I'm going out of my mind
This is the first time that I ever posted so here it goes...
A little history first...
I meet DH 2 yrs ago right before SD turned 6. I was still in college so we saw each other every weekend and things were going great until the EX found out we got engaged (a month after we meet). She would call and hang up, asked for her wedding rings back, stupid questions she already knew about SD, showing up unannounced at functions, etc. We eloped after 3 months and moved 45 min's away from the EX for both me and DH to be closer to work. That's when EX took us to court for full custody. The next 8 months sucked; DH spent soooo much time and money on the case that it put a huge damper on our marriage, I had a miscarriage, and I was made aware of just about everything that happened in their marriage.
So here we are now and EX hasn't exercised visitation in over 9 months and we have a 2 month old. The EX, who my DH and his family say is a chronic lier, apparently has cancer of some sort. I just can't wrap my brain around it, she works full time and hasn't been hospitalized. But this is her "excuse" of not being about to drive to our house, 45 min's away, to pick up SD8. Also, that she is too tired to take care of her. I love my SD and all but I could really use a weekend without her.
With this situation in combination with having a new member to the family, my SD has been having some mild behavioral problems that just drive me crazy. I'm not sure if these are just age related but I'm going out of my mind dealing with her. She constantly back talks, no matter what we say, she always has a come back. This usually bothers her dad more than it does me. She talks like a baby all the time and no matter how many times we correct her, she keeps doing it. She has to be told to do EVERYTHING. Go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, get dressed, make your bed, you name it. After she is done doing each thing, she will announce that she is done and then wait for instruction. Getting her ready for school in the morning is frustrating. Her brother can be screaming at the top of his lungs and she will come to me for the most ridiculous request or try talking to me and I usually can't hear anything she says over the crying. For the most part, we usually get along but I do not tolerate her being disrespectful to either me or her dad. I've gotten to the point where I just feel like I yell at her all the time bc she just acts so stupid and clueless. "I forgot" is her favorite saying.
Finally, since she lives with us full time, I do everything for her. Get her up in the morning, breakfast, take her to school, make dinner, doctor's appt's, dentist appt's, take her out to eat, play games when I'm not busy with the baby, read, blah, blah, blah. EVERYTHING. BM hasn't seen her in over 9 months as I mentioned and sent her a ugly ass stuffed lamb to the house for Easter and SD walks around with it like a security blanket and treated everything I got her for Easter like chopped liver. I know I will never replace her mother, nor do I want too, but the feeling I got when she went crazy over that stupid stuffed animal and not all the stuff me and DH got her really sucked. I just feel like most of everything I do for her is for nothing and that no matter what she will always look up to her mother more even though she doesn't do jack shit for her.
Ugh, I'm done venting. So, is this just a normal behavior for her age? Will she appreciate what I do for her when she gets older? I don't want her to not like or love her mother but a little credit on my part would be awesome bc I bust my hump for her, more so than BM.
So feel for you. My advice:
So feel for you. My advice: (1) see if DH can take over more care of SD, (2) get SD psychiatrically assessed. She is either acting out or she may have some disability.
I agree with all of this.
I agree with all of this. Also, can the ILs help out at all?
One thing I have learnt is if
One thing I have learnt is if you are involved with someone who has children you have to be 100% prepared to parent the child/ren full time. Court ordered, death of other the other parent... all kinds of things. So you have this child in your life, like it or not.
If you didn't like it maybe you shouldn't have gone to court to get full custody. Just saying.
In 2 years this child has lost her mother, gained you and another sibling. Her world has been upended and she is regressing more than usual. What is her father doing about his daughter? He should be doing the lion's share of the taking care of her and showing her how much he loves her. Because if you are doing most of the work she has also lost her father.
As for the lamb, this is the only thing that she can hold that rmeinds her of her mother. If she was older she would probably wear some tacky piece of jewellery or a beautiful locket wiith pictures of her and her mother in it. She is not doing it deliberately but her mother is the one person she has all for herself and she probably misses her like crazy. The BM is a little like childbirth. If we remembered all the gross stuff and the pain we would probably all have one child households. But we forget all of that stuff and remember the movement inside ourselves and the tiny bundle laying in our arms for the first time. And so your SD doesn't remember her crappy mother but the choice Hallmark moments becuase who wants to think their mother is a loser and STILL feel good about themselves?
Try and get her more organised. Give her a star chart. The things she must do in the morning before 7 0'clock are A B and C. If she whines and grizzles she is tired and needs to go to bed early. No rguements. If your DH has a problem then he needs to step up and stop leaving his new wife with his daughter as a replacement parent. Because this is just what it looks like on the outside.