I'm a stepmonster, nice to meet you all ;-)
Hi all,
Newbie here. I’m fine with newbie pranks, just no wedgies please lol. I’m pasting here something I wrote on another site a while back. Wondering if I’m unique in dealing with this, or if I have other sisters and brothers who are in the same boat. Wasn’t sure which forum to post in so I apologize if this is the wrong place.
Background -49, no bio kids, 11.5 years with SO but refer to him as husband and his spawn as step just because it’s been so long and I met step when she was 4 and helped raise her.
This is long so bear with me....
I've been on this rollercoaster for 11 years. I'm used to seeing answers from mothers and fathers saying, "You're an evil jealous stepmonster! Get over it. You're an interloper. You need to know your place!". Well let me ask you, what do you think the picture would be if the biological mother and father never divorced? Do you really think the wife would stay in the marriage if "daaaadddyyyy" never slept with her because he was sleeping with his 15 year old daughter, never even consulted the wife about day to day activities, instead asking the daughter, "What do you want to do? What do you want mom to make us for dinner? Am I allowed to go on vacation with mom or would you prefer we leave her home and you and I go? What would my Mrs SnuggleBunny like to watch on tv? What time would you like to go to bed tonight? Would me and mom be allowed to have another baby or do you prefer it's just you?" Get it? So I'm immune to the uneducated replies, the replies that I can understand when the author has never walked in our shoes, and is giving an honest, reasonable answer if what we were going through was truly just a case of jealousy. But what some stepmothers go through is the emotional abuse of an adult man who spousifies his daughter in order to find validation, adoration, and an emotional equal, without having to put in any work that one would have to with a partner.
You see, a parent/child love is that of unconditional devotion, therefore no matter what that child does, mom and dad will love him/her. In return, daddy's only requirement is to make everyday a party, filled with shopping trips and vacations, junk food and no rules, and his daughter will have his feet cemented to that pedestal, placing the golden crown on his head. With a partner, who's love is conditional, the partners need to make daily efforts to keep the love alive, or else the risk to reward ratio will go off balance and one partner will leave to have their needs and wants met elsewhere. So how wonderful is it for men with narcissistic propensities to receive their emotional fill without expending any effort on a partner who truly is their equal, instead of a child who thinks getting ice cream is the "end all be all"? There's always the risk if you take your partner out for ice cream and then say, "I bought you ice cream, now tell me how amazing I am", that she'll say, "Thank you, but amazing would be helping me with chores and listening to my fears and giving of yourself when I need you, not asking me if I want a cone or a cup". But buy that ice cream for his daughter and he gets, "Oh my God dddaaadddyyy!!! This is the best day ever! I love you more than anything! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!"
This type of emotional reward is akin to stealing when it succeeds in filling the place in his heart that should be reserved for his adult partner's accolades for him. So the blame does fully fall on the man for twisting his daughters unconditional love into conditional love, and then going to his partner and telling her, "See? MY DAUGHTER loves me more than you! She's so happy and shows gratitude to me for the things I do for her. You on the other hand NEVER show gratitude to me!" Unfortunately this scenario leads to the daughter becoming selfish and entitled. But remember, it started with the father.
Children are innocent and only do repeatedly what they can get away with. So now (in my case), the stepdaughter is 15 and has been taught that the world revolves around her since she was 4. What do you think happens here when I try to enforce rules that are no different than the rules I would place on my children (if his daughter had GIVEN HIM PERMISSION TO HAVE A CHILD WITH ME)? Well, I'll tell you. IF she is not the center of attention she looks to blame the stepmother. "Daddy, if SHE wasn't here we wouldn't have to put the dishes away after dinner... if SHE wasn't here we would be eating ice cream for breakfast... if SHE wasn't coming in my bedroom at 3am to tell you to come to bed we could be cuddling". And so I'm looked at as the bad guy, the stealer of fun, the person to blame. And blame I get, to the point where I've removed myself from the equation to avoid being "scolded" in front of his daughter for being a buzzkill.
So now weekends are filled with ice cream for breakfast, shopping trips in the afternoon, and 3-6 girls sleeping over every night, awake till 3am. As a side note, no one has to tell me I should have just left then. I know that. I've got one foot out the door and am just getting my ducks in order. I tried for 11 years to instill some normalcy into an abnormal situation. And YES, it is abnormal what has gone on under this roof. No biological mother would have stayed if they were placed in the child role by the father, who gave the adult role on a silver platter to the daughter. Please women, think twice before investing your heart in this type of relationship. Learn from my mistakes. It does not get better as the child gets older. You will be pushed farther and farther down the ladder until you're under it.
I have to ask...
Does Daddy sleep with his 15 year old daughter when her friends sleep over? Or does he only do it when it is just the two of them? I'm amazed that someone has not called CPS over this - there is no way it is appropriate for a man to be sleeping with his 15 year old daughter in the same bed.
Doesn't sound like you need any advice, you know how messed up your situation is. I'd make a plan to get out and do it as soon as you can.
Hi there and welcome to
Hi there and welcome to Steptalk! Your post resonated with me for so many reasons. When I met The Ostrich his daughter was well in her 30s with a young daughter followed by twins of her own. She was married, husband in a good job and they owned their own home. She wasn't working but not so unusual for a woman with a small family. Ostrich told me she had been a difficult child, her mum walked out on them when she was only two years old. Cue the pity party any right thinking person would feel for this woman who had triumphed against the odds etc etc.
When I met her I was full of admiration for her right on take no shit attitude- until...
Until I realised that Ostrich jumped as high as he could for her and did not see what she was doing to me quietly and very subtley- ungrateful for gifts, buying inappropriate gifts for me, snide remarks that I didn't realise were aimed at me, incredibly childish and entitled behaviour when daddeee was there, competely controlling everyone in the family except me,except me because she realised that wasn't going to happen. I began to sense that the less she controlled me the more daddee was reigned in. I stuck it out, I was at his side always until we took his grandkids away for a weekend and I let my guard down. She came in for the kill, I admitted defeat-it took me one whole difficult year to finally throw in the towel and walk off. She has him back- he has nothing and no one else in his life...
I'm coming to terms with having spent nine years of my life with a man who thought I wanted ice-cream too. Now she is wallowing in all the flavours with all the marshmallows, rainbow sprinkles and chocolate flakes she can eat.
Someone showed me her Facebook page from Easter Sunday, as I can no longer see her posts. She was so happy to have had chocolate for breakfast, her husband cook her a wonderful lunch and best of all, her daddeeee was there!
No more nut jobs for me- I'm free of all that shit. Thank you so much for this post- over the next few weeks I shall need to keep reading it!
You sound so informed and
You sound so informed and clued up about the dynamics in your family, that I am left puzzled as to why you have allowed this to happen to you, or haven't yet done anything about it yet?
Not all of us have been "pushed further down the ladder". A lot of us have recognised the dysfunctional patterns, done something about it, and are now leading healthier and happier lives.
He is married to this daughter and not to you.
This is yet another case of where a DH treats his daughter like his wife and his wife like a child, and I would even go so far as to say this is an extreme case. Look up the term mini-wife. It is very difficult to break the mini-wife relationship between dad and daughter (or even son sometimes) because they think there is nothing wrong with it and they are both getting something out of it in some type of Freudian way.
Jealousy has nothing to do with it. And, you are correct. In no other circumstances would this even remotely be considered normal. But, throw the term SM in there, and suddenly everyone looks the other way, or even endorses it.
I'm so glad you have one foot out the door. Keep it that way. And if you need help getting the other foot out, see a counselor well-experienced to get you on your way. You deserve far better, and you are better off alone with your freedom than you are being stuck with a couple of people who will never realize your high value and will never look at you beyond how you can fulfill their own needs. Society does a great job of gaslighting SMs, having no problem implying that family issues that were in place prior to or during the divorce are somehow SM's fault even though she may have never entered the picture until later. Society likes SMs much better in the role of servant vs. wife.
Take care and best of luck. No wife deserves to be treated like a child. No way, no how. Love of a child and love of a wife are two completely different kinds of love. There should be no competition going on. Yet, unfortunately in step-situations, SKs and SMs are set up to be in some type of bizarre competition over dad's/ DH's love all the time. Usually this is set up by the bios, either on purpose or accidentally on purpose, and your DH, as soon as he did this, "never even consulted the wife about day to day activities, instead asking the daughter," set it all up for years to come.
Disengage
It sounds like your SO is a disney dad and you've been watching this happen for years. My suggestion is to read Divorce Poison by Wednesday Martin and disengage.
Welcome
If there was a line to have been crossed, he's crossed it a 100 times over. You have every reason to leave this relationship. Disney Dad and Mini Wife Syndrome, there is no room for anything or anyone else, but a servant to the both that display narcisstic behaviour. Best of luck and strength in taking your other foot and exiting this night mare of a situation.
miniwife syndrome rollercoaster
I too am in love with a man who has entitled his child with all the given rights of a spouse. It's been a tough road, and lonely at times. I have found a support group thru FB that has women from all over the world dealing with minwife syndrome. It's weird because it is such a unique situation. No one that I know of seems to understand the level of craziness that comes with this situation. So many times, I have reflected on the weekend's activities and was like, did this crap really happen?
I don't know how you have
I don't know how you have endured this situation for so long! I agree with the others though, cuddling and sleeping with his 15you, gross, and COMPLETELY INAPROPRIATE! I would have probably left when he let his daughter dictacte that you couldn't have a child together! Screw that! Actually it gave me a small flash back to when I was so naive early on and didn't see SD's meltdown (at age 7) when she found out that I was pregnant and threw a fit/cried/pity party b/c she was afraid she would be replaced and SO asked that I come console her. I should have seen that red flag back then but unfortunately didn't! My son (same age as SD) didn't have a meltdown or freak out when we told him. He was excited to have a sibling! I know it is easy to have on rose colored glasses and not see it all clearly at first. I think back now on lots of red flags I ignored! I really hope that you do leave this situation and stay strong. You deserve so much more!
At the age of 49, you should
At the age of 49, you should be thinking/planning about how you want to spend your upcoming retirement years. Not be wasting precious thoughts and energy (and maybe even finances) supporting a terminally dysfunctional man and his permanently damaged daugher.
Start reviewing the chapters of your life. You have many more of them left to write in any way you choose. Don't waste any more ink on these two.
I am very familiar with your situation
OneTiredChick,
I am very familiar with your situation, although yours seems even more extreme (if that's even possible). I am married to a woman who is like a wife to her son. I won't go into the details, because they are essentially the same as yours, except that the sleeping together in her case stopped when her son was 11. (She used to lay in bed until he was asleep, then she would get up and leave.) This changed to only staying in bed with him, under the covers and "talking" every night. Now that her son is 16, this has stopped as well.
It's easy to get into these situations, despite there being red flags (which you clearly see in retrospect) because as a normal person, you just could not imagine people doing things like this, and therefore, you didn't know what you were getting into.
In my case, I'm waiting till the kid leaves to go to college, it will be the first break from the daily insanity. If my wife lets him move back in after college, I need to seriously consider my options.
Disengaging has helped. I try not to intervene in their daily bickering (like married couple arguments) and I shut the door during his long bitching sessions with her. The point of disengaging is so your significant other can experience the full force of their "wonderful" child's nastiness. Whenever I point it out to her, she is quick to defend with, "Don't be mean."