects me to now cover her expenses because she now is having financial troubles and I’m married to her son. From a wife’s perspective, it’s frustrating that I will never be seen as the “real” wife because my DH had children before he met me. It’s your parents prerogative to give whatever they like to their grandchildren, but if they still cater to your ex wife, I think your current wife has a right to be resentful.

2) With regard to providing presents to SKids, I’m more sympathetic. My DH grew up far wealthier than I (at least on the surface), but I was taught how to manage money, so now I have money. I’m not wealthy, but I’m comfortable, because I work at it. BM also grew up with money, but she and DH were both terrible with it, so they divorced with a ton of debt. Both BM and MIL saw green when DH married me, assuming I would pay for all kinds of things for SSs. I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to pay for those things for children who aren’t mine. I’m certainly not going to let them live in poverty, but if I could want to go on vacation with my DH, a vacation I’ve paid for, I don’t want to hear from BM, her family, or MIL or SIL about how terrible we are for not taking SS with us or on a similar vacation. DH also wants us to have a child together and I told him that if we did, it would not be all equal with his kids. Our child would only have us providing for him / her, while SKids have BM and her supposedly wealthy parents. My parents give gifts to SKids, but I would expect them to give more to their own grandchild. 

I fully agree with this!! That is exactly it.... when you decided to bring paperwork and lawyers in it set everything up for failure. You set a tone and a precedent.  Your wife will now feel like crap that she is viewed as being lower than your precious first wife who you had children with.

You already assumed the worst from her,so that is most likely what you will now get. The tone is set that it is all about money, and what is yours and she is trying to lead with her heart and will feel punished for it. 

Maybe it was a good idea that you did a prenup after all because my crystal ball says she will want out in the next year or 2 based on how she is treated. 

Even in intact initial families there are differences between how each child is treated and the gifts they receive.  Different kids have different interests and different needs.

My parents were the prototypical equal gifting focused parents until my brother finally reached his teens then baby bro and I sat them down and told them not to worry about balancing the gift spreadsheet and just give us what they wanted to provide for each of us.   As I am 6yrs the elder my younger brother would get gifts that were not necessarily what a pre-teen and young teen would want.
 

Even now my brother does not have much appreciation for many of the family heirlooms and very nice gifts that mom and dad tend to give each of us.  I am 54 and he is 48.   My wife and I love the stuff, my brother and my SIL... not so much.  So much so that it really bothers my parents that the incredible stuff they gift my brother goes into storage to molder and age and the similar stuff they gift to us is cherished and presented prominently in our home.

You bride needs some clarity.  The age that your bride brought her prior relationship children to your marriage does not make much of a foundation for your parents to have a strong GP relationship with her kids.

My wife and I met when my SS-26 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He is my parent's eldest  GK.  My SIL was pregnant with my niece when I introduced my parents to my amazing bride and future SS.  My son and my niece are 18mos apart.  My niece was born 6mos before my wife and I married so while SS is my parents eldest GK... he is not technically their first.  Not that that matters to them or anyone else.  My parents are extremely close to my son and heaven help anyone who tried to tell my parents that my son is not their GK.  It would not go well for that person.

Each blended family dynamic is different and that is amplified when those relationships are stepped out to the GP/Skid level.

Your bride needs some clarity on this I think.

My wife and I also come from decidedly different backgrounds.  My family are multigenerational professionals,  Expats and relatively affluent while her family are multigenerational low income farm laborers.  We met in college and have built our life and success together.  She brought the Skid to the marriage I brought a newly printed BSEE to the marriage.  We married 6mos after I graduated and since then have completed a dual major BS (her), two MBAs (one each) and two professional certs (one each) together.  I think that blending families is challenging regardless of the phase of life of all involved but it is harder when the kids are older.   Because we had the financial security of my degree from day one of our marriage we did not have the tensions of financial strain and since we had nothing but that degree when we married we were able to start at the beginning building a life and success together.  24 years and 15 days later... things are looking pretty good so far.

Your situation though not by any means strained from a financial position has a plethora of tensions that we did not have to address.

Good luck.

Despite getting a pre-nup, it’s clear you both didn’t sit down and really talk about financial expectations. I think you both need to do so now. From what I understand, you do have a joint account, where you put in more than her. Is that the difference between your salaries? I ask, since the percentage difference should allow your wife to save more money, although there may still be an issue. For example if you have a million dollar mortgage, yet want your wife to pay for 40% of it, etc.

The items you should discuss are:

1 Gifts from Grandparents. Your parents don’t owe your wife or her kids anything. But maybe they should be discrete in what they are giving your kids? (Give gifts privately, not at family gatherings, etc.)

2 College. Again, you and your parents don’t owe your stepchildren anything, BUT your income may prevent the stepkids from getting financial aid. Perhaps you two should visit a financial advisor in regards to skids’ financial needs?

3 Retirement do you plan on sharing your retirement income with your wife, while she is still living? (The pre-nup presumably covered the disbursement of your money to your children upon your death.)

By living together, this should allow her to save more of her income, but she should also understand that you (or your parents?) Will not be giving her kids money for college or any inheritance. 

If you are still at an impasse, and you want to save your marriage, I’d suggest marriage therapy with a counselor experienced in blended families.

I don’t think there is anything wrong, keeping the house in your name, as long as you pay the upkeep. I have a friend who has the same type of setup with their house, and their partner. One item you might consider though, is if you pass prior to your wife, will she be able to live in the house until her death? This is an important consideration. 

In my friend’s case, the will states that the house will go to the children AFTER both my friend and her partner have passed. If you plan on giving your kids the house after you have passed, yet your wife still lives, that means she would have to buy a new home immediately. Personally, I would not do this, but if you are determined to do so, you need to let her know. 

She would then have to put aside money for a house, and it would only be fair to warn her of your plans. You should spell out your wishes in your will.

To me your comments just reinforce what I said previously that you should not have gotten married. You have many issues going on aside the prenup itself.  Correct me if I misunderstood something here.... you said that your first marriage was biblical because it was sanctioned by the church, second you view not on par because it was by state. You. Have given the notion many many times over that you don’t view this marriage as sacred or as special and important. Im sure that hurts your wife deeply.

it is new, you are protected financially... I think that you will mess up her life and potential if you stay.  She should be finding a man with similar background where she can build a future with him and has the same values.

i think you are too damaged by your divorce and need to either maybe see if your ex will give it another go (because I think that is where your heart is) or only have girlfriends- and make sure that they come from wealthy families or are high income earners.

i think that your current wife does not have great skills at selecting a mate (hence first marriage issues for her as well) and maybe self esteem issues and she should be in individual counselling. And then hopefully she can make some resolution to fix these problems and find better for herself. 

And I’m sorry but your first marriage was crap of it ended in divorce how it did.... maybe you were giving and a great husband but I can tell you what she did is not what a great wife would do...and you need both parties equally committed to make great marriage.   Also, just because you have children does not make a marriage great.... some people use it as a meal ticket.   Her ex was an alcoholic and your ex was a leach..... that is the truth. My Ex and his family have more money than most.... and we have children and when I left I left him with the house and went and made use of my degree and climbed the corporate ladder.  Yes he pays child support because he is obligated to, but aside drom that that was all I “took”— he supports his DD he does not support me.

You can try counselling but I think getting married in the first place when you have this mindset and so many standing issues it was a giant mistake.

I realize that stepkids aren't your parents problem... I would never suggest that your parents build thier college fund. However, christmas gifts -- yes those should be equal. You don't get to choose who your parents are, you don't get to choose who your parents marry. However, being treated as "less" in a family really sucks and I personally find it shitty that you and your parents think it is ok. Give equally for birthdays, christmas, graduations, etc. 

DH and I have a prenup. We keep seperate accounts. However, all of our kids are treated equally by us and by all the aunts and uncles and grandparents. We are a family now. Birth, marriage or adoption doesn't matter. We are family. The end. 

Do the wealthy parents of your SKs alcoholic loser father give the skids Christmas and birthday presents?  It sounds like they have wealthy grandparents also, which makes it more surprising to me that your wife is expecting your parents, who have no biological tie to your skids, to give them gifts equivalent to the ones they give to their grandchildren.  Your skids are the only grandchildren of wealthy people and they're not getting something reasonably equivalent from that side of the family?  If so, that's sad.  Not that anyone owes someone else a gift, but you can't take it with you . . . . 

Having read through this I really feel that you are not over the fact that your first marriage failed.

It seems that you wish that it had worked out and that you were still married and living the life the you had planned on living. I'm not saying that you still love your exwife, but I do think you miss the life you thought you were going to live with her.

You had an idea, a mental image of who you were supposed to be, married, financially well off, nice home, children grown and doing well, maybe a grandchild or two, vacations, retirement, etc. Your divorce changed that image and you had to create a new one. Except that you resent the change, you still want all the same things.

So now you're remarried but the dynamics are different, unfamiliar and I don't think that you like it.

Your post is about so much more than whether your parents should treat your skids the same as they treat your children. It's about you and what you want your new life to look like.

I am a teacher that makes 40k a year. My husband has a main job and does political work in even years. In 2016 he made around 250k combined. He has never once expected me to live off of what I make alone. I pay my student loans and car payment and credit cards, the rest is my money to save or spend. 

He treats ALL of our children (my two, his two) the exact same. He has included my children in his will. We are a solid family. Everyone gets the same treatment regardless of biology. As for grandparents, you can’t make them give the other kids presents. But they shouldn’t want those children to feel left out or less than, either. 

And here I thought my husband’s ex wife casted one hell of a shadow.... your wife must be a saint.